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TOPIC: I'm not attracted to my boyfriend but I can't leave him :-(

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April 29, 2012 11:08 AM
I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?
April 29, 2012 11:11 AM
Wow that's unfortunate. I would say if you can try talking to him because you don't want to keep stringing him along. In the end, he will be very hurt and he deserves to find someone who will love him unconditionally. Take care.
April 29, 2012 11:13 AM
QUOTE:

I've been contemplating about this for a while, and I feel I need a more individual response to my problem.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

Should I just put up with him, and hope that this phase passes away?


I think if you have never been physically attracted to him, chances are that is not going to change. And all it will do is cause you to resent him in the end. I think it would be better for you both to sit and talk about this, and you be completely honest with him, than wait until he proposes.
April 29, 2012 11:15 AM
Attraction is unlikely to increase with time, after it has already decreased. I guess it's time to tell him the truth.
April 29, 2012 11:28 AM
I think it's normal to think about other people/men but not to the extent that you feel like you aren't attracted to your own bf. Especially to the degree you are feeling it.

I believe it's part of a communication problem in that the two of you don't see eye to eye on a few things. It sounds like he's a nice person but to tell you that he will never be the same tells me he has his own insecurities and paranoia. That puts a lot of pressure on you.

Just tell him the truth-- talk it over-- see what happens from there. If nothing changes after that, maybe it would be best if you left. You only have one life to live-- don't live it regretting or wondering about what could have been or what may be if only... Life will go on regardless of your decision but it sounds like you have made your mind up and you are afraid of hurting him. Breaking up is hard for both people but it be worse to live in a lie.
  21874117
April 29, 2012 11:31 AM
Have you started to dislike his personality as well? Do you love him in the same way he loves you aside from physically? Have you mentally already moved on and are waiting only because you don't want to break up?

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you or suggest because I probably could have written most of your post myself. I've never found my boyfriend to be "hot" or that physically attractive. And he knows it. I'm not rude or mean but he doesn't think he's attractive either. Which breaks my heart because he's the most amazing boyfriend I've ever had. We argue and such but I can tell it's different with him. So, I thought about it and decided what was more important to me. To have someone that turned me on or someone that would always love me. At 21, looks seem to be important to me but I'm going to get old and so is he. I was very attracted to my ex- but he led me on for 2 years and cheated on me several times. So, I'm sticking with the man I love and hoping he pops the question soon.

However, you may not have the same feelings. Sometimes appearance is really important and difficult to get passed. Like I said, are there other issues you have with him or dislike? Like maybe you don't want someone that be at your every beck and call. It sounds like he may need to develop his life outside of your relationship as well. It would be healthy for both of you. But if you're coming to despise him, you may want to (gently) open up and discuss what's been on your mind. It may hurt him but it will hurt a lot less if you tell him before he buys a ring and is stuck with it.
April 29, 2012 11:33 AM
The fair thing to do is to let him move on and find someone who does find him attractive as well as love his personality. Life is to short to settle for only half of the equation. That goes for the both of you!
April 29, 2012 11:40 AM
I think that the dynamics of the relationship are affecting you more than you realize. You actually don't mention anything physical, but say you're not attracted to him and list a lot of things that make me raise an eyebrow, so I'll try to address them one at a time:

QUOTE:

He loves me more than anything in the world, does literally everything for me, always there for me, if I have a problem he will drop everything he's doing and come see me, always helping me out and giving me money if I need it, and is always patient enough to put up with my paranoia and insecurities - he is honestly the epitome of a perfect boyfriend, and makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world.

This makes me wonder about your self-esteem and how it's working in your relationship. He's "patient enough" to "put up" with your shortcomings and "helping you out." The way you describe that makes it sound like these are extras that most boyfriends wouldn't do, like he's going out of his way and you couldn't expect anyone else to do that. But in reality, those are things that any loving partner does. Even someone who does those things might be far from perfect; it's really the bare minimum.

QUOTE:

I feel so bad about this, but I just can't leave him. He has never loved another girl before, and has even planned out our future together. Certain times he reminds me that if we ever broke up, he would just become a heartless cold person and could never trust another female again, because he honestly feels we should be together for the rest of our lives.

This seems like a BIG problem. Like, incredibly serious. If you feel like you're trapped, that is going to suck the fun and the passion out of the relationship. Read back the things you're saying. If you leave, it's your fault that he becomes a terrible human being. You have no right to leave because HE has decided that you need to be together. You're representative of every woman on the planet.

