June 18, 2011
I want to thank everyone who replied to my last blog. I don't normally talk about my personal life in a weight loss blog - honestly, I don't usually discuss my personal life at all. I tend to keep it to myself.
I was just so damn angry with him the other night. Normally, we communicate through text messages or emails. But, this situation was one that HAD to be discussed over the phone. We couldn't "talk" about it through texts or whatever. What started as a low key conversation quickly turned into ugliness. He and I were married for 13 yrs and together for 14 yrs. So, we definitely know how to push each other's buttons. Normally, when he starts pushing - I turn my phone off or delete the emails without reading them. Basically, I dont' allow him to drag me into an argument. Unfortunately, he said things that he KNEW would push me over the edge. Looking back - I should have hung up the phone. I realize that it was MY fault for allowing it to continue. I should have ended it right away - normally, I would have. In most cases, I put my foot down when he acts like an immature douche bag. I should have followed that same plan of action the other night. But, I allowed myself to be drawn into his out of control ridiculous behavior.
I'm really proud of myself for not eating my feelings. I can't begin to tell you how big of an accomplishment that was for me. I felt like I could climb the biggest mountain afterward. I wanted to hug myself for not allowing him to drag me into an emotional eating binge. Yes, I argued with him - but, dammit.. I didn't comfort myself the same way I used to comfort myself.
I was still simmering about it yesterday, so I did Tae Bo AND I cleaned my house. Today, I am over the anger. When he acts like that it reminds me WHY I left the marriage to begin with. I've always said I wasn't perfect while we were married, but I have not only admitted but apologized for my poor choices and behavior at times. He won't admit any fault at all. He just always blames me for everything.
I'm really hurting today. Not sure what is wrong with me. Back in March I ended up having to have a wisdom tooth extracted because it was basically coming apart in my mouth. I had gone to the dentist because I actually thought the pain was radiating from another tooth. They said it was a "pain transfer" situation and told me ALL the rest of the teeth on that side were "great". Well. The pain is back. The same throbbing, aching feeling that I had before - only now? The wisdom tooth is gone. So, why am I hurting? What is this pain I'm feeling 3 months later? Ugh. I can't afford MORE dental bills (especially since I am still paying off the extraction), but I may have to cave and go in. It is bothering me. I have a headache too and it feels sinus-y. Yesterday my eyes were watering and my ears were hurting. So, I am wondering if it is allergy/sinus related?
I feel like I am falling apart. lol