Foraubs's Blog

You can't eat properly if you work more than 8 hours a day.

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 19:11:20 GMT

An exerpt from a Facebook status:

52 days of my " changed diet " the first 28 days of cutting fast food out and being more active, resulted in 17 lbs lost with going from 2-3 fast food meals per day, to a total of 3.. the next 24 days were not so great, I ate McDonald/ fast eddies/ Wendy's / a&w / Chinese food a total of 9 times .. slipping a bit, lol.. but lost 7 lbs ..being out 12 hours a day doesn't help the healthier eating. So, all in all I had 12 bad meals in 52 days and lost 24 lbs without working out..Better than nothing.

Awesome. I commend the weight loss and the attempt to rid what you've identified as a bad habit (fast food.) But, I take issue with the whole working & unable to do it properly, thing.

And so I told him:

It's possible to eat well and work 12h days. My days start at 5am and I dont get home until 730pm and it is absolutely manageable and attainable with a little planning and forethought. Good luck!

To which he said:

I agree, but I'm in a hot truck then walking door to door from 9 am-5.

Which made me end with:

And I work for emergency health services and am often so busy I dont have time to breathe. Everyone's got an excuse or an example, just have to make a decision for yourself and what you want overall, ultimately.
I'm a believer in moderation for anything, so long as the person has that control and discipline.

I wasn't giving him a hard time, just some perspective. It just pains me to see people who WANT to do something, but find excuses to inhibit themselves from doing so, without first trying to problem-solve for a solution that will fit their lifestyle.

I do work 12 hour shifts ; days and nights.
I do have a small child at home requiring attention.
I do have other responsibilites that require attention.
Today as I was preparing my meals for tonight's shift, I recalled this thread and thought I'd share with you that it CAN be done, and it can be done well.

Dinner comes first for me because, well, I don't start work until 7pm.
308 calories.
The salad would have been bigger, but that's the end of Mama's lettuce.

Now, these snacks will be eaten at separate times.
On the left: 120 calories.
On the right: 171 calories.
Far better than those 100-calorie snack packs (which are deceiving because they are LOADED with sugar) and you get so much more.

And to fill my belly in the morning, so that I may return home by 730am and sleep a few hours just to get up and do it all again; breakfast.
238 calories.

No drive-thrus. Very few pre-packaged foods or snacks.
Less calories.
More nutrition.
Smaller waist.
Larger energy.

These 5 meals contain 293 LESS calories than ONE BIG MAC MEAL.

Think about it.

I'm by no means a perfect example, but as a mother who often works 60+ hours a week and has fitness goals of her own, I felt compelled to share that it can be done in the kitchen so that you don't have to do it in the drive-thru.

For more on what goes into my belly and makes up my heart, follow me on Instagram @foraubsforme.

I've always been afraid.

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 01:50:07 GMT

Of?
I've always been afraid of following through with anything that betters me, is all about me, or has the potential to change who I already perceive to be "me."

I'm a fantastic employee. Typical "A Type;" self-directed, expedient without sactificing excellence, blah, blah, blah ...

I'm a great mother, a committed spouse, a thoughtful daughter and a steadfast sister. Nothing is ever half-assed when it comes to fulfilling these roles.

But when it comes to doing for myself ... that's where I falter.

When I'm with myself, I'm a complete contradiction to who I am elsewhere. I half-finish projects, make promises to myself I don't keep, place little value on the follow-through and don't often maximize my time.

And I have determined that this is because I am afraid.
I've always been afraid.

I'm afraid of who I will become if I allow myself to be who I think I might want to be, but just aren't sure of it yet. Strangely enough, I feel that by holding back I am more authentic, and that couldn't be further from the truth.

And so, with the new onset of the new week looming, I will cast my fears aside and attempt those feats -- large and small -- that have always danced in the back of my mind.

Working 12h shifts, days & nights, makes work-days littered with exhaustion and off-days wanted to be spent with my family as much as possible. I need more quality time with ME to develop as a person.

I have fitness goals I want to achieve that won't be done with self-sabotage (see: the chips & dip I just ate when I wasn't even hungry) and complacency. And so, I am going to give a go toward something so, so simple: clean eating. It's SO painfully easy, affordable and mindful to eat well. Veggies are my favourite and I don't eat nearly enough of them. Why do I deprive myself of something I'd enjoy and that is good for me, and instead eat crap (see again: the chips & dip I just ate when I wasn't even hungry) that barely qualifies as food? As a general rule, whole foods are mostly eaten in my home anyway, but I have become far too comfortable with snacking (bingeing, mostly) that I need to stop. I need to teach myself how to snack in a way that is not counterintuitive.

