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PajamaJam/New Apartment Pics

Too hard to blog anything new or personal lately. Been mostly going through old blogs of mine for what I need. Sharing what's going on with me is still too hard at this moment. Too raw. Too personal. Too vulnerable.

too emo for my taste or natural habitat.

Even Jen and Joshua only know small pieces but not enough to put it all together.

1. The PajamaJam - most epic night of the year - story to follow when I feel like talking again

with Jen (her pjs were under her hoodie)

with Michael O'Mayhem, complete with his plaid smoking jacket.

of course

Peter and I... wasted

Peter's first lead vocals with Joshua backing him up, good stuff

Unfortunately from my indian style seat on the front row, I couldnt get pics of Ian and Chris, but they were wasted too.

Sounds like a lot of wasted.
It was.
I passed out.

Next morning at Life Cafe, having brunch and manmosas

So after the pajama jam, the tequila triple birthday, the U-Haul we filled with people, the storage space detour, the afterparty, the after-after party, the part where we all slept and woke up in different places, the copious amounts of stuff and stuff and rockroll and dont forget the alcohol... and then waking up and brunch and then the hot tub and then ...

I went home and gathered up my essentials and moved to my new place. Which is SO empty.


And quiet....

my new livingroom, cant wait to build a reading/writing/coffee area over by those windows. Also- lol- eventually have a TV and a computer...

yeah, I want to sip coffee and write in this spot. I should get myself a mug and a robe like grownups have

my perfect tiny little kitchen just for me. As soon as I can get to Ikea I will have pots and pans and forks and plates and all that good stuff that I need to, you know, eat.


And here's Jen enjoying the part of my bedroom that I've got done so far.

And I want to thank her for helping me put together my bed.

That sucker came in handy when I christened the new place this morning.

16. Pride is a Magic Weapon

Pride is an amazing and momentum-igniting force of nature. In short, it is pure magic.

Now, I am not speaking about the evil pride before a fall type of hubris, Im talking about authentic pride in one’s accomplishments. Pride in your hard work and being able to do something you couldn’t do before.

“My mother drew a distinction between achievement and success. She said that achievement is the knowledge that you have studied and worked hard and done the best that is in you. Success is being praised by others. That is nice but not as important or satisfying. Always aim for achievement and forget about success.” - Helen Hayes

“Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The gain in self confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labor is immense.” - Thomas A. Bennett

Recently, my chick-BFF, Jen,had a fun day. She moved here to NYC one year ago (as of last week) and it was a very overwhelming adjustment from little Bon Temps, Louisiana. Granted she already had a ton of friends here through Joshua and I, but even moving here and having friends handed to you, snapping up an apartment and a job within a couple handfuls of days and having your BFF by your side makes it easier…. BUT……. MOVING TO NEW YORK CITY FROM THE BAYOU IS TERRIFYING AND HARD WORK.

So, her friend comes up to visit for the weekend and she takes him to see Times Square, most of Midtown, Central Park, Rock Center, etc all these touristy places in Manhattan and then allllllllllllllllllllllllllll the way down to the bottom of Brooklyn to Coney Island and the baseball game/beach day she had planned.

Now, if any of you know this area, you know the MTA train system is a tangle of yarn and kittens, and that the first time you navigate a touristy day through the city, you are TERRIFIED of getting lost or killed or simply just unable to get back home. Its about 15 transfers, miles of walking and lots of basic sense of direction and luck.

The day went off without a hitch and they had a great time. That night, they navigated their way to my crib and we plopped in the backyard. That’s when it started dawning on her.

She’d navigated NYC alone for the first time. Without even talking to any residents to plan her course ahead of time. She dove in, handled her business and even did spontaneous changing of agenda and train preference and every single thing that can happen that makes your heart stop the first time you do it all.

She’d been here 3 months and was OWNING it. She suddenly was sitting up straighter, chest out, head high, full of smiles. She starts talking about everything she wants to try/discover/explore next. It was the most beautiful thing ever.

weeks later…. hasnt worn off yet. she’s still do do doing, with and without me.

First time I could stand up and own that I’d done a mile, I wanted to do two.
After 5, I wanted to do 7.
After losing 10 pounds, I wanted to lose 20.
After 50, I wanted to lose another 50.
After running 10 miles, I wanted those 13.1

When you accomplish something, it feels really really really good. Especially because you know for a fact that there was a time (perhaps just yesterday) when you couldn’t do what you just knocked out of the park.


“Achievement is not always success while reputed failure often is. It is honest endeavor, persistent effort to do the best possible under any and all circumstances.” - Orison Swett Marden

If you are having a difficult time motivating yourself this week, stop and come up with a list of all the things you have accomplished that the ‘past self’ could have never done, or would never have attempted.

Then allow yourself to be proud.

THEN do something to add to that list, or sign up for something, or train for something or simply decide you will be able to do it.

Its ok! It really is!

Im not telling you to be a haughty rub-it-in-your-bff’s-face arrogant obnoxious beeyotch, just go ahead and roll around in that personal sense of achievement.

Pay attention the positive emotions that follow and I GUARANTEE you, you will WANT MORE of the good feelings.

THIS is what changing your lifestyle is all about.

