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Keeping for myself - 25 random things

cause I ran across and made myself giggle

 

1. I recently found directions written by my great-grandmother telling me how to kill a grizzly bear if one surprises me while hanging laundry. Directions included keeping clean underpants on you at all times.
2. I was conceived in a firebird and born in a hurricane to the daughter of a racecar driver, sent to the South in a camaro and raised in Mustangs.
3. I almost died in a car accident for my 21st bday. It was the second time in a year I had to fight for my life. People who waste their lives make me sick. I cant apologise for that.
4. Im a ridiculously awesome public speaker, or at least I was last time I took the stage, the last time including an audience of over 10000 people.
5. I need to go camping. I miss it so badly, I can't even describe it.
6. removed - shit about love
7. I stopped aging at 26 without realising it til I looked around and saw all my 32 year old friends looking awful and being depressed all the time.
8. I really truly do love exercise.
9. I assaulted Alec Baldwin in front of Madison Square Garden.
10. I was raised by wolves.
11. Actually that's not true. My family is a local rock band.
12. I live in the greatest city in the world. The whole thing is my gym. I have a huge gym.
13. I care alot about my reputation and and investing in my own self-respect.
14. But I dont dust.
15. I shouldnt drink tequila at Rock-N-Rose and it has nothing to do with never getting sick on tequila again.
16. I would be more likely to do adventure runs and races if I had health insurance.
17. My heart is whole. Its not broken, its not healing, its not pining for anyone, its not hanging on to hope with anyone from my past, I have no exes anywhere near me, Ive never been jaded, or had any reason to be bitter or anything about love- Its just not something I've ever come across very often at all. Like a once a decade kind of thing.
18. I wish I was at Disneyworld.
19. My head hurts.
20. I wanna get laid.
21. 25 is longer than it used to be.
22. My new kitchen was empty except for a big blender/food processor. That was the only thing I didnt have at my old place.
23. I am about to go make myself a bagel for lunch.
24. And coffee.
25. YAY COFFEE FOR LUNCH!

Fear Of Being Awesome. Afraid of the Light - September 13, 2011 -

~originally written 9/13/11~

OK

I have just about run out of patience with myself. I only know how to therapize myself by writing it out.

WARNING THIS BLOG IS ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ABOUT ME.

I have to accept the fact that I am getting in my own way. When I lay in bed after my alarm goes off, instead of going for a run, Im sabotaging myself. When I sit on the couch and watch tv, instead of doing crunches while I watch tv, Im sabotaging myself. I dont have time for this BS.

What could possibly be the reasons for sabotaging myself?

Its not because I want to remain chubster so I can have pity and an excuse to be lazy.
Its not because I dont know how to go about it.
Its not because I dont have the tools.
Its not because I dont know how to make time.

Its because Im lazy.

Its not because Im not ready, I am.
Its not because I dont know what Im working toward.


Am I scared?
Am I scared that no matter what I will do, I will never ever ever have the body I want? Or that I will...

Oh god my eyes just teared up, that must be the real problem.

ok ...

Talk to yourself.
Talk to that bombshell athlete that lives inside you, talk to Yoovie, Bri.


*deep breath*

I think Im scared, Yoovie.

I have so much to live up to. My expectations for myself are through the roof of Mt Olympus.

If I reach those standards, then... just imagine the new ones I would put on myself.

What if Im resisting reaching my goals because Im terrified I will never be satisfied? What if I am holding back because Im scared of what new things I will dump on my shoulders. What if I reach a size freaking 5 and then decide that I wont be happy until Im in the EFFING OLYMPICS???

You know I would do that to myself. You know I grab the highest ultimate and put it on my calendar with a deadline date and a workable freaking plan.

I dont want to go in the fraking OLYMPICS!

I dont have to be perfect
I dont have to be perfect
I dont have to be perfect

I can say it a million times, I can write it all over my chalkboard bedroom walls, but everytime those words go through my head, it makes me cry because I still dont believe them.

Im sitting here right now with tears in my eyes still, rubbing Kleenex all over my face while I duck behind my monitor because you arent supposed to be emotional at work.

I lost my entire family because I could not live up to their standards of what is good enough and what is right and acceptable.

I lost every childhood friend I had because they expected me to be the perfect role model and I ended up doing things like, riding alone in cars with boys, and kissing in the rink bathroom when we went ice skating, and losing my temper and stomping out of my highschool yearbook staff meetings. Because I made out with a boy. Not even second base. 

I know that I should strive for progress, and not perfection, but that doesnt stop me from beating myself up when my progress isnt perfect.

Im scared because if I reach this goal, if I get to my goal weight/bf%/etc, then what the hell kind of unrealistic standards am I going to inflict on myself then?? Its not like I will stop and let myself enjoy reaching that goal.

Hell no.

I will post a happy celebratory blog- yay im 150 or 140 or whatever I decide is skinny enough.

I will take some before/after photos and buy a new wardrobe and go on my ultimate goal reward trip.

Then I will come home and promptly develop some kind of effed up eating disorder or extreme sports obsession, or ....... or I will have a gorgeous body.

Having a gorgeous body is scary!

I dont know if I could handle more attention on top of what I already get, I know that sounds absolutely ridiculously full of myself, but...

If im in excellent shape and have a beach ready bikini body, and have a cool rock photog job, and finish my novel, and have the bright shiny barbie hair, and have the magic to run around like a pied piper, and tons of amazing beautiful successful friends, while working hard for my community, and trying to help other people get there, and maintaining a booming social life, in one of the hardest cities to succeed in, while bursting with inner light, and knocking my dreams out of the park one after the other after the other... how on earth could I ever live up to the pressure to stay that way? To continue to grow beyond that?