Why do I feel like I can't say no, either? Is it really going to offend my father-in-law if I opt to grab a banana and some yogurt from the corner store instead of having an In N Out burger while we travel? Is my mother really going to be offended if I only have a few small bites of whatever fat-laden dinner she has prepared? When I started this process, I began taking my pre-planned meals with me if I knew I was going to be out. This was a bit extreme, but it got my mind right. If I went to lunch with friends, I ordered a side of steamed veggies instead of a bacon burger. It affects the people around me very little. And I PREFER the veggies to the burger! I'd never, ever deprive myself, and I favour eating smaller meals/snacks throughout the day, so ordering a side at a restaurant during a mid-day lunch is not "dieting" for me as it would be for some. For me, it is living. And I don't know why I am so ... embarrassed, maybe? ... to commit to that. I need to get back to doing what is right for me, without fear of having to explain myself.

I know I do well when I place certain restrictions on myself, so moving forward, I will attempt to limit myself to 100-150cal/day of "snacky" food (not just chips, though those are my vice) as I transition and ONLY after I have completed my workout for the day. No workout? No treat. My thought is that I will be so enthralled with the completion and commitment to the workout, that the snacks will no longer be of interest.

Which brings me to workouts.
I love them.
I neglect them.
And I miss them.

Because of my schedule, it is hard to be "consistent." When I was on maternity leave, I worked out every day. And I felt the best I've ever felt. I envy those who can/do go to the gym every, say, Thursday from 4-6am with a set routine. I cannot kill myself; I know this. And part of developing oneself, I think, is knowing some hard truths. This doesn't, however, mean I can't switch it up.
My work schedule is a 14-day rotating schedule, and so has become my workout routine. I've devised a plan that will focus on more intensive activity (both in dexterity and duration) on off-days and less intensive activity on work-days. I've thrown 3 rest days in the mix.
While I cannot be the predictable person who arrives, sneakers in hand, at Goodlife Fitness every Thursday morning at 4am, I can be the person who gets her ass out of bed earlier and fits in 30 minutes before she showers. So what if I get up at 430am instead of 5am? I fear being exhausted throughout my day -- but I already am half of the time, anyway. Why not TRY to see if the morning workout picks me up and carries me through? Why not TRY to make myself a priority and understand that to achieve my aspirations, some sacrifices are going to have to be made? Why not snuff the fear that change might actually be beneficial and just give it a flipping shot? I've always had a dancing thought in the back of my mind that I'd love to be "the kind of person" who gets up with the sunrise and the birds and enjoys the solitude and sweat. OK -- so what determined that I couldn't be that person? Fear.
Only dreams come to a sleeping girl.

I'm hoping that with more of an emphasis on eating clean & stepping outside of my comfort zone with regard to the consistency and care put into an exercise routine, I will wave goodbye to the complacency that has seemed to begin comfortably residing within my mind ... and within my gut. Self-sabotage is a thing of the past .. or it's well on its way to becoming one, at least.

In 18 months' time I have lost 65lbs and over 65". Sounds impressive, right? What if I said that it's also true that in 14 months. time I have lost 65lbs and over 65". Not so impressive, huh?
Complacency.

While scale-goals are only one (and admittedly, not the most optimal) way to measure success, having one is rather innocuous, and so I do. 140lbs. I have been 20lbs from that goal for 4 months (+/- 2-3lbs) and I am tired of it.

I've done the work for the 65 thus far.
I certainly can do the work for the next 20.

MFP started out as a counting tool for me but has resulted in being so much more: an eye-opening (albeit windy) road to self-discovery and self-disclosure and this is simply the next step in that. Comparison is the thief of joy, and I need to focus more on what is attainable for myself, in my skin, within my lifestyle.

And for me (whoever that is, and is becoming,) that's what this site, this dilligence and commitment to accountability and, ultimately, this blog post, is all about.

Attention Diverted

Wed, 08 May 2013 00:07:08 GMT

Yes, so to those on my FL it's no secret that I've been somewhat absent lately, and my kitchen reno is the main reason as to why.

Wanna see?

Our kitchen was about 15 years outdated. We chose to do all of the work ourselves and refinish the existing cabinetry as opposed to leveling the entire place. This is due in part to the fact that the cabinetry is custom, and that while we love our house, we likely won't be living here forever and didn't want to sink 20k into two rooms.

This was Day 1. We made decent progress.

I was happy to start seeing the dated oak go, and anxious to see the awful cranberry it was coupled with vamoosh along with it.
Amazingly, we didn't end up having to change the countertops. The look of them made me want to gouge my eyes out every time I walked into the room, but somehow with the changes, although it's not entirely dreamy, it works for me.
Meh. Score one for the few thousand dollars left over.

