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Why I Hate Running

This morning I was a little late getting started because shoulder pain kept me up for a few hours last night. I usually have a cup of coffee about 5 am while reading my email and copy and pasting "WTG" on my friends accomplishments from the night before. Without coffee, I probably would copy and paste "WTF."

I managed to get one cup in between 6:30 and 7:00; that is just not enough! The lack of caffeine can ruin a whole freakin' morning in a matter of minutes!

It's one of the reasons I hate running.

Today was my 5 mile run training day ** and I wasn't off to a good start. I enjoyed a few minutes of the news and then a pile of political ads came on so I got dressed to run. I feel sort of weird being naked in front of my wife and then walking out the door, but a man has to do what a man has to do. Besides, she called my Nike Combat running underwear gay effeminate.

I kissed her goodbye - I mean you never know if I will come home - and fiddled with my running app on the way downstairs to get my headphones and SmartPhone arm holder. Arm holder sounds like my arm disconnects and needs some support, but arm band sounds like I am a terrorist - but I digress.

I made a pit stop before heading out the door. It was then I noticed trouble on the horizon.

I opened the front door and got a blast to the cool, crisp fall air that gave my nipples an appreciation for my female counterparts.

I try not to run in the same place because it's boring, although; I do have 2 lakes which are always quite beautiful, so I include them. A few days ago I mapped a bunch of runs in my neighborhood in varying distances from 3 to 13 miles. This morning I couldn't remember how the heck to start my 5-miler. As I was bouncing down the sidewalk to warm up, I just decided to run and listen to my GPS in the headphones.

I did a short brisk walk (not the walking the dog walk!) and some stretching on the sidewalk which, always seems to garner the attention of old ladies that want to ask if I am alright. "You look a little pale, sir."

"Yes, well that's because I am freezing my nipples off, but thank you for your concern."

I started down the sidewalk to the likes of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. It was then I noticed my right shoe was loose, so I stopped to tie it. Back on pace I headed up the hill towards the lake in time to see the sea smoke clearing in the dawn's early light and the rockets red glare.

It was cold, and my shin started with this weird pain. I made a mental round of all my joints to see how things were. Too many to count, so I decided to focus on the music. Then my shorts started falling down. Due the low levels of caffeine, I guess I didn't tie them after my pit stop. Instead of stopping I decided to retie them while running at 8 miles per hour. I caught a chest hair in the knot and let out a loud scream. The pain easily eclipsing the shin pain!

I started to settle in after about 2 miles. Unfortunately it was trash day in one of the neighborhoods and for the next mile I dodged stinky cans on the crowded sidewalks. On one lawn I stepped on a stick which fought back by puncturing my right shin.

My new route took me by a school where I met a very nice crossing guard with her hand holding a cup of hot coffee and her other thumb you know where. She didn't seem too interested in doing much to help. I stepped into the crosswalk without her assistance because I am big boy. It was there a school bus ran the light and cut me off. I let out a string of expletives which seemed to get everyone's attention! I muttered, "Forgive them Father, they just don't know how stupid they are." and headed down the road.

With about a mile or so to go, I just wanted to get home and log my efforts because my MFP friends will think I am awesome for not dying this morning.

I hate running, I thought. I trudged on.

Somewhere in the last mile I began to think about how inviting the bathroom was going to be when I got in the door. Thinking about it, I might change my weigh in day to today...

As I slowed to a walk a block from my house, the endorphins starting talking to me, and that's why I love running!

** Some of you know that I am training for a half marathon on Sunday, October 28th. I have been using Hal Higdon's Novice 2.

Thanks for your votes and comments!

