I forgot to remember
I don't remember what it feels like to be a healthy weight. I turn 37 years old soon, and I've never been a healthy weight as an adult. In fact, most of high school I was obese. I'm sure a lot of people can relate.
Last time I was a healthy weight, I:
- would have been a freshman in high school
- was active
- had my first job at 14 years old that was very physical work
- lacked the pain and discomfort that can go with obesity
- did not think about calories
- did not think about exercise as exercise
- definitely, most definitely did not have a muffin top
These are facts. They are not feelings. They are not something I can revisit as a tangible memory. They do not transport my mind back to that time in a way that I can really know what it was like to be me back then. I remain the silent observer of my memories.
There are a lot of good changes that have happened with this most recent effort to get healthy again, including not making it just about weight, but about getting proper nutrition. There are a lot of indicators that my success of losing 50 lbs will continue on to become 140 lbs lost eventually, or whatever that final number truly is. Right now, it's guesswork. Believe me, if I reach 125 lbs lost and find that's my ideal weight, I'll be pretty thrilled not to need to lose any more.
Even so, I know that I'm a human and humans have frailty. It's a scary thought, really. What keeps me going this time is a blend of knowing I am fuly capable of succeeding (that's the confidence I need) and knowing that I can't afford to fail this time because my health reached a point where failure is far more serious than it ever would have been before (that's the humility and fear I need to balance the confidence).
I don't remember what a healthy me is like. I wish I could conjure up the essence of what it feels. I bet that'd add to my motivation. I will keep on working toward making it an actual experience again, with my inner confidence and my humility and my fear. I'm thankful for all the daily support that I get, making this possible. My confidence, the key ingredient to driving me forward, is fueled in part by those words of encouragement.
Let's make this happen for each of us, this time rather than next time.