The backsplash I wanted wasn't happening. While it would have looked amazing in our space, the space wasn't large enough for all the stone. So, I met in the middle and did a mix of glass tile and thin stone tile and overall I'm really happy with it.

We still have a few finishing touches to complete, like some work on the floor (to make it look like one big slab as opposed to largely grouted tiles) and the arrival of a couple of new appliances, but overall I'm really pleased with what we managed to accomplish. Even though the photos were taken at night, you can tell that the wall colour alone really brightens up the space.

I have managed to spend some time with my girlfriends, too, amidst everything that's been going on.

Although I have the chubbiest side profile smile face known to mankind, I no longer feel like a lardass in a lineup with my best friends of 23 years. Thank you, MFP.

A jealous, teething babe on one knee and a newborn on my other, my uterus was damn-near contracting. More and more, I am starting to feel ready for another one.
My goal was always to reach my goal weight (which is 20lbs away) by the end of November so that I'm somewhere I know I can get to again when we start thinking about Spawn #2 (which won't be until the end of this year.)

Anyway, that's where I've been and that's what I've been doing.

I appreciate your patience and continuing support in my absence, and I am glad to be back.

It feels good to be back.
:)

Letting go of (-) & focusing on (+)

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 15:21:40 GMT

Yeah, so if you've been following me along in the past little while you'll likely have noticed my life/mood has been plagued with much negativity.

Lots of emotional turmoil existing within my extended family life, and I've been a monster at work ... so I took this weekend off to enjoy the simple things in life that matter most, which I will focus my writing on today.

Yesterday we went to the hospital to visit one of my best friends who just had her first child, a boy .. my daughter's one-day husband, obviously. The joy was overwhemling. Two of my other best friends were there at the same time visiting, and I was able to apologize to them for my reclusiveness this past while and my lack of effort toward our friendship, explaining the struggles currently underway within my family. They apologized to me .. for not knowing, for being more present to know, and, as expected because they are so gorgeously fantastic, warranted no explanation or apology and instead offered their support and willingness to help, either with the situations or as a distraction from them.
I have a lot to be thankful for.

Last night the three of us stayed up past the little one's bedtime and threw caution to the schedule. Instead of he and I sleeping together and she sleeping in her bed, she and I slept together in one of our spare bedrooms and snuggled the night away. It was a great feeling waking up beside her, knowing that we'd spend a lazy morning watching cartoons and having breakfast in bed.

I got her a breakfast of warm milk and a banana, preparing a tea for myself and returned to bed. Daddio was still asleep so we snuggled some more and watched an array of Saturday morning television.

Two blondiebabes with bedhead. I love it.

We spent the better part of an hour lounging and playing in bed before we were joined.

I am so undeniably in love with these two.

It's sometimes necessary to take time aside to actually focus on what makes you happy and, while there may be a shitstorm brewing in other aspects of your life, cast it aside for a time to be peaceful and happy. I can return to worrying about others in my life later on. I can defer trying to fix the world's problems until after lunch.

And so this morning, in bed with my loves, was my happy place.

After we finally got out of bed, it was breakfast time (second breakfast, really, if you count the 1/2 of the banana I had when sharing with my girl.)

scrambled egg whites with tomato and spinach
potato pancakes (leftovers waste not in our house)
fat-free raspberry yogurt with strawberries
..... 125 calories. In total. Delicious.

Tonight K and I are attending a business dinner/cocktails for his work. I'm actually looking forward to dressing up because I feel I have made enough progress to be happy with the way I look when I slide into my heels and onto his arm.

Afterall, I did accidentally buy a small shirt earlier this week, instead of a medium, and IT FIT.

I bought the same shirt in white in the intended-medium, and I wore it the following day and actually wanted to return it for a small because I prefered the way the black one fit.

Unreal.

I'm still working on consistently letting people in, which is what this blog is all about for me. I go back and forth with it. I need to find a happy median, and so my sharing some of my life here, with you .. and with my friends .. and with my family .. I am learning to be more open and candid about who I am and what I am about.

Happiness is lurking.

[[instagram @foraubsforme]]

This Blog Started as a Status, but Became Far Too Long.

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 18:35:31 GMT

Me? Verbose?
Nevvvvvvvvvvvvvvver.

Right.

So, I re-took my measurements today, which is what the status began as detailing.

I question how accurate I am with the tape measure. It's so easy to not measure in the EXACT same spot, making you off by 1/4".
They were last taken in mid-January. I suppose it's just a good of a gauge as the scale, so I've compiled some digits for myself (and my fellow number-loving friends out there):

I am down 62.5" overall in 13 months. That's almost 16% of myself in inches, gone!

