I'm not writing this for anyone but myself. I need to sort out what is going through my mind right now and I'm too lazy to figure out what I changed my passwords to on my other blog websites.
My grandma told me last night that my step dad (who adopted me when I was 12) went to the doctor late last week because he had a spot on his face that was getting bigger. He was told that it is skin cancer. Supposedly, if they remove the spot - the cancer will be gone and my dad should be fine. I know that I am an outsider to the entire situation - that I wasn't in the room with them when the doctor told my dad the news. But, I am terrified. What if they remove the spot but the cancer isn't gone? What will happen then? Will he end up with more spots? And if so, will removing those spots get rid of the cancer completely?
If that weren't bad enough news, she then tells me that he's been short of breath and passing out. While at the doctor about his face, he mentioned it to the doctor who took his blood pressure (was VERY high apparently) and insisted that he have a stress test and some other heart tests. He's had high blood pressure for many years and the doctor is concerned that there may be some underlying heart issues going on.
So, not only does he have skin cancer - now they're concerned about his heart.
My mother and I are not speaking, so I have to find out all of my information via secondary sources - like my grandma or sisters. My dad is VERY private person and just doesn't discuss any sort of health issues with any of us. It took years for him to finally tell us he was taking high blood pressure medication. He's just not the kind of person who openly discusses how he's feeling (heck, he won't even call into work if he gets a cold!).
I'm scared for my dad. I'm scared about these tests. I'm scared about the skin cancer. I'm just plain scared. He may not be my biological dad, but he's my dad for heaven's sake and he isn't well.
Now. Here comes the part that pertains to MFP.
I want to eat. I want to eat and eat and eat. Yep, I want to eat away the fear. I want to eat away the sadness. I want to eat away all of the emotions I'm feeling right now. I know, deep in my logical mind, that eating won't solve what is going on. It won't make my dad not have skin cancer nor will it make all the heart test results be good. I know this. But, right now.. Right now.. I just want to sit on the couch, eat some almonds, some licorice and perhaps the rest of the donuts from the orchard, cry and try to unburden my mind of the stress I'm feeling.
Posted on 9/30/2011 by chevy88grl
Not logging is getting easier and easier with each passing day. I still find myself mentally adding up my calories, but I don't have that burning urge to run to my computer and log my food every single time I eat something - and that is nice.
It is funny how changing one thing (not logging) has actually eased my mind a lot. I don't feel overwhelmed or tense anymore. I am still eating what I want to eat, when I want to eat it - and I am still following the serving sizes of it. Nothing has changed, except I don't write it all down anymore.
I went to the gym on Thursday and I went again last night. I wanted to go on Saturday, but we brought Clyde home and I didn't want to leave him home alone while we went (my kids were with their dad). I'm still doing strength training but I have gone back to a bit more of a cardio focus. I feel like for me and my body? I need more cardio. I notice that when I cut back on my cardio - I start to look spongy. Now, in theory this shouldn't be true since I am doing strength training but ... it is how I personally feel when I look in the mirror after not doing as much cardio. I've been doing the incline trainer because it burns a ton of calories. On Thursday, I burned 710 calories in 60 mins on it and last night I burned something like 400 in 30 mins! I haven't seen these kind of burns since my early weight loss days when I was in the 170's or 160's. I saw a big decline in my calorie burns as I got thinner, but these machines? They kick my butt! My goal is to be able to do 60 mins on a 30 incline - right now, I'm not even close to that. I can do 21 or 24 but I can only do them for like 15 mins. I find my legs are fine - it is my breathing that slows me down. Maybe once my lungs are 100% it'll be easier? I don't know. But, I find this machine sweet. And I noticed last night? It has a polar heart rate monitor built into it.
I need to keep myself moving in the right direction and I think taking away the obsessive logging issues have definitely helped.
Oh and I was 143.5 yesterday and 144lbs today. Funny - I stopped logging my food and my weight went down. Weird, huh?
Posted on 9/26/2011 by chevy88grl
As I stated last night, I have logged my food, exercise and water for the last time. Since I have a tendancy to turn everything into an obsession - I feel that it is better for me in the long run to just stop.