None of that is fair or true. You do not control any other person, no matter how much they say it. If he would become a heartless person, that's on him. If he is so narrow-minded that he bases his perception of over half the global population on one person's behavior, he's got some problems. None of it has anything to do with you.

QUOTE:

I was never initially physically attracted to him, but I've grown to love his personality and the way he is. But recently whenever we are together, I just find him annoying, I don't want him holding me, and I feel like it's an obligation to kiss him, not a desire. And I just keep thinking about other males that I'm attracted to - which is not something a girlfriend should be doing.

Is this an issue only with him, or are you like this generally in any relationship? I have an EXTREMELY difficult time with physical affection, even when the feelings are there. I am not someone who expresses myself physically and never have been; I don't get the same feeling from holding or hugging or kissing that other people seem to. It used to be a stumbling block in my relationship, but we compromise: I make an effort to show my boyfriend the affection he needs, and he accepts that I express myself differently and doesn't take it personally. It's a matter of mutual respect and understanding.

QUOTE:

I just don't have the heart to break up with him. It would absolutely destroy him, he thinks the world of me. I love him, but I just don't feel the way one should, towards their partner. And if I'm constantly thinking about other guys. I know if we broke up, I would regret it, and become jealous if he found another girl - but I just feel like I should be with someone who I'm passionate about.

What is it that you think of when you're thinking of these other guys? Is it a sexual fling you're imagining, or another long-term relationship? Is it merely a fantasy or is it something you'd really like to pursue?

What I'm getting at is that there is a big difference between being bored and looking around at what's new and exciting, and actually being dissatisfied with your partner. I think most people in long-term committed relationships have periods where they find themselves fantasizing or imagining other sexual partners, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can't possibly control your every thought; all you're obligated to do in a relationship is to control your behavior.

As a final thought, I think that sexual attraction is closely related to a lot of non-physical factors (at least I find that true in my own case). I never feel attracted to random people I don't know, but it has happened with people that I really get along with. And like in your case, I wasn't particularly attracted to my boyfriend at first, but once we got to know each other and really clicked in a lot of ways, he became incredibly sexy to me. We're coming up on nine years together, and despite gaining weight and going through different aesthetic changes (some good, some mistakes), we've never had a problem feeling attracted to each other because it's not just about maintaining a certain appearance.
  16412779
April 29, 2012 11:54 AM
The sad reality of your situation is that I guarantee you that you'll be attracted to him if you ever break up and he finds someone else.

It sounds like you settled because you may have felt like you wouldn't ever have a chance to fall in love or even worse, that someone would want to fall in love w/you. I don't think it's fair to your friend and you need to just break up now vs. later. He'll be fine and fortunately, he'll be able to experience real love...not one-sided.

I hope you figure this out sooner rather than later. good luck!
  14249458
April 29, 2012 12:01 PM
Oh that is too bad, but we only live one life and it wouldn't be good to stay with someone you don't want to be with...try to break it to him gently. He deserves someone that loves him as much as he loves them. And you also need and deserve that too,,,good luck.
April 29, 2012 12:06 PM
Reading your story, I noticed that that is exactly how it went down with my bf of 2 years a little while back. He would do anything in the world for me and engagement plans had been brought up and he was already planning on us having a future together. After a while I just lost the physical attraction to him. I no longer liked having to kiss him, or other intimate relations. It seemed everything he did, no matter how sweet or the good intentions, just annoyed me. I eventually realized that I can't live like that. Both he and I deserve to have someone we love and can be happy with. I knew if I just stayed in to keep him happy (because I did still love him) then I would just always be miserable and irritable. That in turn would have an affect on him. It was one of the hardest things I had to do but I ended things. The following weeks were the toughest part. He drank even more (He had already developed a problem), got kicked out of his place, got into some trouble...and started blaming it on me. We were both just fighting each other so much then about getting back together and problems that arose after the breakup.

It'll be really tough, but it's not fair for you to have to stay in a relationship with someone your not fully attracted to and happy with. He will eventually find another girl just like you will find someone else and maybe you will both realize it was for the best. I moved and am now with another person who makes me extremely happy. I don't know where it will go but everything worked out for the best in the end. If I had stayed with him, then I would not be making the best of my current school and living situations.