Almost half of those have been from my waist, ribs, midsection & thighs -- I've lost 14" from my waist alone!
In the past two months, I've lost 4.75" overall, but gained inches on my thigh (1/4") & calves (1/2"), while losing 9.2lbs.
I've lost 30% of my total body weight from when I was 9mos pregnant (15 months ago,) translating to 20% of my body weight since I joined MFP 13 months ago.
I'm 9.6lbs from my first goal, which will be 34% & 26% TBW lost, respectively. If I am able to achieve this, I will likely set my sights on another -10lbs, making it 38% & 31%, respectively. And If I can't? That's OK, too. I'm more interested on toning and tightening while improving my endurance .. so if I can do that and be humbly satisfied, I, quite frankly, don't care what the scale reads.

And, for my visual-loving friends? (But mostly because I'm thorough and like to see both...):

I don't have my measurements from when I was pregnant ... but that would have been off the charts!

This chart starts with my pregnancy weight, and then goes month-by-month, from January to December, 2012, beginning & end of each month.
Sure, there were a few ups and downs, but nothing overly-remarkable.

This chart starts by outlining my pregnancy weight from December 2011, followed by my MFP start weight, in February 2012. Then, it details from the beginning of 2013 until now, two per month, beginning & end.

Meh. I just like to see it all laid out before me.

I realize that this could have been achieved much faster than 15 months, but during that time I've continued to live my life, making adjustments that both suit and enhance my lifestyle. I have lost safely and steadily by enjoying good food and solid exercise, in tandem. This tells me that I will be able to maintain this. This tells me that I will not yo-yo. I have not dieted; I have changed my life.

I want this.

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 04:21:37 GMT

I've been wanting to find the time to sit and blog for weeks now, however the moments have come and passed and I'm afraid this one is going to fall short.

I have no cutesy pictures of my meals or my life to share, and I have no Earth-shattering gossip to irresponsibly spread.
(Although, I have moved a lot of that to Instagram and you can follow me there @foraubsforme if you're interested in what goes into my heart and my belly.)

I do, however, realize now, more than ever, how much I am committed to myself. I realize now, more than ever, how badly I want this.

My best friend and grandmother passed away nearly a year ago. May 19, Doomsday. With my birthday looming in less than a month -- one that will officially launch me into my late 20s -- it'll be my first without her. I've been back to work for 3.5 months after a glorious maternity leave. The pressures from finding and maintaining a work-life balance, traveling, and aching desperately for my best friend have been creeping up on me. I've made a few poor life decisions in the past few weeks and both my psyche and my outlook have been impacted.
My grandmother wanted me to lose the "baby weight" (let's be honest - it was more than that) and always taught me to take pride in my appearance.
I want this for her. I want this for the pride I know she would feel in me. I want this for the change in her own life habits I know it would have inspired had she still been here. I want this for the big embrace she'll smother me in when I finally see her again.

My spouse allowed me every concession to work on myself after the baby was born. He ensured I had time to go for my runs, get in a solid P90X workout, or go to Zumba. He cooked to the specifications I asked of him, and I could feel his support from the inside out. He loves me regardless, and he loves me enough to continue to give me the time that I need for myself.
I want this for him. I want this so that I can give him more (albeit while giving him much less) of me. He deserves not only to have a woman who can outwit and hold her own at his side during business functions, but also one who can just look elegant on his arm while biting her all-to-sharp tongue. I want this so that the time he has afforded me is not all for not. I want this to feel small, yet strong, beneath him.

My daughter is (as all mothers' daughters are) the best thing to ever grace my life. She is merely 15 months old, but has already taught me so much about myself, about how to love, and about how to live.
I want this for her. I want this for the longevity I need to be around for her, to guide her and teach her and explore with her and love her. I want this to be a family affair, all of us partaking in a healthy, active lifestyle. I want this to be a lesson to her by example, one that she enjoys learning and doesn't feel any burden of. I want this for her, for the rest of our lives together and for her own after that.

Ideally, she won't be an only child forever. We'd like to give her a sibling to torment and love and teach.
I want this for that opportunity. I was overweight when I became pregnant, by about 30lbs. And by the time I delivered, I was overweight by 75lbs. I want to begin my next pregnancy in a healthy frame of mind and frame of body. I want to continue to exercise throughout my gestation and not use Toaster Strudels as a vehicle for Betty Crocker French Vanilla icing. I want to be able to gain weight in a healthy, appropriate and steady manner, and be able to lose it in the same fashion once the baby comes. Perhaps most vehemently, I want to know that I have the confidence in myself to know that I can do that.