145 votes + -

56 comments:

Mustangsally1000 wrote 24 months ago:
Lovely way to start your day...kind of. LOL..Just so you know...frost is coming...soon..this week. you might want to think about adding a shirt..maybe. A muffler, gloves, ear muffs, fingerless gloves (cuz you're tough and don't need the whole thing). Maybe a pair of nipple warmers. Coffee it up! You'll be fine. Muahahahahahaha
rblair_22 wrote 24 months ago:
Your post today has taught me that if I want to take up running to make sure I run the same route everyday, even if it is boring! At least that way I will know nothing will try to kill me! Great post as usual, I hope your day has improved.
MaryRegs wrote 24 months ago:
I love EVERYTHING about this post...and props on surviving to run another day!!
Im_NotPerfect wrote 24 months ago:
This is a fantastic post! I love it! Love your sense of humor and to be honest...my nipples were a bit perky during my run this morning as well! :) Great job on surviving what sounds like a rather dangerous route! :)
runfatmanrun wrote 24 months ago:
Funny, because it happens. And yes, that's why running sucks but I like it, because after a while it just feels good.
Witchmoo wrote 24 months ago:
This is, without doubt, the best blog entry I've ever read on here!!!
bgmomof3boys wrote 24 months ago:
ok I really enjoyed this post! Good morning to you and don't skimp on your coffee!
jfrog123 wrote 24 months ago:
You make me laugh so hard that I swear you are trying to make me pee my pants!
Kekibird wrote 24 months ago:
HAHAHAHAH!! I could have written this because I have the same thoughts every darn day.
Donnaakamagmid wrote 24 months ago:
What a riot! Love you're writing style. Good luck on the 1/2 marathon!
LauraDubbleya wrote 24 months ago:
I'm still trying to figure out how you got chest hair caught while tying your shorts. LOL.. Awesome post as usual!!
michie27 wrote 24 months ago:
I'm wondering the same Laura. LOL!
JenMull44 wrote 24 months ago:
I say the same thing before and after a run. I hate it.....I love it.
nygrl4evr wrote 24 months ago:
Thank you for the laugh, it was really hard to not loudly laugh out at work. Glad you survived to run another day!
progressisbeautiful wrote 24 months ago:
You plowed through it and it's done! But running a different route would probably be a good idea. And you're still healthy to run another day. That's the awesome part.
BobbyDaniel wrote 24 months ago:
1. ROFLMBO!!!!!!
2. The end of run endorphins are way better than the vast majority of my runs.
3. Still ROFLMBO!
odditblue wrote 24 months ago:
I'd send you a present of nipple warmers but those might match your Nike combat running underwear... =D
easfahl wrote 24 months ago:
Loved this one! Was giggling the whole time. Yep, some mornings are just like that.
Mcctin65 wrote 24 months ago:
They make nipple warmers? cool!
Loved reading this! Thanks
vernessie wrote 24 months ago:
Very humorous - lucky for you, what a run.