When it comes down to it, its not about being the BEST at counting calories, knowing healthy foods, cooking, shopping, memorizing calorie burn rates, blogging, tracking, reading, etc…

Its about self-esteem.

And its called SELF-esteem… cause it’s YOUR responsibility.

Go get your PRIDE on, tonight.

I sure as hell am.

*thanks to

15. Hate the Hate and Change Your Fate

Remember the last time that your body made you cry?

I do. February 15 2012. And the time before that...

March 2011

I was sitting in my bedroom, trying to get ready to shoot a concert in the city. I couldn’t find my other shoe. The shoe that would have made my outfit. The shoe that I needed because no other shoes would go with my outfit. And I needed the shoes because this was the only outfit I felt I could pull off wearing. And if I couldnt wear it, and I couldnt look decent in anything else, then I couldnt leave the house.

My bedroom has a mirror facing my bed that is so huge that it shows everything from about a foot from the floor all the way to the ceiling. I sat on my bed, staring at my reflection, and that “choke on your feelings” sob moment happened. And then the tears began to fall. Instead of curling up into my pillows, I watched myself cry. I tore apart my reflection.

The extra fluff between my tits and the bottom of my torso as I hunched over.
The way the elastic band of my underwear cut into my curves.
So much boobs that I look like I have a fat cat curled up under my shirt.
Double chin when I look down or turn my head.
Stupid fcking freckles everywhere.
I have scars all over my left eye from my wreck.
Im fat.
Im a behemoth.

I laid back on the bed in a maelstrom of self-hatred and the bed creeeeeeeeeeaked and I lost it. Tears forever.

My friends would be happier if I just didn’t go to the concert cause then they can be the group backstage that is 100% beautiful and perfect and no amazon behemoth would be orbiting them.

Kicked off the one shoe I found, stripped off the body-hiding outfit I’d agonized to find. Pulled on sweats and my roommate’s 2XL tshirt. Curled up and cried myself to sleep, ignoring my phone as it rang off the hook, my friends not knowing what happened to me or if I was just lost in the city.

I missed my dear friend’s cameo appearance in a huge anniversary show at Gramercy Theater and let a lot of people down because I was so CONSUMED WITH MYSELF.

I dont want to be selfish, and wallowing in self-pity, to me, is the very tippy top form of grotesque selfishness.

SIDENOTE: there are times when you need to indulge your self-hatred because it is out of your control, like violent PMS/PMDD, the 48 hours after you get dumped, and anytime you hurt someone else. Do it, get it out of your system, then change/fix things.

The morning after my date with hate, I laid there with eyes swollen shut. I slipped into a different kind of self-loathing. Focusing on everything I wasn’t.

Normal height.
A Girlfriend.
Someone people even thought of as a dateable option.

Then I REALLLLY started makin sht up just to list things I wasnt to make myself cry more.

Cared about.

Finally I was convincing myself that I had no right to be alive because negative thinking is so damn ADDICTIVE! AND FAST!

You go from 0 to suicidal in 4 hours!

Like, seriously, if you indulge for too long… suicidal. Like.. staring in the mirror wondering if any of your upcoming plans are ones you could die without experiencing and if your room is clean enough to not be an embarrassment after the coroner leaves.

Then my phone bzzzd.

My bff,  Joshua.

“Get out of your head. Wherever you are, do NOT stay there.”

Message might have saved my life.

What did I *REALLY* want ?

I wanted to beeeeeeeeee all those things I was convinced I wasn’t- but wherever I was, I couldn’t stay there.

I had to shake it off. I stood up, I jumped up and down. I shook out my limbs and I screeeeeeeeeeamed as loud as I could. Why why why am I so in love with hating myself??

How do I start to love me. I have to start loving right now, RIGHT NOW, to balance out this bullsht.

I love me by… running.

I ran away. I ran and I ran and I ran.
I didnt count the miles.
I didnt track the minutes.
I didnt calculate the calories.
I cried.

I cried because I knew I had the potential to be amazing and beautiful and strong and lovable and unforgettable but I had no patience and even though it was all in my hands, I wasn’t makin it happen, anymore. I was stopping it from happening.
I cried because I was ashamed of myself, not because of the fact that I was fat, but because I thought extra skin and pounds made me less of a human and less of a spirit and less worthy of the hard work that brings so much happiness and the glow inside of us.

I was ashamed that I doubted myself so completely.
I was ashamed that I had no faith in the one person that has never abandoned me.

I will never abandon myself again.


When I wake up, and I don’t want to, I remember the day I promised not to abandon myself.

When I feel angry and stubborn and hate all things weight-related, I remember that I’m only angry because Im disappointed in myself.

And being disappointed in yourself is one thing that you can always control.

Hate the Hate.

Use it as fuel.
Use it as a wake-up call.

When you are crying and lost and filled with hate and sadness and shame, get out of your head. Wherever you are, do NOT stay there.

When you are tearing yourself apart in the mirror and punishing yourself by staying home from fun things and amazing adventures, get out of your head. Wherever you are, do NOT stay there.

When you are convinced that you are unworthy and unlovable, get out of your head. Wherever you are, do NOT stay there.