And, yes, there's an ounce of vanity.
I want this for myself. I want to look good naked. I want to look good in a tight-assed pair of jeans. I want to sit down without anything pouring over the waist of my garments. I want to enjoy shopping again. I want to wear a bikini without reservation. I want to know I earned what I've received. I want to be humble and satisfied.

I guess the reality is that I want this for all of us. I want it for myself and my family, inclusive of my MFP family that have encouraged me when I was high and helped me to scrape my ass up off the ground when I was feeling low.
It's because of all of you that I am able to look back at how far I have come as a means to keep pushing forward to get to where I want to be.

Yeah.
I want this.
Now watch me go get it...

One Year Later: A Goodbye Wave to 60lbs & 60"

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 23:15:06 GMT

February 3, 2012 I logged into MFP for the first time to "try things out."
It's been -- without any embellishment -- one of the best things that could have ever happened to me!

When I started on February 3, I was 198lbs. This was my highest recorded weight, save for my pregnancy weight which was 225lbs.

9 months pregnant. 225lbs.
That number seems so surreal.

I always thought I was a "bigger girl," but I never was ... until I was. I think it was about 2005 when my weight began "creeping" on ... and I didn't get pregnant until 2012, so what does that tell you? YIKES!

This photo was taken a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant. And this was how I'd been looking for a few years. Not impressive. Hiding from the camera, self-conscious -- not like the real me at ALL!

Anyway, this was me a year ago to the day:

198lbs. 4 weeks post-partum.

Then, one month into the process (or journey, or transformation, or change ... whatever we choose to call it):

And then, a few months later still, September came, 7 months in:

Before you know it, September turns to February, making me 365 days in, 61.2lbs lighter and over 60" smaller:

If anyone else had told me that they'd lost the same amount of weight, it would sound so different in my head to me: that is to say, I recognize it as a significant loss for someone else, but in my mind and my sight, I still see the same girl from April 2012, sticking out like a sore thumb from her group of fit and thin friends.

It's not all in the numbers.
I refuse to get rid of my scale because numbers certainly are a part of it -- and if we're talking numbers, I'd still like to lose about 15-20lbs and tone up -- but it's brought me so much more.

Now, I can run 5K.
Now, I look forward to working out.
Now, I spend time getting ready for a night out WITH my girlfriends, and not alone because I'm too self-conscious.
Now, I can shop in the Junior's section of JCP:

Yes, that is a kid's dress that I bought a few months ago that's actually a bit loose now.

Now, I look differently than I did in the same clothes from a year ago:

Yes, those are the same jeans from February 2012 to December 2012.

Now, I have a defined jaw line and don't worry about how many chins I have in my photos:

I'm hesitant to put this out there because a good, large part of me still harbours some self-consciousness. I don't feel "there" in my mind, but I'm working on playing catch-up.
When I started with MFP I'd look to the Success Stories and be blown away by what hard work and dedication could derive.
I'm a big supporter of paying things forward, so on the off-chance that the success I've had so far serves to keep someone here who is close to quitting, causes a newbie to stick around a little longer to check it out, or pushes someone who is close to their goal to keep reaching it ... well, then I'm happy to have shared, despite my hang ups.

It is possible to live without deprivation and be successful.
I have a small child at home now. My best friend passed away in May and I was devastated. From January 2012 to December 2012, we traveled constantly, going on 8 trips and vacations. I returned to work in December 2012, working rotating shifts in a demanding field.
And I still am continuing my loss.
My point is that life happens and making yourself a priority is neither a selfish nor a shameful act.

The only thing I gave up was excuses.

I've got to thank my MFP family because, really, that's what they are: family. I've got friends who have been around since close to Day One and seen me through my incessant blog ramblings, my peaks and my valleys. YOU men and women have shown great success and it is your motivation, support, and dedication to yourselves that have helped me to realize that I, too, can offer that to myself and to others. I'm proud to call you my friends.

My best friend was my grandmother, and to have lost her in May was quite sincerely the most challenging thing I've ever had to endure. She was only 65 and had so much left ahead of her. My heart still has holes, but I am thankful to have my little family, and my daughter tries to fill them every day.
My grandmother always taught me to take pride in my appearance, and when I was pregnant she asked me if I was "going to try to lose the pregnancy weight right away." It was her words that resonated with me last year on this day and made me get busy. I wish she were here, because I know she would be proud.

I'm not blind to the fact that I've still got work to do .. or that what I have achieved could have been done in a fraction of the time. But, for once, I am looking forward to meeting my new goals.
Because that's what you do when you meet goals -- you make new ones.

Whatever your reasons and motivations, know that they are valid and they are worth it.

Best wishes to everyone continuing on their path to a happier and healthier lifestyle.
You, too, can stick with it ... and you'll be so happy that you did!

