The Bee Blog

I did mention, earlier this week, that I might have some good news.  Well, I have!  Let's start, though, with the new goods.  I was in desperate need of some new clothing.  Even my skinny jeans were starting to fall down, which prompted my husband to actually insist upon taking me shopping.  This, ladies, and gents, is about as common as hot pink squirrels doing the tango on rollerskates.  I was, obviously, slightly excited.  There was, however, another reason for me to need clothing.  Note the new suit:

Yes, that's me.  In a suit.  Am I as uncomfortable as I look?  Yes.  I hate suits, but it's for a good cause.  Really, I'm a jeans and t-shirts kind of girl.  I am in awe of my husband's talent for making the most simple photo turn out blurry.  The cat would've done a better job of it, if I had dangled a chocolate hobnob over her head.

Nothing fancy, of course.  Jeans and pink tank (they call it a vest in the UK) from New Look, both size 10.  The jeans were a squeeze but my husband, for some reason, was very enthusiastic about the fact that they "fit perfectly" and I should buy those and definitely not try on a bigger size.  Odd, that.  I still feel pretty funny in them.  The shirt is from Next and I bought the same one in light pink.  I also bought a pretty, purple t-shirt from Next, but it was a last-minute decision and it makes me look chubbier, so I am taking it back, and a pretty crocheted black top from New Look (a small!) but I noticed, when I got it home, that it's unravelling, so it's going back too.  I was in such a delirium from all the shopping that I wasn't paying close enough attention.

Haha, I told my husband to say something funny and then realised my mistake.  He is the pun king, but they are all groaners.

As for the changes, I am re-evaluating my relationship with food this week.  Try and ignore my diary for the next, well, month, possibly.  I will keep it open, but it might not always be pretty.  I will try and make this as short as possible:

All my life, my relationship with food has been a bad one.  As a child, I always felt hungry, no matter what, and I ate a lot of doritos/pizza/chocolate/junk.  At the age of 8, I got fat and was overweight, bordering on obese all through school.  I hated myself for eating the way I did, but I kept doing it.  I was hypoglycemic, with dangerously low blood sugar, and I used that as an excuse to eat Snickers bars for breakfast.  Smart, huh?  I still have issues with sugar and have to eat a huge bowl of oats (which is all right with me) after a run, or I feel dizzy and ready to faint for the rest of the day.  I always have orange juice and crackers around, but I would rather just eat an orange and a slice of bread.

As I got older and learned to cook, it was more about enjoying myself.  I loved the food I cooked and baked, but I became obese because of, well, bacon and chocolate, among other things.  I never binged, but I always ate too many calories.

When I finally decided to do something about my obesity, I was 250 pounds, uneducated about food, and had no idea where to start.  I went On A Diet for a long time.  I was incredibly strict on myself, but ate what I liked on Saturdays, and what I liked was pizza.  There were some days during the week when I only allowed myself to have fluids:  smoothies, coffee, etc.. and by Saturday, I was absoluely starving.

Obviously, MFP helped me to learn the error of my ways and I have been trying to eat more and more calories, the closer I get to my goal.

When my parents-in-law went away to Tenerife, I gave up treat days.  To me, treat days turn into Binge days and I eat until I could explode.  The worst part about it is that I never really enjoyed what I was eating.  On Christmas Day, I had a huge argument with my mother-in-law and came home and binged on anything I could find.  I didn't enjoy it.  After my race in Januray, I ate a big burger and chips from the chippie and never looked back.  Treat Saturdays again became a part of my life.

Recently, however, I have realised that this is getting silly.  I don't enjoy the food, for the most part, and I am sick of making myself feel this way.  I have decided, now, to take a different approach.  I will be eating only foods that taste good to me from now on.  If I want a doughnut, and I take a bite and it tastes good, I will eat it.  If I take a bite and it doesn't taste good, I am not going to force myself to eat it, just because I feel like eating something naughty.  My giant bowls of oats tend to satisfy my carb/sweets cravings very well, and make me crave fresh veggies the rest of the day, so why not just have that, instead of something I won't even enjoy?  The same thing goes for healthy foods, though I don't tend to eat healthy foods if I don't like them.

I am also going to work on getting a NET of 1500-1700 calories per day.  I am currently 3 pounds from my original goal of 140, but I don't really have a goal weight anymore, just a goal range.  I'd like to be somewhere between 130 and 135, but I am willing to take my time getting there, so this week, I am going to focus on eating a lot more.  I can't promise to be perfect, especially when tomorrow's run is 50-minutes long, but I am going to try.

Anyway, done rambling.  If you're still with me, you get to find out that my good news was that, after looking for a few weeks and one interview, I got the first job for which I was called!  I will be working for a recruitment agency, doing recruiting.  It is in the town where I live, so it will be easy to get there, and I can jog home on running days, and I will be able to get a new wardrobe!  I'm really excited.  My good friend, Bum Cheek, asked me if I had plans for working out and meals while working.  I have, of course, been planning this since before I started searching for a job, and I look forward to the challenge!  I mostly look forward to the fact that my husband will have to help clean, but anyway.  Some pictures of my week, as promised much, much earlier.

You know the fridge situation is desperate when breakfast looks like this.  Actually, it was pretty yummy.