If I just stay fat then no one will hate me.

Im a delusional crazy lady.

Yoovie, Im scared that I cant fail at Anything and I will never learn to stop and be satisfied.

Im scared that I cant stop pushing myself.

Im scared that these last thirty pounds are all I have to hide behind before I have to STFU and be incredible.

I dont want to be incredible!

People hate incredible people!

That's too much for me to take!

And its not like Im saying, I want to be incredible. Im just saying things like, I want to go play in the Grand Canyon.

If I lose this weight, I will have the perfect shaped body. My bone structure is just right. I may be 5'10" but my bones are small. I may have a tiny barely there butt, but my inseam is 37". My face is cute. I have a cute smile. I have healthy hair and skin. All of this superficial BS is just making it worse.

Im angry and scared that its possible for me to have and be the whole package, just like its possible for EVERYONE, because potential means expectation and I cant live under so much expectation.

THis is why my life fell apart last time.

I was 14 years old... standing in front of a crowd of 11,000 people, doing my public speaking thing, engaging the audience that was close enough for me to see, pulling them in with smiles and illustrations and analogies they could relate to. Stirring them up, motivating them forward. The elderly, school aged kids, parents, teenagers, men, women, college educated, high school drop outs, all of them...

I was a prodigy, a shining star, a perfect example... the weight of it, I cant even tell you how much it was killing me. It was destroying me from the inside, this attention on me as a leader. I loved helping people to get up and move and shake and live and love... but it was draining me dry.

Motivating them, speaking from the stage... it motivated me too. Until it turned ugly.

Been there.
Failed that.

I was under a microscope, I was picked apart constantly, every normal teenage mistake was treated as one of the most gravest sins. I had to always be made an example of, because the powers that be knew that if they came down on hard on me, everyone watching would learn the lesson. If they came down hard on someone else, someone noone knew that was making these little mistakes, then only that person would learn the lesson, and that's not very effective when you want a lot of people to behave. I was used as a way of controlling people. A whipping boy.

I smoked a cigarette when I was 17 and was declared unfit for friendship, publicly, by name, from the stage, because of unacceptable behavior and an unwillingness to follow the rules, WHICH I OBVIOUSLY KNEW HOW TO DO. But lynching me publicly taught everyone else how to stay in line or else.

When I blog on here, and I make mistakes and I use bad jokes or abbreviated profanity and I get yanked down, without any thought to the good im trying to do that should overshadow these tiny things, it brings it all back.

I want to hide behind my fat.

I dont want to fall in love with a man I love so much that just hearing his voice heals me, love me back forever.
I dont want to get paid for my hard work, doing what I love with my camera.
I dont want to 'make it' in my chosen field.
I dont want to have my book published and turned into a movie.
I dont want to finish a marathon.
I dont want to travel the world having adventures.
I dont want to be beautiful and happy and healthy.
I dont want to reach my goal weight.

I dont want to reach my goal weight, because I know I cant live up to the pressure that is going to be on my shoulders when I accomplish these things.

Im so angry that I have the potential to be amazing.

People will hate me so much. They will tear me apart mistake by mistake until Im dark and dim and boring and subdued and until I promise not to be anything more than average and well-behaved and quiet.

But its not fame or admiration or applause that I want.

I just want to dress a little slutty because I live in NYC and I like fashion.

But if I stay fat, I will never have to deal with what comes next.
I will never have to worry about being sacrificed on the altar of mediocrity.
I will never have to worry about the pressure to go even farther.
I will never have to worry about having to stay perfect in order to avoid hatred and public criticism and reproval.
I will never have to worry about being the example.
I will never have to worry about the pressure to be perfect all the time.
I will never have to worry about people getting disgusted at me for having bad days when my life is obviously perfect and awesome.
I will never have to live everyday in fear of having it all ripped away from me because no one should be that happy.
Again.

I dont know what to do?

shop for healthy food...
lift free weights...
run...

Im not ready to be alone again.

You guys have got to succeed with me so it wont suck all the life out of me.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves - who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?
For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others." Marianne Williamson

Please please please please tell me how a person is supposed to accept the fact that they can actually have everything without being brutally punished for it, when I see it all the time, and have had the gravity of it kill me once before.

Do I just hope that maybe this time Im mentally strong enough to handle it?
Do I just embrace the ridiculousness that THIS is the scariest thing I may ever do?

That standing up and claiming my potential and allowing myself to reap the benefits of decades of hard work... will be what I need courage for the most?

Do I accept what I learned when I was a teenager?
That there is some strange light in some of us that shows through and creates magic and makes things happen all around us?

Do I have the courage?

Can I find it?

What if it ran away forever?


Do I accept it and go for it?
Or
Do I hide behind these 30 pounds forever?

Im scared I cannot fail...

buy healthy groceries...
lift free weights...
run...

just run...

23. TRAINING: All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

Some people love trends. Jumping from one to the next like those Navi people on the leaves in Avatar.

Some people prefer tried and true measures without changing.

Some people go from hula hoop to trampoline to Zumba to retro roller skates to Mousercise while others run/lift/run/lift/run/lift/rep
eat for 20 years.

Regardless of what side of the fence you are on, why dont you dabble a bit on the other side?

Need something to get you off the couch tonight?

If all you do is run and lift and your routine never changes and you cannot, for the life of you, motivate yourself to stand up and workout… why dont you be a bit daring and try something completely new, super silly, ultra brave, sexy and sassy or just something that intimidates you or excites your enthusiasm.

That’s what motivation really is after all, isnt it? Its a solar flare in your enthusiasm.

