Azlady7's Blog

I am happy to say I have less than a hundred pounds to go! Finally! This was a huge success for me since losing 10 lbs use to seem monsterous. I have lost a total of 89 lbs and now 90 doesnt seem so bad! :)

 Before anyone obese really ever starts this journey doubt crowds your mind and keeps you stagnating in unhealthy choices. I remember in a sort of subconsous (sp?) way thinking it was impossible. I allowed myself to cushion my bad choices with thinking I didnt really have a choice.

But finally I chose to end that sick cycle! So I was talking to my stepdaughter who is 21 and obese. She has been living with me since I began my weight loss journey and has seen that it can work (if only i had had that same example at 21...i might not have ended up as big as I got). And through my weight loss this last year she has joined me occasionally in exercising, and even started a mfp account (which she randomly logs on) and makes efforts here and there with healthy eating. I am happy she does these things and yes she loses weight here and there, gains a bit then loses. But tonight I asked her when she last weighed herself or done any comparison pics (she had me take one of her back to compare later) and she drew a blank. She just doesnt weigh herself!

Now I dont want her to be obsessive about the scale, but after a few months....come on! No wonder she isnt motivated....even when there are results she doesnt see them therefore she cant be excited about her milestones. How depressing. Could you imagine doing this as long as you have without tangible results?

So it got me thinking....I am always feeling my own body and looking in the mirror and I weigh once a week, measure periodically as well as try on clothes that were tight to see if they are getting better. Now through some of this I have to admit the sagging baggy skin is bothering me and I constantly have to remind myself to get over it. I wont let it stop me, but I would be lying if I said it doesnt bother me....

So anyways, I want to start blogging my body results....basically my nsv's as motivation as well as maybe encouraging others who are close to my size by giving them something to look for or be excited to discover. I know this may be odd, and I will try not to give tmi, but some of the oddest things are inspiring to me...so here goes one of my first favorites nsv.....

NSV 1:

The other day I was undressing to shower and I caught a glimpse of my arm in the mirror. It didnt look like my arm...but it was....at just the right angle (hiding baggy skin) my arm was thin!!! And not only did I notice....but so did my family :D

Blessings to all mfp buddies!! 

I cant believe it....the time has finally come! I am 3 lbs away from being only 100 lbs away from my goal weight. I know some people would say 100 lbs? Dang thats a lot! But for those of us that have or have had 140+ lbs to lose this is major stuff!

I am 35 years old. Up until a year ago I felt 50. I felt sick. I felt inadequate. I felt gross. I felt afraid. I felt hopeless. And most importantly...I felt alone. I knew I was a good person inside, I knew I was beautiful, but in todays world I knew I was alone.

Unless you have been so morbidly obese....you just dont know. I didnt know how to stop being fat. I didnt know how to care. And no one could make me care.

Then I tried to get health insurance. What a joke. The cost of being fat is just sickening. I finally had had enough! I had enough of me, of my family enabling me, of food, of pain...of all of it! I cried and prayed and made myself accountable to me, my family and God.

The first summer was awesome. I dropped 20 lbs in 3 months just swimming. I didnt change my intake of food, just changed some of the types of foods and swam everyday in our pool. Then winter came and I stopped working out so much. I went for a walk here and there, but I ate healthier. Not less, just healthier. Oh yeah and kept on praying for inner strength and motivation. After that winter I had only gained back 5 lbs. Not bad considering my old way of doing it.

So all through the following summer I swam like a nut. Ate a bit less but not much. I lost another 20 lbs and some serious inches. I was thrilled, but I was still in the 280's and wanted better results. In september it started getting cold so the pool was a no go, but I wasnt going to stop exercising 3-6 days a week again. I HAD to push through the winter. I started pulling out my old DVD's and started working out.

Then the best thing in the world happened to me. I was looking around MSN.com and saw a headline that caught my eye. Some woman had gone from 300+ to 140 in a year. She kinda looked like me too in her before pic. That got my attention. I clicked it and my life changed. It was the today show and the lady was my age and had used myfitnesspal. I logged on immediantly and signed up.

This site has truly changed my life. I didnt think counting cals was so important. Since joining last sept I have dropped 51 lbs. Not as fast as the lady on the show, but dang, it is a lot faster and better than I ever have done in the past.

I know my story is like so many others out there. I know we have heard it all before. But this isnt for anyone that may read this. This is for me. It is my testimony. It is my conformation of my success. It is my reminder that I am NOT sick, inadequate, gross, afraid, hopeless and most especially I am NOT alone.

