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TOPIC: Incredibly sad

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324926-incredibly-sad

and here: for maximum 'there-there-ness"

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324937-success-story-to-failure 

Okay, so I have not posted on here in a while in terms of a thread. But last year this time I was feeling the same way, but I was a lot smaller than I am now, and now I feel just absolutely sick and ridiculous, I can't be happy. 

 - i think that this is actually an indicator that your happiness or lack of it - isn't related to your weight - since you were smaller last year but felt just as sad.


I see a therapist. Over the winter I put on quite a bit of pounds, and a lot of body fat. I feel so worthless and undesirable as a young woman. I am a musician and cannot be happy or find any confidence in my ugly and terrible repulsive body because it is just ridiculous and so damn stupid.

 Please be aware that DECIDING that you cannot be happy, DECIDING that it is a fact that you cannot find confidence - is setting yourself up for that self-fulfilling prophecy. How we see ourselves has a lot to do with how we speak to ourselves and how we treat ourselves. If we are self-abusive, we will end up like a puppy who grew up being kicked and starved - ready to lash out at anyone or anything, filled with and driven by fear or hatred and mistrust.

Would you treat a child this way? Would you look into the eyes of a little girl and tell her - "you are so worthless and undesireable as a person. You cannot be happy or find confidence in your ugly and terribly repulsive body because it is just ridiculous and so damn stupid." Would you say these things to her? WHY?

 I am thankful to be alive, and to be 'healthy' but I am not content and happy about my condition. I would love to for once be stunned with my growth and progress, but everyday is the same.

You cannot get upset about the results you are not seeing from the work you are not doing. If you are truly thankful to be alive and healthy and have full use of your arms and legs -  then you will be out there living your life to the fullest - not refusing to live just because you aren't 100% happy with the way your outsides are sculpted, especially when you know that it is ENTIRELY within YOUR POWER to change that actual shape. But you have to ADMIT THE TRUTH.

ADMIT THE TRUTH! ADMIT IT! YOU ARE TERRIFIED THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY WORTH THE STUPID EFFING EFFORT, ARENT YOU??? 

I am just so ugly and repulsive and this does not make it better. I know not to say these things about myself but I am fed up and telling the truth. It hinders my truth as a young woman and makes me unable to function well socially and in my personal life. 

You know what hinders your truth as a young woman? Staring into the mirror and repeating the words you have trained yourself to use as tear triggers. Standing there repeating UGLY, REPULSIVE, UGLY, REPULSIVE... this will 100% stunt your social and individual growth. Being obsessed with your outer appearance can make you forget that this is not who you are, what your butt is shaped like is not 'YOUR TRUTH AS A YOUNG WOMAN" and if you admitted to your grandmother that you felt that way - I wonder what she would think that meant? That the rights and privileges that previous generations fought for FOR YOU - mean absolutely NOTHING because you disapprove of your waist and are too sad about your weight to appreciate in this lifetime. 

I believe beauty is who you are as a person not your physical disposition, but I am tired of being so ugly and just disgusting. This stupid body has no strength whatsoever, flab everywhere now, I have a massive back that resembles The Great Wall of China everytime I look at it. 

You say that is what you believe, but you are just saying what society tells you is the acceptable thing to say. What you believe is that the outside is a direct reflection of who you are on the inside. And since you cant WILL yourself to look differently, you're scared that the insides are even worse- otherwise you wouldnt speak to yourself as if you were your own worst enemy.

If you are constantly telling yourself you are ugly and repulsive - it WILL show on the outside - written all over your face where a smile should be - and about 80% of the population knows that language and can see how you feel about yourself.

You also assume that all other people are paying attention to you. That's not the truth. Everyone is paying attention to their own hangups or issues or math problems or daydreams. It isn't about you.

If you hate that your stupid body has not strength, how is that her fault when you never did anything to push her to be strong.

Maybe it's not your body you're so pissed off at and full of hate for - maybe it's you and your mind. 