Comparison is the Thief of Joy: A Blog Therapy Session

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 03:23:29 GMT

So why do we do it?!

The last couple of days at work have been quite complimentary.

Yesterday, I was called "skinny" thrice, was complimented on my hair twice, and once on my complexion. I was left wondering if the definition of skinny had changed, or if it was Opposite Day ... because I sure don't feel like I qualify, nor would I use that word to describe myself at present.

I thought perhaps yesterday was just my day. I thought it was a one-off.

And then today happened.

Before I was even in the door and had taken off my coat, a man I work with followed behind me: "Good morning, M. You smell pretty."

When I was providing relief to the night shift and receiving an update, one of the girl's first comment to me was "You've lost weight. Like, more than baby weight!"

Shortly thereafter, another male coworker had something to say: "You're looking amazing. How much are you down now?" He was the first person to ask me that. Ever. "Well, it shows!" was his reply after I told him I'm down nearly 60lbs since my pregnancy weight, which is about 32lbs since my first recorded weight after having the baby.

As if that wasn't enough, my manager, as we were discussing something else joined the positivity train: "M, it's been a while since I've seen you. You've lost all the baby weight. You're looking good!"

And my relief tonight said almost instantly: "Look at you! You're glowing!" Huh? We had emergency after emergency today and I was certain I looked like a Grade A disaster.

Thanks?

With so much positivity, why do I perpetually feel like shit?
Oh, right: Because comparison is the thief of joy.

All I could think of was how there's no way I'm even close to two moms I know who had their babies after me. One is posing in sexy boudoir photos and the other is in a string bikini on the beaches of Florida ... months after having their babies. My baby is 13 months old. My baby is a toddler. After a year it's no longer baby weight: after a year it's just weight.

Why do I feel this way?

I look at photographs of myself then and now and while I see a slimmer face, that's it. I see no greater beauty, no smaller frame, no accomplishment.

I haven't had the excitement and thrill of going on a huge shopping spree for the new me. I still wear the same jeans I wore then. I know I'm down over 60" overall, 34.75" of which have been from my waist, ribs, midsection & hips alone. Why has this not happened for me yet?! Sure, the pants are a little looser and I've bought a couple of smaller dresses and shirts, but most everything I still buy in the same sizes as before.

And then I think ... these people must be delusional. I realize that people give compliments when someone is fishing for them and a lot of people can be insincere even without being lured in. These people though -- these 11 people in the past 48 hours, who have all approached me separately and without provocation -- they can't all be crazy, can they?

I appreciate their kindness, but then almost immediately feel uncomfortable.

I've always been what Society would call an extrovert (while I personally dislike the term itself.) I pride myself in being kind andsincere with an unwaivering depth of heart and a rarely-matched wit. That was me before and that remains me now -- it's not like I had some personality overhaul and that's what they're noticing and applauding.

They're really seeing something.

Why can't I?

I've been an emotional basketcase during the past week or so for reasons I won't get into in this therapy session and I am liable to cry at the drop of a hat. It's not like I don't value my own self-worth or recognize the redeeming qualities I have: I'm fairly self-aware and humble.

I remain frustrated. I'm frustrated that it's coming off more slowly now. I'm frustrated that I don't see what everyone else sees. I'm frustrated that I haven't had this miraculous turning the corner wherein I have an amazing ah-ha moment and drop $2K on a new wardrobe because I can finally wear again all that I want to. I'm frustrated that I often still dress myself three or four times before feeling comfortable enough in what I am wearing to go on about my business.

I realize I've always had this "complex." I've always thought of myself as the bigger one, even when I wasn't. I remember a time I refused to join my friends in the pool in my highschool boyfriend's back yard because I felt inferior to my best friends. These are friends who had never once explicitly made me feel that way.

I don't even know where I am getting at with this. I just know that I'm normally stress-free and I am feeling overwhelmed by unnecessary negativity. I live a drama-free life: I have an amazing group of core friends and extended friends that rarely-to-never cause conflict, a family without rivals and a daughter that makes life worth living.

Focus on health, the rest will come.
Set fitness goals, not vanity goals.

You're being vain.

You sound narcissistic.

GET REAL.
It's not all about bench pressing and eating clean and blah blah blah blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah.

I challenge anyone to honestly tell me they are not motivated by their appearances, even in the slightest.

I am not yet where I want to be.

When I finally am, will my mind have caught up with my body then? WIll I be able to say thank you graciously and mean it, knowing their words are true and valid and deserved?

Even the numbers don't wow me. Who would have ever thought I could lose 15lbs, let alone 60?

But then who would have thought I would ever need to?