I hope it works out for you. As mean as it may sound, don't worry about how he will feel about splitting. You need to do what is best for YOU. And he WILL eventually move on and be happy again.
Edited by aproc On April 29, 2012 12:08 PM
April 29, 2012 12:07 PM
You sound like my ex-girlfriend. I was in your boyfriend's shoes and you are in hers. She broke up with me, it hurt a lot and it really sucked for awhile. But you know what? I'm a lot better now because of it. I've matured after the whole experience and it has made me realize a lot of things in my life.

So my advice, if you truly don't feel the same way that he does about you, then it's time to end it. In the end, it will all turn out for the best. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
April 29, 2012 12:09 PM
I think this has already been said, but think about it this way: he deserves someone that can give him the unconditional love he is giving to you. If you can't do that, you owe it to him, out of respect, to let him go find that. It will hurt, but he needs to know that he should be looking elsewhere. I know that if someone didn't love me I wouldn't want them to stay in the relationship because they didn't want to hurt me, I would want to try again and see if I could find someone that felt about me how I felt about them!
  9684357
April 29, 2012 12:10 PM
I would suggest that u leave. Better sooner than later. If u lead him on more, it will hurt him more.
April 29, 2012 12:10 PM
Stringing him along is worse. If he is such a great guy, he deserves to find someone who feels attracted and in love with him. In the end you're being selfish because you would feel bad for hurting him, well, you're hurting him either way.
  236504
April 29, 2012 12:11 PM
t's not fair to him to stay.

That said.. the fact that he says things like "if you break up with me I'll turn into a terrible person" screams to me that he wants to control you. That he wants you to need him,which is why he's always there right when you need him.

But.. I have a bad history with men, so I could be reading too much into it.
April 29, 2012 12:12 PM
QUOTE:

The fair thing to do is to let him move on and find someone who does find him attractive as well as love his personality. Life is to short to settle for only half of the equation. That goes for the both of you!
I totally agree....In my opinion, from your post, it is over.
  6010642
April 29, 2012 12:12 PM
Many guys say things like that. I am 36 and have had quite a few guys say that to me, and as far as I know they're all still living and fairly happy without me. ;) It just feels bad at the time, but people do move on.

You should try to make yourself happy. But keep in mind, when you get married you're not always going to be "hot" for your hubby. You have to work at it. You need to nurture a healthy relationship. But if you have not made a marriage commitment to him and you're just not feeling it anymore its okay to leave. In fact, many times its better for both people so they can find someone who fits them as people better. GOod luck!
April 29, 2012 12:13 PM
You are not the end all be all of womanhood wink He will be just fine without you.

He sounds like a really great guy. He deserves to be with someone who can appreciate him for who and what he is. If you're not that person (nothing wrong with that) you should let him go on his way so he can find her.
  17422854
April 29, 2012 12:14 PM
It sucks when you have to break someone's heart, but if you are this unhappy now how do you think you'll feel like 6 months from now? It's better to do it now then end up hating or resenting him. I've been there.
April 29, 2012 12:14 PM
I think attraction naturally decreases with time, but that it's also easy enough to ramp the attraction levels back up again. Perhaps think about ways of spicing things up again, before throwing in the towel. If you fear you'll regret ending things, frankly you probably will. It sounds like you have a very loving, affectionate relationship. You're very lucky. If the attraction was there before (and it doesn't have to always be plain physical attraction), it can certainly be rekindled.
Edited by meerkat70 On April 29, 2012 12:15 PM
  10095468
April 29, 2012 12:15 PM
QUOTE:

You are not the end all be all of womanhood wink He will be just fine without you.

He sounds like a really great guy. He deserves to be with someone who can appreciate him for who and what he is. If you're not that person (nothing wrong with that) you should let him go on his way so he can find her.
I agree with this. Yes, it will hurt him... maybe even for a while, but eventually he'll get over you and you'll both be better for it. Also, you deserve to be with someone who you're passionate about too. It'll hurt, but it seems like it will be the best option for both of you in the long term. Good luck!
  7496466
April 29, 2012 12:16 PM
you have ONE life. at the end of it, will you be happy you short changed yourself? and you short changed him by not allowing him to find someone who really will love him emotionally and physically?
April 29, 2012 12:16 PM
Leave him now. Not only are you not attracted to him, he's manipulating you with that, "I'm gonna be so sad if you leave" line of horse****. Fix this now and stop wasting your life.
April 29, 2012 12:16 PM
It sounds like you are with him out of pity. Leave him!

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