This morning, one of the radio stations I listen to regularly was taking calls about children or pets interrupting or intruding on sexual situations. I immediately thought about a cat I got in college, and her affinity for being able to find the worst moments to do things.
Shortly after I got this cat, my roommate at the time had a boyfriend that the cat really liked. The cat was still trying to figure things out in the house, who her "friends" were and who her "enemies" were, and hadn't settled herself with me quite yet.
One evening, I hear a very loud male yelp coming from the next room. Apparently, said roommate's boyfriend was lying on top of the bed, completely naked, after their recent escapades. My cat decided to jump up on the bed and snuggle next to him. As the natural body processes of shrinkage and twitching within his penile region occurred, my cat saw this process and decided to start batting at it with her paw... which was thankfully declawed! Needless to say, I think this was the moment that the cat discovered that wasn't the place for her, and she never tried sleeping with my roommate and her boyfriend again.
Fast forward a few years, to an amorous afternoon between myself and my husband. I had this spectacular wing back armchair with an ottoman that fit right up against it (it was like a twin bed with a back and arms) that we utilized on a regular basis. My hubby was partaking in some rather tasty tacos, and I was enjoying myself immensely until suddenly he jumped up off of me as if someone had lit his ass on fire! Well, it wasn't lit on fire, but it was ass related.... The cat, in her infinite lack of wisdom, came up behind my hubby while he was in a hands & knees position, and sniffed right between his bunghole and ball sack where the skin is nice and thin, and full of nerve endings.
Needless to say, this killed the mood for quite a while that day... and due to the fact that the hubby almost landed ON said cat after the event occurred, the cat never came near us in flagrante delicto again....
Posted on 11/04/2013 by bynsky
#1 - trees that have been cut down, stripped of branches, and just left to the elements make the best place for boys to play
#2 - never set up your tents near trees that have been cut down, stripped of branches, and just left to the elements
#3 - make sure you have a battery powered air pump in case the camping area picked by the group leader has ZERO electrical outlet ports
#4 - your children won't speak to you unless they can't find you, and then they'll yell "MOM" at the top of their lungs where you can hear it and recognize their voice at the bathroom 1/4 mile away
#5 - be sure to tell your child more than once that you're going to the bathroom so they know where you are, and have them repeat it back to you so you know they actually heard you
#6 - every adult will tell you when your child has been looking for you for up to 20 minutes after that child has already found you
#7 - getting woke up in the middle of the night by a little boy who's never camped before requires a 10 minute conversation of why he needs to put shoes on to go to the bathroom, why he shouldn't pee on/near a tent, and why he needs the flashlight.
#8 - little boys who are half asleep and not at home forget to pull out enough not to pee all over the front of their pants instead of outside them
#9 - going back to sleep on the ground with a semi-full bladder is impossible
#10 - never go camping without knowing the following morning is the first day of duck hunting season (thankfully I was already awake before the first shotgun blasts went off)
#11 - getting a child that's not your own to do anything is near impossible because they aren't familiar with your tone
#12 - coffee out of a French press is GOOD!!!!! thank god they didn't make the campfire coffee my dad described from scout camp!
#13 - it's much easier to pack up tents and sleeping bags without allowing the boys to help
#14 - random items from other people will end up in the tent shared by 2 boys, and neither boy will know how (a coat and a pair of socks... the coat I understand, but the socks?!?!?)
#15 - boys will not pay close enough attention to whether they're putting on their own clothes or their friends when hastily getting dressed in the explosive mess that their tent has become
#16 - do not trust children to pass out donuts without them eating 1/2 the bag themselves (they told me they ate 3-5, but bragged to their father that they ate 11-12)
#17 - I am WAAAAYY too old to sleep on the ground... my ass hurts more than it does after leg day, and I think my chiropractor will be getting a call today.
Now, hopefully I remember these things before the NEXT campout, cause of course the boys can't wait to go again!
Posted on 9/23/2013 by bynsky
I love dressing my boys up for Halloween!!! After talking about the slight drama I had with the boys this AM over their costumes, I put this together for someone else to see, and thought I'd share with you all.
