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my husband and his "encouragement"

I'm not really sure what to do with/ how to react to/ how to process my husband's chatter.

Our whole relationship I have been within 10 lbs of where I am today. He did not know me when I was at my heaviest, or even working down to these wavering 10 lbs. I have always gone to they gym and tried to eat sensibly these past 3 years I have been with him. These past 3 years he has also said, on many occasions, that he really wants me to stay around the size I am or become smaller, and not to become that girl I used to be. He once randomly saw a pic of me at my heaviest (210 lbs) and intentionally commented that he didn't want me to look like that again. I really don't think any of it has to do with health reasons either, because he has no idea what healthy is. His whole family have super fast motabolisms, and doesn't get why I can't eat 3 cabbage rolls like the rest of them. He also doesn't understand that people carry weight differently; He tends to throw digs at me (which I'm sure he doesn't realise he is doing) when we are discussing me losing weight, and him gaining weight, saying "Well, I only have my weight in my belly, the rest of me is very slim" (he has a round belly these days, and is actually not in terribly good health, but will not be proactive about getting healthy) ... implying that I am just big all over. He once bet me $5 that we were the same weight... I am 50 lbs less than him... this is not  unnoticeable... and then got all pissy when I won the bet.

Now, I know, some people could be reading this saying he is a jerk. Here is something you have to know about my love. He is honest. Very honest. Too honest. With everyone, not just me. Also, I am a sensitive person. ESPECIALLY when it comes to my weight (I have been made fun of almost my whole life, up until about 5 years ago. So... I'm dealing with things)

Today he was looking at the Chive, at before and after pictures of  women who have lost weight. He started chattering again about it. He said "oh, honey, I'm just looking at the chive here, and you should look at these girls. I think it would be good for you to look at them" I asked why. He said "well, they've lost lots of weight, and see how good they look?" I said, "ok... why do I have to look at them, exactly?" He got this look on his face, and said "oh, I just wanted to let  you know you are doing really well! You're doing great, keep it up!"

 How do I take this?!?! I was finally starting to feel really good about myself, and here he is bringing me down a peg. I interpreted our interaction as him saying "look, this is what you could look like... you're almost there, but not perfect, yet." and just an fyi, many of the pics I saw were of women who are probably around my size or maybe a size or two smaller. My body fat is going down all the time. I am now 27%, and my belly is pretty trim. Most of my weight is in my thighs, and there isn't much I can do about that. I have NEVER wanted to be healthy or have a certain body shape because of any man, including my husband; I do this for me. But how can I not let him make me feel so awful about myself? 

I feel like I am pretty much there, but regardless of where I am, he should love me no matter what. I love him no matter what, and he knows that.

Please tell me... Am I the one with the problem? Or is he the one with the problem?

Another Brownie Badge

Mom... oh mom. She really is great. She drives me nuts, and can embarrass me at times (I'm sure she'll comment on my spelling if she reads this... SORRY MOM!), but she really is the best woman I know. I have been told by many people that amongst other reasons, they just love her because she is absolutely honest when asked a question, and even times when not asked (or is that just my experience?).

I spent much of today with the lovely Bar. I went over to her house around 9 am to help her turf my step-dad's junk into the dumpster - no there is no vendeta I am aware of. He's just on vacation and has too much crap... so maybe she is a little evil - and ate a bit of breakfast before I got there. I needed more to eat to start my day off right, so I raided her fridge and had some chicken. About 2 and a half hours later, I made us some lunch. I quickly ran to the gym for an hour, came back and ate a few bites of pasta (litterally, maybe 3 bites of plain pasta she had preped for dinner), and finished off the 1/4 of a protein shake I had sitting in my fridge for a day. I ran some junk down to the Value Village for her, came home and made us some proscuitto with melon as a snack. While I was making said snack, mommy dearest was snoozing away in her bedroom. I woke her up and handed her the plate and said, "EAT UP, MA!"... she then said to me "DO YOU EVER STOP EATING?!?!?" I replied with a very confident "Nope" and continued to chow down.

Reflecting on that very short interaction, I realized, this is the first time I have ever not been ashamed of my eating when questioned about it. Growing up my mom always tried to help me and encourage me, but I never took it that way. I always thought she was coming down on me, which made me feel awful about myself. Today I felt nothing of that, and to be perfectly honest, it is kind of a weird feeling. I am proud of my eatng habits, and my choices now. I am proud to say I can snack and not hide it. I am proud to say I know what I'm doing. A lot of that comes from the support I find here on MFP; not necessarily asking for support, but when I read about what others are doing, and how confident they are, and how great they are eating. I feel like I'm doing it right, and sticking to it for the first time in my life.

So agian, thanks to all you MFP folks who keep trucking along and inspiring me, and thanks to my Momma for being you. I finally have a little confidence, and a little pride. Yay for me :)

Today is my new start

I have been struggling, and I don't like it.

I haven't gained, but I am not happy about where I'm at. I hate that I feel so awful about how much I ate last night. There was no reason for me to have had 2 dinners. Others who ate before the party simply refused more food. Not me. I was being "polite", and even then, it should really have only been a hot dog, and a cob of corn... but it ended up being so much more.

I was disappointed after I had my body fat measured at the gym yesterday and was at 27%. I really thought I was in a healthy range. Even my goal is too high for me, apparently. I didn't expect it to be 20%, but I really did think it would have been lower.


Today, I am making up for my slacking. I wanted to be at my goal by my 30th birthday. 36 days to lose 5-7 lbs (depending on the day) seemed doable. 36 days to lose 8-10 lbs seems so much harder.

I must push through these thoughts. I must keep going, and work for it. No more of these 3 day free-for-alls.  I have stumbled too much lately. I'm over it. 

I did WHAT?!?

About 4 months ago my trainer (Mike) had me bench press a bar... yes, a bar. How did I do? In a word, pathetic. I pushed, and squirmed, and whined, and kicked, and at the end of my first set, I couldn't move it anywhere. He made me suffer through 2 more sets, and laughed at me the entire time. He then told me it was 45 pounds. I was mortified. He then told me (in fewer words) that he never wanted to hear me complain like that again. I was even more mortified, as I typically do not complain or whine at the gym. I fancy myself a bit of a tough chick, you see.

 About a month and a half ago I told Mike that I wanted to start this program that all these other tough chicks on MFP were doing... "something called lifting heaving for women... or something... I don't know". He looked it up on his phone, got the general idea and thought it was brilliant! This program of course was New Rules for Lifting. Though I do not follow the program, he and I discussed what was necessary for me based on his knowledge of weight lifting (just to clarify for any of my friends who look at my diary, most days I ignore what he tells me about food. Why? Because I can't be bothered listening to him... yes, yes, I know I should! I'm just being honest).

 Today, I was at the gym and he had me lift a bar... yes, a bar. I did it. He then added 5 lbs to each side, making the bar 55 lbs. I did it. He then added another 5 lbs to each side, making the bar 65 lbs. I did it. NO, SERIOUSLY, I JUST BENCH PRESSED 65 LBS! OK, maybe this is not a huge deal... but it is a HUGE DEAL! I did not squirm, whine, or kick. The last set was rough, but I totally did it! Yes I did.

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