So here I am. YES I still have a 100 lbs to go and I am so proud of myself and so excited for me! I love each and everyone of you have supported and horayed my mini-successes. Without eachother this wouldnt be so much dang fun!

Warning: cussing is in this blog. I am in mourning, angry and dealing with a broken heart. so DEAL with it or move on.

I just got some seriously horrible news....my cousin (who is my age and I was very close to her through my child and teen years) is in a mental institution....

 Apparently a relative gave her prozac when she was 16 and she has been on it for 19 yrs. She decided to go cold turkey a few weeks ago....she had a psychotic episode and hasnt come out of it....the dr's dont know if she ever will....

While I havent been close to her in years this has me sobbing. Sobbing for the loss of a beautiful soul, bright and witty...Sobbing for her 3 girls, husband and close family members.

 How does one reconcile this in our hearts and minds? How do you know someone so wonderful and SANE that over night goes insane?!?! And why in the FUCK are doctors STILL prescribing medication that is KNOWN to do this and there are books and websites dedicated to warning the public about this!?!?!?!? All her supressed 'demons' (thank you prozac.not) came to the forefront overnight. Why was she given this medication for so many years and NOT given therapy and counceling on how to confront and deal with it? Why didnt anyone warn her (when writing out the fucking prescription) that it would mostly likely cause a psychotic break if she went cold turkey?!?!? It could have saved her to know that!!!! It could have saved her girls from basically losing their mother! WHY WHY WHY???????

I am so shredded feeling...I loved my Kimbeny (nick name). I still do. Please God help her. Save her from this. Heal her mind and bring her back......

Wow its been awhile since I have posted! I have no excuses....havent been super busy really. We got moved in and settle on Dec 4th, Christmas was complete crap lol. I still lost weight through the holidays so I am really good with that! First time ever in my life that I can remember not gorging on holiday treats! Yay me!

I have been steadily losing my weight, but not as fast as I would like. I think I have become complacant (sp?) in my food choices. Before I made sure most of my food choices were healthier...now I only care that I am either under my daily goal or not too much over it.  Iam still determined to lose my weight and I have no doubt I will. But that crazed burning desire has left me. The honey moon is over. Now I am just a robot eating and working out to lose the weight. I remember being so excited by every single choice I made. Now I am just blase (said with french accent lol) about it. I am worried if I get too unemotional about what choices I make I could fall off the wagon. Although I dont think I will. Even though my food choices arent as good as what they were a few months ago I am still over-all pretty good. 70 good, 30 bad. Before it was more like 90 good, 10 bad.

I suppose we all go through this 'funk' where everything feels robotic as we measure this, and weigh that.  I just needed to write it down. Hopefully that will help me to feel that 'fire' again and hit it with all I am worth. Afterall....I am worth it! :)

Soooo, we are moving in exactly 6 days. Cross country. I am eating much healthier than ever, trying to quit smoking, moving cross country on a shoe-string budget one week after Thanksgiving and arriving 3 weeks before Christmas. Am I nuts? LOL

We also just sold both of our cars (dont trust them to get us there) bought another one from auction (no idea if it will make it but it seems better than the other two) and I am seriously considering getting on some anti-stress pill LOL (just kidding, I dont believe in taking stuff like that lol)

I am very nervous though about being able to handle eating right and getting in some sort of exercise on this trip....I mean you can only do so much in the work out dept from behind the wheel lol. I plan on taking my laptop and my 15 min workout dvd (which I double up on to get a full 25 min not including cooldown). Hopefully I wont be too exhausted to work out either before bed in the hotel or early morning before leaving. And yes...I have three teenagers and a dog goin with us lol. yeah no stress.....

My biggest fear.....it will snow. luckily we can take the southern route the majority of the way and hopefully it wont snow.....I am petrified of driving in the snow on an interstate....<shudders>

So I think my goal from here on out (thanksgiving to christmas) is to at least maintain. I will strive to lose weight but I will be happy if I can at least maintain. My other plan for our trip is to buy most of our meals from the grocery store. Fresh veggies to snack on, sandwhiches and low cal snacks. Any other ideas for easy travel food would be VERY appreciated.

Well anyways, I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving!

Ok I know I am not the first fat person in the world to feel this way. But I HAVE to have my bitch session. I dont know why, but hey, I am woman, I need to bitch every now and then. hehe

Do you ever have those moments when you can feel someone looking at you and they are projecting this feeling of judgement right at you? I am talking about the all consuming 'someone is hating on me because I am fat' feeling? I really hope it isnt just me lol.