I know this is a very negative thread but I am coming from a place of sadness, frustration, and depression because of this. I have worried about my weight all my life because people have commented on it. I am a 110-100 pounds smaller than I once was years ago in my early teens but still ugly and repulsive and have not grown mentally with this issue ever. I want to grow, I want to love my body, but it is disgusting. 

You need to continue seeing a therapist. Your body will not even finish growing until you are in your late twenties - so how can you be so obsessed with how you look - that you refuse to do all the good things you know you need to do in order to have a healthy beautiful body somewhere beyond the age of 25? (or do you not plan on existing past the age of 29?)

Your hatred for your barely adult body is like standing over a rosebud screaming I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE A BIG BEAUTIFUL FLOWER AND YOU ARENT. YOU SUCK. YOURE UGLY.

*stomps on flower*

 I have plans for my day, and as an artist this stifles my creativity because all I think about is how hideous and fat I am, and disgusting. I do my best to exercise, more than once a day, because I am desperate to see a change, and no stinking change. Just still ugly and fat. I hate this so much. I see a counselor, and unfortunately, I have not grown from this. I don't want to be this negative sad girl anymore, I want to grow, but I hate what I see. 

Then you have to take action instead of wasting all this time thinking about the fact that you are sad. There are people out there who cannot walk, cannot see or dont expect to live to reach adulthood - and you're over here too sad too enjoy your life, not because you are suffering from depression, but because you are obsessed with your own appearance. it is time to shuffle that obsession to healthier things. You can do it subtley by becoming obsessed with the NEW you. The girl that is addicted to exercise and healthy food - the quirky artist with all the delicious clean beautifully plated little scrumptious meals, who practices yoga to center herself and meditate on her artistic endeavors.

 I am not giving up but I just feel fed up with this it disables me causing me to not progress and consumes me because this is something that holds me back in my life. 

YOU ARE WHAT IS HOLDING YOU BACK.


-EDITED FOR MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF SELF-ABUSE REDUNDANCY-

I would just like some encouragement. 

I just feel to ball my eyes out. I am tired of people telling me I am okay and don't need to lose any weight they are liars and trying to stop me from accomplishing my desires, and think that this ugliness is acceptable. By the way, I am ugly in appearance in general, but me having weight on makes it worse. 

REALLY? Please, instead of contunuing to tell us how repulsive you are - tell us some of the actions you have taken to change your fate.

I can't do this.

 Well.. if that is your decision, then that is what's going to happen.

I just want to be 118-120, and low body fat, strong, fit, healthy, happy, and beautiful. I want to see how different my face looks ( I pray very difference if I slim down, in hopes I will look different) I can't be stuck like this. I've hit a plateau and I want this demon of appearance to stop plaguing me. 

You need to have a balanced regimen of strength, cardio/endurance, rest/flexibility, nutrition and continued therapy, which you should NOT skip until the therapist sets you free. 

I am just looking for some encouragement because I don't have any friends, as this makes me unable to do much. I just obsess over what I eat, exercise, and my looks because it is horrible and causes a lot of problems in my life, as it has for all of my life.

Constantly obsessing over your appearance is a time suck and totally a block to making friends.  New people won't want to make friends with someone who is entirely consumed with what she looks like on the outside. Know who they WILL want to make friends with? Someone who is teaching themselves how to be strong, who is rising above all the obstacles thrown at them, who wants to be a bright shining little star of health, because her insides are so full of light and happiness that she can't help but to SHARE WITH OTHERS. 

If all you think about is yourself, you'll find that you are th eonly thing left in your world. 

 

PEOPLE WHO HOPE FOR CHANGE, HAVE NO HOPE OF CHANGING. 

