I'm too harsh on myself. Too critical, too demanding, too negative, too rough.

Why can't I just notice how far I've come? Why, when people pay compliments, do I immediately search for something self-deprecating with which to retort? It's like the fat girl that exists in the mirror (and through my eyes only) is smirking at my self-consciousness while she nibbles on some nuggets. 

Enough of you.

Look at everything I've accomplished in just short of a year. I've not only maintained a gym membership, but I actually GO to the gym... like every day. I took charge of my health and hired a personal trainer because I knew I was not strong enough nor motivated enough to go at this alone. I conquered my fear of spin class. I purchased a road bike in order to take my newfound enjoyment of cycling outdoors. I went from the girl who ran only if being chased to being the girl that trained for and completed her first 5K (Color Run!) in July. I've run three more 5K+'s since then and don't even blink an eye at a four mile run.I dominate any circuit my trainer throws at me. I have muscle definition. I can hold my own in the weight room with the boys. I'm 85 pounds lighter and 7 pant sizes smaller. I've taken my body fat percentage from the obese level to the average (and maybe even fitness by this point) level. I think I've actually served as a motivation and inspiration to others. 

All of those accomplishments and I'm letting little fitness pitfalls deter me? That just can't happen anymore. This process cannot be measured in setbacks. The number on the scale neither negates nor proves my fitness-related success. It has nothing to do with the person that I am. Sure, the numbers won't always move in the right direction and some days I may feel stronger than others. But hey... that's how the cookie rice cake crumbles. What matters is that I keep picking myself up and getting back on track after each setback... that I recall my triumphs and keep those at the forefront of my mind.. that I keep pushing forward, no matter how small of steps I'm taking. 

On the cool-down track for spin class, one of the instructors advises us to reflect back on something that we could do better in class next time, whether it's harder resistance, faster speed, better form... and make a promise to ourselves to work on that next time. Although I've always appreciated the sentiment, truth be told, I've never really done it. But here it goes in a context outside of the spin studio: I need to work on using kinder words to myself. I need to be more appreciative of where I'm at and how far I've come to get here. I need to understand that I have taken my body on a complete overhaul in the past 12 months, and I've come farther than many can only wish for.  I need to contemplate why "125" is the golden number. Because someone else said so? Because that is someone else's number? Because it just sounds nice? I need to let go of the number and just focus on being better, faster, and stronger. 

The number shouldn't mean anything anymore. What means something is that I'm here. I made the decision to change my life and I've done that. I'm a success story. That's something to be proud of. So that's what I'm going to be.