My dad's words
Im feeling really upset right now, my dad passed away 9 years ago and I have to write, it helps.
My father shaped the way I view the world and he shaped the way I view my body. He was always on some diet and making excuses for his weight. He made us all believe we were overweight and needed to diet and we were unhealthy and he always magically had the newest and best answer. While he needed to lose weight, this is true, it was not true for the rest of my family, but I believe his words have stuck with me ever since.
He was a big man, weighing in at 300 lbs give or take whichever fad diet he happened to be on that month. We had to partake of his diets as well, casting off fats one time then becoming vegetarians and then coming full circle to the Atkins diet which in my opinion is what killed him. (While I joke about bacon or eating junk he actually ate poorly on a daily basis and all the saturated fat was too much for his heart.) When he died one of his main arteries was clogged to 99%, the one nicknamed the widow maker for obviously reasons.
In him, I had a poor role model for eating right and exercise, he was the king of excuses 'I'll exercise when it gets cooler' 'I'm starting Monday' (lol) until one Sunday he was rushed to the emergency room to be operated on and never wake up again. This scared me and at 19 I began to worry about my health to the point I remember clearly having a panic attack thinking I was having a heart attack and was going to die like my father.
Of course I did not die, but I have never fully shaken his bad habits and negativity in the way that he talked about me and my body. What would it be like if my father had taught me that I was beautiful and didnt constantly remind me I was getting chubby (which I wasn't) or that I need start losing weight? Would I have cared enough about myself and my body to take care of it properly without obsessing over my weight? Would I have the confidence I lack now to look at myself in the mirror and like who and what I see?
I can recall like it's yesterday some of the awful and hurtful things he had said to me about my 'gut' or how I have big thighs or that I needed to drop weight and so and so is in such good shape unlike us. I just wish I could now ask him why? But I can't and even if I could, the thoughts aNd habits are planted, have taken root, and they are tough to break and shake off. I'm trying to do this thru MFP and strength training, and it's helping but it's amazing how quickly my fathers words can echo in my ears and I forget everything I know and focus on what he taught me.