There are times in the store, I will have my cart loaded with a variety of food. Most of it good choices, some not. And I get REALLY insecure when there arent good choices immediantly showing there. I will catch someone glimpsing at my cart then at me and its like all over their faces 'oh...no wonder she has THAT in her cart. she is fat'. Anyone else ever experience those moments? Unbeknownst them, I am a homeschool mother who runs our local homeschool events for the teenagers, and YES I just bought a HUGE-ass bucket of cheeseballz for them! Back off! You DONT know me! (I hate cheeseballz lol). But people automatically assume I am sitting in my living room downing pounds of fat while snarling and growling at anyone who might come between me and my effin food. NOT!

Or how about those times when your in the car and eating? Stopping at a light and stuffing something (whether its homemade or a healthy choice from fast food which I practically never do, but you get the point) down so I dont starve while running errands, and the middle aged balding jerk with a bad comb over in his stupid corvette is giving you THAT look?

Not to mention, health insurance companies, flights, restaurants and their pathetically spaced booths, clothing lines, car manufacturing companies (stupid ass stearing wheel lol) and all the other of millions of places I could list but wont.

My question is this....if we, as a nation, recognize that we have a serious obesity issue, then why the hell arent things more accessible for us? Seriously, would a waitress seat someone in a wheel chair at a booth? No, cause I used to be a waitress. We know better. We seat them at a table. Why on Gods green earth would other people WANT to humiliate other people, who obviously have bad selfesteem (since they are so overweight its kind of a given) by making them SQUEEZE into a booth?!? (which by the way is no longer a problem for me!! Yay me!!)

Yes I recognize that I got this way by my own choice. Yes I recognize that I need to change me, not the world. But I still have compassion in my heart for others. NO MATTER WHAT THEIR ISSUE IS. INHERITED, SELFINFLICTED, ACCIDENTAL, ALL OF IT! I personally would never treat someone like I was better than them because I looked better, was smarter, richer, or born with better genes, or could fit in a booth better than them!

The sad thing is, that most skinny people assume us fat people sit around all day long shoving food in our mouths. I have never had an overeating eating problem (not really bad anyways). My weight is due to genes, lack of exercise and bad food choices. I have never just sat around shoving food in my mouth. Most of us dont. Heck, I have never been completely inactive either. I have always made myself walk 'normally' and not waddle (I have great leg strength because of it hehe).

In fact, most people that are around me on a regular basis have always been surprised I am as overweight as I am. Well duh! Its called a slow metabolism, not gorging on fried foods and icecream! Most of these skinny people would be cows too if their metabolism wasnt in over drive genetically speaking LOL

I dont know, maybe I am all alone in feeling this way. And no I am not paranoid, I know the world isnt watching every move I make and constantly judging me. It just SEEMS like it periodically.

We are all wonderful people...fat, skinny, smart, stupid, ugly, smelly, funny, sad...whatever. And we all deserve to be loved and accepted for who we are inside, not what the media portrays us to be....

Ok I feel better now! LOL I love all of my MFP friends!!! I wouldnt choose any other group to be in this with!

Ok so yesterday was my weigh-in and measurement day. I get kinda ansy on mondays since the scale has been bs'ing me all week lol. And yes I know better than to weigh all the time. I dont that often really, like twice a week usually. 

  Anyways, I have read a few posts and blogs about family memebers that arent very helpful or even down right unsupportive and rude. And some of those were about husbands or boyfriends or wives or significant others. It saddened me. So yesterday morning as my husband gets on all fours to check where the scale needle is swinging to my heart warms some. Then he excited tells me I am down a pound! Heart warms even more! Then he takes his time and measures all my different areas and does the math and happily announces I am down a total of 2.5 inches.

Hubby with the kids below:

 It really hit me hard how blessed I am to have him! He (being thin his whole life and really has very little idea about how to lose weight or the emotions that go with it) is incredibily supportive! He always stops to listen to me drone on and on about calories this, exercise that, sodium here and fat there. He never tries to 'pretty' up the truth or convince me its ok to cheat, and on the other hand he never makes me feel horrible for slipping up and he encourages me without being a drill sergent (sp?).

I am truly a blessed woman and I dont know that I could enjoy this journey as much as I do without him!

