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Why losing weight is scary

I just realized I haven't added anything to this blog since three days before my sister died...it's been a long road since then. Long, unfair, and f***ing difficult as hell. 

But anyway. Just need to get some thoughts out. I was looking in the mirror a few days ago in Boise, because being in a different house with different mirrors -- full-length mirrors, at that -- really helped me see where I've made huge strides. I actually see a fitter girl now. I can physically see a skinny girl coming together. And you would think that would make me feel overjoyed, freaking amazing, ready to run a marathon because I'm so excited by the prospect of finally being where I've always wanted to be. And to a certain extent it does, but there's another part that looms saying that prospect is scary. Terrifying, even, because of one thing.

 I don't know how to BE a skinny girl.

And that sounds weird to say. There shouldn't be and isn't really a way of "being" a skinny girl or a fat girl. You just develop your personality the way you develop it, and for some that means different things than for others. But the thing is, I don't remember a time when I wasn't overweight. I started gaining a lot of weight when I was about 12, and went up and down throughout the next 10 years of my life. I got used to being the fat friend, the fat classmate, the fat family member.

And those weren't all necessarily negative roles to me, I just adapted to them. I learned to accept the fact that I would never fit into clothes at Wet Seal, where my 4'11", 95-pound friend could shop, or any of my other naturally skinny friends. I learned to accept that I wouldn't get hit on at the water park or restaurants, or get asked to dances. That's just how it was. I had pretty good friends who accepted me the way I was, a family that loved me the way I was, so why be that invested in changing it? Too much work. 

But my personality developed around those roles. I learned to use sarcasm, self-deprecation and dry wit to gain people's affection, making them laugh. I learned nuanced details about friends that others didn't take the time to do, and I was always, ALWAYS there for them. I learned to seek out the misfits like I felt I was, and let annoyance and jealousy take over when it came to the girls I secretly wanted to be more like. I learned to dislike them for their popularity with boys, for the way their clothes would always look better than mine, for the bikinis they wore all summer. I would never be those girls, so I might as well hate them (though hate is a strong word...I just strongly disliked them).

But now I'm faced with the prospect of being one of them, and I have no idea what that means. I find I don't know how to shop for my body anymore, because it's so different, but not yet where I want it to be. I don't need to shop exclusively for shirts that don't show my stomach. I don't need to compensate with my boobs so much. I don't have to shy away from tank tops and tube tops and shorts as much anymore. But that isn't how I've ever dressed my body, so it's all completely foreign. How much can I show off without being at goal weight? Will I ever feel okay wearing a bikini? How short of shorts are too short? Will people think I'm slutty, like I used to think of some of those girls? God, I was a judgmental little jerk. How can I not feel like a hypocrite if I turn to this lifestyle?

I know I'm overthinking it all. I know that it's not about all of this...it's about being healthier, happier, more confident. And all of those things are happening. But the tangential feelings still matter, and they're still scary as hell. It's like getting to know yourself all over again. 

But at least, so far, I like the new me. That's a positive step as well. 

Obstacle course

Life comes at you with all its force sometimes to try to make sure you fail at what you're attempting to do.

 Struggling with money results in not being able to buy healthy foods, boyfriend coming back after a month of absence equals less time I want to work out,  and only being able to see him on dinner breaks from work for the most part equals us going out way more often than is necessary. Which circles back to struggling with money. 

 It feels like once I get one thing in order with my life, another problem pops up, kind of like that stupid gopher game. Once you slam one back in, another one jumps out. Why can't they all just stay down for a while so I can focus on one thing at a time?

 Not having school this semester will either help or hurt me. It's more time to work out, but also more time to make excuses for not working out. I have to get myself away from the notion that working out after work (around 10-11 p.m.) won't hurt me, it will help me, no matter how tired I am. I have to remind myself that getting up at 6:30 a.m. for cycling is worth it because it burns almost 500 calories in 50 minutes and it's done for the day. 

I have to remind myself that buying food for the next week might cost a lot at the moment, but $6-8 per meal per day costs a whole lot more before payday.

 It can be soooo frustrating to know that you were once where you want to be right now, and going through all that work again just sounds so daunting. Because the thing is, when I was 165, I still felt like I was 200 pounds. But my mental health is so much better, and I regret taking that weight for granted and letting it all go. I'm so mad at myself for letting it all get to this point when I had done so well. And I so desperately want the way I look on the outside to reflect the way I feel on the inside. Right now, it really, really doesn't.

Keeping on :/

This is always the part where I have to hang on for dear life.

 It's like two weeks into really being serious about things, and I feel nothing but impatience. I'm not tempted to binge or anything, but I do feel tempted to quit trying when I don't see results as fast as I want to.

 But there are things I'm happy about. I found a sport I enjoy -- swimming. I fit better into my jeans. But not as much as I'd like. How do you control these emotions? I'm doing twice or even three times more exercise than I was a month ago, so I feel like the pounds should be melting off. I don't snack anymore, or have the urge to snack. I stay within or under my calorie limit, though I do eat back some exercise calories. 

And that's the thing. In the past, I've tried to go all out, hardcore, and I end up feeling exhausted and give up quickly. This time I'm trying to go steady and make it a lifestyle change rather than crazypants hardcore mode, but it's sooo hard to be patient with myself.

But, I'm still going running and swimming in the morning.  

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