This was one of my favorite years...
they were both ghosts one year
older boy was Goofy one year, and this is how he fell asleep after trick or treating
another one of my faves
little man refused to get a Luigi costume this year, but they still had fun
and last year they were total hams
The plan this year is for the older boy to be Wolverine, and I'm looking forward to gooping up his hair. oh, and not the yellow spandex Wolverine either! Little man is probably going to be Green Lantern. So I guess it'll be a DC/Marvel showdown...
Posted on 9/20/2013 by bynsky
So, I finally did it. For the first time in 10 years I joined a gym/club so I could start lifting heavy shit. I did the tour last night, and plan to go in tonight to find my "max" lifts and figure out a program.
However, last night the feces hit the fan... my hubby, I love him dearly, was saying a lot of the stuff that really doesn't follow what I've seen works around here.
"You can't just lift weights... you still need to do your shred or another DVD... yadda yadda yadda"
SAY WHAT?!?! I know I can't cut out the cardio, but does he think I'm going to the gym to just lift light weights? If so, I could continue to do that at home.
So, I bring up that I need to get away from the house cause it's hard to focus on working out, especially on the weekends when the kids are home. I swear, when they interrupt me when I'm doing the 30 Day Shred DVD I want to lift them by their throats and toss them up the stairs... something about Jillian just makes me angry and since I can't punch her, well... not that I ever would do that to my kids but seriously she makes me want to cut a bitch.
"but you won't be able to lose the fat around your stomach just by lifting weights and doing your running and biking..."
Uh, increasing your muscle mass increases metabolism and helps with burning fat which in turn would make my stomach shrink. Am I going to get visible 6-pack abs? Not unless I decide to cut carbs out of my diet and try to "cut", but that's not what I want to do anyway.
Argument ensues... feelings hurt... comments about his paranoia making him wonder if I'm cheating on him cause I don't want to exercise at home... jealousy over the fact I'm trying to get healthier and he's looking & feeling like crap... le sigh
So, what do I do? Stroke the ego a bit, and quit trying to argue with the 48 year old brick wall. I tell him I know that he's not at a point where he could work out with me, but that I would love it if he could someday. And, I just let it lie.
Now, I just need to remember not to rub it in his face when I prove him wrong. I mean, I did get "make up sex" for the first time ever from him after our little discussion, and that's saying something!
Posted on 8/20/2013 by bynsky
#1 - Being the last people loaded on the shuttle bus from the Capital Complex to the Fairgrounds when you have two small children means that not only do you have to try to hold on and keep yourself standing upright, but your center of gravity is completely screwed by a creature clutching on to you for dear life!
#2 - Small children who normally get yelled at for standing on the school bus think it's cool to stand up at the front of a city bus and look out the big window.
#3 - Provided you are willing to sign the waiver, you can use small children to try to win more prizes and get more free bottles of 5 Hour Energy. Actually, we learned this last year, but it was repeated again yesterday.
#4 - Drinking cups without lids should not be allowed at the state fair, no matter how old you are! This should apply to beer as well.
#5 - Caramel apple funnel cake should have been invented YEARS ago and readily available for cheap breakfast on a daily basis.
#6 - Old men think it's funny when you scold a child for not staying by you, and offer to "grab" said child just to freak him out.
#7 - To a 6 year old boy, the giant ball sack of the Big Boar looks like poop.
#8 - If you don't know what the shape of a "silly band" is supposed to be, it cracks other adults up when you tell your child it's a drunk cactus. (hey, it was green and it really didn't look like anything but that)
#9 - As a mom, your vertigo does not trump a child saying he is scared of heights and you have to calmly make him feel better.
#10 - It makes people laugh when you tell your children they can not do the "grape stomp" at the winery, nor can they sample the "juice".
#11 - No matter how excited an 8 year old boy is at finding all 11 items on a scavenger hunt to win a prize, when he gets the 6 that were the minimum needed he no longer wants to find the other 5.
#12 - I still have the "goods" to tease a carnie into getting a free 2nd ride on the Ferris Wheel even though my hubby & boys were in the "car" with me!
#13 - Not only are 6 year old boys sad about being too short for some rides, apparently 8 year old boys are sad about being too tall for rides they used to go on.
#14 - Thankfully I remembered which side of the Scrambler you get pushed too, or my 8 year old would have been pancaked by the older kid they put with him.
#15 - Apparently my 6 year old can make puppy dogs eyes good enough that he got free prizes for him and his brother from the girl running the "bell ring" Midway game.