If you are always running from one trend to the next, exercising all the time by dabbling in everything, why dont you pick one especially challenging off-the-wall trend, and OWN THAT SUCKER. Stick to it every day, or as often as is healthy, and master it through the end of its duration. And THEN move on. See how much ONE trend can change you before jumping to the next. Pretend that commitment to it is part of its appeal.



I know you all worked out hard this week and your muscles are sore, esp my lil pimps out there, but use that to build up your momentum. One good turn deserves another. If you’ve already solidly STARTED your week off right, THEN END THAT SUCKER RIGHT AS WELL.

If you effed up the beginning of your week, THEN END THAT SUCKER WITH *PRIDE*.

Its still the beginning of the month
Its still the beginning of the day (in AMERICA)
There is still time to make up for bad eating
There is still time to make up for fudging workouts
There is still time to take advantage of the summer weather to get out there
There is still courage enough to jump into something new
There is still determination enough to see things through to the end.

You WANT to be sore.
You WANT to feel the sweat dripping off your skin.
You WANT to smell like something awful maybe.
You WANT to have to wash your workout clothes.
You WANT to feel the pain when you lift your arms to brush your teeth.
You WANT to have blisters.
You WANT to be exhausted.
You WANT muscle failure.
You WANT to collapse at the end and stretch out in the middle of your cool livingroom floor and do nothing for a little too long before you go take that desperately needed shower.

Why do you want these things?

CAUSE IT MEANS THAT YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE WALKING THE WALK and not just talking the talk.

Its what all the cool kids are doing these days… Training.

Not just exercising.
Not just burnings cals.
Just just having a workout.
Not sweating for no reason.

TRAINING.

Training for your future
Training to handle the worst
Training to get the most out of the best
Training to be able to do what you have to do
Training to make your sense of self strong
Training to make your body and mind powerful
Training yourself to lean toward improvement
Training yourself to always move forward
Training yourself to conquer walls, to shove past obstacles, to laugh in the face of opposition

Training yourself to Succeed.

June - Greatest Hits Challenge - ReVAMPd to remove most cardio

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Friday 6/1
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take starting measurements/weight/bf%
13 minute interval warm-up - strive for distance reached in 13 mins
45 minute deadlifting session

Saturday 6/2
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5 mile run - timed
Stretch on Sunset Park hill, pick up strawberries and kiwis and meet Jen to go to Brighton Beach

Sunday 6/3
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30 minutes heavy lifting session
Tom & Eli's Birthday

Monday 6/4
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short morning run - intervals 1:1

Tuesday 6/5
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13 minute interval warm-up - strive for distance reached in 13 mins
45 minute deadlifting session

Wednesday 6/6
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Nerdfitness BodyWeight Circuit at Prospect Park Lake at sunrise

Thursday 6/7
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Free day
meal planning and grocery shopping for nxt week

Friday 6/8
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Morning Run before work - 5 miles - Coney Island
Stretch on the pier
Practice handstands in the sand

Saturday 6/9
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13 minute interval warm-up - strive for distance reached in 13 mins
45 minute deadlifting session / squats / lunges

Sunday 6/10
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mid-day Verrazano Bridge walk-run with camera - time/distance irrelevent

Monday 6/11
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Free day

Tuesday 6/12
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Nerdfitness BodyWeight Circuit on my roof at sunrise

Wednesday 6/13
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Calisthenics challenge - check max reps/time for pushups/crunches/planks/etc at the Long Meadow in Prospect Park - early morning
Evening Workout - 30 minutes deadlift session

Thursday 6/14
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easy 3 mi morning run in Park Slope
meal planning and grocery shopping for next week

Friday 6/15
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13 minute interval warm-up - strive for distance reached in 13 mins
45 minute heavy lifting session

Saturday 6/16
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6.2 mile run - 1 easy circuit of Central Park with camera
yoga and handstand practice in the Ramble /by Belvedere Castle/ by the Jacki O reservoire

Sunday 6/17
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90 minutes - body weight challenge at Brighton Beach

Monday 6/18
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Nerdfitness BodyWeight Circuit on the Luna Park dock

Tuesday 6/19
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60 minutes (2 rounds) express weight circuit

Wednesday 6/20
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recovery day and meal planning for next week

Thursday 6/21
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13 minute interval warm-up - strive for distance reached in 13 mins
45 minute deadlifting session
grocery shopping for next week

Friday 6/22
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Coney Island Morning Run - timed
handstand practice and stretch on the pier

Saturday 6/23
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Gym free for all - do whatever you want - but go

Sunday 6/24
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Long Distance Run 10-15 miles - route of choice
tanning with Jen - and go get some tacos - see if the Sunset Park Pool is open yet and float on your back for a few hours

Monday 6/25
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rest & recovery day

Tuesday 6/26
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60 minutes boxing and calisthenics

Wednesday 6/27
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60 minutes weights free-for-all at the gym

Thursday 6/28
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Nerdfitness BodyWeight Circuit on the 9/11 pier
stretching in Owl's Head park
ultimate bubble bath day
meal planning and grocery shopping for next week

Friday 6/29
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Pick 5 moves and log max weights - hit your breaking point

Saturday 6/30
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long distance run on new route of choice - preferably from Downtown Brooklyn to Grand Central Station via the Brooklyn Bridge
celebration - method/vice of choice for remainder of day
take final measurements/weight/bf%

Because Im an Evil Bitch

Red Velvet Brownies with White Chocolate Buttercream Frosting

Red Velvet Brownies with White Chocolate Buttercream Frosting
source: adapted from How Sweet It Is

For the brownies:
3 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
1 oz red food coloring (or a scant 2 tbsp)
2 tsp pure vanilla extract, divided
1/2 cup (8 tbsp) unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
2 large eggs, at room temperature
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 tsp salt

For the white chocolate buttercream frosting:
1/2 cup (8 tbsp) unsalted butter, at room temperature
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
4 oz good-quality white chocolate (not chips), melted – I recommend Callebaut
1 – 2 tbsp heavy cream

To make the brownies:
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter and flour an 8″x8″ baking pan.

