Some Days It's Hard to Wipe Your Butt
I am scheduled to take massive doses of pain killers starting July 5th. I am going to have shoulder surgery too. The drugs however; are much more intriguing. So I am going to focus on being pain free. I just hope I don't have to sign any legal documents for a few weeks.
You know what's cool about all this? I am in good company having a torn labrum repair. Marian Gaborik of the NY Rangers and Ryan Kessler of the Vancouver Canucks just had their shoulder surgeries this month too. I am feeling sort of important now. They make millions, and already had a bidet. Me, I have to make other plans.
The doctor gave me some instructions to prepare me for life without the use of my right arm. And damn it, I am no south paw! I will have to learn how to dress myself with one hand. I believe I can just wear boxers about the house. I mean I will be loaded on Vicodin, and my wife will probably duct tape them on to keep the kids safe.
One of the guys on my team at work just took care of his son who had the same surgery and he told me to keep the ice going, sleep sitting up and be close to the bathroom. I understand the ice and the sleeping sitting, but I didn't know that close proximity to a toilet had enhanced healing qualities. Maybe I should have spent more time in there and this might not have happened...
Anyway, I started to think about all the things I use my right hand for that are going to have to switch to the left, or can wait 6 weeks. Other then finding my a$$, there are other things that I need both hands for.
Tying my shoes. I guess the flip-flops are going to be back in vogue.
Picking up my daughter. This will have to wait a few months. :(
Taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn. Doing the happy dance in advance. :)
Grilling. This is going to work some how. I'll keep you posted.
Flipping off bad drivers. I can manage only using my left. But I do prefer to expressing myself in stereo. It is not a hand-free activity.
Stuff in my right front pocket. This is where I keep my phone, my chapstick and my contact case. Dang it! My phone has a right handed security pattern that I do with my thumb. I guess I won't be making any calls. I can manage the chapstick with one hand; I have watched Penn & Teller many times. I suppose I will skip the contacts. With all the narcotics I will be taking, I probably won't know whether they are working or not.
Change radio stations in the car. I'll be a passenger, so I am good on this one.
Get my wallet out of my right rear pocket. One of the most painful positions for me right now is that one. It's already on the left. I may make some excuses so my wife has to pay for a few things. ;)
Picking my nose. I am good here to, I can switch hit.
Opening the front door. I don't think my wife is going to let me run around the neighborhood in my boxers. I'll probably take a few weeks off.
Stick my finger in the cake. We actually don't eat cake, and somehow sticking my finger in the humus doesn't do anything for me. Not a loss.
Signing checks. Actually we have online banking and I haven't used a pen in like 5 years.
Brushing my teeth. This can wait 6 weeks.
Wiping myself. I am dreading this.
So, which hand do you wipe yourself with, and can you switch for 6 weeks?
Thanks for all the votes and comments. Yes, you MAY vote and comment!