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Negative Comments

Over the weekend I attended a wedding of a good friend.  The day was beautiful, we were in wine country, everything was idyllic.  My family and I were in a great mood, it was a happy laid back day.  At the reception I was talking to an acquaintance, who noticed my weight loss.  I was telling her a little about my journey, how I was getting healthy. 

Then her friend who was sitting there listening to us piped up and said “all that work and your still fat!” I was so taken aback that I didn’t know how to respond.  I turned to the person I was talking to and said thank you, and walked away. 

I walked back to my seat almost in tears.  It brought all that wonderful positivity that we had going that day and crushed it.  I felt bad, not only from what she said, but the fact that I didn’t respond.  

I didn’t want to make a scene, and I know my husband would have made a scene, so I kept it to myself until we were in the car.  On the way home I told them the story, and asked what they would have done. My brother, dad said they would have punched the person, or made some physical threat.  My husband said to bite them back with a cutting remark about some physical issue they have going on.  My mom said I was right in just ignoring it. 

I’m not one for physical violence unless necessary.  A negative remark back, would have made me feel a little better right then, but knowing me, later I would just feel bad. And ignoring it didn’t make it any better.

Some people are just negative.  They wake up feeling bad, they go to bed feeling bad, and all the time in between they thrive on making others feel as bad as they do.  When people that make rude comments, whether it be that you are too “fat” or too “skinny”, it’s because they feel the need to make others feel as wretched as they do.  They’re trolls and you should never feed a troll.

 I contemplated on the issue the whole two hour ride home.  What would have made me feel better about that confrontation?    My husband noticed I was particularly silent and tried to cheer me.  He made a very funny joke and I was immediately taken out of my funk when I started laughing.  I felt so good sitting next to my darling husband, having a good belly laugh. 

It stuck me then that that’s the answer.  You laugh.  

I should have taken what she said as some sort of morbid joke and just laughed.  Said, “yeah its taking me some time, but I’m worth the wait”.  I have found that laughter can conquer all bad feelings.  If you turn the rudeness into a joke, you take all the power away from the troll.  And it makes you feel better because you’re not being confrontational, rude or sarcastic.  (Don’t get me wrong I’m all for sarcasm and confrontation, you just have to use it in the right way.)   

When I hear a rude comment, I go thru so many layers of negativity.  First I’m embarrassed, then I get annoyed, then I’m mad at myself for not sticking up for me.  Then it goes deeper.  I get depressed, feel worthless.  All because some troll made a rude comment. 

That is no way to go thru life.  There will always be bad people.  There will always be strife and road blocks.  I have to do my best to get those negative thoughts out of my head. 

I think laughter is the key.  It’s coming from a strong place.  You can brush off what the troll is saying because you are not giving the troll what it wants.  You’re taking the power back. 

Laughter really is the best medicine, and a great troll killer. J

I have no style

Yesterday I was trying to get dressed for my brothers birthday dinner.  I looked through my closet trying to find something somewhat decent to wear.  All I could find were shapeless blouses that don’t look good on anyone. 

 I have no style.  I try and get cute tops and pants, but when I try them on, all I can see is my rolls and fat ass.  So I retreat to my black t-shirt and jeans. 

Last night I found a top that I’ve never worn.  I tried it on and again all I could see was my pouchy belly.  Normally I would have put it back in the closet, but I decided to wear it and just be embarrassed.  Before we left my husband pinched my butt and said, “damn, you look sexy.” When I got up to my brothers dinner, my mom told me how great I look, my dad said he could tell I was losing weight and I looked great. 

In the past I would have just shrugged them off and retreated into my shell.  Since I’ve started this journey I’m finding it easier and easier to accept what people say.  For the rest of the night I felt proud of myself and I felt sexy, and pretty.  Because I felt better about myself, I was able to give back to the party a confident, happy person, who laughed a lot and actually had a great time. 

it got me thinking about style and clothes and looking your best.  I have spent my adult life hiding from the world.  my uniform of a black t-shirt, jeans and sneakers allowed me to fade into the background. 

I’ve never been a girly girl; I don’t really like shopping, shoes or make up.  Most of the time, when I leave the house, it’s my t-shirt and jeans with no make-up and my hair in a bun.  Last night got me wondering if maybe I’d like to be a girly girl.   

I’m finding it easier to see what I’m might look like when I reach that ultimate goal.  I like that person, and I’m excited to get there.  And now when I think about it, I know I want to be happy in clothes.   I want to look in that three way mirror and see a poised well-dressed woman who is ready to take on the world. 

