Saving My Life

Counting

Thu, 16 May 2013 13:09:23 GMT

It is day 500. I knew it would come because I'm not giving up. Ever.

I took some time for myself last night...something I almost never do on the nights my husband travels each week. Save for my exercise days off, every evening includes a traffic-filled, 40-minute journey home, taking the pup for a walk, getting my exercise in, cooking something from scratch and doing housework.

But last night, I sat on the patio with our pup and a drink and fiddled with my Nook and called my Mom. We talked for a long time. It was a good talk, one of those conversations about everything. When we hung up, I just sat there thinking...no Nook, no iPod, no phone, just listening to the wind, our pup curled up at my feet.

I counted my blessings - something I encourage everyone to do. And I gave thanks to the Universe, knowing that it continues to unfold as it should. I thought about who I want to be to make sure that I deserve all the goodness delivered to me, and how to make sure that I gracefully handle my fair share of struggles, too.

I thought about the number 10. That is how many years it's been since I left my first marriage. And how - as horrifying as that situation was - it was a conversation with my former spouse that made me apply at the company I still work for. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have wound up temping in the department where I'd one day have a real job. And if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have gotten the confidence, money or means to get out of that bad marriage. And if I hadn't gotten really good at what I was doing, I wouldn't have met the editor who put a flyer in my inbox, telling me that a conference in Chicago would take my skills to the next level. And if I hadn't gone to that conference, I wouldn't have met my now husband, who lived a hundred miles from me. And if I hadn't met him...well...I don't want to know what my life would be like.

I thought about the number 30...how thirty pounds ago, I felt incapable and trapped. I remembered that feeling compared with how light and strong I am now and how in 20 more pounds, I will be at my best. I thought about how I'd get there.

I thought about 272...the number of extraordinary people I have met here. I thought about your stories and the inspirations and challenges you share. Admittedly, there are only a handful who I have gotten to know well, but so many others who I share a super-positive-mutual-reinforcement with and I'm so thankful for every single person I've encountered on this site. I am still low on the radar from a social media standpoint, but I get it: the friends I've made online here are precious.

I thought about hundreds of days of exercise. And thousands of calories logged.

And I thought about the last 500 days...how your encouragement not only made it easy to come here, but essential.

I thought about the next 500 days...what I can do to be even better.

While I'm a word person and not a numbers person (this is the girl who had to have a tutor for Algebra just to keep a C/D average, for reals) there is nothing like counting it all out to rebuild focus.

I don't think it was a coincidence that I had a dream about my "old life" last night. I'd let myself wander back down some paths I've worked awfully hard to let grow over. But instead of being all freaked out, I got out of bed and brought the fan closer to the side of the bed and concentrated on that whirring, and I fell back to sleep.

I had another dream. In this one, I was telling my Mom how much I missed my Grandmother. Just as I was feeling so sad, suddenly, my Grandmother seemed to be right there with me. And then I heard her soothing whisper, "Shhh...count your blessings..."

Before

Mon, 06 May 2013 12:50:04 GMT

I hit 490 days of logging today and while I can certainly give myself a big ol' high five for coming here every day and honestly logging everything I eat, I am not completely happy with myself.

Seriously? Almost 500 days and I haven't acheived my goal yet? I see the amazing success stories of people who have lost way more in way less time on here and so I hang my head a little.

Believe me...I know it's me. All me. I have made some fantastic improvements to my life and I am glad for that.

But those changes are not enough.

Before, I would have gotten to this point, sighed and said, "Well, this is how it's gonna be, I guess." And I would start getting...permissive. I'd work out less. I'd tell myself I could take a little break from the exercising. I'd go ahead and order takeout with the girls at work here and there.

A week would turn into a month. A month would turn into two or three and before I knew it, I'd be breaking out the larger sized pants I had stashed in the closet. Before I knew it, I'd be big me again. Defeated. Depressed. Full of self-loathing.

I have been through it many times. More times than I'd like to admit.

This weekend, I reached out to one of my MFP family members because of a thoughtful reply to comment I'd made as I pondered my progress. The considerate reply I got in return was detailed, intelligent and extremely helpful. More than I could have expected, and just what I needed.

So, beginning today, I've revamped some things in my plan and I'm ready to shake up my routine. I'm now reenergized and excited about what I might be able to do in the next 500 days. Pushing myself a bit harder and in different, smarter ways.