In a small bowl, slowly stir together the cocoa powder, food coloring, and 1 tsp vanilla into a thick paste until no lumps of cocoa remain. Set aside.

In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat together the butter and sugar on medium speed until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes. Add eggs one at a time, mixing well after each addition, then stir in the remaining 1 tsp of vanilla. With the mixer off, add in the cocoa mixture, then turn the mixer to medium and beat the two mixtures together until they are one uniform color. Slowly add in the flour and salt and mix on medium-low speed, just until combined. Do not overmix.

Remove the bowl from the mixer and stir up the batter with a rubber spatula once or twice just to ensure all of the flour has incorporated from the sides of the bowl and there isn’t anything stuck on the bottom of the bowl. You’ll want one uniformly colored (red) batter.

Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bake for 30-40 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean when inserted into the center of the brownies. Allow brownies to completely cool in the pan on a baking rack, about 45-60 minutes. Frost brownies in the pan, cut into 12 bars, and serve, or remove the entire batch from the pan to a cutting board, cut into 12 bars, frost, and serve.

To make the frosting:
In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream butter until soft and fluffy then beat in the vanilla. With the mixer on low speed, slowly add in powdered sugar 1/2 cup at a time; allow the sugar to mix in before adding the next 1/2 cup. Once all of the sugar has been added, beat on medium speed for 30 seconds and scrape down the sides of the bowl. Add in the melted white chocolate and beat on medium speed until incorporated. With the mixer on low, add in heavy cream 1 tbsp at a time and beat at medium speed until the frosting has reached your desired consistency.

Wild

Life is in the wild, not the zoo.

There are no habitats provided just for you and people like you.

There are no protective fences separating the predators from the prey, the meek from the carnivorous, the strong and the quick away from the weak and the slow.

We are responsible for our vital needs; food, shelter, warmth, water, companionship.

But is that all you are doing? Or are you living?

Because if you are living, then you realise you are living in the wild. And if youre living out here, where your mind works clearer and you realise that you are indeed, an animal, a creature, and if youre gonna stay here, you better be getting stronger.

So are you in love with all the inventions that we have that allow us to live a passive stationary life of convenience....

Or are you in love with being the dominant species on this fucking planet.

22. Victory is Mine

“To begin, begin.” -Peter Nivio Zarlenga

“I think there is something, more important than believing: Action! The world is full of dreamers, there aren’t enough who will move ahead and begin to take concrete steps to actualize their vision.” -W.Clement Stone

“For purposes of action nothing is more useful than narrowness of thought combined with energy of will.” -Henri Frederic Amiel

“Just do it.” -Nike

Speaking of Nike, I have adopted this sexy ambitious vixen of awesomeness as my new North Star in the battle of the mediocre.


genzoman.deviantart.com/art/Nike-god
dess-of-victory-120719773



The Goddess of Victory! Half Titan and sibling of Kratos! (word @ God of War fans). Her siblings (and half sibling) include Zeal, Strength, Force and Wisdom. Pretty badass family, right?

She was Zeus’ wing-woman. That’s just… well I admire her.

Here check this out, from goddessnike.com

“As ‘Victory’ is a natural force existing in these realms, I do not require anyone to believe in me because it is self evident that I exist. This contrasts to Gods in monotheistic religions that require a doctrine of faith since God cannot, in these religions, be experienced or conceptualised.

People worship ‘Victory’ because by doing so they show their appreciation of an important natural force that leads to Hope and not expectation.

In relation to this, I am a winged Goddess because I give people the ability to soar and fly to their highest highs and reach the sky by achieving better consciousness and give hope to those in the lowest lows that they too may fly one day.

Victory brings ‘glorious strife and joyful shouts’. This is an important thing to bear in mind: the victor celebrates his success; and even the defeated party has glory because, by his act of participation, he validates the victor’s superiority.

This is where the phrase ‘it is not the winning, it is the taking part that counts’ comes from. ”

Clears throat.


emoticon People worship ‘Victory’ because by doing so they show their appreciation of an important natural force that leads to Hope and not expectation.

Think on that for a moment. Its actually quite profound. We get stuck in our heads so often, chained there by expectation. Burdened by real or imagined expectations. Its heavy, its infectious and it can immobilize us and keep us from acting.

Thinking about exercising… la di da.
Laying in bed planning what exercises Im going to do this morning… la di da.
Remembering if my workout clothes are on the line drying or dirty… lad di da.
Meditating on my goals… la di da.
Envisioning myself skinny… la di OH CRAP IM LATE FOR WORK!

Expecatations and overthinking… you just spent your workout time doing nothing but thinking.

VICTORY does NOT motivate you to dwell on expectation and living up to standards. VICTORY motivates you toward HOPE.

WHY?

I love emoticonelling words!


emoticonvic·to·ry   /ˈvɪktəri, ˈvɪktri/ noun, plural -ries.

1. a success or triumph over an enemy in battle or war.

2. an engagement ending in such triumph

3. the ultimate and decisive superiority in any battle or contest

4. a success or superior position achieved against *ANY* opponent, opposition, difficulty, etc.


emoticonex·pec·ta·tion   /ˌɛkspɛkˈte=
8;ʃən/
noun
1. the act or the state of expecting


emoticonhope   /hoʊp/ noun, verb, hoped, hop·ing.

