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New Rules of Weight Loss for Middle Aged Fat Men

1. Don't quit. There is no failure. There is only trying, or quitting.

2. don't talk about fight.... wait, wrong post. Ignore that.

3. You must burn more calories than you take in.

4. Grown men do not survive on juice alone.

5. As you lose weight, you must always, and I can't stress this enough, wear a belt. If not, for God's sake, wear underwear. There are still several people traumatized from a parking lot incident outside of Atlanta last spring. 

6. Walking is not slacking. There is no such thing as too easy of an exercise.

7. Ensure that your wife or girl friend is on birth control. Just because you feel younger and more spry does not mean you are dying to be a dad right now. Right Mark?

8. Get a big furry hat with horns on it. Just trust me on this. 

9. Cardio and lifting are both important. One burns more, the other keeps you strong. 

10. You are not 18. Do not compare yourself to when you were 18. The engine has more miles on it. Just because you feel better than you have in years, you are not working with the same joints you had then. 

11. The cute college girl in the gym is not going to look at you that way, even if you do max out on the bench press and grunt a lot. You are old. 

12. If you need motivation, remember, they say that for every 30 pounds you lose you gain an inch where it really counts. Best Non-Scale Victory EVER.

13. Just because you get back down to the size you were in high school does not mean that the aqua-marine parachute pants in your closet have come back in style. Just don't. 

14. You sweat like a pig. Wipe down the damn equipment! 

15. Diet is the key. You can be a beast in the gym, but if you eat 4000 calories of cheeseburgers in a sitting, all the gym time won't help that much. 

16. Know that the only person in that gym that is looking down on your attempts, is you. Every other person in the world worth knowing is supporting you. No matter how out of shape you are now. 

17. Beer is not evil. It is proof that God loves us. 

18. No matter how buff you get, a bad attitude will still cause women to shun you.

19. Take pictures at every step. Especially at the beginning when you can't stand to look at them. As you make progress, they will be a huge motivator. Not taking before pictures is just planning to fail.

20. Get out more. Push your limits. Do things you haven't been able to do, or were embarrassed to do. Take your life back. 

21. This process does not have an expiration date. This is a long term change. Until you look at it that way and let go of some behaviors, you will have problems. 

22. Chicks dig muscles. 

23. Brag on your accomplishments. Be confident that they are real and that you want others to see them. Stop hiding. 

24. Did I mention the 30 pounds = 1 inch part?

25. The bigger you are, the more important a good pair of shoes are. As you lose weight, the lateral stresses on your ankles and arches will decrease and you can be more forgiving of old footwear. In the beginning, spend the money. 

26. Deodorant before the gym, seriously. But please say no on the cologne and body spray. 

27. No amount of weight loss will make you pretty. You either got it or you don't.

28. You aren't getting any younger, what are you waiting for? A near death experience?

29. Find people (like on MFP) that know where you are coming from. Find ones at the same place you are so you can spur each other on, and find ones that have already lost the weight and learn from them. 

30. On a similar note, just because a guy or girl has abs, does not mean they don't have the answers and don't know where you are coming from. Just because they didn't let it go to the extreme that you did does not negate their knowledge.  

31. Worrying about things like loose skin, getting bulky, or any other "problem" that could come from weight loss is a straw man. It is an early attempt to make excuses and rationalize quitting if you don't think you can do it.  

32. The only thing that food fixes, is a bad Super Bowl party.

And finally, the most important one, after rule #1.
 You are a far better man than the one you see in your head. 

145 votes + -


parys1 wrote 40 months ago:
That is all kinds of awesome. Special mention for numbers 6, 8 and 12.
Railr0aderTony wrote 40 months ago:
Ain't gonna stop the midnight Blogger. Awesome post and true as the day is long. AHTH
DontStopB_Leakin wrote 40 months ago:
As always, another fabulous blog from Hoss. I especially love 19, 31, and the last one.
simplyjustme wrote 40 months ago:
You are just awesome!!! Always funny but to the point. The hat is the best!!! The added inches are well something too :)
Alex_is_Hawks wrote 40 months ago:
Amen. Just that. Amen
ohnstadk wrote 40 months ago:
Number 11 makes me laugh the most - being int he same age group as mentioned lol.

But all is wonderful advice!
JeninBelgium wrote 40 months ago:
sharing with husband :-)
chooriyah wrote 40 months ago:
babeinthemoon wrote 40 months ago:
Awesome as usual!
ImNotThatBob wrote 40 months ago:
kristafb wrote 40 months ago:
Loved every bit of this post! Thanks for the laugh at 430 in the morning :)
SarahCW1979 wrote 40 months ago:
Love it! Now, where to get a furry hat with horns on...
mytman wrote 40 months ago:
Angie2822 wrote 40 months ago:
I love it.
oohmercyme wrote 40 months ago:
You da man Hoss. Keep on keepin on :)
ianandmand wrote 40 months ago:
HAHA, ou DO NOT talk about FIGHT C....... quality!

