My name is FutureSize8 and I'm a secret smoker.

And I am gooooooooooooood. I mean really good. The only people who know I smoke are the people I want to know I smoke.

You might be thinking to yourself, "Hmph...she just thinks no one knows...there are telltale signs."

Not on this broad. I have the keenest of keen sniffers. I can smell things that no one else can smell. I do not smell like smoke and I actually don't like the smell of other people smoking! Total hypocrite, right? On the occasion that I have decided to allow someone to see me smoke, they're always like, "What the...??? Really??" so I'm pretty confident that I am covering it up well.

I smoke only these wispy, thin, Capri or Virginia Slim ultra lights when I'm with my husband at our local pub (outside, of course) or when I am driving...never ever in our house. I keep the driver's side window at just the right amount of openness, with the vents tilted a certain way, so the smoke visibly goes right out the crack in the window. I chew extreme peppermint gum. I bleach my teeth. I am a compulsive tounge-brusher and fanatical hand washer. I use fragranced hand sanitizer. I have a neutralizing spray and I put a tiny drop of perfume on.

Does it sound like I'm pleased that I've got the majority of my world fooled into thinking I never smoke? If it sounds like I'm proud of any of this, I'm not.

I would love to stop it. I probably smoke a whole two packs a week, if that. So...clearly I'm not addicted, right?

I've had weeks, months and even years with no cigarrettes. I know it is absolutely horrible for me. I watched my Great Uncle - who I adored more than I can say - die from emphasema and lung cancer, 20 + years after he'd given up smoking. I've wanted my Mom to quit forever...she's been smoking since she was 10 (and, by the way, is also a secret smoker) and she is 70 now. So far, smoking hasn't caused her any problems, and I've thanked G*d for it regularly.

I'm no dummy. I'm super disciplined.

So, what the hell is my problem?