1. the feeling that what is wanted *can be had* or that events will turn out for the best

Now, since we have the actual definitions in front of us, let’s put them together again.

Victory, over anything, including our own tendency to overthink or paralyse our body with the weight of what is ahead, inspires hope, not expectation.

WHY THO

Victory, does not require you to believe in it, because it will exist regardless of what you think, feel or EXPECT.

Expectations sit on your shoulders as a symbol of the battle to come. It's there, neutrally, looming on the horizon. It doesnt mean its good or bad or evil or pure or possible or impossible.. its just there. We have come to see expectations, often, in a negative light.

Oh there are all these expectations on me, I will never live up to them, wahhhhhhhhh (this is myself right here whining about this) STFU.

Expectations are just what is on its way.

Victory, however, comes after. It keeps you from dwelling on what is to come, but instead, allows you to revel in the happiness of success. It allows to be be in the here and the now, not wrapped up in the concern of the horizon.

Throw confetti.
Dance around the in-zone.
Thank yo mama and jesus and yourself or just go WEeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Go to DisneyWorld.
YOU ARE VICTORIOUS.

now, ok… that’s done… oh god… now I have to… o no

NO NO NO stop that!

the only thing that Victory inspires you to see in the future, should be hope.

WHY?

Because Victory colors the future golden.

With Victory under your belt, you:

~can see clearly now the rain is gone
~feel powerful and superhuman because you’ve smashed your limits
~put extra swing your hips in your finally-got-them-suckers-over-my-muffintop jeans
~believe you can take on bigger and more difficult challenges
~change your perception of your own strength and what your body can conquer 
~smile brightly and contagiously
~have a better understanding of what hard work can bring to your future
~have hope that you can continue

Ahhh Hope… ‘the feeling that what is wanted *can be had* or that events will turn out for the best’.

What a positive thing to believe in.

HOPE WOULD NOT EXIST IF WE WERE MEANT TO NEVER WANT MORE THAN WHAT WE HAVE RIGHT NOW.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh busted.

Wait… humans are supposed to WANT to achieve and improve and get better?

Absolutely, whether you are an evolutionist or a creationist.

1. Evolution. Humans evolve to better the species for survival in future generations. Constantly adapting to their environments and needs as a group, to live long and prosper. (this is my summary, not a dictionary entry)

2. Creation. Man was created in God’s image. God is one ambitious dude. S/He encourages his/her creation to strive for the betterment of all mankind. If you are created in his/her image, then you are one ambitious dude/ette who is striving toward betterment. (this is my summary, not a Bible entry)

Ok Im getting off point, or I’ve made all my points and its time to wrap them up.

In order to achieve Victory, and all the hope that it inspires, which we all NEED, we must take action. We must JUST DO IT.

Turn off the thinking and turn on the action.


Victory over your mental hurdles brings a wealth of happy feelings and glitter and sunshine.

Victory over your own self-made blockade brings an abundance of determination, will-power and ability to press forward.

Victory over your couch, your comfy warm bed, your ugly pouty temper tantrum, will bring an overflow of personal pride, a sense of accomplishment and HOPE HOPE HOPE.

Victory over your tendency to doubt your abilities, will teach you that what you want… CAN BE YOURS.

Defeating your own over-thinking will unlock the passage that leads from laying there imagining a run… to returning home victorious.

Today let’s use the power of a win, to fuel the triumphant champion within.

Champion… sounds good right? You don’t have to be in an organized sporting event to be the champion of your own world, today.

….annnnnnd ………. Olympic dismount!

GO GO GO !

emoticon The will to conquer is the first condition of victory. -Ferdinand Foch
emoticon Private victories precede public victories. You can’t invert that process any more than you can harvest a crop before you plant it. -Stephen R. Covey
emoticon Victory belongs to the most persevering. - Napoleon Bonaparte
emoticon Victory is sweetest when you’ve known defeat. -Malcolm S. Forbes
emoticon The ultimate victory in competition is derived from the inner satisfaction of knowing that you have done your best and that you have gotten the most out of what you had to give. -Howard Cosell
emoticon Victory becomes, to some degree, a state of mind. Knowing ourselves superior to the anxieties, troubles, and worries which obsess us, we are superior to them. -Basil King
emoticon I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self. -Aristotle
emoticon Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting. -Napoleon Hill
emoticon Every great achievement is the victory of a flaming heart. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
emoticon Accept the challenges, so you may feel the exhilaration of victory. -George S. Patton
emoticon There is no victory at bargain basement prices. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

21. Like a Phoenix

emoticon Chant This:



It has been amazing being able to watch the growth of the new WTC rising from GroundZero from the top of my hill and from the foundation as I've been shooting its progress for a couple years now. Actually Ive been shooting its progress since I the day I staring working on my own body and my own reconstruction. 

Where I once used to walk past a gigantic mouth in the ground, sucking in debris) like that mouth in the desert at the beginning of Return of the Jedi, the one that digests you for 1000 years), there is now a neck breaking skyscraper shooting up like a sunflower (you know thse suckers grow two inches while you are at work).

They have been working at the speed of about 1 floor per week for the last year and a half. And they come in, every day, working their backs to death, balancing on the most dangerous worksite, in all elements, in rain or shine or snow, consistently. And thanks to their drive and determination… beautiful glass phoenix rising from the ashes, and I AM SO GLAD that I have been able to watch it from the beginning.

you think you can see one floor of work difference on that building from the verrazano bridge on Friday evening?