Do you know how hard it is to not sit here and put my food into my diary? To not log my water? To not wonder if I should log the cleaning I did earlier? It is tough. I've been logging my food nearly everyday since April of this year. That's a long time to do something and then suddenly stop.
I know it will be good for me to not do it anymore, but this first step is hard. Kind of like when you take that first step towards weight loss? It's a tough one. You feel scattered and unsure of what to do. That is how I feel today. I've caught myself many times today trying to add up my food in my head. As soon as I realize I am doing it - I stop. I don't want to spend my life adding up food in my head anymore than I want spend it logging it into this website.
Tomorrow is my birthday. There are two red velvet cupcakes in the cupboard and two ribeye steaks in the freezer. I will tell all of you this - by this time tomorrow night there will be no more cupcakes (good!) and no more steak (dammit). I plan to thoroughly enjoy my birthday and not think one moment about calories. I am planning to go to the gym tomorrow. I need to get my motivation back on track.
I have to say I kicked ass at the gym last night. Burning over 700 calories in 60 mins is pretty darn amazing for someone my size. Maybe I can convince my body that we don't need the belly and love handles anymore?
Yeah. Probably not.
On a different note, I've gotten a lot of messages from people today asking me to please reconsider deactivating my account. They said that there are a lot of people on here who look up to me and need my support in their journey. They are honestly the reason I still have an account today. I don't want to let anyone down. I know I wish I would have had more support during my journey. More people who understood me and helped me. So, for now... I am going to focus on the social side of this site. To help others through the same struggles I faced...
Posted on 9/23/2011 by chevy88grl
I'm overwhelmed and I'm burned out. I feel like logging everything is becoming too obsessive for me. I am in maintenance and I honestly do not want to spend the rest of my life logging my food, my exercise and my water intake everyday. I don't want to do it and honestly, I simply can't do it anymore.
I think logging food is a great tool. It teaches you to read labels, pay attention to serving sizes and most of all to have a written account of what you're putting into your body. But, what if you always read labels and make a good choice each time you buy something? What if you are fully aware of serving sizes and can now eye just about anything accurately? What if you are fully and totally aware of the stuff you're putting into your body everyday?
Do you still need to log?
I thought I did. I continued logging even though each and everyday my weight was the same. It seemed like the ONLY thing that affects my weight is medications. It doesn't matter how far over my daily calories I am - I never see a gain. The only time my weight goes up is if I do not eat enough. Crazy, huh? But, it is true. One or two days won't affect me, but if I start going more than 3 or 4 days way under - I see a gain.So, as long as I continue eating the way that I have been - I should be just fine.
I know how my body works. I know what it likes and what it doesn't like. I know all of this. So, why I am logging still?
On top of it, I haven't wanted to go to the gym. Tonight was the first time I've been there in almost 2 weeks. I can't tell you why I don't want to go - I just don't. I'd rather curl up in my bed and read a book. I used to LOVE going to the gym. I wanted to go almost every night. I looked forward to the time I spent there - it was a great way to de-stress. I hated taking my couple days off a week and let me tell you -- that week off once every 4-6 weeks? Painful. I couldn't wait to go back.
Now? Trying to get me to go is like trying to convince a dog going to the vet for a shot is fun. I don't want to do it. I'd rather do just about anything else.
I want to enjoy my new lifestyle. I want to enjoy the body I've worked hard to achieve. I want to have that feeling about the gym again. The one that makes me anxious and actually excited to be there - not like I'm walking down the long hallway to death row!
I think I need to just relax. My boyfriend told me that I know what I am doing and perhaps it is time to move into maintenance totally and completely. What he meant by that is - no more food logging, no more exercise logging, no more water logging. Simply put - do what I did in the beginning and stop obsessing.
I think the best way to achieve this is to deactivate my account on here. To go back to the way I was before I found this site. To be careful about what I eat, workout, drink water and enjoy life. Stop with all the obsession.
Posted on 9/22/2011 by chevy88grl
I've done calorie zig zagging a couple of times, but I never really paid much attention to how it affected me. I kind of just did it because... well, everyone else was trying it. Talk about a follower, huh?