Me and my honey below! :

I was recently wondering when was the last time I weighed 273. Or actually when I was last even in the 270's. It had to have been about 4-5 years ago. Probably around 5 years. I remember being weighed by a nurse in Fountain Hills AZ about 6 months before I moved here to GA. The scale had depressed me showing my weight at something like 288 - 290. I cant remember exactly what it said but I remember being so depressed at being so close to 300. Wow! I was 29. I regret losing my 20's to fat, but I look so forward to having the rest of my 30's and the rest of my life being thin!

 I didnt weigh again after that for almost 2 and half years. Two years ago I decided to finally lose my weight and after about a month of swimming everyday I went to the doctors for the first time in 2.5 years and I was at 298 so I know I had to have been over 300 before I started swimming.

I remember when I weighed like 250 or so I swore I would never reach 300. I also joked that I wold kill myself before I would weigh 300 lbs or more. (bad joke I know). Its amazing how we rationalize...well I wont ever go over 200....a few years later....ok I wont go over 250....and so on. And before we know it we are breaching 300+ and wondering what the hell happened!

Why would I allow myself to slowly commit suicide?!? I love my life (other than being fat and smoking). I love my husband and kids with all my heart. I love God and thank Him for every blessing in my life. So why would I do that? How can we, as humans, every hope to stop this sick cycle if we can never figure out why?!?! I think its more than just genetics, and more than just convenient food, and more than just laziness. Or maybe its just all those rolled into one?!? Who knows?

Thankfully I am no longer in that terrible endless cycles of excuses and unwillingness to change. I am happy to say that the last time I weighed in the 270's I had no real desire to change....but this time I do! ;)

Ok so in my last blog I was probably a bit overly zealous. I have struggled to stay under calories the last few days. Granted I ate things I havent had in months/almost a year. I NEVER eat fast food. Well thats now a lie. I rarely eat fast food. In the last 3 years I have probably eaten fast food a total of 15 times. And usually its grilled chicken with only half the bun. Fries ONLY of its that TOM. And a soda, usually diet. Compared to 5-6 years ago....trust me only a few times a year is great. I used to eat fast food 2-3 times a week and it was always either a buger or deep fried chicken and always had fries and a regular soda. ewww...I know.

 Ok so back to the subject at hand. For the first time in quite some time I ate Taco Hell...err...I mean Bell. yeah thats right...Bell! I didnt eat that much and I was VERY full. I used to eat 2 tacos, bean burrito, half a mexican pizza and a nacho bell grande (which is like double the amount of a nacho supreme). Sometimes an extra taco or burrito on top of all that crap. Makes me cringe to admit that. But alas...that was over 3 years ago. So this time I had 3 hard tacos and a nacho supreme (which is like miniature nacho bell grande for those who dont know.) It was all high in cals and was much more calories than I would typically consume in one meal but omg it tasted good. But after about 10 minutes of sitting on my stomach I felt ill. I dont really regret eating it but I do regret how much I ate. Next time I need to settle for three tacos and maybe some fresh homemade veggies with it. Or just the nacho supreme with some homemade beans. Something a bit less processed and heavy.

 I think now that my crazy -I need to eat toxic crap- phase is over (and no I wasnt pms'ing) I can happily move on into a new week of fresh and healthier choices. Thank God I dont want that food more than once or twice a year! LOL maybe it will just vanish and I can just not think about that kind of food crap anymore lol. Although I must say that Subway rocks. If you choose carefully. I had a six inch grilled chicken sandwhich on wheat with plenty of veggies and low fat mayo. It was awesome! And it filled me up and I didnt feel sick!

So yes I was a bit overly zealous thinking I had scads of extra calories (which I sometimes still do) but I am now excited to say that I am happy with the fact that I naturally eat less and I feel full doing so! :)  Everyday I am discovering wonderful new positives to becoming healthier!

Its so strange....my weight has gone down 10 lbs since joining mfp. My calorie intake was set at like 1650 or something. So as I lost weight the program automatically lowered my calories. I was worried about it going down cause I honestly didnt think I would be able to stay within my allotted calories. So now I get something like 1350 and I now have a hard time eating enough calories LOL. How weird is that?

 I havent really upped my amount of exercises, so I Know its not that. I honestly believe its my stomach shrinking. Or maybe since I am eating healthier foods I can eat more therefore I am full quicker. Even though I feel like I am eating constantly.

 I even did the math to make sure there wasnt a math bug in my cals LOL. I am not complaining really. I am actually pleasantly surprised that having less calories is not a problem for me!

 Any ideas from anyone else as to why its harder for me to reach my cals? And has anyone else ever experienced this as well?

I am not concerned or anything, just interest in why.