Nope. That rate of progress seems fast and slow at the same time- but I'll be damned if that thing is not now the tallest building again. It dwarfs the ESB. It makes me heart pound just seeing the sun's reflection just explode off it's flat sides.

Im completely and totally in love with this building and its slow steady progress and what it stands for with me... and about me.

Not only was this recovery NOT impossible… its AMAZING.

Check this out.



and the new bright starry skyline we are scheduled to have by 9/11/13:



www.amazing-architecture
.com/280/freedom-tower-1-w
orld-trade-center-new-york-city/


I derive strength, courage, anger, righteous rage, determination, hope and a burning inner flame from watching it get taller every day, watching it in my mind when i cant actually see the difference from afar. It makes me think of all the blood, sweat, tears, grief and agony that it once represented. And now… well now it’s going to be our greatest lighthouse.



My life has been reduced to ashes more than once. More than twice. Moe than 3 times. My health… well hell I burned that sht alive. My self-confidence? Sacrificed on the altar of laziness and despair. My sense of self? sigh… my sense of self is sometimes the only thing solid enough that it can resurrect the remnants of my spirit. And my spirit...  well... I am who I am because of the things that I decided to hold on to, because of the best parts of myself that Ive chosen to always nourish. Because I have parts of me that are good and whole and beautiful and THAT is the part that I cultivate and the part I use as a foundation every time I have to rebuild.

The grass is greener where you water it. Dont water the yard that doesnt make you happy.

Sometimes, you have to look back and remember when you were under the floorboards of ROCK BOTTOM.

Sometimes, you have to feel again, what you felt when your world disappeared.

Sometimes, you need to take a deep breath of the air you breathe NOW, in order to be able to exhale the stale air of past grief.

Sometimes, the best way to motivate yourself today, is to peel back that painful curtain and just do it for the person that was lost, battered and beaten… but got back up and got you where you are today.



This week when it comes time to get up and VERB, if you don’t feel the stirrings of the motivation that get you to stand up, or get you out of the door, reflect for awhile on when you were a broken soul… and then take a deep breath and see how far you have come.

And to thank that person for standing up again, embrace your phoenix today.

Embrace your phoenix
Rise from the ashes of a past that weighs you down
Revel in the glory and power of your own strength today
Do it because you never know when you will need it again
Do it because you know you’ve needed it in the past
Do it because you love you.

“Remember the Past and Honor the Future”

20. Silly Me! Forgot I Am in a League of SuperHeroes!

Need motivation today?


emoticon LOL we must have forgotten that we are the ambadassadors of awesome.

We forgot that when we pull in tightly together and concentrate all of our ambition and determination and outright FIYAH... we LEVEL UP.

Yeah you heard me.

Support gone stale?
Comraderie AWOL?
Here's what you need in a support system. Make one from scratch or reinvigorate your current situation.

emoticon The Mom/Dad - This(these) friend(s) will stroke your bangs from your tear stained cheeks and hug you and believe in you and show you in their smile that they believe that you can pick yourself back up and move on. They will kindly, yet sternly, fuss at you when you are being self-destructive or playing unfairly. Let them be your tether to the real world. Your contact at headquarters.

emoticon The Jokester - This is one you can count on to give you a giggle or a guffaw or a hearty "Har!" when you start taking this thing too seriously. Their super power is being able to LIGHTEN UP a situation before it turns to darkness and hopelessness.

emoticon The Energizer Bunny/JackRabbit - S/he's the friend that never stops, that never wavers, that is constantly fighting battle after battle and defeating villain after villain. You may sometimes feel like you can never compete with their drive or their accomplishments, but you always seem to come back to earth and remember that, phew- at least they are on your side. Good thing we don't compete with others all the time and usually only ourselves. Remember that they are an example, and a live-action reminder to press forward- not your enemy. Ask them for advice, or better yet- ask them if THEY need some support for a change.

emoticon The One That's Done Already - Wha? They reached their goal weight? Dont cut them out of your life just because they reached their goals! They need you as much as you need them. Unless you guys want to backslide together! O_o NO! They probably know lots of tips and tricks. They've 'been there' and can relate to you.

emoticon The Scientist - This homie knows how to make all the numbers and chemicals and metabolic whosamawhatsits work in your favor! When you're doing everything right, and still cant make headway... FIND THIS HOMEBOY!

emoticon The Bad One - they break all the rules, use cheat days every other day, binge like its their job, bitch about not losing weight, bail at the last minute on workouts you were supposed to do together, on races and mini goal challenges. Their bad example actually spurs you onward to keep doing the right things.
"What Not To Do" is their specialty and look better simply by comparison. Its a boost to the self-esteem. They obviously dont care, so it shouldnt matter that you get a little motivation from their resistance to the same means that you crave.

emoticon The Foodie - Find them when your nutrition is falling by the wayside cause youre bored of the only 6 healthy recipes you know. Find them when you are realising youre gonna have to learn how to cook and have no idea where to start. Find them when you want to experiment. Find them when you wanna get excited about healthy fun hands-on projects again! Grocery Shop TOGETHER so you dont fill your cart with Nacho Cheese Chips and Ice Cream Barrells and Oreos and Ramen Noodles and Tyson Processed Creature Nuggets and Diet Coke and Little Debbies and Bratwursts with the fake processed cheese inside and and and... they will open up a whole new world for you.