When you think of everything you are NOT, figure out everything that you ARE that can help you get there.

Today is not the last day to make a difference.
Today is the next day that counts toward making a difference.

Today is not the deadline.
Today is just another day on the adventure.

You DON’T have to WAIT to be HAPPY until you reach the end.
You are worth it already.
Right now.

Next time you can’t find the motivation to stand up and do what you gotta do to get closer to who/where/what you want to be…. remember the last time you lost faith in yourself… and then IGNITE.

Repost for my own benefit - You're Suffocating! Break Something!

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

I woke up late this morning and it was raining so I couldn't (read 'wouldn't') go for a 5K run but thankfully the only thing I agreed to do today was an AM upper body workout. I nailed it.

May 4 - Do something that makes you feel strong.

45 minute upper body workout
15 minutes of jump-roping
300 anchored situps

A whole wheat bagel thin with lite whipped cream cheese and scallions and tomato
Greek yogurt with honey
Massive Coffee

The Daily Spark asked me this morning if I would trade a year of my life to have the perfect body.

Um.... I'll give it 5.

I'm already three years in. Why not? 

Wasting these years working out, changing how I eat, smelling like a dirty boy and wearing out socks like it's my job? Im already giving away years! So I'd be willing to take 2 more years to continue training my mind to treat my body the way it is supposed to.

But I wouldn't call it wasting it or giving it away.

I call it a fair trade.

emoticonelling words!!

emoticon COURAGE –noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

emoticon FEAR –noun
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

~*~ so apparently courage and fear are both reactions to possible danger or pain or both- yet courage is not possible without fear. Looks like a yin/yang sitch.

emoticon DANGER –noun
1. liability or exposure to harm or injury; risk; peril.

Ok, I get that, totally... but the gym/sidewalk/playground/living
room aren't dangerous and really- if you keep good form, you can mostly avoid injury. I mean, it's all internal and we won't purposefully hurt ourselves. Exercising isn't something illegal we have to do under the cover of night to avoid being hanged publicly. So Bravery in working out is not forced upon us by possibility of physical retribution... then WHY, I ask, must we build ourselves up so much to face it and make it happen?

emoticon EXERTION –noun
1. vigorous action or effort: physical and mental exertion.
2. an effort
3. exercise, as of power or faculties.

Anything vigorous requires mental and physical effort, a strain on the body. A strain on the brain. A strain on a personality that is used to one place or one situation that doesn't often change. A fight back against the familiar.

Why is this scary if it is not fraught with danger?

Because OUR WORLD IS in danger.

The comfortable uncomfortableness, the never-changing dull moratorium on excitement, the grey flat-lining rut of wake up, dismiss workout plans, do what MUST be done, go through the motions, smile, chat, eat, piss, cook, feel guilty, snack, poopoo, chitchat, clean something, ignore reflection, answer the phone, pay a bill, remain silent while friends talk about how fat they think they are in their size 00 pants, go on the internet, avoid real or imagined looks from coworkers, notice tightening of clothing, eat, pee, chase children, chase roommates, practice denial regarding shortness of breath and weakness, argue with SO, kiss SO, cook, eat, have sex, ignore shortness of breath, ignore shame and wobblyness, fall asleep, start over.



Why does that world not want to change? easy.

emoticon You can eat whatever and whenever and wherever you want, without counting calories, worrying about nutrition or caring WHY you are eating. Food isn't fuel in this world, its fun and entertaining and what you do when you are BORED, SAD, STRESSED, ANGRY, SCARED or CELEBRATING.

emoticon Exercise has nothing to do with you. No running and jumping and sweating and soreness and cramping and DOMS and muscles and ligaments and tendons and understanding what all the parts of your body are actually built for. Your body has ONE purpose and one purpose only... your snail shell. You live in your body. It takes you from point A to point B. It's a tupperware for your soul, that's all. Exercise can suck it.

emoticon No special clothes. Oversized tshirts, stretchy pants that ride up your ass, big old sweatshirts, jogging pants, house shoes, good lord I have spent 10 years in those pieces of clothing. They are great because they encourage the comfortable feeling. Hell- you don't really HAVE to fix your hair even when you wear that stuff.. no makeup needed, no reason to care for your skin. I mean, of course, you still brush your teeth, but dressing up your face and hair and fingernails when you are just going to throw on a 3XL tweety bird t-shirt, is just ludicrous. No, it's much nicer to slip into sweet invisible oblivion when you just don't care. because you know... if you cared, all kinds of shiz would start changing and you'd probably start caring about more shiz you'd never thought of, and CHANGE IS BAD.

emoticon The FREEDOM of being exempt from societal and peer pressure. All your friends joining gyms and picking up outside workouts now that spring is here? Must be nice to not have to do that. Everyone talking about Biggest Loser challenges and weight loss bets at work? Must be nice to not have to get on the scale. You don't have to care what other people think of you. You don't have to give two ishes how you are viewed by your peers and the outside world, by your children looking up to you, by your boss counting on your vigorous efforts, by your significant other and the way you look in his eyes. What do they matter? Heck, you don't even judge yourself when you look in the mirror anymore. Food on my face? Nope? Good to go.

emoticon Automatic EXEMPTION from things that you will not admit look fun. No don't bother your mother with that, you take care of it. No she doesn't want to chase you. Nah, your mom won't go on the slide, or throw you in the air. She doesn't want to go dancing with her friends, or play tug-o-war, or go hiking with family friends, or run in a race with her BFF or jump into a pick up game of basketball, or play on her employer's softball league. No one will force you to do these things because they know you won't enjoy them. Awesome.