Because I'm not afraid and I'm not a quitter anymore. Because I'm not in this for a litle while...I'm in it for life.

Before I would not have asked for help. I would not have made that effort. But this is now:

New exercise added to my regular routine
Changing up the intake (both what I eat/drink and how much)
New short term goal (and a new piece of equipment if I achieve it)

So, if you're stuck, reach out! There are such amazing people on this site...so many success stories, so much inspiration.

Here's to your next 500 days, and beyond...

My Name is FS8 and I Ate Skittles.

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:55:26 GMT

Sometimes, the self talk I hear from others astonishes me.

"I was so bad! I don't know why I finished off the ice cream last night. And I sat on the couch all evening because I am lazy!"

"I'm such a fat ass. I totally just had an extra large shake with my lunch. I don't know why. I suck."

"I'm going to be bad and eat this second donut. I know I don't need it, but I'm having it. Even though it's no good for me and I'm being a hog. I am eating it."

Strangely, the people who say these things - those who announce their struggles and are completely aware that they are having a hard tme - are often people who are not just trying to lose a few pounds, but who have been battling significant weight for years. Maybe it's not so strange...I think there may be something to this...that if we talk to ourselves in a degrading way, we start to accept it as fact. And then why bother trying to do better? Or why not give up on ourselves because, after all, we're "bad"? We think we're unworthy.

I know a beautiful girl who logged here for a couple days because she knew it was working for me. She said, "Sorry, I tried but I can't eat 1200 calories a day. I give up!" I carefully explained that 1200 calories wasn't for everyone, but logging the food we eat is often an eye opener, and then she could figure out what she wanted to do from there, but that didn't help. She tried. She couldn't do it. She quit.

Another person I know has gone completely off the rails with the bad self talk, and has succumbbed to yet another round of giving up. And the weight is back plus more and this amazingly brilliant, witty, vibrant person is miserable. And the self talk is painful to listen to, because I care. There is a dense feeling of defeat when she beats herself up or laments about her health...a whiff of helplessness that is ripe with sorrow.

Don't let yourself go there.

You might occasionally make some choices that aren't healthy for you. You might have a day where you ate too much of something you stopped eating once you embarked on a new lifestyle. You may take time off exercising...stuff happens. Wine festivals happen. Birthday cakes and vacations happen. Broken ankles happen.

But for the Love of You, get back on. Make the next meal you eat be a healthy meal. Stop what you're doing this second and stretch and go for a walk. Go look in the mirror and note the improvements you've made since you signed on for health and remind yourself that you can change anytime you want...and that time is right now.

Would you really let one roll in the hay with some curly fries derail the commitment you made to yourself? Just get back on.

I see that side eye...don't give me that look! It is, too, as simple as that. No matter how long you've been away. Get back to what is good for you because you deserve it.

And I do know what I'm talking about...I ate a pack of Skittles yesterday. I will not be eating Skittles today. I knew when I bought the packet that I was going to eat all of them. I could not quit thinking about them and I don't stress eat but I was stressed and the one thing that sounded wonderful was Skittles. So, I decided to eat them. And I didn't beat myself up about it (except that I slightly regretted the fact that it was not an ideal day to eat them since yesterday was my day off real exercise.) I ate them. The sun still came up this morning. I do not hate myself over Skittles.

You should know that I put that "because I'm so totally worth it" in my blog heading because I, too, forget sometimes that I am. Let's keep reminding each other...

Lightbulb Moment

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 13:41:13 GMT

Over the last year plus of logging here, I've had a few lightbulb moments. I am so thankful for these realizations, because they seem to help propel me even further in the right direction. I needed this one!

I've been slowly getting back into my regular workout routine in the two months since my surgery. Even before that, I wasn't able to do what I had previously, but I'd given myself an "understanding pass," acknowledging that my condition was temporary, and so I continued to log honestly, working out as I felt I could.

I'm going to admit it - getting out of the practice and the mindset of working out five or six days a week has made it kind of tough to get back into it.

Last night, I had a dozen things I ~~needed~~ wanted to do. Many of them seemed more pressing than getting out and walking the pup or riding my recumbent exercise bike.

I approached my excercise in a rush, hoping to get through it quickly, so I could get on with all the other things I ~~needed~~ wanted to do.

As the puppy and I were rounding the halfway mark of our walk, the sky suddenly opened up - big, wet splats of rain drenching us - and we had to run home, taking a shortcut through the common areas in our complex. I was laughing and the dog was spazing out when we got home, rolling and snorting and looking at me like I had caused the monsoon to happen...his first time getting caught in the rain.