Swissmiss wrote 24 months ago:
Loved it. So funny.
TriClaudia wrote 24 months ago:
Laughed! So hard! Out loud. At work! So glad you made it through today . . . 'cause since I stumbled on it today, I'm going to read it more often!
farmgirlsuz wrote 24 months ago:
Glad to know I am not the only one who hates/loves running! Sometimes the only thing that gets me out of the door is thinking about the feeling that I will have an hour later! I too am up to the five mile run part of training. Are we INSANE or what?
christinaparlett wrote 24 months ago:
Too funny! I am with you, though. I hate running, but I love the way it makes me feel afterwards! Good luck with your half marathon, they are so much fun!
Chou_In_Motion wrote 24 months ago:
OMGOSH!!! What hoot!!!! I truly almost "p**ped" myself laughing so hard! Glad your safe!! Your Great!!!
JoolieW68 wrote 24 months ago:
Perhaps you should have been listening to Mission Impossible during this run...it seems like it may have fit better :)
MaritaD wrote 24 months ago:
Awesome blog! Good luck on your race!!
JAllen32 wrote 24 months ago:
HAHA! Awesome recap...too funny! Glad you made it through alive! :-)
wisebadger53 wrote 24 months ago:
Always entertaining! Keep up the great work my friend!
Sasasck7 wrote 24 months ago:
Thanks for the actual LOL!
Annette_rose wrote 24 months ago:
lol...you crack me up!!! This is great!!
saudade87 wrote 24 months ago:
hilarious! makes running all the more worth it :)
gc_tweety wrote 24 months ago:
Were you watching my run the other day? It sounds similar minus the attack and add 2 phone calls telling me my son needed to go to the library.I had the falling pants, stupid shoes, etc. I had to cut mine short so that is the only reason I missed out on the fun extras. LOL!!!
Hoppymom wrote 24 months ago:
Nipple solution=flannel pasties?
I am trying to figure out why you caught a chest hair. did you borrow your pants from that Earkle character? lol
I would think that a sweatpants drawstring would catch something else.
Stream of consciousness hilarity!
hollyrunner wrote 24 months ago:
Totally agree...I hate running and I love running. Usually in my area I have to escape a dog or two and crazy thunderstorms that pop up everywhere "South Florida". Terrific blog!! Loved it :)
Jedi_Jewel wrote 24 months ago:
I love this!!!!
badfattitude wrote 24 months ago:
oh dear lord, I am laughing so hard I have tears. That is the best visual ever! You are so awesome.
wclassy wrote 24 months ago:
Great Story!
Fireshadow696 wrote 24 months ago:
I love your writing style sir!
deannarey13 wrote 24 months ago:
Love this! Good for you for your half marathon training! I can't wait to hear how it goes.
burtonhl wrote 24 months ago:
This is the first blog I've read on MFP - good way to start! I would encourage you to do some manscaping if your chest hair is down by your shorts - I'm sure your wife would Thanks for a great read!
rciszek wrote 24 months ago:
I love your writing. I can soooo understand you and I laughed so hard. We have similar writing/corresponding. You should be proud of your awesome run!!
LilGiselle21 wrote 24 months ago:
So motivational I started c25k but didn't finish always had the weather excuse and its chilly here and I don't see how people do it....but I will find out later cause I'm going for a run!
JustLindaLou wrote 24 months ago:
LMBO and trying not to figure out how you caught a chest hair in your shorts string.....
khall83 wrote 24 months ago:
this is awesome! i'm training for my first 1/2 marathon & its in a little over 2 weeks..this was a very entertaining blog!
krankeekandie wrote 24 months ago:
you said you weren't a good blogger, but this blog, in my opinion, would be a great begining to a novel I would read. Good for you to endure such a run. Keep up the good work.
Denjo060 wrote 24 months ago:
another great read
trinaburk wrote 24 months ago:
This was a great read! I'm glad you survived to run again!
ser67 wrote 24 months ago:
This is good, very entertaining read. Thank you
TheRza1986 wrote 24 months ago:
I hate running very much though after reading this I really sould not complain. =)
jassyjan1 wrote 24 months ago:
This is too funny loved it
capie123 wrote 24 months ago:
I always said I'd take up running when i saw one smiling! Now I know why you don't. At 75 I'll stick to walking thanks!
evmoses wrote 24 months ago:
lmbo Newbie feeling stressed now is laughing and motivated! Thanks and Good Luck on your half marathon!
rundsc wrote 23 months ago:
I absolutely LOVE this! I experience the same things fairly regularly but you're right despite the difficulty of the run or problems the endorphines always make better and you can be satisfied that you've done more than most!

I started running last year and have run 3 hlf marathons this year.

Top tips-
1. refuel before you run out of energy

2.wear clothes you're most comfy in

3. ENJOY YOURSELF - it doesn't matter how fast or slow you go, at the end you will have run 13 miles and that's an awesome feeling! Best of luck
MargaretWalks wrote 23 months ago:
Very funny blog! (And the age old question: why DO men have nipples?)
ladytinkerbell99 wrote 20 months ago:
Loved this blog. Thanks for sharing.

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