I never identified as obese. A little overweight, sure, but a lot of people think that of themselves. With the insurgence of people noticing the loss, I'm left wondering: Was I really that big before?!

[[On the far right.]]

Yes. I was.

This was a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant. This is the heaviest, pregnancy aside, that I have ever been. I am probably 30lbs overweight here. This may qualify as obese.

[[9mos pregnant, 225lbs]]

I may have even looked thinner (belly aside) when I was pregnant. My weight distributed more. Contrary to my size, I felt quite beautiful throughout most of my pregnancy.

These photos take me from 198 to 166.4lbs.

I am struggling a lot emotionally.
A year ago I would never have been able to admit this.

MFP has become my safe haven. I have developed so many strong relationships here and they are based in sincerity and support and it provides me with such a positive sense of place.

I still have a lot of grief and anger over the loss of my best friend. I'm currently very angry with my parents.

My manager overheard me saying that I had a shitbag of a day and when she asked me why, I answered honestly: I was, for the most part, surrounded by so much unnecessary and overstated drama and negativity and I'm not used to it. It's exhausting.

And I'm sick of it.

I don't know what I'm accomplishing here, if anything. This is my therapy, this blog here. And I needed a long session tonight. In the past, I'd call up my grandma -- my best friend -- and we'd talk for hours about everything. And we'd make each other right. But, alas, she's dead now and it is damn-near unbearable.

Honestly, I'm so all over the place in my head right now that this isn't even really about how I look. It's about an overwhelming sadness that has been plaguing me, and how I look is only a minor part of that. I don't even know why I've chosen to focus on it. Likely, it's because everyone keeps bringing it up and I am using my displeasure over it to project ALL of my sadness into. How's that for a self-assessment? I've kept it together for 8 months. JESUS -- it's been 8 months. But I've lost my outlet and now I think I'm losing my mind.

Peaks and valleys.
I never know how much, if any, exposure my incessant ramblings are going to receive. I almost feel badly for exposing the emotions: it's only the middle of the first month of the new year, afterall. I don't want to discourage anyone just starting out on their own.
But then ... forget that. If that's you and you stumble across this, you should know that it's not all physical. It's emotional and it hurts and life happens while you're trying to improve yourself. Roadblocks happen and best friends die. Babies are born and things get under your skin.
But there are moments of great pride and great success. And I've felt them. And they shouldn't be completely overlooked by this morose-sounding therapeutic rambling because they are real and they are valid and they are beautiful.
Peaks and valleys.

Thanks for sticking with me through the lower spots.

Workin' on the Night Moves

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 21:21:38 GMT

Sorry, no Bob Seger here.

Disappointing, I know.

Just me, catching up with myself from the weekend and providing a slight explanation for the diary followers that be.

I work in health care. I work night shifts and day shifts, 12 hours, rotating schedule.

This past weekend, I worked nights. This means a 36 hour weekend: 7pm start to 7am finish (ideally.) This means time away from my family, seeing them only in passing as they function as normal beings during the day in the waking world.

Being that I organize my diary in hour-intervals, this is a little problematic for night shifts as my "day" doesn't follow the calendar.

Here's last night's, for example.

1001 - 1400 is empty. I was asleep during these hours from my previous night's work.

1401-1800 holds the first entry. This is because I was asleep from 0800-1500, and only had a small bite to eat before going to work.

I leave the house at 1810 to commute.

1801-2200 holds my dinner. Last night I ate between 2100 & 2200. This was a big meal and I was really, really full.

From 2201 - 0200 I only had a tea.

Between 0201 & 0600, I had a snack with my tea, closer to 0300, and at 0530 I had a banana for breakfast before leaving for my commute home at 0730.

The upper portion of the diary that's not visible here reads 0601-1000. Normally this is empty when I work night shift because I get home between 0730 & 0800, and am in bed, usually, no later than 0830.

Because last night was my last shift, I returned home and was asleep around 0800 this morning. I slept until just after 1400. So, those intervals will be empty today.

I've set it up this way for two reasons:
Schedule - Although my breakfast was consumed on the 13th, it's been logged as the 12th because it technically was my 12th. If I didn't do it this way, I'd have days with 300 calories and days with 3000 calories, depending on what shift I was working because of the date change over.
Self-Assessment - I can see where my peak hunger times are, when I tend to snack more, etc. This allows me to get to know myself better and identify roadblocks to my success that I maybe would not have otherwise noticed on my own.

Night shift calorie days will often be low because we're usually short-staffed and busy dealing with the emergencies of others rather than caring for ourselves. This is the case with last night.

Clear as mud?
:)
I just wanted to clear it up for those who try to be supportive but are wondering why the hell I'm all over the place. I appreciate your support, and I wanted to offer you an explanation so you don't run away from me!