43 votes + -

21 comments:

Erin_goBrahScience wrote 3 months ago:
The fact that you are banned is a damn shame. the OP should read this.
dapunks wrote 3 months ago:
I really hope she reads this.
aclayne wrote 3 months ago:
I was wondering how long it would take you to post about this. The whole time I was reading her post I was thinking, "Damn, I wish yoovie wasn't banned."
MyChocolateDiet wrote 3 months ago:
I think her therapist needs to step up her game and or refer her out for more specialized methods. I'm hoping my suggestion of an out of the blue phone call to message the therapist that she is not doing well between visits will alert her therapist that she may need more than their current methods.
yoovie wrote 3 months ago:
the therapist that has never said anything to her beyond "You seem depressed"?
KnitOrMiss wrote 3 months ago:
This part kills me:

"I don't like to spend time trackng what I eat on here because I get anxious and obsessive about all of this and it hurts my life. I hate writing a food journal, I hate that I can't just be a normal 21 year old girl and grow because this consumes my thoughts. I have talent and intelligence and ideas, the ability, but this makes me so weak. I want this to stop burdening me."

If she isn't willing to put in the work consistently, she will not make the progress she seeks. But to me, this seems like Body Dysmorphia (or however that is spelled), how one has a distorted body image. This young lady has severe issues and should possibly be treated as an inpatient until whatever chemical imbalances she has are worked out - or her distortion of her body mental image. Not to mention the fact that she needs far, FAR more mental work than physical... So very sad...too bad someone doesn't know her in real life. They could print out and send these posts to her therapist...maybe then they would have a real discussion...
kamaperry wrote 3 months ago:
She needs a new therapist, one that won't pat her on the head.
yoovie wrote 3 months ago:
^ THIS
Cranquistador wrote 3 months ago:
great blog.
Ninkyou wrote 3 months ago:
Well said. 100% agree with everything you wrote.
cindyj7 wrote 3 months ago:
I have really never seen such self hate. I am so sad for her. Your words, as always, ring so true. You have a gift, my dear. <3
amykuh wrote 3 months ago:
In defense of the therapist, we are only getting one side of the story here, and the person telling the story is not the most accurate reporter of the truth.
KnitOrMiss wrote 3 months ago:
@amykuh Very true about the therapist/not knowing both sides of the story, but if this is for real, I worry she might actually take the step and hurt herself. She said herself she's already thought about it... SMH
Alatariel75 wrote 3 months ago:
I don't know you but I find it incredibly sad that you appear to be banned while so many people are out on the forums giving stupid, damaging, enabling, ridiculous responses which just help this OP and so many other continue to wallow.
Mischievous_Rascal wrote 3 months ago:
What would the mods do if we cut and paste the link to this blog on the OP's threads? I believe she should see this.

You, Yoovie, are incredible.
gkeith1971 wrote 3 months ago:
I hope she reads this. Hell...I know quite a few people that should read this because I hear the same crap from them!
Zombieinkpot wrote 3 months ago:
Beautiful post, Yoovie.
lguenter wrote 3 months ago:
Well spoken. Lots of people need to see this.
Anonymous wrote 3 months ago:
Wow!!!! I cannot believe the hate and vitriol being thrown at this OP. This person has some deep-seated, life-threatening issues that will take a tremendous amount of intervention and therapy to heal. Unless any of you are LMHC or have a degree in psychology or pyschiatry, I really don't think you need to be sitting, or rather, seething, in judgment. Tough talk may be your motivator, maybe you need a swift kick in the rear to get going, but to someone who suffered abuse - whether they have clearly stated that or not, you are not privy to ALL of the details - a public berating is exactly what they don't need. This mob mentality makes me sick and sad. I hope the OP has a circle of supporters she can rely on. Thank God for my mfp friends who are there to SUPPORT me, not tear me down.
yoovie wrote 3 months ago:
I think you should reread my posts in a kinder voice, as they were intended. Nowhere did I insult her. Nowhere was I harsh and nowhere did I attack her. She requested encouragement from all types of people and she received feedback from all types as well. As someone who has suffered deeply for a prolonged period of my developing years, I offered my own personal encouragement. Simply because you cannot relate to my experiences, or empathize with my past, does not mean that I am being judgmental. It means the opposite. I was offering real advice for to you when you wanted to wallow in pity.
yoovie wrote 3 months ago:
I mean "the OP" -sorry lol

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