emoticon The Sergeant - They will give it to you straight, no bullsht allowed. You wanna know why you arent making progress, with no sugar coating or beating around the bush? Put on your big girl panties and give this one a call. But be ready for the truth. Dont call IF YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

emoticon The Volunteer - "Anytime you ever wanna workout together, just call me! I'd love to go for a run!" You may love working out solo and you may be terrified of someone seeing you sweat and grunt and breathe like a rhino with a cigarette but you know what... sometimes its nice to get out and share the road, just for an hour or so. Decide not to be alone today? Call them. No really, call them. You may absolutely love it and the best thing about the Volunteer... they actually totally do NOT judge you ever. And they sweat the same amount as you do :)

emoticon The HATERS - They are all bitches, prove those jerks wrong. You aren't awesome cause everyone is telling you that you are, its when people start hating that you know you're making waves. They are your villains, not your Kryptonite, remember that shizwhiz. (note to SELF here). They are your villains, not your Kryptonite!!!!

emoticon Lil Miss/ter Cant Be Held Down - We all need an eternal optimist in our corner from time to time. Dont hate on the perky, get infected. Being happy is contagious, and being happy makes it easier to get up off the couch when you are hating yourself and do what needs to be done. Call them when you need to hear the bright side of a bad situation so you can have the heart to deal with it.

emoticon The Cheerleader That's Never Been Fat - Hey she's gorgeous and her body came from her heritage, not her eating habits and lORD knows she'S never exercised except for fun, but she loves you. She knows how hard you have to work and she always tries, in her own way to encourage you, while tring very hard not to hurt your feelings. Maybe she joins you in eating a salad at a bbq so you arent the only one. Or goes shopping for workout clothes with you. Or she just consistently likes or comments on every single workout you post that hits Facebook from the Daily Mile. Word? Dont hate the tiny, be thankful she can see past your outside appearance to the hard working person you are on the inside.

emoticon The Person on the Treadmill Next To You - They dont mind if you secretly compete with their speed, it boosts them up as much as you ;) (and they are probably doing the same to you anyway)

emoticon The Marathoner/Racer/Event Addict - they have official races two or three times a month. Geez man! Im working on getting the courage to do what you do. Maybe even with you? wait that's too much Gasp! No NO NO!!! Its ok, they're still rooting for you. Dont forget to congratulate them on their PR's and victory laps, like their race pics and wish them luck though. Believe in Karma.

emoticon The Yogi - Anyone that peaceful must have some seriously bottled up rage. No? Then go to them when you are looking for serenity and balance in your workouts and their sage wisdom (and stretching suggestion) might just blow your brain hole. Meditation and stretching are an important part of this balanced breakfast.

emoticon The Tough Cookie - cool as a cucumber, this ally is into less orthodox means of getting in their sweat time. If your outlets are stale, go to them for new ideas and ways to break out of your comfort zone with a BIG BANG. Boxing, MMA, Surfing, Rockclimbing... you want adventure? FIND THIS ONE.

emoticon The Tigress - She's in this for the same reasons as you, the ones no one wants to admit. Bond like the sexy chicks you are plan your battles over red nail polish and skimpy lingerie and True Blood. OH YEAH

Whatever your inner circle of support is made up of, cherish each of them. And if you are realising that you are maybe a bit too alone in your journey, there are ways to fix that. (But thats a blog for another time).

Next time you need to motivate yourself to do what you gotta do, grab your little black book of superheroes and ask one of them to help you with the push you cant give yourself.

emoticon xoxox

Looking Back on A Low Moment and a Lesson I Have to Remember

Thursday, August 5, 2010  (not today)- Last night I had a date planned. Well, a hang-out planned. I was really excited. It's the first time I was excited like that in a long time. We'd spent the night on the phone the night before, sending pictures back and forth, laughing and just both of us giddy with all the possibilities of what we could do together. Giddy was the perfect word for it.

Then his wallet got stolen, and his day got shot to hell from that moment onward. Without a license, or any cash, or ID or anything- there was no way to get through all those tolls into NYC to be able to see me. He was held up at the police station, sick to his stomach (it's worse apparently, if you weren't born in this country).

I was crushed. He said he didn't know if he was more upset about having to sit at the social security office today, or about not being able to hang out with me last night.

I was immediately 99% convinced that he'd remembered what I looked like, changed his mind and headed to The Hills. He's too hot for me, too successful, too cool, too awesome, too fun... I'm not allowed to have those guys, yet. Who cares that I wasn't really open to meeting someone right now, he'd been fun so I was sad. Didnt even know if I would be able to be myself around him yet, since that just never gets to happen to me. I was deflated. 

I sat on my front steps, had my first cigarette in god knows how long and immediately texted my bestie, Joshua, to see if he was at work, at practice or with his girlfriend. He asked if I was home cause he knew I had a date, erm... a hang-outing and when i told him yes, said he'd be over in 5. Then, I quickly texted him back and told him not to worry about it, that we'd been around each other alot lately and not to worry about me. He responded, 'Better make sure we dont see each other too much. We might get sick of seeing each other.' so I said, 'yeah,I've been around too much lately' and hit SEND, looked up and he was standing in front of me with this face on like, Jesus Christ- what is wrong with you?

Joshua and I have both been working out this summer as though our lives depended on it. He's trying to beef up and is addicted to this Bodylastics program and its totally working and he wants to finish it before moving on to P90X. I've been running and boxing and crunching like a fiend. So his confidence is skyrocketing and mine is plummeting with every lb I lose.

So we sat there on the steps, side by side cause I just couldn't look at him. I was so deep in that downward spiral and he made me say every stupid thought in my head. From missing Jen (before she moved to NYC) to trying to get used to having girlfriends in NY to believing that I'll never be good enough for anything. The more weight I lose, the more convinced I am that even at goal weight, I'll still be the hugest person in any room. The more weight I lose, the more convinced I am that it's not enough, that there isn't a difference, that I can't pass a reflective surface or see a candid picture that someone posts on facebook without wanting to jump off a cliff. I'm not comfortable in this body, it won't last, it's not familiar, I'll never be small, I'll never be never be never be... It's the closest I ever came to crying in front of him.