This world does NOT want to CHANGE!!!

What is the craziest word in the dictionary? Change. Yup. Check this ish out. (im leaving out the ones that are not specific to this- such as exchanging goods in a store and what you get back when you pay with a $20)

emoticon CHANGE –verb
1. to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (YOUR WORLD) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to change one's name; to change one's opinion; to CHANGE THE COURSE OF HISTORY.
2. to transform or CONVERT
3. to SUBSTITUTE another or others for (something better?)
8. to remove and REPLACE
10. to become ALTERED or modified: Colors change if they are exposed to the sun.
11. to become TRANSFORMED or converted
12. to pass gradually into.
13. to make a change
16. (of the moon) to pass from one phase to another.
18. the act or fact of changing; fact of being changed.
19. a transformation or MODIFICATION; alteration: They noticed the change in his facial expression.
20. a variation or deviation: A CHANGE IN THE DAILY ROUTINE.
23. the passing from one place, state, form, or phase to another: a change of seasons; social change.
25. the supplanting of one thing by another. AN OLD LIFE BY A NEW
26. anything that is or may be substituted for another.
37. CHANGE ONE'S MIND, to change one's opinions or intentions.

That's alot of definitions, no? change must be something pretty big. Well what is my world?

emoticon (my) WORLD -noun
-the total circumstances and experience of an individual that make up his life, esp that part of it relating to happiness

OOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooOOH now we are getting somewhere!

YOU HAVE TO CHANGE WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!!! We gotta go back and read all those things about our world currently, and change our mind about what makes us happy.

Instead of eating being an emotional declaration ofwhat we are dealing with, we can decide to make it something beautiful and lovely and refreshing that will fuel us for what we WANT to do, not what we are DEALING with.

Instead of seeing exercise as a punishment, or something that crazy people do for fun, how about realising that they are just using their body for exactly what it was actually built for? Whether you believe in evolution or God's divine plan of creation... either way... your body was NOT EVER DESIGNED TO BE A STATIONARY LUMP OF LAZY ON THE DAMN COUCH. I have to remind myself of this all the time when I get home from work and tell myelf that I deserve to do NOTHING for while because I woke up this morning and did most of what I get paid to do. HOW DUMB. What I DESERVE is a hot shower, a healthy meal and an hour stretching in front of THE KILLING and RAISING HOPE. What I deserve is to reward myself by getting a shot of happy endorphins from working out to get the dust of sitting behind a computer all day the hell off my muscles and bones. Because Exercise is A PART OF LIFE THAT BRINGS HAPPINESS AND AVOIDING IT ENCOURAGES STAGNATION. not sexy or healthy.

We change our mind about our appearance, as well. You don't have to hide behind yards of fabric, a hidden face, hair just out of the way, making sure we don't look anything like beautiful because we don't deserve it. Does your mother think you are beautiful? Your youngest child? Your husband? You? Are you a living breathing loving human being? Then STFU and feel beautiful. Beautiful has nothing to do with the number on the scale. My mother once told me, ok she told me every day, a beautiful woman is very easy to pull off.
-Have healthy hair
-Have soft skin
-Have clean teeth and a genuine smile
-Use kind words
-Smell pretty.

DONE. Add in an exercise routine & the MANDATORY AMOUNT of daily water for flushed cheeks and you have a beautiful, beautiful woman.

Freedom from the expectation to TRY? Ok that's just unbearable to me. Who wants everyone to expect them to fail because we give off that impression. FAIL. next!

Automatic exemption from fun? Really?




What's your decision?

14. The Heart of Compromise

emoticonelling words!

com·pro·mise   [kom-pruh-mahyz] noun, verb,

3. something intermediate between different things

like… I want to lose weight! I don’t want to exercise!
or… I’ll exercise as much as you want me to but I will not change how I eat!

^ require a compromise

Think about all the pain and time you could save yourself with a little bit of give and flexibility.

Bad ideas for compromises…

emoticon I cant drink water, its gross, so I drink diet soda instead.
emoticon I hate vegetables, so I eat them boiled in salt and loads of butter and none of the green ones.
emoticon I never have time to exercise, so I don’t eat on Wednesdays.
emoticon I hate exercising, but I still go to the gym and sit on the bike and watch TV on Level 1.
emoticon I buy fruity candies and treats to stock the house with instead of chocolatey ones.
emoticon I havent been to the gym in 4 months but Im not going to go back until I lose weight because Im scared of what they will think of me after being gone so long unless i look like Ive been still working out… but Im not actually working out, Im gaining weight.