Protein sludge!

 Groceries.

Cuteness on a messy desk.  Yes, my husband is a smoker.  It's a nasty habit, but he does it outside.

Anyway, if you have made it this far, you must've been really desperate for something to do.  Hope you've enjoyed my mess of words and pictures and please, be excited for my new job!!!

We need to talk.  We've been kidding ourselves.  Surely you've noticed that I'm pushing you away earlier and earlier into the meal, and the look of disgust on my face as I chug several glasses of water to remove the salty taste from my mouth after we've been together.  It's time to be honest.

As much as I hate to admit this, to be "that" girl, you know the one, we all hate her, the girl who says "Oh, I can't eat that anymore," I think I really am, and there's no point in trying to hide it.  I am so sorry for doing this to you now.  I know things have been rough lately and I kept promising that we'd get better, but, alas, I can no longer live a lie.

You should know, also, that I have been seeing someone else.  I dread to show you my grocery list for this week.  Please know that the strips of sweet pepper, homemade hummus, wholemeal breads, tortillas, and pitas will never completely replace you;  I will always remember what it was like when things were good.  Remember all those nights curled up in front of the TV, with jalapenos, bacon, pepperoni, mushrooms, and pineapple?  Oh God, I'll never forget the diet coke threesomes.  We really had a good run.  I have loved you as long as I can remember, and rest assured this is as hard on me as it is on you.

I understand if we can't be friends, but that will make it awkward for my husband when you come over to visit him, so I hope that you don't hate me, and I am truly, truly sorry.  You will always have a special place in my heart, beside the tiramisu I have replaced with Rachel's Organic Greek Coconut Yoghurt.

Love, 

Bee

As silly as all this sounds, I do feel strange ending my relationship with pizza.  I can't imagine what I'll look forward to now, but it has to be done.  It's silly to eat something I don't like.  I don't eat healthy foods if I don't like them, so why force myself to eat something full of white flour, salt, full-fat cheese and grease?

I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like something is changing within me.  I have been feeling like this for a few weeks now, disappointed by the taste of everything I used to love and craving things like raw veggies and fruit.  I already eat sort-of healthily.  Lots of people say my diary is "perfect" but it is far from it.  I eat huge, chunky, full-of-everything-in-the-fridge bowls of oatmeal, and, while I do like it, when I have it for breakfast, I crave super healthy things the rest of the day.  I want more and more fish and I actually look forward to strips of pepper dipped in hummus for a snack.  Things are changing, the Bee is moving forward with food.

With the extra work-outs I've added, looking for a job, and trying to keep my marriage in tact with the return of my parents-in-law, I haven't been too chatty.  I have tried my best to respond to everyone, and to cheer you all on.  I am sorry, though, if I have neglected anyone!  Some days, it seems like all I do is eat and work out.  I try to spend an hour looking for a job daily and about 24 hours a day not killing anyone.  It's not easy.

Rather than spend a lot of time complaining about this and that or defending my reasons for a mass friend-cleanout last week while I was resting my knee and being depressed in general, I thought I'd give you all some more pictures.  That's fun and involves less tears and anger.  By the way, I am fine.  I am running again and the endorphins are back.  I have become truly passionate about running.  I cannot imagine ever stopping.  Also, I'm still maxed out on friends, so if you have no patience, don't plan on logging in continually, or have absolutely no status updates (no exercise, no diary completion, no anything) or are not going to support me, please, don't bother sending a request.  Also, if you'd just read my profile page, you'd see that I'd like a message with your friend request.

Anyway, rant over.   Some people have asked for more pictures of my day, so here they are, with a bit of a run-down of the day.

I woke up, received a jacket by Zoca from running4women, which I am allowed to keep, as long as I review it, and luckily, I was out for intervals today.  The jacket is pretty cool:

The reflective strips at work:

My husband calls it my Tron jacket and he's jealous.

I went for my intervals, nearly died (well, ok, I got a stitch in my lower abs and had to hobble a bit in the middle instead of jogging.)  Then, I came home and did this:  http://www.bodyrock.tv/2011/03/09/pretty-fly-exercise-challenge/ .  It's 10 minutes.  Give it a try.  It's great fun.

I ate a Muller Rice Blueberry.  It was not worth the amount of sugar.  I was still hungry after, and it didn't taste all that great, so I had a protein shake and this:  

I made pittas last week.  I am really proud of them, well, at least this one, because it turned out perfectly!  It opened up without assistance.  I also made that hummus, which was just ok.  I like to have one meal with raw veggies and only homemade foods.  This was today's.

In other food news, I love chickpeas!  I had never eaten them (besides hummus) before this week, when I bought a big bag of dried ones.

If you need details, you can look at my diary.  Dinner was sticky chicken and fried rice with grilled pineapple.  The picture is so blurry!

I took a picture, because I was wearing the exact same thing I wore last time I did this:

Which is which?

Some pictures of my kitchen:

 New fruit basket and a loaf of bread I made the other day.

 The cupboard.

 And just for fun, a picture of my (badly in need of a re-colour) tattoo.

A picture of the way my back looked last July

For cuteness, pictures of my cat:

Thanks for dealing with this pointlessness.