This week I started off on the very low side - I think on Saturday I had almost 500 calories leftover. I simply wasn't that hungry. I ate until I was satisfied and that was it. I knew I'd probably be quite hungry the next day since whenever I have one low day, the next day I am usually really hungry. Well, I was right. I went over by something like 500 calories on Sunday. On Monday, I was back under again (not by a lot, but under nonetheless). I was starving again yesterday and was over by... oh, about 1000.
I decided since I seemed to unintentionally zig zagging, I'm going to give it my full attention this week. I haven't felt like going to the gym in almost 2 weeks now. I am hoping I'll feel like it on my days off since I know I need to get myself back into the habit of going. Kind of off on a different side of things - I've come to realize one thing. We switched gyms recently and our new gym isn't on my way home from work. It is about 20 mins or so from my job and 10 mins or so from home. I find that since I don't have to pass it on the way home? I don't want to go after work. I know it seems silly because I have workout clothes, shoes, deo, etc in my car. Our old gym was on my way home. I had to pass it in order to get home - there were many nights when I didn't want to go, but I did because I realized that I should as soon as I started to drive by it. Since this gym isn't on my way home - it is almost like out of sight, out of mind. I like our new gym, but am actually considering paying for a membership to our old gym too - simply because it is on my way home. I'm not sure I want to pay for a double membership though when I know I'll only wanna use the treadmills at the old gym. And I have to be honest - I feel like I'm not getting as much of a workout from the treadmill anymore (don't get me wrong - I still love to run and since I can't run outside, the treadmill is my only option). I really love the incline trainer at the new gym. I don't know. I will have to think about it.
Okay. Back to what I was saying - sorry for getting off topic.
Anyway, I decided to see what happens when I zig zag my calories for a week or two. So far I'm not seeing anything different on the scale, but I've only been doing it a couple days and sometimes my body needs almost a full week to realize I am messing with it. Not only that, but I've been at work Sun, Mon and Tues (have to work tonight too) and I KNOW I burn a ton of calories at work. So, am I really throwing my body off kilter if I'm consuming these calories on days when I work? I don't know. But, I'm bored with what I'm doing - so it is time to change things up. I may try this for a couple weeks and see what happens. Then I may raise my calories really high (around 3000) everyday for a couple weeks and then lower it to 2000 for a couple weeks - just to see how it responds. lol.
Three days til my birthday! :)
Posted on 9/21/2011 by chevy88grl
Well, my friends... I stumbled last night. Actually, I may have even fallen but I picked myself back up today. I dusted myself off and I am trying to look forward and not focus on the past.
You see, I haven't been sleeping very well. I am plain out exhausted if I'm totally honest with all of you. There are times during the day when I am struggling to keep my eyes open at all. Unfortunately, this isn't normal insomnia that can be solved by paying closer attention to your bedtime routine, drinking a glass of warm milk (which just sounds ick to me, by the way) or any other "insomniac" sleep fix. I can fall asleep just fine - usually within 30 mins or so of getting into bed. The problem comes later - usually after I've been asleep for 2-3 hours (sometimes it happens as soon as 1 hour and as late as 4 hours).
I wake up and I can not breathe. Now, before everyone flips out and sends me private messages demanding I see a doctor - I must say simmer down. I've seen a doctor - seen more than one of them in last month. I know what is wrong - I have an inflammation in my lungs. Most of my MFP friends already know about it. I am supposed to be taking anti inflammatory (Motrin) medication for it. When I do, it works very well and I sleep rather well. So, why not take it you ask? Because it makes me have horrible, terrible, wretched kidney pain. I have called and spoken with the doctor about it and his answer was "Unfortunately, sometimes high doses of Motrin do that to people. Drink more water to help flush it out".
Easy for him to say, he isn't the one who has to deal with it. The pain is so awful that I find myself skipping the medication to save myself from the pain. What suffers is my sleep and actually my overall ability to function and cope.
Last night I woke up after only sleeping for a short time. I got out of bed and went into the kitchen. I hadn't taken the Motrin and I knew the only way to go back to sleep was to take it. I knew I had to eat something, so first I grabbed a cheese stick. Then before I knew what was happening - I had a cupcake in my hand. The "new me" was screaming "NOOOOOOOO!" while the "old me" told her to shut her damn mouth. No one cared what she wanted us to do.