Even before that, I want to feel better about who I am now.  I want to stop ordering my clothes on line because I’m embarrassed to go into the store.  I want to rock some plus size clothes and look sexy and confident. 

Since I’ve started this journey,  I’ve gone from a frumpy girl who thought very little of herself to someone I can be proud of.  The more steps I make toward my goals, the better I feel about myself and my place in the world.  It’s that thinking that makes the bad times easier to deal with.  When I look in the mirror, I’ll probably still see a lumpy frumpy girl, but that bad thought can be thwarted with the knowledge that I am doing something great.   

I’ll keep that positivity the next time I go shopping, hopefully for a smaller size.  J

weight loss as a side effect

This weekend I had lunch with my mom and some of our close family friends.  During lunch, the three other ladies wanted to know what my secret was to losing weight.  I told them I’ve been exercising every day, eating smaller quantity and sticking to my calorie goal.  This got them on the subject of diets.  Each of them had tried and failed at a number of “diets”.  Then Cindy turned to me and said, “you must have a secret, you look so much better”. 

I told them that since January 1st, I’ve been on a path to get healthier.  To feel better about myself.  I was exercising every day for at least a half hour but usually an hour or more.  I’m eating better food, in less quantity so I can stick to my calorie goal. I told them that my goal is to get healthy; the weight loss was just a side effect of that. 

Until I said it, I hadn’t thought of weight loss in that way.  Now that I’ve said it, it really makes sense.  What I’m doing is not a short term thing.  I’m in this for the long haul.  I have changed my direction in life.  I’m so much more interested in my non scale goals then my weight loss goals.

Getting healthy doesn’t necessarily mean losing weight.  I’m already healthier and I still have over 100lbs to lose.   I’m feeling better about my life and who I am.  That has nothing to do with the scale or my weight. 

It’s easy to get caught up in what the scale says.  I have been weighing myself everyday just to see the fluctuations.  In doing that, I’ve driven myself crazy because the scale is not moving. 

I have a different outlook since the weekend.  The scale is just one tool to check progress.  There are so many better ways to check progress.  I’ve set a few non scale goals that mean more to me than seeing my weight drop. 

I can feel myself getting healthier.  I’m stronger, I have more stamina, it’s easier for me to get out of bed in the morning, and I sleep more soundly.  I’m reaching goals I never thought I could reach, and I have so many more left to accomplish.   None of that shows on the scale. 

I’m doing this to get healthy.  I’m doing this to make changes in my life.  I’m doing this to get back to me.  The weight loss is great, but really, it’s just a side effect. 

I have to admit, it is a pretty good side effect.  J

that which does not kill us

Everyone has some misfortune and difficulty in their life.  Overcoming that adversity is what makes us strong and ready to take on the world.  All of us on here have had struggles getting to the point that you want to commit to becoming healthy. 

 I love the saying “that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.” It rings very true for my personal adversity.  My struggle has made me a more resilient person, something I never thought I’d be. 

Around twelve years old, I started having suicidal thoughts and severe mood swings.  I kept it to myself because my parents were going through their own struggles and I didn’t want to burden them. The mood swings were just chalked up to teen drama.  Every day I became angrier and more depressed. 

In my late teens I turned to drugs and alcohol.  I was trying so hard to mask these horrible thoughts I kept having.  Sometimes they would be so loud that when I would drive home through this little forest, it was all I could do to keep my car on the road. 

The drugs and alcohol didn’t make the thoughts go away. In fact it made everything much worse.  My anger was so bad I was blowing up at anyone who crossed me.  I was crazed.  My friends were enablers.  When they were out with me, they would purposefully get me as drunk as possible because they thought it was funny.  There are more stories than I like to admit of me doing crazy things while I’m drunk.    

When I was 24 I hit rock bottom and I made my most serious suicide attempt.  I took the pills and immediately paniced.  I could die from what I just did.  It was then that I reached out to my parents and told them what I had done.  As scary as that was, it got me on the road to recovery.   

In the last 12 years, I’ve stopped drinking, doing drugs and smoking.  I’ve been through 4 psychiatrists and have tried about 20 different combinations of drugs.  Because of the medication, I gained a lot of weight, took some off and then gained again.  But it was all part of my recovery. 

I have fought through a lot of my demons and have come out the other end a much stronger person.  All of the work, all of the struggle has led me to a better version of me.  Now I’m strong enough to focus on me, my weight loss and becoming a healthy happy person. 

