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Life on Purpose - Thoughts on Day 1034

Some days I don't really know about life. I have taken a few hits in the last couple of years. Four of five days ago I made it to my third anniversary of the day I suffered congestive heart failure. It's a big deal. You know it took a year to complete Couch to 5K.

Some of you know that I have cancer and I am working through the treatment options visiting different doctors. Cancer sucks.

I lost a whole day worrying about that. :( Then I decided to live. I got back on track with my logging which I was slacking on. My insurance provides a health coach, so I got one. I have a plan with goals and it includes logging daily on MFP.

I am back on track. I still want to lose these last few stubborn pounds!

If I were to make a list of the crap that has gone down in the last few years I would probably shoot myself before I finished writing it. But I am focusing on my progress not my history. I have lost almost 80 pounds and went from a wheezing-fat-old-guy to a slimmer, fitter runner who can knock out a marathon on any given weekend.

How does one live with cancer? You live life on purpose.

You plan to do things you were putting off, and put off things you were planning. You say I love you more and get a second goodbye kiss. You look up friends you haven't seen in a while. You shut out the people that minimize your feelings by saying, "It's early, at least you won't die.", "My dad had that an he was fine." or "My uncle had that an he died."

When surgery has the potential to reduce your quality of life instead of make it better, it's not and easy option to choose.

As surgery number 7 is on the horizon, I am not thrilled - not even close. It's not like my knee surgery or heart surgery which made my life better. It's not the same.

As a runner I have overcome a lot. Most of it was mental. I just didn't think I could do anything. I even had medication and doctors opinions to bolster my excuses. I found a hundred reasons to quit, and only one to help me succeed: a better life. How I feel at the end of a run is the only reward I have. It's not the bling, the cheering, the personal accomplishments, no it's how I feel.

I remember 2 years ago when a 5K was about as daunting a run as I ever thought I could face. I ran it. In less than 2 weeks I will be taking my stupid tumor to the starting line of the Boston Marathon. I really can't wait!

For today, I am logging, flossing my teeth, engaging my family, working, praying and living in the moment. Tomorrow may never come, and I don't know if I've "got this". I don't know if I will win against the Big-C or not. I just know that I am looking forward to hugging my kid, catching a little sunshine, making a co-worked smile, and letting the things of God swirl around in my spirit.

In the mean time, I have signed up for races through until September and I plan on being there.
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