I ate the cupcake, dammit. I promised myself when we made these cupcakes (which are red velvet and homemade - my favorite!) that I would only have 1 of them a day. They are for my daughter's birthday, my boyfriend's birthday and also for my birthday.
To say I am disappointed in myself is an understatement. As I was consuming that cupcake in the dim light of my kitchen, I felt as though time was slipping backward. This is an old, nasty habit that I have - getting up at night and consuming junk. I used to do this on an almost nightly basis and then I wonder why I weighed 203lbs? All the hard work that I've put into losing this weight fell away - all I could think about was that damned cupcake and the satisfaction I would feel after I ate it. I wanted to shake myself out of it. Shake loose the old feelings of using food for comfort, but I couldn't. I just continued to cram that damn cupcake down my throat.
I'm ashamed at myself. I really am. I know everyone will say "It was only one cupcake - not the end of the world" but I've done so well. This is the first time in a LONG time that I have felt the need to binge and the first time in over a year that I have allowed myself to fall victim to that urge.
Please, do not feel that I am searching for sympathy or looking for pity. I am not. I am simply writing about what I am feeling after what happened last night (jeez - I make it sound like a one night stand, huh? lol).
I have been very careful today and actually have 270 calories leftover for the day. There's a part of me that is worried I will wake up in the middle of the night and will find myself having a repeat performance of last night. So, I am considering eating something else before I go to bed.
I'm going to take the medication BEFORE I go to bed. Then I hopefully won't wake up with breathing issues. If I do wake up, I won't feel like I have to get up and eat because I will have already taken the medicine. I will get a drink, lay there and calm down (because waking up because you are unable to breathe scares the shit out of you) and try to go back to sleep.
I know that I have to let this go - otherwise it will fester inside of me. It's just hard when you stumble. I know one extra cupcake isn't going throw off 18 months of hard work - but I do not want one cupcake to lead to another and another and another.
And I should mention - getting rid of the cupcakes isn't an option for me. Throwing them away or giving them away isn't facing your weakness - it is running from it. I need to face it and conquer it in order to feel like I've accomplished what I've set out to do and to move forward. Plus, it is extremely unfair to ask my boyfriend and daughter to give up something THEY enjoy simply because I can't keep myself under control.
Posted on 9/19/2011 by chevy88grl
It seems I've lost my motivation and no matter how hard I look for it - it is hiding very well from me.
I have no desire to go to the gym right now. I've gone a couple times and I do okay when I'm there, but definitely isn't my usual gung-ho, let's kick ass attitude.
I know some of it is my damn lungs. While they are definitely better, I'm still struggling some with breathing - especially after I've worked 3 or 4 days in a row. I know the air at work isn't the best - with dust, cardboard particles, etc in it. But, I can not a) take time off or b) wear a mask so I have to do the best I can with it. I have horrible kidney pain from the medicine so I've been trying to really limit how much of it I am taking. Heaven knows I don't want to do some kind damage to my kidneys too.
I'm exhausted because I am not sleeping very well and then I have to get up at 6:30am Thursday and Friday to take my kids to school. For someone who is a night owl, trying to make myself go to bed early is nearly impossible. My body is programmed to go to sleep around 2am and trying to convince it that we should go to sleep around 11 or midnight is nearly impossible to do. On those days, I am dragging myself around all day because my sleep is such a mess. Add in that those are the only days I can run errands, pay bills, etc and I'm just plain worn out.
I've been trying very hard to keep my eating in check since I just can't seem to get myself to the gym. I have every intention of going every morning when I wake up but by the time I've worked, run kids all over the place and everything else -- I'm tired and I want to sleep. I do not want to go to the gym. I know I should force myself, but I just do not have it in me right now.
I'm not sure what to do. I've been trying to cut myself some slack, but I'm getting tired of "slack". I know everyone says "Go! You'll feel better if you go" but really? When I go? I don't feel better. I am light headed, dizzy and threatening to throw up all over the place. So, while that thought process DOES work - right now? I hate the way I feel after I'm done, so I just don't want to go at all.