Here are some better ways of compromising, of reaching a balance between your reluctant brain and willing body, or between dragging your body behind your motivated brain…

emoticon I hate drinking water so I try to get in a couple of bottles earlier in the day so I dont have to think about it later, or one in the morning and one in the evening.
emoticon I hate vegetables, so lately I’ve been prowling the produce section and Epicurious looking for new ones or at least new healthy ways to eat them, or ways to combine them with stuff I like, without dumping a ridiculous amount of calories on them.
emoticon I never have time to do a big chunk of exercise, so I make do with 20 minutes in the morning and 30 at night. At least Im consistent and its become a strong habit!
emoticon I buy nuts and fruits, whole grain crackers, hummus, yogurts and stuff for snacks instead of sugary ones which will make me want more unhealthy food. The last thing I need is junk food that makes me crave MORE junk food.
emoticon If I have to eat healthy, so does my family. I care about their bodies and health as if they were part of me. I may want to blow off dinner and order pizza as often as they do, but Im the parent and I have to set a healthy example. We do this together.
emoticon I’ve been too embarassed to go back to the gym since I havent been in a really long time, but I wont beat myself up over it, because I’ve started to embrace what I can accomplish in my livingroom without an audience staring at me.

If you don’t wannnnnnnnnna cook… make a compromise. Cook tonight and eat leftovers tomorrow and Thursday you can order something healthy off a menu.

If you dont wannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnna workout, make a deal with your devil that you can stop after 20 minutes. But if you go longer than 20 minutes, say if you go for… a half hour to an hour even though you only said you had to do 20- then you can spend the same amount of time on the couch doing nothing later.

If you dont wannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnna get out of bed, then you have to stay up later. Workout now or workout later. Sleep now or sleep later.

There is no ‘oh well, I can’t’.
There is no ‘too late’.
There is no ‘too bad’.
There is no giving up a whole day just cause its raining.
There is no giving up a morning’s hard work just so you can have pizza fries.
There is no giving up on an entire month because you missed a week.
There is no surrender just because you woke up late.
There is no surrender because you have the world’s worst PMS.
There is no surrender because you had the most awful fight with your boyfriend.
There is no surrender because you overate all weekend.
There is no surrender because you havent lost weight in months.
There is no surrender because you gained.

There is no surrender… Body or Mind… they make truces and treaties- but never wave the white flag.

13. Get Your Nirvana On

When you are alone and 10 minutes into your workout, when you feel the sweat start sliding down that waterslide we call a spine, when the hair at the back of your neck is getting damp and curling and sticking to your skin, when your heartbeat is matching your pace, when you feel the boombedoom thunder in your chest and your lungs expanding, stretcing your ribcage and you are aware of none of it….

When you’re 20 minutes in and you’ve mentally balanced your checkbook, argued with your kid’s teacher in your imagination, planned out your weekend, griped to yourself about your SO, and youre doing set after set and your muscles are screaming but you are lost in your thoughts…

When you are 30 minutes in and you cant think of anything else superficial to busy your brain with and the sweat is dripping from your nose and you can taste the salt on your lips when you towel off your face….and you’re on autopilot because… without all that clutter of mundane thoughts, there is nothing between you and whatever it was that you were avoiding thinking about….

When you are 45 minutes in and youre drinking water and then…. now that you’ve dealt with the good the bad and the ugly in your brain, then you’re feeling the burn. Cause it doesnt take 3 hours to face the hard stuff, sometimes it just takes 15 honest minutes. Then you’re lighter on your feet. Then you feel your heart pounding away like Zeus’ lightning smiths. Then you feels your ribs spreading. Then you glory in the sweat. Then you have a wide open mind to refill with positivity and forward thinking and actions to take. Then you’ve dealt with the creatures of your mind that keep you up at night, tossing and turning and tortured and twisted and gut-wrenching and guilt and pain and loss and embarassment and regret.

When you’re 60 minutes in and you have forgotten the utter sht feelings and see only what lies ahead, a new future in your control instead of ugliness lurking on the horizon. When you feel your strength and the power in your legs and the reach of your arms. When you lie on your back and stretch your toes in the air and feel your body as a machine, cooling itself down. Coming back together. Mind and body. When you’ve found peace and self-satisfaction and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you did something good for yourself and you can feel it in every muscle fiber, in every aching joint, in every deep cleansing breath, in every shaky reach for your water bottle.

It’s so so unjustly easy to get so wrapped up in our minds with the terrible and the disappointing and the unfair and countless mistakes we make. Its so soooo easy to allow that heaviness to keep us from working out, from working on ourselves, from investing in our happiness.

‘I cant do anything until….’

Has it maybe not dawned on you that the best way to tackle the things that are blocking your brain…. is to strap on some sneakers, grow a pair and face them head on?

You are brave.

We all learned between the ages of 11 and 25 that screaming and whining about not wanting to do the dishes/clean your room/do your homework….takes wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy longer than actually doing those things.

So we can bitch and moan and procrastinate and worry and worry and worry…. Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere. Write that down.

Instead of worrying, pack up all your trivial and soul-crushing worries and take them WITH you to exercise. Go long. Be a problem solver instead of a problem dweller and you will find that you start trusting yourself and your decisions more. You have proof that you actually spend time thinking and weighing options and obstacles before acting…. WHILE improving yourself and maintaining or increasing your health.

Yeah it sucks at first… but then…. then you reach nirvana.

Some people call it a runner’s high…. I call it free therapy.