So he put his arm around me and told me that something was wrong. I was known for being the girl that blew off dates like office memos. If someone wasn't into me, whatev- who cares- move along, if youre not into me, im probably even more not into you. I never conform, never concern myself with what others care about me unless I was hurting someone by accident.

I love everyone, try anything, live honestly, love openly and smile all the time. He'd noticed that pictures of me were getting less smiley, less genuine smiley and that today he looked at my facebook picture and I wasn't smiling at all. He said dating was sucking out my soul, because I was trying to fill a need that I didn't have, and that a hole was opening where one had never been before. I'm always surrounded by couples, always, and it was adding to my bottoming out self-esteem. The harder I was working out, the harder I pushed to get smaller, the more depressed I'd get.

He said he can't walk past a mirror now without checking himself out, but whatever he saw in that reflection was what it was. It wasn't a measure of his worth, it was just what he looked like. If he likes it, awesome, if not- well then, he is already deep into the process of changing it, just like me.

It seems that not only have I left a whole life behind, but I am leaving a person behind too now, officially. I've been so conditioned for the last decade to accept what was wrong with me, that I never realised that I'd changed it almost completely and those things weren't wrong anymore. And I'd always, until a year or two ago, set everything I ever wanted to do aside until I could deserve it. I can't wear shorts yet, I'm too fat. I can't skydive yet, I'm too fat. I can't date hot guys yet, I'm too fat. I can't dress up and go clubbing, I'm too fat. I can't wear a little black dress, I'm too fat. I can't jump up on stage at a sold out show, I'm too fat. I can't be in pictures with the beautiful people, I'm too fat. I can't have the lights on during sex, I'm too fat. So I refuse to want any of those things.

He mentioned a couple of the fans that occasionally show up for non-show events- like get togethers at bars or birthday parties and such. My friend K asked him why those fans don't come around more often, and he hated to have to explain it to her but he had to tell me, too.

These three girls are a bit heavy, don't really have great skin or get a bit awkward in social situations- but there is nothing wrong with them and they love being around the funny jokes and good times that the band is always surrounded by. He was trying to explain to K how our group can be a bit intimidating, and he was trying so hard not to sound conceited or full of hot air- he was trying to explain the sensitivity of it. Because seriously, y'all, they don't care. If someone is fun and happy and likes to drink, then hell yeah come party with us, who cares what you look like.

But they feel out of place and have said they felt like they stuck out like a sore thumb. That broke my heart because these girls are awesome. They love music, they know the city inside and out, they crack me up constantly, they are at lots of shows- so I love their familiar faces. But when he was trying to explain how they felt the contrast between them and the rest of us when we go out, it was a total lazerbeam to what I was feeling.

He tried to tell me that I was one of the beautiful people and that somewhere between 250+ pounds in the swamp in Louisiana and 160+ pounds in NYC- it had happened. I had to mourn that old version of myself. It was ok to let the fear and the self-doubt and the pressure to be perfect just fall away. It was ok to embrace all the things I'd always felt I was too broken to do- since I was the only thing stopping me. No one else was ever stopping me. I may not have loved the girl I used to be, but I had to let her go and allow myself to love the girl I was now. I had to keep the best parts of myself and let the rest fall away with the weight and the shame and the misplaced obligations and false ideas of what I should be, or I would never let myself be happy.

The people I meet now don't know the old me, they don't see me struggling to slip out of the side of pictures. They don't see me 5-7 years ago, crying during physical therapy. All they see is this really tall normal sized girl, which I still can barely bring myself to be able to write when describing myself, who acts like she weighs 250 lbs or something.

So I can't just lose the weight, I have to lose the fear and the hangups as well. part of getting healthy, getting sexy, whatever, is enjoying the benefits other than what you see in the mirror. Wear shorts, leave the lights on, skydive, go clubbing. Who cares if you hide behind clothes? Who doesn't?

He basically made me realise I have to practice what I preach. Maybe the reason my self-esteem is so down is because I'm clinging so tightly to the mindset of the fat girl that I am so DONE with being- that my entire existence is a contradiction.

I have to mourn her and let her go. And it hurts. We've been together for a decade. She was safe, and in the background, and never in the spotlight. Forcing her into the life I lead now is painful for her. You can't just throw someone who is 100 lbs overweight into a little black dress and eff-me pumps, drop her in a club on the Upper West Side with a pack of models and rockstars and directors and photographers and stunt drivers and actors and say go! have fun! She's going to feel it. Even if it wouldn't affect everyone the same way, it would go through their head that they didn't physically fit in. It's sad, it's a serious injustice- but you do feel it.

He said I shouldn't feel it anymore. Besides fitting in seamlessly, they love me, and that's reason enough. I wasn't sticking out like a sore thumb. I was sticking out for better, more interesting reasons.

So I cried on him for the first time, and I drank a little vodka, and had a last cigarette, and let him hug me on the front steps. Then we played MarioKart64, and laughed our asses off and he went home, with a very serious reminder to be nicer to myself. Accept my successes instead of clinging to my failures. Shut up and accept that I'm hot, as soon as possible.

Then my poor rocker date who had a terrible day sent me a text message and asked me to send him another picture, cause he just wanted to see my face again.

I'm trying. I just never expected this part of losing weight.



Joshua and I, way back in the day - and years later in 2012.

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