Posted on 9/18/2011 by chevy88grl
One year ago today I crossed my fingers and stepped on the scale.
One year ago today - I hit my original goal weight of 150lbs.
One year later - I have not only maintained that original goal weight, but I've actually dropped a few more pounds and am happily maintaining 143-145lbs.
Here's to many more years!
Posted on 9/15/2011 by chevy88grl
I've mentioned this in a blog before and actually since I wrote the last blog, things have been pretty quiet with these people. Until last night.
I have a work "acquaintence" that is severely overweight. She eats horribly and she drinks Coke like it is going out of style. She will comment about how she is overweight, but you can tell she isn't interested in losing the weight - so I never say anything when she remarks about her weight. I know that she isn't asking for help, advice or anything - so I don't even waste my time trying to help her. She's notorious for harping on the way I eat, commenting on my weight and all that jazz. I do my best to ignore the comments because I truly believe they stem from a deep jealousy that I have the motivation, dedication and determination to not only lose the weight but to keep it off too.
I wore a t-shirt to work last night that isn't one of my favorite shirts. I couldn't find the shirt I wanted, so I settled with this shirt. It isn't too small - if anything it is a little too big. But, when you get moving around, the bottom of it likes to climb up. So, I feel like I am constantly pulling it back down, adjusting it, etc. Anyway, apparently in my "adjusting" last night - I pulled the shirt tight to me. Now, I do not remember doing this. I do, however, remember pulling on it, tugging on it, and being really annoyed with it. She comes up to me and says "Holy shit! You are REALLY skinny! I didn't really realize how thin you are until you pulled your shirt tight!". At first, I thought it was a compliment and was a wee bit leary of her and the comment. You see, her complimenting someone is a rare occurance so, I was waiting for the other shoe to fall. I was correct in my assumption that it was NOT a compliment and that there was more to come.
I was right. A little while later, she comes up to me and says "Look. I think you are too thin for your frame. Not everyone can pull off being as thin as J (another work acquaintence) is". I said "Funny. I wasn't trying to be "as thin" as anyone. I'm being the size *I* want to be and to hell with what everyone else is doing!". She then says "Are you eating? Because I think you're losing more weight (I'm not) and I'm truly worried that you've taken a good thing - working out and eating well - too far. That you've taken it into eating disorder land".
I laughed and told her she would be SHOCKED at what I eat in a day. Shocked. I told her that I appreciate her concern (I was fuming mad and TRYING to remain calm and pleasant so I don't say something that will make me lose my job) but I am just fine. I am in a healthy weight range for my height, I'm not trying to be like anyone else, etc. That I'm happy, healthy and content.
She can't let it go - she never can. She asks everyone if they want anything from up front since she's going up there for a pop. I tell her "No, thanks!" (I had JUST come back from break - I didn't want nor need anything. I was full from my protein bar!). She starts in on me again... you know, you CAN eat a candy bar and you won't die from it. It won't kill you, I promise.
I rolled my eyes and replied with "No, one probably won't. But, I'm not hungry and I don't want it. Plain and simple. If I was hungry or if I wanted it, I would have it. I eat whatever I WANT. That doesn't mean eat just to eat. I don't eat if I'm not hungry". And I walked away.
A few hours pass and I am steaming about her and her comments. I truly wish she would just LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't comment on the 5 or 6 20oz bottles of Coke she drinks in a day. The 3 packages of Snickers she can consume in a 5 hour shift or whatever. I honestly do not care what she eats. Eat whatever you wanna eat. Eat dog shit for all I care. IT DOES NOT MATTER TO ME.
She let me be for awhile because I think she knew I was pissed off. But, of course.. once she starts with something she can't just let it go. Oh no.
Awhile later, "J" mentions that we should all get together on our day off and do something. We are all usually off on Thursdays. Why don't we all get togther and go bowling or something? I laugh and tell her I suck at bowling, but I enjoy it.. so, why not?
Of course, the big mouth has to butt in. She says "Why don't we all go to Applebees or Chili's for dinner and then to go the bar?"
