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The living years- Adults and parents and role change

I wasn’t a bad child, and they weren’t bad parents.

I love them dearly, truly I do. But have you ever felt you were a puzzle piece that didn’t go?

 I felt like that my entire life. And I feel like it even more as an adult. I think they feel it as well.

The truth is I’m not a good communicator. I try, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not. What do you do when a bunch of grown up’s really having nothing in common? Talking is like pulling teeth. Not just for them, but for myself as well. What is there to say?

I’m kind of a worker bee. I just work and live my life and take care of my family and do this all as efficiently as possible. I really don’t feel the need to discuss this.

My parents much the same; my mother only calls to complain I never call, my dad only calls when he’s drunk and wants to complain I never call. I do call, and I’m given quick excuses as to why they can’t stay on the line.

So I’m at a place where I don’t know what to do. The worst part about this is, as friendly and funny and happy as I am once I am hurt to the core it’s hard to break through to me. And I’m beyond there. I was there two years ago before Landon moved here. When my parents said they would not attend our wedding or support it if Landon was not living here. And well that hurt.


I thought perhaps once he moved here things might change. Maybe they would be excited. But they weren’t. I don’t care they don’t want to financially contribute. I get that this is the second go around. I get that maybe they don’t care.

But can’t they try? I can’t discuss this with them as I wish I could. Because at this point, with two years of them not caring. At this point with two years of wondering if they would show up or not…

Anything that came out of my mouth would come out like a black demon cloud of ugly venomous hurt.

It’s not just the wedding, though that’s a huge thing for me. I don’t know if want my father to walk me down the aisle.

That’s how hurt I am. I don’t want a father daughter dance. That’s how hurt I am. I can’t even hide it.

They tell me I must not have any room for them in my life. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

 They just don’t seem to have any interest at all in what my life is.

I hate passive aggressive and I do all I can to make certain that this isn’t me. But sometimes I have to follow their lead.

 I can’t always be assertive with my broken heart just flying around in the air open and exposed.

When you send a card and call and Father’s Day and not only does the call go straight to voice mail but you don’t get a call back, that’s hurtful.

I don’t feel I “need” them as I don’t feel I “need” anybody. But I love the hell out of them and I miss them and I wish that it didn’t all have to be so hard.

I wish I didn’t constantly have to defend myself for the same behavior they display.

 

And suddenly in writing this I was reminded of something. A song; Mike and the mechanics- The Living Years.

This is a song that I remember my own father talking about twenty years ago. This is a song my own father told me about when he was having a hard time with HIS father.
And with all the writing I’ve written so far before that stupid song realization nothing changes.

 I still hurt. I’m still upset with them and their general hypocrisy. I’m hurt they want to be part of my life but have no interest in my life.  And why things that should never be weird get weird, I just don’t know.

 Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye”


 

17 votes + -

20 comments:

danasings wrote 1 month ago:
I wish I had the right words. I love that song. (((Hugs)))
BrettPGH_ wrote 1 month ago:
I feel you, I've always been the odd one out in my family. But yours almost seems to intentionally try to hurt you. My advice: get it out. Just get mad and yell and tell them every bit of pain you keep inside. They're your family. If they can hear all that and still not bring themselves to care you can move on knowing you tried your best. Hopefully it'd be a shock and they'd see just how they've made you feel. No matter what, you've made your own family, the one you've chosen. That's what counts.
CallMeCupcakeDammit wrote 1 month ago:
I agree with Brett. I hope they're just oblivious to what they're doing, and letting it out wakes them up. I'm sorry they're making you feel this way. {{{hugs}}}
MB_Positif wrote 1 month ago:
I wish I had some good advice, but I don't. I have some similar issues with my family, but not quite as extreme. Between my sister being more needy than me and living closer to them I do get the odd man out treatment. Hugs
BrainyBurro wrote 1 month ago:
print out this blog. mail it to them.
Music_is_my_soul wrote 1 month ago:
Absolutely LOVE that song! I'm with Brett on this one honey. I have a story to share with you that I will do in PM. Just cause its longer than I thought
_gypsyrunner_ wrote 1 month ago:
There comes a time in all our lives when we realize, although we are a family, we are all different people. We have to make the best of the time we have together, but surround ourselves with people that love, support and mesh with the person we are today. In a perfect world, that would be our families. Sadly, it isn't always. You are coming to that place. I hope you get what you want and need. I know it's especially hard when something as special as your wedding is approaching. ♥♥
calibriintx wrote 1 month ago:
I'm sorry, love. I find that putting it in writing helps me, and the person I'm addressing.
suziepoo1984 wrote 1 month ago:
I am so sorry you are so hurt Angela :( Family means everything to me, so i can understand. I am so close to my family and worry so much about them that sometimes i wish i was more independent and enjoyed living my life for myself.
Hugs and lots of love to you. Hope you figure something out <3
lguenter wrote 1 month ago:
I feel your pain. I know it doesn't make you feel better, but you are not alone. My father refused to attend either of my weddings. I have always felt like the black sheep in my family. After I graduated high school, my parents had a family portrait taken and didn't invite me to be in it. My relationship with my own kids is strained because I don't know how to have a relationship with them and I've never been able to figure it out. At 51, you would think I would be used to it. But I'm not. There are no family gatherings for me unless I insinuate myself into them. Parent-child relationships are hard and I marvel at those people who do it with ease...like they were born with genes that not everyone gets.
SBCcountrygirl wrote 1 month ago:
I have pretty much the same issue in my family. they only want to talk to me when they need something and then got mad when I moved 1500 miles away cause they wouldn't get to see the kids. well guess what we lived within 20 miles or less of everyone and they never came to our house for a visit. or if they did they never stayed longer than 15 minutes at a time. sorry but that isn't family. sometime we have to realize its better to cut them out of our lives than to keep getting hurt by them and letting it hurt our kids or future kids. live your life to make yourself happy if they can't be happy for you then it is on them not you!
SBCcountrygirl wrote 1 month ago:
I have pretty much the same issue in my family. they only want to talk to me when they need something and then got mad when I moved 1500 miles away cause they wouldn't get to see the kids. well guess what we lived within 20 miles or less of everyone and they never came to our house for a visit. or if they did they never stayed longer than 15 minutes at a time. sorry but that isn't family. sometime we have to realize its better to cut them out of our lives than to keep getting hurt by them and letting it hurt our kids or future kids. live your life to make yourself happy if they can't be happy for you then it is on them not you!
dogluvr_2014 wrote 1 month ago:
I am so sorry for your pain and I wish I had all the right answers to give you but I don't. What I can say is that family is hard and that no matter how much you try sometimes it's still a mess. The one thing I can say is that speaking as a person who's parents have both passed away is that do what you can now while they are still here. If speaking to them doesn't work them maybe writing something to them will.. but maybe not either way. You may just have to learn to forgive them for not being able to be what you need. Either way it's just hard. It would be easy if you just didn't love them and then you could move on but obviously you do love them a lot. With my own parents I now realize that the things they did or didn't do that ended up hurting me really had nothing to do with them not loving me. I know now they both loved me with all their hearts but they were each victims of dysfunction from their families just as I was a victim of mine. In no way is it ever fair but at some point we just have to decide to break the cycle. Growing up my Mom could never say I love you to me and it used to break my heart. I thought I must be unworthy of being loved but before she passed I learned of how her mother treated her and came to realize that it was difficult for her to give me something that she had never gotten from her own mother. My Mom passed away in my home and she left this life knowing I loved her with all my heart and I know that she loved me too and because of that I am able to forgive both my parents for everything. I am betting that your parents love you so much more than you know even if they might not show it so much of the time. I hope that somehow this all works out for you but either way I wish you all the best.
chubby_checkers wrote 1 month ago:
I don't have any advice, but I feel like you were writing about the relationship I have with my parents. Nothing in common, nothing to talk about, and bad communication skills all around. They want to be involved but judge the way I live. So, here's some random internet support and I hope you're able to find a way to communicate effectively with them.
27Snider wrote 1 month ago:
Live your life. Love your parents, as you do and if they show up good and if they don't, sucks to be them. Really, do waste time by expectations. Invite your Dad to walk you down the isle and dance and if he doesn't show up, sucks to be him. God shows us that love suffers and is painful. Be gentle, kind and loving. Send those cards, makes those calls and don't expect anything from them. You are nice and they are not. Sucks to be them.
27Snider wrote 1 month ago:
I did not mean do waste time by expectations. LOL. What I meant to say is, Do not waste your time with expectations....
heronh wrote 1 month ago:
I feel for you.. Hugs. Maybe they are not good communicators as well. Maybe by complaining is the only way they know how to tell you that they want to be somewhat involve in your life? Maybe by not accepting Landon is because they are afraid that he might break your heart? I don't know them and I don't know you but you should tell them how you feel. Start with something small. For example about the Father's day incident, ask in a normal tone "hey I called you how come you didn't call me back? I was really bummed about that."
They could really be that oblivious to your feelings.
I hope things will get better for you
krazyforyou wrote 1 month ago:
Tell them, scream and shout if you must, but tell them. Its never to late to try and reach out. Because there will come a day when they will need you. And if this doesn't change there will be no one. At least if you try maybe it will give you peace.
krazyforyou wrote 1 month ago:
Tell them, scream and shout if you must, but tell them. Its never to late to try and reach out. Because there will come a day when they will need you. And if this doesn't change there will be no one. At least if you try maybe it will give you peace.
texasgal22 wrote 1 month ago:
I'd say you walk to the beat of a different drum as I do. And there is nothing wrong with that or you. When in doubt, look up. Your heavenly Father is listening.

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