#16 - Little boys will try to play hide & seek anywhere when they're bored, even if there is no place to hide.
#17 - If I mention that it's odd that we hadn't run into anyone we knew at the fair, I will see people that I know twice within a 20 minute period.
#18 - When driving home and you see a billboard of Jesus where in the distance at night he looks naked instead of wearing a loincloth, do not describe it within earshot of your children as showing his "twig & berries" cause then you'll have to explain it, plus then they'll start using their inflatable guitars and making the same references with other circular and round fruits.
#19 - Next year, I think we're going to go to the fair on a Sunday and take the day after off of work!!!!
Posted on 8/14/2013 by bynsky
OK, it's been a while since I had something to ramble about. I've been mulling over something from this weekend, and I need to get it off my chest cause, well, with the size my chest already is there isn't room for much more on it.
This weekend was my youngest minion's 6th birthday party, and my 92 year old grandpa drove down to visit and join the fun. This man has been my inspiration, hero, teacher, mentor, etc all my life, above any other family member. This is the man that taught me how to roller skate, ride a bike, fish, cut down trees, paint interior rooms, do woodworking projects, pick strawberries, hit golf balls, change my oil, and on and on and on. I spent about 2 weekends a month with my grandparents, and 2-3 weeks every summer with them as well.
For the first 14 years of my life, I was the only grandchild my grandpa had. So, he did things with me that were gender neutral. And I didn't care. I loved watching football and basketball with him. I enjoyed listening to his stories. I appreciated his combination of experience, stubbornness, and humor. And I still love all those qualities about him to this day.
When my hubby first met my parents, he was confused cause he couldn't see any of my qualities in either of them. But then he met my grandpa, and it all made sense. So, obviously my life was extremely influenced by him.
Now that I've given you the "back story", flash forward back to this weekend. As I'm waiting for other guests of the party to arrive for my wonderfully smoked brisket that I was in the process of making, I decided to get the tent I had purchased for my older minion's upcoming scout camping trip. I called the boy outside to help put it together so that he would learn how.
My mom and my grandpa (who happens to be her dad) were sitting on the deck and watching me. I found out later as I was helping my boy with his tent that at one point my grandpa looked at my mom and said "she should have been born a man".
Now, part of me understands this as a compliment, but at the same time it felt like a bit of a dig. Does this mean from his older generational point of view that he's looking down on me, or even my hubby, for the fact that I'm doing this sort of thing with the boys?
I wish I had heard this comment, so I could have explained to him that it was his influence that made me the way I am. Because of him, I want to know enough about everything to be able to do as much as I can by myself. Because of him I try to be as involved with my boys as he was with me. Because of him I have 2 jobs in order to try to provide for my family and make sure everything seems as normal as possible for the kids. (plus the fact I have the same "itch" that he does where I can't be still for long periods of time or I feel like I'm going crazy)
My mind is trying to form the words so when I talk to him next that I can tell him that my personality and desires are due to him.
And, I'm PROUD of the fact that I am a GIRL and can do things just as good, if not better, than any man could do them. Thanks Grandpa!
Posted on 7/22/2013 by bynsky
Yep, you read that right... 1002! I hit 1000 on Saturday, and would have written this then but I was too busy working on my sunburn at the 3 soccer games in a row that my 2 minions were playing.
I've been at this place since June 2010. I'm not sure at what point I decided that if I was going to be here I was going to commit and do it every day (oh wait, obviously 1002 days ago), but seeing another friend of mine who had been cranking out the daily loggings I figured I needed to check in daily myself in order to make sure this truly became a part of my daily routine. (shout out to jessmomof3 who's at day 1246!)
For you beginners or restarters or "I really want to stay consistent with this but sometimes it's so hard"-ers, I will suggest this, set MFP as one of your homepages!
I will be honest, I've tried to lose weight before I came here. I did the shakes, the crazes, the fads, the pills, and guess what? None of it worked... or should I say it did but as soon as I started eating real food again the weight came back, sometimes plus some! I will also be honest, I've gained some of my weight back even since coming here, but you know what, I'm still WAY healthier than I ever was before I came here.
OK, everyone always wants these, so here's some pictures. I suck at taking selfies, and while some of you might be sad to hear this, I don't have any underwear/bikini shots to share. Just not my style. Plus, I'm usually the one behind the camera, so there aren't a ton of pictures of me out there.
