Developing an Eating Disorder?!
One thing that I have going for me is the fact that I have amazing motivation and willpower.. but on the otherside of that, I'm lazy. I'm a gamer (obviously) and will literally sit at my computer for hours on end playing MMOs and RPGs, RTSs and MOBAs. I signed up for a no-contract gym in case I lose the motivation, but I know I need to go and I'm just always too preoccupied. The problem with my desire to lose weight is that I often beat myself up after I've cheated. I make myself feel horrible, and I can't stop.
I was eating only 850 calories per day. 8 when I didn't go to the gym, 850 when I did. While there, I would burn 300-400 calories.. leaving my after workout intake of ~400. I started to get incessant headaches, eventually my appetite just went away (I saw it as a good sign.. it was NOT), I wasn't thirsty anymore, I was losing about a pound per day but I felt terrible. My boyfriend sat me down and told me that this wasn't dieting.. it was starvation. Unfortunately I did this for about 11 weeks, which formed a habit and I was afraid that I was developing an eating disorder. He helps to make sure that I'm eating 1200 calories (at least) per day, and exercising 3-4 days per week, but I haven't been doing it long enough to see any results from it. In my head, I'm thinking 'how the hell am I going to lose weight eating THIS much? I'm not even hungry!'
I know a lot about losing weight the healthy way, but I was so tired of being stuck in this body, and fell into (what I think is) the mildest form of anorexia. What's interesting about this, is that I think my mom and sister suffer from it too. Is this hereditary?
When I hear someone call me an 'anorexic', my immediate response is 'Do I look like an anorexic to you?' But I feel like I'm developing something.. and the depression isn't helping.
Ugh.. needed this rant.