With my mood lightened, I could think more clearly. Take this time to ride, FS8...you need to do this more than anything else on The List.

And so I rode. For a half hour. Because the Hubs is traveling, I had time to color my hair and do my nails and self tan. (He would tell me to take this time for myself any day of the week, but I like to do it when he isn't home so I don't feel like I'm taking time away from us.) I am a groomer. A preener. I am a makeup-every-day kind of girl. This is who I am and I've forever called the layers of product my Superman cape. (I am also a bit of a tomboy who likes to run and jump and get dirty and sweaty, but I also like to look a certain way when all that is over with.) So...as I'm wrapping up my DIY, mini spa night, it hit me:

If healthy is synonymous with beauty, then why on Earth would I ever spend any less time exercising than I would on the other "self improvements" I make everyday?

Why should showering, hair-doing, makeup applying and all the other contortions I put myself through on a daily basis be more important than turning my body into the healthy vessel it simply must be for longevity, efficiency and happiness?

This morning, when I got ready, I paid attention to the amount of time it takes between getting out of bed and walking out the door. It's one hour. Granted, that hour includes taking care of the puppy and getting him situated for the day, but still...One hour to prep myself for the day.

So I've decided that my exercise - my tuning up and beautifying my insides - should take no less than one hour per day.

The light is on...and now I feel like my head is in the right place to get back into joyfully investing that time in myself without rushing it. Loving it again. Feeling as though it's a privilege, and not something to cross of The List.

Nothing else on The List is more important than me. I forgot that for a moment...

It Would Be Easy...

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 13:01:12 GMT

It would be easy to stop here and rest.

I don't cringe at the mirror any longer. I don't think, "Damn! I look good!" but I also don't criticize my appearance constantly.

I'm more fit than I was a year ago - the stairs no longer render me a huffing, puffing mess.

I am not spilling over the top of size 16 jeans. I can wear 12s or 10s and that makes me pretty close to my goal of size 8...I can almost see it, somewhere off in the distance.

I still log everything I eat honestly, but I've eaten some things I probably shouldn't eat and normally don't. The world hasn't ended over an extra few hundred calories here and there.

I made it through the weeks after surgery, unable to exercise, and didn't gain much weight back (a pound).

So, I could stop here.

I could move my bike to the basement. I could pack up the workout clothes. I could stop making the effort to find fresh, healthy produce - I could go processed, canned.

I could order Chinese with the girls at work like I used to. Get a frozen yogurt with them on Fridays. I could have that slice of pastry when we meet with "that one department that always has breakfast treats."

I could do all these "normal" things... I could do them and be a miserable 198 pounds again!

Some of you may feel like taking a break, not logging or even giving up. I know I'm not wrong...I have three pages of friends who have stopped coming for months. (And you know why I won't delete you...previous post.)

But I'm asking you to stay. Will you stay? Even if you feel like you're failing or not eating within your desired calorie range, stay here. Keep logging it. Don't give up the practice, the awareness, the discipline, the information.

I read an article yesterday about someone with a disability. And I thought...this person isn't deprived. This person is blessed. It isn't a punishment...it's a better perspective. She is experiencing something different than the norm. And because of this, when she accomplishes something, it means more than it would for a typical person. Her victories are numerous - what we take for granted, she celebrates. What a rich life...what a gift she is to those around her!

While I am fortunate to not be disabled, one of my challenges has been my weight. And I'm learning to not envy the people around me who can seemingly eat whatever they want and be slim. They don't know what I know. They take their appearance for granted. And they may not be as healthy as I am inside.

They don't know the pride of pulling on a pair of pants that haven't fit in years. They don't know how good it feels when someone exclaims, "Look at you!! You look awesome!" They don't have the sense of victory that comes after pushing yourself a little harder in a workout, going a little further or faster than you ever have before.

They don't know how assuring it feels to have an army of likeminded people supporting them on their journey to health.

Stay...I really want you to. And I need you to. Come with me and make today what yesterday was not. This leg of our adventure is a little more difficult...the path isn't as clear, the trees are more dense, and it isn't as easy to see up ahead. It will be better if we stick close together... will you stay?

What Works...

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 16:06:08 GMT

I see posts from people new to MFP and I want to hug them.