So, it was a busy weekend. Here's a little looksee at a couple of the thrown-together meals:

1 english muffin
ketchup & mustard to taste
1 veggie burger
lettuce

This was Friday afternoon. I almost went to McD's on my way home from my appointment because I wanted a burger and I wanted convenience. Then I remembered how badly I had eaten earlier in the week and was determined to put an end to the cycle.
234 calories & 4g of fat VS 250 calories & 8g of fat. It doesn't seem like much of a difference, but chances are I'd have ordered cheese on the sandwich and a side of fries had I ordered out. THAT would have been 760 calories & 29g of fat. THERE'S the difference. Good girl.
Before leaving for home in the morning, I had a fruit & yogurt parfait, as I like to call it: although by definition, it completely falls short because it was only kiwi, blueberries, strawberries & pineapple covered in yogurt. No whip, no syrup, unfrozen, but absolutely delicious. And at 197 calories it was divine.

1.5 baby bok choy
1/2c snow peas
1/2 of a bell pepper
1/4 of a carrot
4 grape tomatoes
1.5tsp extra virgin olive oil
seasoned with garlic

This was a makeshift stirfry I threw together for Saturday's night shift. I did this because it would taste good warm if I had a chance to sit down, but it would also taste alright cold if I didn't have much time.
160 calories & filling.
I also took a chicken caesar salad that night, with cheese, at 289 calories.

Despite how unbelievably busy it was, Saturday especially, I was working with a good team and we found time to enjoy each other's company while maintaining some of our sanity. Everyone I was working with last night knew my grandma, and we spent a good part of the wee hours of the morning sharing her memory through stories and laughs. And when I welled up, they didn't fail: they shared their empathetic smiles with my sad little heart and let me have the moment I needed to have. Indeed, I have an amazing work family.

======================================================================================================

A Comparison for Later:

This reflects a month difference, nearly to the date.
There's a measly 3lb difference from the December (left) to January (right), and a measly almost 3" overall loss.

Hips. Butt. Inner thighs.

Welcome my 2013 (err .. lifetime?) trouble spots.

Let's not forget where you came from though, OK? Remember yourself, 13 months ago, hours away from calfing a baby?

That's 58.6lbs lost since this photo and over 60" lost in the past 11 months.
OK?
You're doing alright, kid.
Now it's just time to ~~get~~ keep busy.

For those of you who peek in at what I ramble to myself about, thanks for sticking by me & for the eagerness to help. I look forward to catching up with you all this week as I have a bit more time to do so.

LOVES! x

You know, I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today.

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 22:17:42 GMT

Could I cry any more?

I woke up shortly before 2:30am to my daughter crying. It woke me from a dream wherein my Grandma was "visiting" me. It was a similar dream to that which I had a few hours after she passed away and I like to think that the commonality between them was a sign that she was "visiting." It was so real. So, I brought baby to bed with me and cried. Sobbed, really. I was so sad to have been woken up and not be able to "see" her anymore. And then I was even further saddened by the reality that she's not here anymore. And then they were happy tears because it was all a reminder that she is still with me.

And then I cried repeating it to K this morning when he asked me what had happened.

And since, I've continued crying throughout the day. Not happy. Not sad. Just ... tears.
Watching The Biggest Loser.
Cried.
Folding the laundry.
Cried.
Watching my daughter snuggled in watching Finding Nemo.
Cried.

WTF?!

What a sweetheart. Snuggled with Nemo, watching Nemo.

I need to get the shit over whatever is going on. It's not PMS. I'm sure as hell not pregnant again. I'm not psychotic. Maybe it's all just finally catching up with me? My daughter growing, my return to work, my grief, my recent bouts of anger ... ???

Anyway, my goal from yesterday was fulfilled.
I awoke and could very easily have gone back to bed. But I got up.
And I spent my first 81 minutes with the Waking World on the stationary bike. I went to complete 30DS afterward, but it was almost naptime for the little one and I didn't want to jump around and wake her up. It's yet to be completed as of 5pm because I was lucky enough to spend the day with just my girl (you know, like the good old days of a month past .. seems so much longer ago.)

I had a good breakfast, too:

2/3c egg whites
5 grape tomatoes
2.5oz grilled chicken
agua, obviously

After I worked out and baby went for her nap, I made a bite and sat down with my laptop to futher my education and progress in my course.
Keeping up with my goals. Working toward achievement.

After Aubrey wakes up I am going to get her changed & walk over to my inlaws for dinner. Lasagna. Not what I would have chosen, but I suppose we should go visit since they'll be flying out this week and I am working all weekend.

Let's work on no more tears, huh?