GO, therefore, and face the ugly. Come out on the other side, dripping with sweat and smiling. I dare you.

Here’s some awesome fitspo…

12. Get A Reputation

I had to wait a little while before doing this one because its harder than most forms of self-motivation to put into practice. Mostly because forming a reputation requires repetition for emphasis, which requires consistency. I consider this advanced self-motivation- for those that are already deep into their habits of moving and shaking. And I wanted to test drive it and see if I could do it.

emoticonelling words!

reputation — noun
1. the estimation in which a person or thing is generally held; opinion
2. a high opinion generally held about a person or thing; esteem
3. notoriety or fame, esp for some specified characteristic

OoooOOOoooohhh…. think about it! For many of us… when are we out among strangers? At work? nah… coworkers. Out with friends? nah…friends are there. Um…. when are we out among strangers… *scritches chin*

Grocery Shopping.
Walking around your neighborhood.

For those of us in small towns, familiar communities and big cities, etc… that’s a LOT of stranger-passing. (maybe this blog is a little more geared toward us city exercisers, but what the hey)

But you start passing them all the time. You run through a neighborhood 6 times in two weeks and you are going to start noticing faniliar faces, know which corner stores and delis and bodegas you can stop and ask the time, or where you can pee or who will let you stop and have some free water. You’re slowly creating a map of your runner’s world.

But reverse that, whoa! Those familiar faces are recognizing you as well. They are starting to notice that girl that jogs past their storefront, or their bench while they play chess, or the guy cycling past past the cafe while they are getting their coffee on the boardwalk… easily three days a week, sometimes four, maybe now and then only once… but Every Week.

How’s that feel?

What kind of reputation would YOU like to have?
What would you like to be KNOWN for?
Recognized for?
Notorious for? 

On the morning of July 19, 2011, I owned my newest reputation. I’m the newest running girl in Park Slope! There are tons of us, too. Running on the shady side of 5th Avenue, both ways. Lungs pumping, sneakers bouncing, breath panting, sweat dripping every where. By tons, I mean like… 4 of us LOL.

I’m learning the secrets of the neighborhood instead of just where to find the prettiest views! There is a man who pushes an actual lemonade stand around. There are these 4 old men who sit with their newspaper in front of the bagel cafe and wave to literally EVERYONE that passes, all morning. There is a lady that squeezes into the bookstore windows to Windex them on Tuesdays and she always makes exasperated faces when I pass and motions to me that we should switch tasks. There is an Arab woman who dresses the mannequins in her alterations shop to look like mermaids. She drapes them with fine gold chains and wisps of greenish and silver silks and taffetas. There are HOT DUDES WALKING DOGS EVERYWHERE. (But im in a relationship with the sidewalk).

I love that all these people are becoming familiar to me, because I know that means Im becoming familiar to them too.

In the best light.
When Im at my best.
When Im an athlete.
When Im a runner.
When I have the wind on my sweaty face.
When I am smiling with freedom.
When Im that girl always on the run, looking for water.
When Im that girl in the purple shoes, that always needs to pee @ 15th Street.
When Im that girl that’s there no matter how hot it is.
When I’m THAT girl, period.

THAT girl is starting to get smiles and waves and thumbs up.
Live time motivation and encouragement.

Yeah, thumbs up to you too Mr McPheely. Might be time to download Sesame Street themes to my iPod.

When you get a reputation, what do you want it to be?
What things would help you get there?
What tools do you need?
How long do you think it will take you to start building it for real?
At the gym?
At the track?
On the sidewalk?

At work?
Among your friends?
Along side of your family?

You get to decide who you are. Who you are on your way to being.

Let your reputation precede you.

DO it for the YOU that is evolving right now.


11. Accept Your Value

We all come into this world naked and screaming and helpless in every single way. No teeth, funky hairdos, covered in goo, peeing on ourselves and trying to eat our own fingers…

You did.
So did Gisele Bundchen and Ryan Reynolds.
So did Kate Middleton and Mister The Rock.
So did Cameron Diaz and Brad Pitt.
So did Britney Spears and Justin TImberlake.
So did I.
So did all the other MFPhuckers.
So did your mom and the rest of your family.

Then what happens?

We learn our ABC’s and 123’s and how to use our imaginations to play and entertain ourselves. We learn social skills on the monkey bars by trial and error. We learn how to connect with people and make friends and recognise the difference between people who want to see other’s do well, and those that like to see people fall on their faces. We learn what real happiness is and what is fake and forced. We learn how to go for what we want and how to settle for less than the best. We learn how to tell the difference between people who build us up and want to see us thriving, and those that just want to have us just own us. The ones that believe in their friends, and the ones that like to get angry and stomp and pout and bully and point and laugh.

Life unrolls before us. The things we experience as we grow up and come into our own are an amazingly unique concoction that is the recipe of who we are. The person we are at 16 is as different from the person we are at 23 and even far more different than who we are by 30. Hell our personality has barely started to solidify by 30. No two humans have lived the exact life story. Our parents are all different, if we even have parents. We all had different experiences in highschool, if we even finished. College changed everyone, if you even went to college. Raise your hand if you didn’t go to college! *raises hand*

Every bit of DNA gook, every cell, every memory, every scar, every freckle, every bruise. Every relationship (whether it lasted forever or changed beyond us) and friendship (whether they stuck to the forever part of BFF or if you grew apart) and work environment, every injury and mental complex and bad day, every birthday party or lack of, every holiday meal, every family celebration, every moment of clarity, every stupid decision all add up to who is sitting at the computer right now.

