My dad's words

Posted on 2013-02-15 by RedHeadDevotchka

Im feeling really upset right now, my dad passed away 9 years ago and I have to write, it helps.

My father shaped the way I view the world and he shaped the way I view my body. He was always on some diet and making excuses for his weight. He made us all believe we were overweight and needed to diet and we were unhealthy and he always magically had the newest and best answer. While he needed to lose weight, this is true, it was not true for the rest of my family, but I believe his words have stuck with me ever since.

He was a big man, weighing in at 300 lbs give or take whichever fad diet he happened to be on that month. We had to partake of his diets as well, casting off fats one time then becoming vegetarians and then coming full circle to the Atkins diet which in my opinion is what killed him. (While I joke about bacon or eating junk he actually ate poorly on a daily basis and all the saturated fat was too much for his heart.) When he died one of his main arteries was clogged to 99%, the one nicknamed the widow maker for obviously reasons.

In him, I had a poor role model for eating right and exercise, he was the king of excuses 'I'll exercise when it gets cooler' 'I'm starting Monday' (lol) until one Sunday he was rushed to the emergency room to be operated on and never wake up again. This scared me and at 19 I began to worry about my health to the point I remember clearly having a panic attack thinking I was having a heart attack and was going to die like my father.

Of course I did not die, but I have never fully shaken his bad habits and negativity in the way that he talked about me and my body. What would it be like if my father had taught me that I was beautiful and didnt constantly remind me I was getting chubby (which I wasn't) or that I need start losing weight? Would I have cared enough about myself and my body to take care of it properly without obsessing over my weight? Would I have the confidence I lack now to look at myself in the mirror and like who and what I see?

I can recall like it's yesterday some of the awful and hurtful things he had said to me about my 'gut' or how I have big thighs or that I needed to drop weight and so and so is in such good shape unlike us. I just wish I could now ask him why? But I can't and even if I could, the thoughts aNd habits are planted, have taken root, and they are tough to break and shake off. I'm trying to do this thru MFP and strength training, and it's helping but it's amazing how quickly my fathers words can echo in my ears and I forget everything I know and focus on what he taught me.

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18 comments:

Desdemina wrote 3 months ago:

You ARE beautiful! I have a similar experience, except with my grandmother. We never went to visit without me crying myself to sleep because of some comment she made about my weight, even when I was very young (5-6ish) and did not have a weight problem. She's still alive, but no longer part of my life. And ever since I realized it's ok to not like a family member and that I didn't have to forgive her for the years of pain, I've been able to move past it. She does not get to have that kind of control over my life any more.

I hope you are able to realize your father's comments were more about him than you, and they do not define you!

cherchechristine wrote 3 months ago:

Thank you for sharing! I have been scared similarly by my parental influence on my weight. Ever since I can recall, my dad was always looking at what I was eating, how much I had on my plate, etc. I was always tall and large for my age but never truly over-weight. However, my parents put such an emphasis on the physical--versus the internal. To this day, when I am around my parents (they are in their 80s) I still am very self conscience about what they see me eat. UGH...Fortunately, I have been able to share this opening with my husband and he's been absolutely a gem as I lose weight.
Again, thank you for sharing...it's amazing what an influence parents have on their kids!

URCanadianAngel wrote 3 months ago:

I can understand you so well. I grew up with same cruel treatment but from my mother. I weighed 95lbs up until my second child. But to her I was fat and ugly, it's hard to let it go. I wonder what they seen when they looked in a mirror at themselves. Asking them why will not bring you any more closure then you have now.

Focus on yourself, love yourself one step at a time, one day at a time. Surround yourself with good, loving people like here on MFP. It helps a lot.

But it's only you who can change you.

TrailRunner61 wrote 3 months ago:

I know it is painful and hurtful when our parents say stuff like that to us, but I think he meant well. He saw how he was and feared that you'd be like him. As a parent, you don't want your kids to do anything that you did wrong.You're here, so obviously you're on the right track. Congratulations and I'm proud of you for being able to face the past and get well. <hugs>

ausfgrad wrote 3 months ago:

I completely understand. I can remember from a young age my mother being constantly obsessed with her weight (she's in her 60's and still is). Apparently my father once told her early in their marraige that he would divorce her if she ever got fat. Her magic number was 114lbs. When I soared past that in high school and then packed on the pounds in college I knew I was an embarassment. I remember her eating dinner, but not much else. She would "pick" or take bites of whatever my sister and I ate (I became very possessive of food because she was always eating mine). I learned the correlation between weight and love. I would not be loved if I was fat. You would think I would have become anorexic or bulimic, but I became fat. She made me feel fat from a young age (I wasn't), so I figured I would just keep eating. I've carefully mentioned some of these things to her and she becomes very defensive and denies ever saying or doing most of the things I bring up. I've quit talking to her about it and do not include her in my struggle to lose weight. She has no idea that I am losing weight because I don't want to listen to the harping and hear the judgement in her voice or the disappointment if I don't succeed. She even once told a guy at her gym who was asking about her family (and she actually repeated this to me) that her daughter was overweight, but has such a pretty face. Really? That's what pops into your head as the first thing to say about your kid? I know that our parents have no idea how we hold onto some things and how greatly if affects us and shapes our life (and shapes our bodies).

NeverGivesUp wrote 3 months ago:

It was my mother that did this to me. She didn't pass away but I cut her out of my life in order to stop her voice in my head. It is gone now with her relationship but I am better off because of it. I get sad sometimes but it is better than being constantly judged and criticized when she was the one with the biggest problem. Life can be really painful sometimes, especially when the people we are supposed to be looking up to cause us to look down on them instead. I can't offer any words of wisdom except that even if it never goes away, being aware hopefully means you will not do the same thing to your own children. I know my kids are much healthier than I ever was.

cuterbee wrote 3 months ago:

I had similar treatment from my mom. It didn't help that I was the only short, chunky kid in a family of tall, slender people.

Both she and dad had childhoods with difficult parents and it helped me a lot to know that they were doing the best they could; they had not grown up to lead insightful lives and didn't really understand the damage they were doing. They obviously loved us kids, but oh, they got things so WRONG.

It helped knowing they loved me, even though they didn't ever learn to understand me. Your dad likely loved you and wanted you to achieve what he himself could not do; perhaps he thought he was helping you with those comments. Parents are flawed just like the rest of us...unfortunately, their failings affect children more than anyone else.

My experience did make me a better parent...at least I knew what NOT to say or do (though I'm sure I messed up somewhere else).

Best of luck on your journey to health in every way!

2hmom wrote 3 months ago:

That was my dad too. He passed away very very heavy before his cancer. Sometimes I just think that generation thought they were helping by ridiculing, pretty wrong.

sheleen302 wrote 3 months ago:

Reading your post and the responses, I can say that it makes me sad, and even more aware the power adults have over children. (I don't have kids). The only thing I can offer which may not help at all, is that in every day, you as the adult have choice. Your father's issues were his. You only make them yours by chosing to do so. And for the record, you ARE a beautiful woman.

bwallace2012 wrote 3 months ago:

FORGIVE, dammit! your parents were/are just people - just like you are/will be. parents always want their children to be more perfect than they are/were themselves. he knew what he wanted for you, but not the best way to achieve it. to understand is to forgive.

and nobody can see a parent's faults so clearly as their children.

was WAS and is IS. and NOW is your time. resentment muddies your NOW.

(please forgive me if this seems harsh. I mean it kindly.)

pull up your socks.

Bookchick887 wrote 3 months ago:

I know exactly how you feel, thank you for sharing. When I see other posts about 'Oh my father, he was so wonderful...' etc I think, That would have been nice. But, mine told me I was 'built like a Russian Peasant-woman' (what does that even mean, you jerk) and with my wide hips I was only good for having babies. (Which I was blessed with two beautiful ones, thank you very much). I am 5 feet tall and I weighed about 120 when he was saying these cruel things to me. There's more, but you know how it is.
It takes a long time to get over these attacks on your psyche when you are a child.
And bwallace, this man did not want me to be perfect, he was a cruel man who was angry and abusive.

WandaMM1 wrote 3 months ago:

My father impacted my views on eating as well; but in a different way. Both of my parents grew up in "poor" families where NOTHING is wasted. As far as I can remember back, as children we could never leave the table until our plates were clean. One of the problems was my parents plated our food; which was often more than was wanted or needed. Regardless, you ate until your plate was empty. Even though I'm now 43, I still struggle with guilt when I leave food on my plate. My father's views were not health-conscious related or mean spirited in any way. It was an economics thing. Waste not. Want not. Given restaurant portion sizes these days it's a dangerous view, indeed. I don't think I realized it was acceptable to NOT clean my plate until I was in my 30's. =)

subconscious_ink wrote 3 months ago:

bwallace, that is a bit harsh. And if her father was anything like mine, there is no forgiveness, and there shouldn't be. Some people don't say these things out of misplaced kindness, they say them to injure the other person. My father used to sing the theme song to "Cops" to me, only he would change the lyrics to mock me for being fat (which I wasn't at that time) "Fat girl, fat girl" instead of "Bad boys, bad boys", etc.

However, you can start learning how to refuse to let his words define you. It is hard, and I'm still working on it as well, but maybe try telling yourself the things you wish your father had told you. Just tell them to yourself every day (in your head or out loud). Sometimes, when one or both of your parents were terrible, you have to learn how to provide that emotional support for yourself that you missed out on growing up.

1ConcreteGirl wrote 3 months ago:

I think bwallace missed the point of your blog. There was no sense of bitterness or anger, just regret.

I think a lot of us have parents who produce feelings of regret in us. I know I do.

Be strong babe. You already are, more than you know. Maybe your dad's words have obscured it for you a bit, but you know who you are. Hang onto that and don't let go.

1ConcreteGirl wrote 3 months ago:

malyndad wrote 3 months ago:

The old adage "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" was so false! Words leave scars that may never heal. I have similar words that echo endlessly in my mind. Please keep affirming your self and know that you are beautiful!

angelique_redhead wrote 3 months ago:

My father said ugly, cruel things too. I figure that he's having to explain that all to his maker's now. His problem not mine! *HUGS*

FrancineM62 wrote 3 months ago:

It's great that you can write about your feelings. I'm sure it's therapeutic as you grieve your loss. So sorry about your dad. The older I get I realize my parents (80 and 78 now)came from an era where little was said or known about emotional support. They did the best they could with what they had. They wanted to best for my brothers and me but didn't always know how to give it.

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My dad's words

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