And I hear you on rule 10!
BeingKevin wrote 40 months ago:
Nice! AHTH
JimLeonardRN wrote 40 months ago:
Man are you talking to me? AHTH!
scloyd wrote 40 months ago:
Definitely was worth reading. Thanks Hoss.
MKLAMAN wrote 40 months ago:
Love it! Especially #7. All hail the hat!
elenathegreat wrote 40 months ago:
A big shout out for number 16...says it all. I love ya, Hoss-baby:)
MaryBBrown wrote 40 months ago:
I kinda teared up at the last one..hate hormones. You are a brilliant writer, Hoss! Love this one to pieces!! Get yourself published, for really!
harlanJEN wrote 40 months ago:
Love it !! But ...have a bone to gnaw on with you about # 9 . You shoulda known THAT was coming ; ) # 4 most definitely .. Will add : grown men should not eat like "girls" . Eat like WOMEN. more on that later . ROARRRRR. gotta go. Have something to deadlift
BeachGingerOnTheRocks wrote 40 months ago:
Love it! (When can I wear the hat?)
tonicandgin wrote 40 months ago:
Muddy_Yogi wrote 40 months ago:
Hoss you rock. This should be posted in every gym across america! I no joke!
LeoSoares35 wrote 40 months ago:
Man u rock.. Love it... ! Want you as a friend.. for sure... good day!
firemanfive0 wrote 40 months ago:
Awesome job buddy...enjoyed reading it. thanks
jdhosier wrote 40 months ago:
Well said, Oh Grand Poobah! AHTH!
opalescence wrote 40 months ago:
I need one of those hats!

This was a fantastic read and my favorites were #6 - #20 & #29 (thank you dearly for #6)

#13 made me laugh the most. I adored my parachute pants and now I wish I had them in aquamarine lol.
likitisplit wrote 40 months ago:
I think you're being too exclusive. These rules apply to just about anybody (except maybe #12 - sadly women tend to shrink in the areas they'd like to get bigger)
Phxflyer wrote 40 months ago:
Well done . . . an oh so true!
jenr8er wrote 40 months ago:
This is just awesome.
dsjohndrow wrote 40 months ago:
My kind of humor.
redladywitch wrote 40 months ago:
cbeutler wrote 40 months ago:
Sweet I was up vote number 69 my old football number.

My rule: This won't always be fun, but if it is never fun you are doing it wrong. Cherish every victory large or small. Remember every time you feel strong, or fast, or powerful, or funny, or sexy. They will carry you through the times when it isn't fun.

Compare yourself to the you of last month, not anyone else. If you can kick that guys ass you are on the right path keep walking.

Lastly, if the advice sounds like some bs someone heard on Oprah, or Dr Oz or Dr Phil assume it is stupid. Feel free to point and laugh. And keep doing the simple things that are working.
ChangingDad wrote 40 months ago:
So much awesomeness in this post. Thanks Hoss.
Skinny_Laurie wrote 40 months ago:
Absolutely love this post! #20 Rocks!! Thanks so much for sharing this!
RickF41365 wrote 40 months ago:
I'm printing this out and posting it on my bathroom mirror.
nicintime wrote 40 months ago:
MedinaR66 wrote 40 months ago:
Would you like another friend? I need friends. Enjoyed your post.
psv1012 wrote 40 months ago:
Great post, most points aren't just for men (obvioussly a couple are for men only)Lol, great points for women also !
wizbeth1218 wrote 40 months ago:
I love this... I think maybe I love you. Are you single?

Oh wait... I'm not. ;)

Oh well, I still love the post.
TheNewo wrote 40 months ago:
I voted this up before i even read the blog because the title made me giggle
7Neil wrote 40 months ago:
Loved it Hoss - and all so relevant to m!
Dawmer299 wrote 40 months ago:
I really do have to dig out my hat....
paleojoe wrote 40 months ago:
This is awesome! Thank you for posting this.
anorangie wrote 40 months ago:
Thank you. I felt uplifted after reading this. Seriously.
garlic7girl wrote 40 months ago:
I love it!!!!!!!!!!!
Bownzi wrote 39 months ago:
Thanks.... it made me feel more empowered for what I am attenpting to do...
namnod wrote 39 months ago:
Wow! I think you said a lot there. Thanks for the inspiration. It is now copied and when printed will be put on my mirror. It also deserves a place hanging in my locker at work. thanks again for the motivation.
Aarjono wrote 39 months ago:
Love it!
lavender22 wrote 39 months ago:
love it:)
dazzo62 wrote 39 months ago:
Love it - so funny!
swat1948 wrote 39 months ago:
I am not a guy but I love this and lots of it applies to us women too!
Katiepiepie wrote 38 months ago:
Really enjoyed reading your blog, your style is very witty!
EDollah wrote 37 months ago:
Excellent! I'm still laughing. If you were a Monty Python fan, rule 6 would be "There is NOOOOO..... rule 6"
FishingGuy75 wrote 36 months ago:
Best Post EVER!
vtmoon wrote 35 months ago:

I needed to read this again today.
MrJThomasEsq wrote 27 months ago:
Just cause it's funny don't mean it's not the truth!
Anonymous wrote 2 months ago:
So far this is the most helpful for my situation being a middle aged overweight male. the information is 100% on the money if you are being honest with yourself regarding weight loss. thank

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