Now, first off, here's a picture of me with a group of friends. I'm on the far right, and seeing this picture (plus finding out I weighed more than my mom, which REALLY freaked me out) is part of what prompted me to finally do something about my body and make sure it worked! This was taken in August 2007, less than 6 weeks after my youngest minion was born. Now, I didn't actually SEE this picture until years later, so it's still my starting point. I know my highest weight prior to popping the alien spawn out of my abdomen was about 235, so I've always guessed I was about 210 here.
This is me with my hubby in March 2010, 3 months before starting here on MFP. I have no idea what I weighed in at.
And now June 2010, the same week I started MFP. The first time I got on a scale it said 188.
And, less than 1 year later... May 2011 when I had gotten to my lowest weight of 150
Now, late 2011 and early 2012 were very tough for me. My grandmother, who helped raise me like a second mother, passed in October 2011. Then my 13 year old nephew passed in January 2012 from complications of his severe cerebral palsy and contracting meningitis after one of his surgical procedures. At the same time as all of this, I decided I needed to refocus on losing fat and gaining muscle.
Unfortunately, I had a weight set back, but I was learning to run for the first time ever! I never ran, not even in jr high or high school; I was always that girl on the sidelines who pretended I had cramps, or asthma, or whatever other excuse I could come up with to get out of running. But, in October 2011, I began the Couch to 5k program.... and I finished it in July 2012. Yep, the 9 week program took me 9 months! However, I live in the middle of Iowa and don't own a treadmill, so there were some time periods where I had to sit out for a few weeks due to weather or illness. But, I did it!
My next goal, after seeing the AMAZING results it has given others (shout out to yoovie, bbygrl5, laughingdani,DontStopBLeakin, and ipuffyheartcompeting) is to start lifting heavy things! I'm working on doing what I can at home, but once the minions go back to school in the fall and so I don't have to worry about selling one of them to pay for it, I'm joining a gym. YES, you heard that right, I've done all this so far WITHOUT a gym membership.
I've run outside, biked outside, swam (in the summer only due to my chlorine allergy) outside, walked outside... and also done the 30DS a few times (increasing the weights each time and used my elliptical at home. Plus, I've changed my eating habits. Nothing drastic, just some healthier choices and smaller portions. I still eat pizza, ice cream, chocolate, cake, fried chicken, pasta, bread, etc... but smaller portions or less often than I used to.
I don't log my food every day. I don't kick myself and act like it's the end of the world if I have a bad day. Every day is a new day. And I've succeeded in my mind due to all the friends I've met here that have encouraged me, and continue to encourage me. I've met amazing people during my time here, who not only are trying to change their habits and lifestyle, but also have a snarky, sarcastic, evil, sadistic sense of humor like me (shout out to IamRoJ - my sistah from across the rivah, OkieinMinny, odusgolp, "the clown" and many many more - I'd list you all but it would take up too much room).
Now, while some of you reading this may want to send me a FR so I can help you achieve your goals, that's not why I'm here. You need to find people that are like you and can help you. I don't have the answers, I don't give pats on the back just cause you logged in, lost 0.2 lbs, or burned 92 calories cleaning your toilet. What I want you to take from this is you can do it! Commit yourself and you can achieve anything. What I have achieved so far is to make myself healthier, happier, and (according to others) look younger than I did 13 years ago! Here's a wedding pic from 2000 followed by a pic from last summer:
The next time I'm here, I hope I'll be reporting that I'm the same weight, but that I'm all bulky, and muscly, and beautiful! Good luck to you all on your missions! And, I hope to see you in 1000+ days.
(DISCLAIMER: this post is TAME compared to my usual fare. You may see some sparks of humor, but I'm keeping my typical crazy, twisted humor in check here. Do not randomly send me a friend request because you think I can help you reach your goals. If you understand any of the following sentence and still want to be my friend, send a request with a rebuttal or quip that makes me know you're as crazy as I - You're a hoopy frood that always knows where his towel is, you would prefer yellow spandex, you know that purple's a fruit, you know that DP can also stand for DrPepper but it still makes you giggle, and you know what I'm describing when I say "it's like pulling apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich.)