I want to hug them because they are frantic and desperate, looking for the "magic bullet" that is going to make them fit, burn the fat, and transform them into the best version of themselves they can be.

I see the posts on the forums: questions about "miracle" products, different programs, calculations... They want rock hard answers - and abs. They want a guarantee: "If you do (this) for (this long), you'll be perfect."

They want results now. They've been logging in since January and "it's not happening fast enough." They've been here for two weeks: "When will I see the scale move?"

They see swimsuit season around the corner and they want to ditch the pareo for a bikini. Okay, maybe just even a tankini, but still.

I want to say, "Patience."

I want to say, "Get to know you."

I want to tell them that there are no magical formulas that will work for every single human being. We're all different, inside and outside. What works for one person might not work for the next.

For example, a few years ago, a friend of mine who suddenly looked svelt, responded to a compliment about her new appearance by saying, "I gave up drinking pop," and then elaborated: she had been drinking 5 or 6 20 oz. sodas per day. "How lovely for her," I remember thinking, "But I don't even drink soda, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't eat sweets...so why am I fat?"

And even more true than how important it is to find our individual solutions...if you are diligent and find what works for you, if you stop doing it, you will almost certainly gain weight again.

I was on a kick where I really believed what a fitness guru (don't wanna name names) preached about how silly it was to monitor calories. I'm paraphrasing, but I can't think of how many times I heard this person say, "You can eat as much as you want as long as it is healthy, whole, and unprocessed food! You can eat bowls of it!!" I didn't take it to mean I could gorge myself, but I certainly didn't count the calories or monitor portions. I followed this advice and was nearly 200 pounds when I started here. Clearly what worked for that expert did not work for me.

I see the debates about how it's good/not good to restrict calories to 1000 or 1200, how it's right/wrong to eat back exercise calories, how this equation does/does not work, how supplements are healthy/not healthy, how pay for programs are/are not useful.

The point is that everyone offering their opinions is right.

And also wrong.

That person is right because that particular solution is works for him or her! And those people are super passionate about it because they've felt that angst, that frustration and dissapointment, and they genuinely feel they've found the cure for obesity and they want to heroically pull you from it's clutches! So, you can read their thoughts and try their suggestions for two or three weeks to see if it makes a difference for you. If it does, wonderful! You've found a kindred spirit so make friends! Encourage each other.

But if it doesn't work for you, don't get mad. Don't give up. Let their successes insprire you to do something, even if it's not what they're doing. Don't start overeating and not exercising just because their solutions aren't your solutions. You are getting to know YOU. And so you have more work to do.

I have spent nearly my entire adult life trying to figure out how to get healthy and stay healthy. And I can tell you, I feel more motivated at this moment than ever because I now know what works for me.

This feeling of CAN is actually worth the disappointment over all the failed attempts: two full, separate year-long rounds on a pay diet program; countless visits to doctors; experiments with fiber and laxatives; starving; over exercising; a packaged meal plan; two expensive OTC supplement programs; and tons of fad and diet programs.

Those attempts were worth it because I was investing the time to get to know my body. And what I learned is that my body is a natural body. It's one that won't effectively respond to torture, pills, artificial stuff or extremes. It doesn't understand elaborate formulas, stimulants, "specialists" up in my face, or heavy books. It is a traditonal bod...not one for fads, but one for the ages.

I took time to know me and it is paying off. I learn something new about me every single day. Hell yes, I am into me! I am a selfish B when it comes to making sure I'm getting the right amount of healthy food and exercise. I am learning my limits and embracing my abilities. I apply new disciplines and can visibly see how they're changing me every day.

Aren't you worth getting to know? Are you up for discovering what works for you?

Inspired

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 13:14:31 GMT

Our local pub was purchased a few years ago by a man who we've known for a while...he owns another small business in our town. We really like him...he is a good, honest person.

He's dedicated and modest and takes great pride in his work. And he works A LOT. So much so that he's been hospitalized several times in the last year because the stress from work, hours, and his lifestyle all took a toll. So much so that when he once told me his age, I made sure I did not look shocked; he is a handsome man, but I thought he was much older.

He recently traveled back to his homeland to marry. It's working out well. Even though she's thousands of miles away, his new wife's influence on him is positive and very strong...she wants him healthy by the time she arrives in a year.

And so, a few months ago, he stopped drinking.

And Saturday, when I saw him for the first time in a while, I was pleasantly surprised. He looks so healthy! His palor has changed from ashen to golden. He's lost weight. His face looks different...glowing, almost. He looks like he feels good.