So why does that mean that YOU are supposed look like that girl walking down your street? Or that other guy lifting more weight than you?
Why does this mean you are supposed to be in the same place in your weight loss progress as me?
Why does this mean that just because you aren’t, you are not worth the effort?

Please tell me what is the reasoning that you listen to, when you tell yourself, “My soul is not good enough for me to invest in? The person I grew up to be is not worth as much as other people. I am not as bright and shiny and necessary and amazing enough to be loved. I am, and always will be, no one. I am and always will have to just do what is expected of me and give up my dreams because Im nt as valuableas the people that get what they want.”


How can that possibly be true when we all got here the same way?
The only way that can be true is if you decide it is true. I swear to God. Literally. If there is a bearded Guy, He totally has my back on this one. If we evolved from particles in space, then we are even MORE equal.

So how do you go from being ‘no one’ to being ‘someone special’? Courage to go against the expected gray norm of obligation and compliance. 

Not easily.
Not overnight.
Not without help.
Not without hard work.
Not without a plan.
Not without fire.
Not tomorrow.
Start today.


Its ok, so does everyone else on earth. Even Emma Watson and Kim Kardashian and Vin Diesel and even Mother Theresa made mistakes. The Queen, the President, the Speaker of the House. Yo momma. Your minister, your best friend. Your children…


*clears throat*

SELF-HATRED DOES NOT = TOUGH LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wait… let me make a graphic. those get people’s attentionay right?

And in order to be able to give yourself an occasional dose of tough love (and accept it and take it like a [wo]man), you have to already love yourself the rest of the time.

O-HO! I made a valid point there didn’t I!

3. What kind of love do I show myself?

Actions speak louder than words, but when it comes to loving yourself, just saying certain things to yourself inside your head count as actions. People think, ugh positive reinforcement blah blah dumb doesnt work stupidity new age good lord what a bunch of idgits…STOP!!! You have to practice saying inside your head, where no one can hear you but yourself anyway, “Im good enough. Im worth it. Im not a mistake. Im not a waste of space. IM NOT HOPELESS.” And if you're like me, and youve tried it already for years and it doesnt work, then try a different way.

Love yourself by doing the things that make you happy. By verbing.

Cause you aren’t worthless. And don’t worry, no one is listening (sometimes not even you mmhmmmmm) so you don’t look like an idgit.

What else?


We spend too much time measuring our value based on what we do to make the lives of people around us easier. You are only worth what you can give someone else. Or make for them. How can you help them improve their situation? Be happier? Feel more confident? Or by how irreplaceable you are. How vitally necessary.


- first of all you have to be all of those things for yourself before they can be true about you in anyone else’s eyes. So stop worrying about what they think of you for a moment and start worrying about what value you have in your own eyes.

What do you do to make your own life better or easier?
What do you give yourself?
Or make for yourself?
How can you help improve your situation?
How can you make yourself happier? More confident?
How unique and irreplaceable and vitally necessary are you to yourself?

If you work on all those things for yourself, then that means once they start becoming more of a part of you… you will be in a much much much better situation to help those you love, care about or that PAY you lol.

If people believe in themselves, it’s amazing what they can accomplish.



emoticon TRUST yourself, then you will know how to love. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (like maybe… sign up for a new scary gym class, like spinning or boxing?)
emoticon Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like ACCOMPLISHMENT. - Thomas Carlyle (like maybe… completing 4 workouts two weeks in a row?)
emoticon The WILL to do comes from the knowledge that WE CAN do. - James Allen (Today I worked out, because I knew I had the ability to do it! There was no doubt!)
emoticon To establish true self-esteem we must CONCENTRATE ON OUR SUCCESSES and forget about the failures and the negatives in our lives.- Denis Waitley (*cough* self-hatred does not equal tough love *cough*)
emoticon Whatever good things we BUILD end up building us!- Jim Rohn. (Build up a streak and watch how that ish affects your confidence. Seriously, having accomplishment under your belt, makes your heart bigger)
emoticon Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on. - Maxwell Maltz (Aren’t you ready to fly in happiness?)
emoticon A person’s worth in this world is estimated according to the value they put on themselves. - Jean De La Bruyere (Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh BUSTED!)
emoticon You are indebted to your imagination for three-fourths of your importance. - David Garrick (oh those idgits that talk themselves up in their heads are possibly right?)
emoticon Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. - Malcolm S. Forbes (Read that one again. If you keep saying, but Im not in shape… you best go look at everything YOU ARE.)

Ok… where do I start?


Start by doing something that you can be legitimately proud of. So you can say, I DID THIS! Me, myself and I! We kicked ass! It feels so good! It feeeeelsssss sooooooo gooooood!!!

No one made you do anything. No one forced you to exercise. But Someone special gets to feel the swell of pride in their heart when they start investing in themselves regularly and reap the guaranteed benefits that come along with doing so.


