I went bathing suit shopping for the 2 past days and have come up with NOTHING other than a bruised ego and some overall hatred. So get ready. Crazy rant coming. I apologize in advance for getting verbally abusive and slightly vulgar.
Ok where do I start? For all those blessed with tight bodies without an inch of fat, cellulite or loose skin, please do not read this and just walk away now before someone gets hurt. If you are like me and have some sort of jiggly bits (be it boobs, thighs, tummy, butt, etc) you understand that a thin, cheap piece of stretch nylon is just not going to work. It clings to every dimple and bulge creating a hideous look and that is before it even gets wet!!! Once you are wet this cheap, crappy fabric becomes shrink wrap that vacuum seals on your ass. My post baby, rolly stomach looking like a pack of Oscar Meyer wieners all sealed up and ready for purchase. Oh and the boobs!! News flash! If the material is that thin you need some real lining for the tatas. If not, guess what? Someone’s boobs are going to look like a fembot’s rack (ie nipples that could cut glass when going into cool water or when just a stiff breeze comes along).
So you might be thinking, there are bathing suits that are made out of thicker material and have a little nip padding like Miracle Suit. Yes!! These are great ideas; HOWEVER, most of these suits are geared to the over 60 set and often have some sort of skirt attached. Now I am all for the retro swim skirt look but not the retirement community, swim dress that look like costumes for dancing hippos in Fantasia. Not a good look. I will give Miracle Suit credit though. They have upped their game and come out with some nice ruched numbers that look like classy, flattering suits not the Hawaiian print horrors of yesteryear.
Spanx has also gotten smart and started making swim wear. Brilliant! This doesn’t work for me though. I have something called boobs, real ones, real big ones. And those built in, crappy shelf ‘bras’ (ie band of elastic sewn into the front) doesn’t cut it for girls that are over a D cup (not even their DD lines). Well I take that back, maybe it would work for fake D+ boobs that defy gravity but for the old fashioned, god given, D+ fun bags it’s not going to cut it. Maybe it’s just me but I need some tummy control and a top that fits and supports.
So you might be thinking, wait there are bathing suits that are bra cup – sized for the ladies with more than just a handful (Panache, Fantasie, etc). Indeed and that was what I was going to try today. I was willing to give up a little tummy control for a swimsuit that didn’t make my boobs look like sagging grandma tits. Hell I would suck in my skin flap all day if it meant I would have great cleavage. HAHAHA! Wrong. Just because it fits (and covers) doesn’t mean it looks good (sort of like the quote “just because it zips, doesn’t mean in fits”). Once again, thin stretchy material with no real support doesn’t do well for my bodacious tatas. Most suits I tried one just made me think “Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?.....” An underwire isn’t helpful if your boob just flops over it. Just sayin’
So I left defeated and angry. Why, oh why can’t a bathing suit company come up with a nice suit that it supportive all over for a larger busted gal? I would pay some serious cash for that. Oh wait!! There was one company that finally figured it out. Ballet Swimwear was AWESOME for me. Bra sized moulded cups for shape and support, higher waists and ruching on the bikini bottoms and built in tummy control in the 1 pieces. All looking acceptably youthful. It was AMAZING!!! I had 2 of their suits when I was heavier and they were the best. Yeah…don’t know what happened there but I think most, if not all, of their swimwear has been discontinued since not even their website (Ballet is a lingerie company) mentions swimwear. Sigh. Maybe next year. Now I am off to scour eBay in hopes of finding said elusive Ballet swimsuit.
Posted on 7/07/2011 by jennieodwyer