I said "I don't drink and I don't go out to eat. Why can't we just go bowling? Then the people who want to drink, can and the ones who don't want to, don't have to! Why do we have to do things that you KNOW I don't do? If you don't want me to go, fine. I won't go. No skin off my teeth. But, don't ask me to go and then decide we're all going to do something that you KNOW one of us isn't interested in doing. It's bullshit and you know it".
She gets an attitude and goes on a 10 min rant about how *I* feel like everyone should accommodate ME because *I* eat bark, sticks and grass (uh, okay? I'm not a deer for God's sake!) and how SHE wants to go out to dinner and to the bar and why do we have to do what *I* want to do? I replied with "That's funny. *I* am not the one who suggested we all get together. And *I* am not the one who suggested bowling. So, why are you acting like this with me?"
Because I choose to not drink? (I don't care if everyone else drinks. *I* choose not to drink for a lot of reasons. The main one being it makes me feel sick - even one wine cooler or one mixed drink gives me horrible heartburn that can not be controlled with my heartburn medication. It also makes my stomach burn. And usually, it makes me throw up - even though I'm not drunk. My body just doesn't want the alcohol in it. It doesn't like it. I think my body has a tough time metabolizing it, so it figures if I'm gonna consume it -- it's gonna throw it back up to get it out of there. I was like this BEFORE my lifestyle change. Not only does it make me sick, but I have a long family history of alcoholics. Plus, I don't want to waste my calories on something to drink that makes me feel like crap) Because I choose to not waste my calories on eating out somewhere? (If I'm gonna use up 1000 calories on a meal, I would just prefer to prepare it at home. That way I know exactly what is going into it, how it has been handled, etc) Because I choose to make better choices for myself? Really?
Then she tells me "You know. I might be a big girl, but obviously the guys here love me because I have a whole bunch of them that wanna get with me. Can YOU say the same thing?"
My reply? "There isn't a guy in this place that I want "get with" especially since a) I'm not attracted to ANY of them and b) I have a boyfriend. So, go you. I don't care".
It's just a constant pick, pick, pick at me. I try and avoid her, but we work in the same area at work. There isn't much I can do. It is hard to avoid someone who works so closely to you.
I try and be the bigger person and not jump down her throat because really? It doesn't do any good. It just goes back to the whole thing of why do *I* have to defend myself? Why is it that because I eat well, everyone assumes I eat twigs, bark and grass? Why? I know she is jealous. I know this. But, that doesn't stop the way it makes me feel when she's harping on my protein bars, my sugar free energy drinks or the fact that I don't eat every piece of chocolate within my reach.
Posted on 9/13/2011 by chevy88grl
Someone commented on one of my blogs recently and what he/she said really hit home. I don't eat better simply because I want to keep the weight off (though it is a HUGE factor in my eating better), I do it because of how I feel. Making healthy choices makes me have more energy, sleep better and overall I just feel better. Whenever I have a day of not-so-great eating I lay in bed that night wondering what possessed me to eat what I did. I usually wake up the next day feeling sluggish and blah. And the majority of the time I have a horrible stomachache.
Now, this isn't to say you can't enjoy the foods you love. But learning to enjoy them in moderation prevents the above reactions. No more will I gorge on a piece of cake or have a huge bowl of ice cream. Nor will I eat the entire box of Godiva chocolates. I will eat a small amount - enough to satisfy me and then I will put them away and move on with my life.
I feel like I have taken back the control when it comes to food. I used to allow food to control me, but now *I* control it. I don't live to eat anymore - I eat to live. Yes, I enjoy life's little pleasures but I do not allow those pleasures to overpower the healthy choices in my life.
It takes time, patience and a lot of determination to place food back in its place. If we all had a healthy relationship with food - I don't think any of us would be here right now. It's all a learning process.
I just want to say that it feels awesome to know there is a huge cake in the fridge and chocolates in the cupboard and quite honestly... I don't want either one of them. I will be okay if I don't have another piece of cake or another Godiva chocolate. I can not tell you - I really can't - how HUGE this is for me.
Posted on 9/12/2011 by chevy88grl
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