“My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.” -Oprah

Life is uncharted territory. It reveals its story one moment at a time. I promise your story is not meant to end with you being no one and evading the happiness that is waiting for you.


NSV: My First Vacation Not Hiding From All Things Camera

hursday, April 19, 2012
first time hugging family in about 25 years 

^ please note, I am 5'10" and this guy- my cousin, is about 4 or 5 inches shorter than my little brother.

Taco Surf Happy hour! 

doing my photo girl thing zooming in on the hollywood sign before moving up the hill 

At the Griffith Observatory 

laguna beach/crystal cove looking for seaglass and soaking up the sunshine
I got the most badassedest bruise climbing around those cliffs and rocks that day :D

10. Enlist the Power of Your Imagination

Have you seen this commercial?

Here is a summary of it. It’s the new Lipton Tea commercial where the girl shoplifts a bottle of tea and as she drinks it, she starts turning into water full of leaves and gets a motorcycle?

“Im an intelligent human being and propaganda and advertising tricks don’t work on me.”

^ Resistance

“I’m not gullible enough to believe that tea leaves are going to float around in crystal clear water inside of me and make me a superhero.”

^ Resistance

“You’re crazy if you think that all those bright colors and smiling faces are going to have any kind of impact on me today.”

^ Resistance

All resistance and completely missing the point and the chance to grab something tiny and insignificant as a means of personal motivation.

To be motivated, you must want to be motivated so much that anything can do the trick for you. Kind of like sex. When you're sooooooooooo turned on and you want an orgasm so badly that the slightest touch can set you off? Yeah like that.

But to get your motivation on, sometimes you’ve got to harness the power of your imagination. Use it to show your resistant brain what healthy feels like. In exaggerated and beautiful ways. Get inspired by EVERYTHING instead of nothing. Get inspired by commercials for running shoes, magazine articles about triathlons- even if you cant run a 5k. Get inspired by fashion, by advertisements, by posters, by sheer desire to be motivated by anything hyped up and shoved in your face.

Wake up and stretch in bed.
Imagine the fibers of your muscles each pulling and lengthening and squeezing out the build up of crap from yesterday’s workouts.
Stand up and bend over to touch your toes, feeling your muscles and tendons in your back waking up, tugging your hamstrings, pulling on your neck.
Go pee and weigh yourself.
Take a long drink of water, imagining it filling you up and rinsing out all the crap that gets left behind, swirling around inside you, giving you a pure brand new start to the day.

Imagine your heavy, tired, abused body slowly being replaced by a weightless, crystal clear vessel.
Decide to keep it clean and pure for an entire day, a 24 hour period.
Think of the fresh clean feeling you start the day with and remember it each time you bring something to your mouth.
Be it a Coke.
A cigarette.
A donut.
A box of pasta.
Think about it when you put three servings on your plate and call it one.
Think about it when you dump butter on something.
Think of the quality of the water changing throughout the day.
The candy bar disintegrating in it… ew.
The sugary coca cola syrup darkening it… ew.
The salt and fats of potato chips clumping and clogging it.
Clouding it up, making it murky, making it… not something that should be in a see through crystal clear vessel.

Eating fruits and veggies adds to the quality of what you are filled with. Water, blood, all of it.
Exercising sweats out the negativity and toxins in your guts. Purifying you further.
Imagine lean meats going straight to your muscles, injecting them with highly focused streams of pure protein fuel.
Healthy fats like avocados keeping your joints lubricated.
Regular infusions of clean water, juices, teas all making sure that this hydro-powered mechanical work of art is moving along as it should, evolving in a healthier direction, constantly.
At the end of the night, wash off the outside, to match the inside, and curl back up to sleep and recharge the batteries.


let’s use your imagination in a wholly different way.

Maybe it’s about time you got to know the athlete inside of you.

What’s their name?
What’s their game of choice? The sport that they love most? 
Theyare the person that ‘little kid you’ wanted to be when you grew up.
happy, healthy, active, alive, vibrant.

What do they look like?
What parts of them can you already see in yourself?
What parts of them can you already FEEL in yourself?
Can you see them wearing your skin?
the same freckles in the same places?
The scar on your knee is on their knee.
The dimple in your right cheek is there on them. 
Their frustration with waiting comes out when you are trying to jog across a street and the light wont turn.

Their need to move move move can be felt on those mornings on the weekend when you bounce out of bed and hit up a workout without having to fight with yourself first.
How do they dress for workouts?
What’s their favorite thing to do in the gym now that their inhibitions are gone with the goal weight?
What does their face look like when they is flying along a trail?
Is their smile just like yours, but happier?
What injuries do they have, that you remember getting? 
Do they listen to music in the morning, while eating a beautiful meal for breakfast? 
Do they charge their iPod before bed, so they can have it ready for their morning run?
Can you see her ponytail bouncing as she lunges past you?
Does their strength inspire you?

It should.
You’re the one giving it to them.

Get to know that athlete inside of you, the you that you are intended to be.

Find them.
Name them.
Become best friends with them.
Embrace them.
Lean on them.
Carry them.
Become them.

photos by Micah Camara and graphics by

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