Posted on 5/20/2013 by bynsky
So, here's the deal. I'm a slight believer in fate. I mean, when my husband found out what date my birthday was he was shocked out of his skin cause that was the same day he was almost killed during Desert Storm/Shield back in 1991. So, obviously something intervened and made him bend over when that bullet came by that day to keep him from dying so we could meet.
Now, when I was a kid I went to a church with a HUGE musical base. There was one family there that had their own band that performed at the local fair. When I was 6 years old I started taking guitar lessons from the son who played guitar, he was 17 at the time. Yes, I thought he was VERY cute, but at the time I didn't think much of it cause he was WAY older than me. Instead, I crushed a little more obviously on his younger brother. However, in this pic you can't deny that I had a crush on him based on my almost shy pose (note, he did have a styling Magnum PI mustache going on!)
Flash forward to about a year ago when something occurred to me! I'm married to a man who looks oddly similar to my first guitar teacher, is 11 years older than me, and HAS THE SAME FIRST NAME as said person! I was floored! Does this mean that the cosmos found me someone that was similar, or was this first major attraction what based my decision on the perfect mate, or was it just sheer coincidence that I was placed in a circle with a man who was eeriely similar to the man I was destined to marry????
No, I don't dwell on this, but it does seem strange. Even a few months ago when my hubby & I went to see the band that my old guitar teacher is in currently (with said younger brother mentioned above who's aged REALLY badly and I can't believe I chose to crush on him, but I digress) and I realized that my husband has a similar personality as well. Granted, my hubby is a lot more twisted, but I prefer that! *evil giggle*
So, what do you think? Here are recent pics of both my hubby and the guy who was my first guitar teacher... yes, they're different, but the similarities are obvious...
I guess - thank you universe for showing me the way to my hearts desire before I was even old enough to realize what I was after. Now, why did you make me date all those "stupid heads" in between????????
Posted on 5/09/2013 by bynsky
Those of you that are friends with me have heard me talk about how my youngest son is a complete and total "mini-me" of my husband. Well, last night he did something that I wanted to strangle him for, but at the same time it made me laugh.
Flashback to about 13 years ago... it was the first real thunderstorm of the season. I'm sleeping very soundly (as I always do when it storms) and I get shook awake by my hubby cause he's all excited that it's storming finally. I glare at him, and tell him to go shut the windows since he's awake and he says he will.
Now that I'm awake, I have to pee. So I get up to use the bathroom. I come back out and see the windows are still WIDE open and he's in bed still. I say something to the effect that he said he would shut the windows, to which he replies "I did!" Uh, no, he didn't... so I shut them all and go back to bed.
The next morning he couldn't figure out why I was cranky and a little miffed at him. I told him why, and HE DIDN'T REMEMBER A DAMN THING! He was asleep the entire time, even though his eyes were open and he was responding to conversation. (I've never let him live this down)
So, back to last night. I'm sleeping soundly when I feel a sudden desire to open my eyes cause there's something out of place. My youngest is less than 2 inches from my face, and tells me there's a thunderstorm. Now, most of you would expect that this would be cause he's scared since he's only 5. No, he just felt the need to wake me up to tell me.
And, when I asked him this morning why he did that.... he didn't remember doing it!!!!
*wanders off in search of caffiene*
Posted on 4/09/2013 by bynsky
So, a year or so ago I was at a wedding where the cake was a tie dye jello cake with buttercream frosting. Thanks to the lovely elemenopee's yummy frosting recipe, I decided to try to recreate it.
step one, bake cakes (I just used regular white boxed cake mix, works best if you find one without "pudding in the mix") and pour 4 different Jell-O flavors (lemon, lime, berry blue & cherry - only add hot water portion to Jell-O) over it, poking multiple holes in the cake for it to sink through
step two, get cakes out of pan after Jell-O has soaked in and cakes have cooled (gotta love cold weather outside to assist with this since I had no room in my fridge!)
step three, frost cakes with my first ever attempt at buttercream frosting (and it is spectacular)
step four, cut cake after it's been spending approximately 12 hours taunting me with its existence and devour!!!!!
while I'm not going to win any points on my decorating technique (and I learned why professional decorators always put some frosting on the board under the bottom layer - thank god it didn't slide ALL the way off) this is probably the best birthday cake I've ever made for myself!!!! and, making the frosting, I learned I definitely need to invest in a KitchenAid stand mixer!
Posted on 2/25/2013 by bynsky
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