And so...I'm not stupid. And I thank you for your kindness as you've peeked into my journal and perhaps quietly noted my nightly cocktails...never mentioning them. Maybe you didn't because you're polite and regard drinking as a personal thing. Or since I've lost weight, usually working my drinks into my calories, and logging every drop honestly, it didn't seem worth mentioning.

But yesterday, I decided...it is time to stop drinking daily. While I am confident that I don't have a problem, and I've been super successful so far in my health goals, this suddenly seems like a no brainer. It's the next rung on the ladder to my new life.

Has anyone noticed how freaking amazing Alec Baldwin looks these days, since he's cut back on drinking? Ben Affleck, suddenly more attractive than ever? And I'm not just saying that I'm doing this to impact my outside...I'm just saying if there is that big of an impact on the outside, imagine the overall impact on the insides.

You know me... if I write it, it becomes my truth. If I say I'm doing something or not doing something, it is so.

I will no longer have cocktails daily.

I am ready for greatness to happen.

Options

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 12:18:20 GMT

"I've been here before," he said with a sigh. "I know what to do...I know I should track what I eat and exercise. It's the only thing that works for me."

I nodded, not wanting to overly agree, but thankful that he'd had this epiphany.

"I just don't feel like doing it," he confessed.

What I wanted to tell this person, what I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs, was that he was running out of options.

We're not "that" young anymore, I thought, considering all of the medical problems he'd been talking about for the last few years as I've watched his weight climb to an all time high.

You know how once you've been really overweight, you totally know when someone is not telling the truth about how much he or she weighs? I heard this colleague tell someone how he was concerned that he was nearing 250 pounds. And I thought to myself, "He has no idea how much he weighs."

This same person lamented because he'd gone to his doctor who had gotten on his case a little about all the warning signs - blood sugar off, high blood pressure, pains in his knees and ankles - his results from a recent physical revealed. He said he was offended at the doctor being so frank.

I didn't want to be unsympathetic, but I suspect he was really just disappointed in himself and maybe a little embarrassed. (I know how that feels!) I said, "You weren't paying him to hold your hand though, right? You wanted the truth, and he wants you healthy... and you can do it. Let's take a quick walk!"

I'm glad this person talks to me. I'm glad he sees in me someone who has a way to go, but who has committed herself to doing better. I listen. I recognize. But I don't judge.

Because I work in an office environment with lots of people who spend the majority of their days at a desk, there are a lot of overweight people here. I see how culturally, they're uncomfortable, not making eye contact, not saying hello. That is heartbreaking to me. I am a Hello Machine. I know what it is like to feel invisible and alone. So, I don't just say hi to say hi...I say it because I am aware that my greeting may be one of the only human interactions any person has that day. That might sound kooky, but that is who I am. Compassion is one of the most powerful tools we have. We can't know what impact an act of kindness may have on another person.

...And what impact that person's kindness might have right back on you. My friend is sharing his thoughts with me because he needs a sounding board. But in every conversation we have where I'm encouraging his efforts, I'm reinforcing my own realizations and beliefs.

We don't have the option to maintain an unhealthy lifestyle if we want quality time here on this planet.

But how we choose to get well, enjoy movement and engage others? We've got tons of options there.

If you're struggling today, support someone else here. Pick someone who needs a boost from your list of friends or from one of the boards and lift that person up. It is an option that can only result in something positive.

Futuresize8 Version 5.0

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 14:03:55 GMT

I've had so much time to think while I've been recovering from my surgery last month (I can't believe it will have been four weeks this Thursday!) It has been a bit of an emotional time, to be honest, but not all sad emotions, either.

Except that part where my childhood friend passed away. That was - and still is - very, very sad for a hundred reasons. I've been working on a letter to his parents, and it's taken me a while to write down just what I want to say about how special their son was, not just to me, but to everyone he befriended. Such a mentor without even trying to be.

