The living years- Adults and parents and role change
I wasn’t a bad child, and they weren’t bad parents.
I love them dearly, truly I do. But have you ever felt you were a puzzle piece that didn’t go?
I felt like that my entire life. And I feel like it even more as an adult. I think they feel it as well.
The truth is I’m not a good communicator. I try, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not. What do you do when a bunch of grown up’s really having nothing in common? Talking is like pulling teeth. Not just for them, but for myself as well. What is there to say?
I’m kind of a worker bee. I just work and live my life and take care of my family and do this all as efficiently as possible. I really don’t feel the need to discuss this.
My parents much the same; my mother only calls to complain I never call, my dad only calls when he’s drunk and wants to complain I never call. I do call, and I’m given quick excuses as to why they can’t stay on the line.
So I’m at a place where I don’t know what to do. The worst part about this is, as friendly and funny and happy as I am once I am hurt to the core it’s hard to break through to me. And I’m beyond there. I was there two years ago before Landon moved here. When my parents said they would not attend our wedding or support it if Landon was not living here. And well that hurt.
I thought perhaps once he moved here things might change. Maybe they would be excited. But they weren’t. I don’t care they don’t want to financially contribute. I get that this is the second go around. I get that maybe they don’t care.
But can’t they try? I can’t discuss this with them as I wish I could. Because at this point, with two years of them not caring. At this point with two years of wondering if they would show up or not…
Anything that came out of my mouth would come out like a black demon cloud of ugly venomous hurt.
It’s not just the wedding, though that’s a huge thing for me. I don’t know if want my father to walk me down the aisle.
That’s how hurt I am. I don’t want a father daughter dance. That’s how hurt I am. I can’t even hide it.
They tell me I must not have any room for them in my life. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
They just don’t seem to have any interest at all in what my life is.
I hate passive aggressive and I do all I can to make certain that this isn’t me. But sometimes I have to follow their lead.
I can’t always be assertive with my broken heart just flying around in the air open and exposed.
When you send a card and call and Father’s Day and not only does the call go straight to voice mail but you don’t get a call back, that’s hurtful.
I don’t feel I “need” them as I don’t feel I “need” anybody. But I love the hell out of them and I miss them and I wish that it didn’t all have to be so hard.
I wish I didn’t constantly have to defend myself for the same behavior they display.
And suddenly in writing this I was reminded of something. A song; Mike and the mechanics- The Living Years.
This is a song that I remember my own father talking about twenty years ago. This is a song my own father told me about when he was having a hard time with HIS father.
And with all the writing I’ve written so far before that stupid song realization nothing changes.
I still hurt. I’m still upset with them and their general hypocrisy. I’m hurt they want to be part of my life but have no interest in my life. And why things that should never be weird get weird, I just don’t know.
“Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye”