Silverstar46's Blog

Yesterday was my first day at the gym. I've been avoiding joining for three months.

 I admit it - I wish I could do this with exercise alone. I probably COULD, but then I'd be one of those people with loose skin everywhere instead of just on the most stretched out parts of my body. I know and am trying to accept that when I get to my goal weight my poor lower tummy skin will look like I sucked the life right out of it.

But the rest of my body does NOT have to look that way. If I start exercising and firming my muscles up, I should be able to fill that skin with sleek muscles instead of excess skin. Or at least that is my sincere hope.

So I went and bought new workout clothes (I was able to wear a size smaller in pants than I could have 46lbs ago!!) and also got a new pair of shoes which I was stupid enough to wear last night to the gym thinking I had broken them in already. Um,, nope. But it's all good. I'm calling the blister on my heel my first Badge of Pain.

You see, I may not like admitting it. Perhaps you don't either. But there really is some truth to the "No pain, no gain" motto. We can either workout and sweat (God, I hate sweating) or we can sit and eat bonbons and someday we will look down on our funeral as someone says, "She had a pretty face and a kind heart and died way too young."

I want my funeral to have a couple men in there who are thinking, 'And damn, her body was smoking - the world has lost a beautiful soul AND body!" (Yes, I know men don't really think like that but this is MY fantasy!)

 So last night so as not to overdo it and make myself want to quit, I walked for 45 minutes on a slight incline at 2.7mph before lifting weights. I was actually sweating when I was done and in a strange way it felt good. It wasn't a better than sex feeling, but I felt so proud of myself for sticking to it and for sweating when I hate that part.

Sure, I felt the blister forming on my heel. I almost coudn't finish the last lap but I knew the blister was already there and nasty, so I just kept walking and finished up my last lap. When I got off the machine, I walked on my tiptoe so as not to rub it because DAMN it hurt.

But that is physical evidence that I'm finally PUSHING MYSELF the way I NEED to be pushed. So that is my first Badge of Pain and I hope that there are more like sore thighs from squats and sore abs from lots of crunches. If I'm going to be 'smoking' I need to be willing to BURN. Burn baby burn!

I'm ready.

~Audra

Hello, 

Before MFP (I'd write BM, but that sounds so WRONG!) I often ate until I didn't feel well. Since it was a typical day for me, I didn't think too much of it. Because I love all things carbs it was often pastas and breads and icecream that I binged on. I have no doubt I ate around 3-4,000 calories a day sometimes.

Before MFP, if I felt like I was hungry, I panicked. My stomach twisted into knots and I felt physically ill as if being hungry was something to be avoided at ALL costs.

 Yesterday, I had my normal breakfast of cereal with 2% milk. Then I got cleaning and forgot to eat lunch. Since I was not very hungry, I grabbed a banana and three pickles. (I know, a weird lunch).

 Around 5pm that night I decided I was hungry, but didn't want to make the turkey stew I had planned. So I decided to order out from the local pizza joint. I got my favorite - chicken marsala. Oh it was delicious. It was also enough food for two, easily.

Halfway through, I was full. So I put down the fork and set the plate aside, but I DIDN'T PUT IT AWAY. I should have.. oh I really should have.

I ended up eating that extra roll and the other half of the pasta and chicken despite being full about fifteen minutes later. It was a typical 'before MFP' moment for me. I gulped that food like there was no tomorrow, justifying it because I still managed to stay in my caloric goals because I had eaten so little lunch.

The problem? My stomach has shrunk a bit since my pre-MFP days. So forcing that much food into it hurt like a mofo. I finished eating at 6:30PM. At 11pm I was walking around my house at a brisk pace in an effort to help me digest because I STILL HADN'T digested my food and I was SO thirsty I was gulping water like I'd been in the desert for three days without water.

I'm sure you're not suprised when I tell you I slept with my four pillows under my back to prop me up last night. I'm sure you're also not surprised to hear I woke up about every hour having to go to the bathroom to pee out that water. I'm also sure youre not surprised to hear that at 4AM I was wide awake with lots of energy from the food I'd FINALLY digested and didn't get back to sleep until 6AM and proceeded to have to wake up at 8AM for church.

But it is a lesson well learned. I can't eat like I did at 320lbs and WHY I would WANT to is absolutely beyond me. IT HURT. I was in serious physical pain. There was NO pleasure involved in eating all of that food, not even as I was eating it. I used to think there was and maybe at the time that was true.

It's no longer true. If I want to be successful I need to keep fighting this addiction to overeating. If I want to make it to 50lbs lost, then I need to analyze this stuff and figure out why I do it. Why anyone would want to.

I hope in sharing this it will help you with your own struggles. God knows, I would not wish what I experienced last night on my worst enemy. Keep up the hard work everyone because it is worth it. What we were doing to ourselves before - that was suicide. It needs to stop.

~Audra

Hi Everyone,

 I know I have shared this in the forums, but I've never shared my family history in my blog.

I am the oldest of three children. My younger sisters are twins and if you put them beside me, you'd wonder how I could be their sister. You see, they are skinny. Very skinny. And well I.. I am very, very fat.

It has always been this way. My mother is also fat. Matter of fact, we got reported to Child Services when I was a child because one of my sisters' teachers thought that my mom was feeding me and her and NOT the twins. *rolls eyes*

My sister Alli can down food faster than I can. My sister Ashley can fit her fist in her mouth and trust me, knows how to shovel food in it that way too. Mom fed us all the same amount of food. However, I snuck food a lot and I have always been insulin resistant and therefore - I have always been bigger than the children my age.

When I was a child, my sisters looked much more alike than they do now. People would watch as they'd do all these tricks simultaneously (like touching their feet to their head) and then they'd look over at me and say, "You have such pretty eyes Audra."

As we got older, the twins began to look different. Alli shot up to 5'9 and Ash went to 5'5 like myself. Alli has dark curly hair like me, Ash has blonde/brown straight hair. But they both stayed skinny.

Ash currently models and I have noticed in the last few pictures there is barely anything to her. Today on facebook she announced she was going to start doing the Insanity work out to get rid of all her fat.

 I wanted to clock her. I wanted to seriously throat punch her as hard as I could. (it's a good thing we don't see each other often)

This is the same sister that when I mention how fat I am (pre-trying to lose weight) she'd say, "You're NOT fat." Yeaaaah. Thanks. This coming from the sister that can wear her 6 year olds clothes. (No, I'm not kidding)

 I don't know if I will ever get over these feelings of inadequacy. She seems to intuitively know exactly what to say to make me feel like shit. The saddest part is I'm not sure she has ANY clue that she makes me feel that way. She's very wrapped up in her own life and I doubt she realizes what she says offends me.

*sighs* I guess I just needed to write this out and get it off my chest. I feel bad that I wanted to hit her, but at the same time I wish she'd learn a little sensitivity. I haven't told her that I'm trying to lose weight or that I have lost weight. I told Alli, but the day I was going to tell Ash, was the day she told me her daughter was wearing her AE polos to school.

I couldn't say I was trying to lose weight then. It just wouldn't come out after that shock.

~Audra

Good Afternoon,

 You may or may not know that it takes two months of doing something every day for it to become a habit. Some people say it only takes 30 days, but I think it is more accurate to say 60.

I have been creating this new life for myself for a 100 days. Ash Wednesday is my big 100.

1) The cravings don't go away just because it's been that long.

2) The feelings of inadequacy don't disappear.

3) The sad days where nothing fits, nothing feels good, and all you want is to take that right into the nearest "Unhealthy" shop that used to be your favorite haunt still attack with verocity.

So, you may be thinking, "Where is the GOOD news? I need MOTIVATED, not depressed!"

 1) The cravings aren't going away anytime soon, but it is easier to say NO, and for every no we say, that is another pound gone forever.

2) There are days when I feel inadequate, but there are MORE days when I feel like a rockstar because I am making the choices that are getting me healthy, and for some reason, God has granted me the ability to inspire others to do the same. Both on MFP and in my real life.

3) There are days when nothing feels right, but then the next day you try on that pair of jeans that you were sure you couldn't fit into, and they are LOOSE. You see that unhealthy fastfood place or icecream shop and instead of pulling in, you drive right by and the glow of satisfaction is SO MUCH BETTER than that icky feeling of being too full of greasy/fatty/carb filled food.

If this was easy, we'd all be skinny. But it's HARD and when you think about how long it took you to get as big as you are, as unhealthy as you are now - then it hits home. 29 years I spent wasting my life by making food a priority. It's not going to happen overnight, but if I work hard and DON'T QUIT like I have with everything else, I WILL SEE RESULTS.

Or, I can give it up. I can chow down on the chinese food and ben & jerrys and die too young - never knowing what could have been possible because I was afraid of hard work. And that IS what it is. I'm afraid of hardwork. I'm impatient for results like a 2 year old toddler. I WANT IT NOW. Well guess what? Life doesn't work like that and if I try to push it and make it happen too soon - I will set myself up to fail.

But yesterday, I found out I am only 10 points away from a normal insulin level compared to a year ago when I was 31 points away and well on my way to being type 2 diabetic at 320lbs.

That is no small achievement - that is life changing. And if I can do it - trust me, YOU CAN TOO.

~Audra

Hi Everyone,

After being attacked this morning by a former MFP friend because I posted on her diary about how she had gone over on all her goals and I hoped she would feel better soon so she can get back on track - I wasn't too happy to be a member anymore.

I don't like being called a hypocrite because I gave constructive criticism. Hell, I don't even consider it criticism, more like it was pointing out the obvious - she didn't do well that day, but hopefully she would get back on track soon. She then took that as a reason to look through my diary until she found days where I had Pepsi (not diet) and donut holes.

*rolls eyes* And yet, on days I have a Pepsi - I make sure that I have the calories FOR it. If I want to drink my calories rather than eat them - who cares?

Anyway. I know a lot of you are kind people and I do care about you, but I'm not sure I will be saying much anymore to any of you. Losing weight is hard enough without the drama. I added many of you because you enjoy my blog. Please feel free to continue.

So for the real reason of my post - one of my best friends asked about my weightloss today and when I told her I had lost 42lbs she wanted to see pictures. For the hell of it, I decided to put up side by side ones like I see everyone else do. THIS IS HARDER THAN IT LOOKS! LOL! It doesn't help that I don't have a good picture program and had to use Paint.

So here it is, my journey so far.

I'm surprised I see a difference from 30-40lbs lost. I didn't think I would, but it is there and in my stomach/hips which is obviously my worst area! So WHOOHOO!

It's happening. It's really happening!

~Audra

I wonder if I will ever be over my need to stuff my mouth full of food?

Why does it feel so GOOD to shove food into my mouth?!

Tonight I finished my food diary and had 262 calories left and I was so happy. Then I remembered I had bought these new potato chips the other day. Now, I'm not even a real potato chip lover, but once I remembered that they were in my cupboard, I wanted to try them.

So I got up, saw that one ounce was only 150 calories and opened up the bag. After the first salty thin potato chip hit my maw, I just went crazy. I ate all 20 chips I was allowed to have in about 30 seconds.

I wasn't hungry, so that was not an excuse. I'd already had my snack - I'd allowed myself six milk chocolate dove hearts tonight for V-Day. But I stuffed those chips in like it was the end of the world and that was my last meal.

I don't feel better for it. I'm still confused about why I did it. At the time, as I stuffed them in, it felt GREAT. It was only afterward that I had this sense of, "What the HELL were you thinking, Audra Lynn?!"

Perhaps this is part of the addiction to food. Maybe this is WHY I'm addicted. For a brief moment when I'm shoving the chocolate or chips or pasta into my mouth - my world feels complete. But afterward, I'm left with this sinking sensation in my stomach and a feeling of guilt/remorse/anger at myself.

It was stupid. It was a very stupid choice on my part. I can only hope that by writing this down, by analyzing it further, I can take steps to not do it anymore. I'm thankful I had the calories available so that I didn't go over my daily allotment. But it was still unnecessary and beyond dumb.

 Doing shit like this is why I weigh as much as I do. IT NEEDS TO STOP!

~Audra

I'm in a bad mood today.

I just want to go from being fat to being skinny RIGHT NOW.

I'm tired of having this stomach, and these thighs and an ass that has its own zipcode.

I hate that I have become so used to my stomach, that I have made it useful. Right now as I type this, I do not need one of those laptop lap supports because i use my lower belly and thigh to rest my laptop on. It's actually quite comfortable and the perfect height to type at.

 I HAVE MADE MY FAT USEFUL instead of getting RID OF IT!

*groans loudly* And in some ways, I'm going to miss having that fat there to make it easier to type. How freaking sick-minded is that?!

This is how used to being a fat person I am. I have made being fat the absolute norm for me and I canNOT imagine being skinny. I have never, ever in my whole damned life been skinny.

Well, when I came out of the womb I was only 7lbs 2oz which is a normal baby size. That was probably the last time my size was considered normal when compared to a child of the same age and height.

I can remember being 144lbs in 4th grade. I remember because some kids kept asking me how much I weighed and upset, I yelled it to the WHOLE class. Not one word was said because I think they were all in shock at how big I really was.

I've lost my shock. Maybe I never had it. I need to get it back though because it is the only thing that will make a person work hard. I need to remember that this isn't healthy, even if it is convenient to have my own laptop roll. *rolls eyes*

It's time for the fat to go. I don't know who I am without it, but I'm damn willing to find out!

 ~Audra

Has anyone else found that they need less sleep now that they are losing weight?

 I tried to go to bed around 1AM, but because my legs and abs hurt from the 30DS video I didn't fall asleep until around 2AM. Pre-weightloss that means I would have woken up around 10AM on my own. Now that I've lost weight, I woke up at 8:30AM.

When they say that being fat makes you tired, apparently, they weren't kidding!

I had my first experience with eating around 1200 calories and not being hungry enough to bother with the 300 calories I had left. I didn't even do anything different. I had a shake and banana for breakfast, a shrimp salad for lunch, a healthy choice steamer and fresh green beans for dinner and strawberries with sun crystals (only 5 cals and low on carbs too!) for a snack.

But trust me, I was excited!

I just cannot believe how much food 1500 calories is if you eat healthy. It's A LOT. But it is nothing at all if you're having a burger and fries. One meal can wipe out my day's worth of calories if I'm not careful. It terrifies me to think of some of the meals I've eaten, how much of them I've eaten and how many calories I had to be consuming every single day. I'm really surprised I didn't weigh more than I did.

Good job body! Keep fighting the good fight and now at least, I'll be helping you fight!

 I measured myself with a tape measurer. I still haven't lost a thing around my waist or hips and yet my jeans DO feel looser. I know I lost weight around my thighs because all of my jeans are no longer tight there but I didn't start measuring them until after they became loose so I have no idea what they were before.

I did lose half an inch off of my arms which makes a total of 4 inches since I've been measuring them.

 I want it to come off my stomach so much. As a pre-diabetic the weight sits low on my stomach and I look like I'm pregnant or something. But I just keep doing my crunches and reverse crunches and bicycle crunches and I know things will start to change.

It's all about keeping the faith, not just in the science of calories in and calories out, but in ourselves. As soon as we lose faith in ourselves, it is so easy to swing by McDonald's and order that burger and fries. It's so easy to stop at the local ice cream store and get a pint. But it is NEVER going to make us feel better.

The only way to do that is to keep on fighting.

~Audra

Okay Guys and Gals,

 I have never been closer to sabatoging myself and wanting to quit all this shit than today. For some stupid reason I decided to go to a little convenience store looking for my lunch and found Suddenly Pasta - bacon and ranch that I thought in my head, "Oooh.. I'll make it with LITE mayo so it will be healthier!"

I did that and ate a cup of it for lunch. Then I decided to have two cups of it for dinner. I also ate some grape tomatoes so obviously this made it a healthier day.. right? WRONG!

Because I wasn't satisfied with that. I also had to have a Pepsi. Even after reading the awful stuff that soda can do to your stomach and insides a couple weeks back. I was only over on my calories for the day by -59, but I was SO disappointed with myself. I sat there on the couch and thought, "You're so dumb. You don't even FEEL good right now because of the CRAP you put into yoru body today. GET UP! GET UP NOW! DO SOMETHING!"

Yesterday my 30 Day Shred dvd came in the mail and I watched level one thinking, "I might be able to do that without dying". So today I stuck it in.

Let's just say that after a minute of cardio (jumping jacks) I was never more embarrassed to what I had let myself become. When you are jumping up and down and waving your arms as well - EVERYTHING jiggles. I was jiggling in places that I didn't know could jiggle. It was humiliating and awful and I probably looked ridiculous.

Especially after the second set of cardio when I wanted to fall to the ground and bawl.

There were a couple times when I barely did what they were doing or I had to stop and catch my breath or die of a heart attack at 29. But SOMEHOW I managed to get through 20 minutes with Jillian.

I collapsed onto my sofa and sat there just trying to get my breathing back into control. This was like nothing I'd ever done. Walking up hill both ways - HAH! Elliptical for 30 minutes - HAH! Jillian kicked my ass, melted it into puddles of chocolatey pastafied fat and then refirmed it into the gelatinous mass it is only hopefully slightly firmer.

 Was it worth it? It took me an hour of recovery to figure that out.

 YES. It is. I WILL DO THIS TOMORROW. I need to. If I'm going to have any chance of being a healthier person then I need to get my fat under control.

I have a new motto - JIGGLE NO MORE! I even have a song "Jiggle bells, jiggle bells, jiggle all the way! Oh what fun it will be when I see I'm jiggle free! HEY!"

 Say it with me guys and gals - JIGGLE FREE!

~Audra

So yesterday I hit 40lbs lost. I didn't log it into MFP however for two reasons. 

    1) I knew I was going to go over calories yesterday and would probably gain it right back the next morning.

    2) My period is beginning this week and I figured I'd wait to see if I have any weight loss during this time.

I was right and almost the whole pound came back this morning. Some would have been upset, but I'm being realistic about my goals. This is going to be a slow process no matter how much I want it to be different. I'm sure all of you understand this feeling especially if you have a LOT to lose - which I do!

Now for the real reason for my post - my disappointment.

You see, I am so big that even though I went from 320lbs to 280lbs, NO ONE has noticed or commented. I have finally gone from a 3x to a 2x and my jeans are starting to get loose enough that I'm going to be a plain ole 22 soon instead of a 22/24. (Praise Jesus! YAY!)

So even though I KNOW my body is changing no one has said one word. I wore a new shirt and a nice pair of slacks yesterday in the hopes that someone would say SOMETHING at church. nada.

I get it. Some are afraid to say something so they don't hurt your feelings in case the opposite is true. Some are just not that observant. I also understand that since I wear a big black robe for much of the time people see me on Sunday that it'd be hard to notice. But what about before and after the service when I'm just wearing nice clothes?

 My friends haven't noticed or said anything either. My family hasn't said a word.

But I get it. I am THAT fat. It will probably not be until I reach around 250 (OMG ANOTHER 30lbs!) before anyone REALLY notices because I'm so big. It hurts, but you know what? The hurt is all at MY feet and not one ounce is on anyone else.

Why? Because I did this to myself. I chose to overeat. I chose to stuff chocolate and pasta in until I was so full that I actually had to puke a little. And I did that a few times because I was a pig about food. It was my only source of pleasure. I am at risk for diabetes, I have acid reflux (gee, wonder why?), and I'm damn lucky my cholesterol and blood pressure are normal. I'm sure those would have been next to go at the lovely age of 29.

So no one has noticed a 40lb loss. At least I know it's gone. At least I'm making a difference. Part of the problem is that I've always cared TOO much about what others think. I can't let people not noticing affect my goals. I know what I'm doing. I know how much healthier I am. That is ALL that matters.

 ~Audra