Those thoughts, about life, about how short it really can be, and about how fortunate I am, have really helped me refocus. Here is kind of where my head is at now:

Health is first. Oh, I know it is so easy to put work, family, obligations or even plain old laziness in front of exercise and eating well. No one is "perfect" all of the time. But, in these weeks where I have been forced to recline so much, I realize how precious movement is. I realize how much I don't enjoy other people doing things for me. So, even though I had already been doing a pretty good job of exercising regularly, I'll admit that sometimes, it was a pain in the butt to find an hour to work out. But now, after this time off, I'm reminded that it is a privilege to move. I'll never take it for granted again.
I am not invincible. I've been in some pretty rough spots in my life. But I've always skated, through effort or by the Grace of G*d or even sheer luck. Feeling the physical limitations of not being able to do something because of lack of strength or presence of pain reminds me that I am not a super hero. I can fail. And at the same time it reminds me of just how much I do NOT want to fail. Health isn't just going to come to me. I'm going to have to continue to work on it.
I am so freaking lucky. I am a blessing counter. I do it daily. There are times in my life where I've really only been able to count one or two things as positives. But I'd count and recount those things to stay positive. In all this down time, I've been counting and realizing that the blessings in my life are abundant! I don't even believe that I deserve them all, but I am so very thankful for my husband and stepson and my family, our puppy, a good job, the roof over our head, my health, the abilities I've been given, my incredible friends here, the optimism that always finds a way into my brain... all of these things are truly amazing, and they're mine! I don't know why they're mine, but I feel extra charged now to do more good things for others with these gifts I've been given.

I have been kind of looking back on my life as versions now. There was the first version...the very young FS8, then the FS8 who made bad choices, the FS8 who learned from those mistakes and emerged triumphant, and the FS8 who got sick and had to be restored to wellness. And now this FS8, version 5.0, who feels most empowered and capable and ready. Ready for what exacly? I'm not altogether certain, but I think, maybe...ready for everything...

And She Danced

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 13:51:17 GMT

Before the years of wondering how to control my weight, I was a very slender girl.

"You need to eat more!" my grandma would say, so I'd kindly save her the trouble of wrapping any leftover Sunday butter-bit rolls by polishing off the rest in the bread basket. It never showed.

Some would chalk that up to youth and a fast metabolism. Maybe, but now, knowing what I know, I have a feeling that it simply had more to do with MOVING.

I moved constantly! When I think about the amount of calories I burned during the day, it's no wonder I was wispy and thin.

I took gymnastics. I took dancing. I was in flag corps. Because there was a super crush-worthy boy who lived on the hill portion of our long street, I rode my bike at least 5 miles a night each summer, hoping to catch a glimpse of him as I just "happened" to roll by. I was in show choir and in all the musicals. Countless talent shows. My friends and I felt like the off-season for flag corps was too long and started up our school's first winter guard. There was no shortage of movement. I am guessing I was in motion four or five hours a day.

On Saturday nights, my high school sponsored a dance, designed to keep us out of trouble. Those dances were FUN. It was the eighties, people! Best music ever, right? They'd have a DJ, door prizes, food, soft drinks and DANCING. Somehow, despite loads bangles, cans of AquaNet and layers of Wet n' Wild cosmetics, my friends and I were not weighed down at all. We danced and danced some more...the only motivation we needed was hearing our favorite songs.

Why did I ever stop?

I loved the years that I took dance lessons at a neighborhood studio. We'd rehearse all year for the annual recital. Everyone in our neighborhood took lessons, as well as girls from around our city. It was interesting to meet them...a glimpse into life outside our small suburban bubble. Girls from affluent private schools somehow seemed less intimidating once we were all in our uniform leotards and tights, in our tap shoes and toe shoes. The music would come on and suddenly, it was most important for us to all look the same. The same fluid movements. Kicks the same height. Everything in unison.

One of the most perfect sounds I've ever heard? Those moments after linking arms for a kickline followed with the perfect sound of jump-kick-jump-kick-jump-kick....not a bunch of sloppy jump-kicks where you could hear feet that weren't in sync, but that singular sound of many. I loved that.

And I'm going to get a chance to do it again.

I just got an email from my dance teacher. This year marks the 50th show she's put on since she started teaching dance. And she has invited as many of her past students as she can find, thanks to the wonders of the Internet (though she only had to go through a childhood friend of mine to locate me!) and we're going to do a little number at the end of the recital this spring.

And yes, I will be at my goal weight by the time I join those girls on stage, one last time. That wooden stage framed by bright lights, where I used to pretend I was a star and everything seemed possible, if I could imagine it.

I wish rehearsals began tomorrow. Isn't it funny how things come into our lives at just the right time? I so needed something to look forward to.

I can't wait! A year ago I would have said, no way. I won't be ready. But now I know that I will be ready... LET'S DANCE!