It would have been easier to have a normal life.  But I’m glad I have the problems I do.  It makes me strong.  It makes me thankful for the life I have.  Adversity is there to test us.  Are we going to take the easy way out or are we going to fight for our lives and for our sanity.

That, which does not kill us, makes us stronger.  Truer words were never spoke.  

goals

this weekend I met a goal I didn't even know I had.  my husband and I drove up to the San Joaquin delta to meet my parents and spend the night on their houseboat.  in order to get up to the street from the parking lot,  you have to walk up a 6ft hill that is pretty steep.  in years past, that hill always killed me. by the time I got to the top I would be panting and completely out of breath. 

this time, I got to the top of the hill, and I wasn't out of breath, in fact I felt great.  not only did I get up the hill myself, but I had a duffel bag, a back pack and two grocery bags full of food.  I know I would not have been able to carry all that plus walk up the hill 4 months ago.  I am so much stronger, have some much more stamina.

I've had my head down for the last 4 months, just working on getting a healthier routine, that I never spent time thinking about my goals other than my weight loss goals.  this weekend I got to thinking about all the things I haven't been able to do in the last 10 or so years.  

growing up my family and our friends spent a lot of time on the water.  we'd go camping at lakes, and spend time on this old houseboat all the parents bought together.  all the kids learned how to knee ski around 5 years old, double skiing around 10 years old.  by our teens we were single skiing and wake boarding. 

I was never as athletic as the other kids but at least I could pull myself out of the water.  that is until I was in my mid twenties.  I remember the day I tried to pull myself out of the water and couldn't.  it was a blow.  I just gave up after that.  when I would go back up there, I would stay covered up in the boat watching everyone have a good time. 

now I'm ready to try again.  my goal is to be able to get myself out of the water by the end of summer. my goal is to be able to run along the levee with the other kids.  my goal is to be able to kayak. my goal is to be lazy in the sun in my bathing suit.  my goal is to be able to swim to the swim platform.    

my goals may be simple, but when I reach them, I know I'll be back to a place in my life that I enjoyed.  I'll be back to me.  its going to be hard, I'm going to stumble.  the key is to get back up and keep going.  i have the will, i have the determination.    

I will achieve my goals! :)

Accountability

since I was 10 years old, I've been a closet eater.  I would sneak candy, cookies, junk food.  I would eat ice cream and try and make it look like I hadn't.  I knew what I was doing was bad for me.  I knew that if I was hiding the food, I probably shouldn't have it. 

my younger brother and my dad were very hard on me as a kid.  by comparison, my brother was tall and muscular and could eat anything.  my dad was an amateur body builder.  they could eat what they wanted and not gain weight.  I'm not sure why, but both of them took it upon themselves to break me of the habit of eating junk food.  every time I would eat a cookie or a piece of cake, they would be sure to tell me how it will make me fat. 

so I started hiding food.  even as a small child I've had an unhealthy relationship with food.  there's a audio recording of me at 3years old asking my dad if I could lick up the spilled chocolate pudding.  my dad and brother weren't all wrong, the way they went about it was very wrong. 

I'm still wrestling with my bad food relationship.  I log all my food, but I have found that sometimes I cheat.  I lie to myself.  I still hide food.  I still sneak bad food.  now when I sneak, its to keep my husband from seeing my eating habits because I'm ashamed of myself.  I still have the little girl inside me that wants and craves the food, but knows I cant let anyone see. 

there is no reason I should hide food from my husband.  he loves me and cares for me, and would never make me feel bad about eating something. 

about a month and half ago, I closed my diary for the first time and got a negative response. it threw me. now I have to hide food again.  I'm being judged.  I wanted to go eat butter pretzels. 

I know I'm the only one I should feel accountable to.  I also know that I'm not ready for that.  I need to be accountable to someone outside myself, so I can get the courage to be accountable to me.  I need to open my diary and let others see what I'm eating.  I need to be honest with myself and others. 

I'm not a little girl anymore, but I still have that mindset floating in the back of my mind.  binging and then feeling guilty.  sneaking food, lying on my diary.  I have to grow up.  its time to be a 36 year old, not a 10 year old. 

since I started this journey in January, my dad is so proud of me.  he even apologized for being hard on me as a kid.  my brother is the same.  my old tormentors are now my biggest cheerleaders.  that goes a long way in healing my past hurts.

I'm so fortunate to now have so many positive feelings coming my way.  my parents, my brother, my husband, and all my friends here, helping me become an accountable adult.  I can promise that I will try my hardest, and do my best to be a healthy happy grown-up. 

I will be accountable.  

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