Tightening my Black Belt

There are things which we want to believe so badly we accept them at face value... even though part of us deep down knows it cannot be true.

 1. Caffeine Free - Per my copious quantities of "so called" decaffeinated tea yesterday, I KNOW this is a lie. I knew it ALL night last night while I was tossing and turning and grumbling... when I wasn't having to get up to use the "library."

2. Fat Free - this does NOT equal calorie free. That stinks. And yet, it also depends on the quantity. Which is silly. If it comes in in a bag, and it says fat free, shouldn't the WHOLE bag be fat free? Ridiculous.

3. Reduced Fat - this is tricky.... until you recognize that a food with 1,000 grams of fat that condenses itself into 999 grams can call itself reduced fat. Cheaterpants there.

4. Organic/Natural/Pure - these sound healthy, right? I mean we all know processed food is not as good for you so those Organic Sugar Coated Candy Cookie treats MUST be healthy???????

5. Diet - does not equal healthy or even remotely good for you. Just exchanged the calories for some combination of hair gel and floorwax. Mmmmmm. Tasty. Especially those "diet" foods that are replacing calories with sodium.

6. Sugar Free - Now I realize that for those with insulin issues, this is an important one... but for the rest of us, this means that they've removed all the sugar calories and replaced it with something else. Might be safe? COULD be okay? Except for those studies that show... never mind.

7. Low Calorie - usually translates to tasteless. But at least generally decent.

8. Minimally Processed - if I want your fingers in my food, I'll invite you over to make it with me.

From my perspective, better to eat the real thing and just less of it. But i'm crazy like that.

So yesterday as I was proudly proclaiming my upcoming dinner out meal choices on my MFP status, I was SHOCKED to discover in my research that a slice of my favorite fruit in a crust pie had over 1,000 calories. Needless to say, I didn't include that in my plan (OR MY MOUTH LATER) but I laughed out loud when a new friend, having read my status post, then went to the restaurant website to "check it out" and look at the pictures.

She called it "Food Porn." And I nearly bust a gut laughing.

But this morning, in the light of day, I realized.... she's onto something. I can LOOK at food all I want. I have suddenly become a person who can only fall asleep to the soothing sounds of the Food Network or Cake Boss. It's not that I find these shows, well.... boring. And it's certainly not because I'm learning how to cook (lord knows my family might appreciate it... but that takes me back to yesterday's blog post about lowered expectations). It's like window shopping. I'm just looking. I have no intention of actually making or tasting any of it!

Nope. It's about listening to and watching what they do with food. I'm a food junkie. A voyeur. A Peeping Mom.

And it's not just limited to tv either. Here on MFP, I'm a diary stalker. Not to criticize or judge what anyone else is doing.. but to see if what they ate sounds good. Maybe because I would make it m yself... maybe because i would try what they did. Maybe because there are really only about 4 things that I make well here at home and I could use some innovative ideas but they have to only involve one pan and preferably the crock pot. And honestly, if it involves me having to stand still at the stove for more than 10 minutes, I don't see how anyone with kids and homework and carpools etc can ever have time to cook it. So I make a ton of soups, chili, and crock pot cooking.

So, Buddy Valastro, even if you don't know this, you're part of my sweet dreams. And you too, Iron Chef. And Chopped folks. And Unwrapped (my favorite). And Cupcake Wars, Next Great Baker... you name it. I wake up every morning with a satisfied smile on my face because of you....

Just don't tell my husband. He thinks HE"S the sweetest thing in my world. ;) And I want him to... because he's the real deal!

Well  here I am posting a new Blog entry a day after I told you it would be here. I've already broken my own rule before I even told you what the rule was! The secret to life, as I've recently determined... is not by increasing your workload or stamina or accomplishments. No, it's all in changing other's expectations of you! So if you demonstrate that you are a consistent underachiever, if you aim low, if you take shortcuts, and if you never demonstrate the ability to succeed.... no one will ever expect you to.THEN, when you DO accomplish ANYTHING, they will only be pleasantly surprised.

Now, taken to an extreme, of course, this is a ridiculous position to support. "Oh, Little Johnny.... you got your pants on all by yourself" is a great thing for a 4  year old to accomplish... not so much for a 40something year old. But since the reward for success and hard work is generally harder work, there is still something to be said for it. How is that relevant to our MFP lifestyle? Easy... just get to the next paragraph. Which will probably be too short. And boring (see how simple it is for me to lower your expectations?)

This time, for you my reader friends, when I started this "lifestyle change", I set myself on a slow and easy losing path. I said I only wanted to lose a pound a week and then I'd feel successful. I have done a million weight loss programs and lost a TON of poundage right up front in the first few weeks on the "eat nothing but fire and ice" diets (okay, maybe there were a COUPLE other foods thrown in there too). And those pounds left quickly, but they came back just as quickly and they brought friends. And they set up house. In my chinny chin chins.

So this time, for MY sake, I said... let's not try for x pounds in y weeks. Let's just try for one pound. This week. and I lost over 3. And said "CRUD" because NOW I KNEW I was not going to have as good of a second week. And I didn't. But I still lost .6 lbs. So then I was happy because I lost more than I thought I would. And then I weighed in the third week and I had lost another 2 lbs. And I didn't even do my normal "no coffee, workout, shower, dry off (because those extra water molecules do add up on your total), and use the "library" before you weigh in" routine. WHY? Because I wanted to see a loss but not a HUGE loss. Because then I'd be back to the drawing board again. But I still showed a 2 lb loss.

I guess, even when you're not expecting it, if you watch your calories, monitor your eating habits, and control your portions, it is still possible to get lower than you thought.

Now don't expect to see another blog post for at least a month. Or a week. Or maybe sooner...  ;) I'm off to do a moderately okay job cleaning my kitchen. :)

If you're looking for a map to Losertown, there are lots of ways you can NOT get there.

You can take the Easy Train with lots of stops in Candyland and Chipville, but you'll only get to Weigh-a-lot City.

You can take the Fast Train but you'll probably miss your stop and end up in Fast Food Land. There, the calories don't necessarily fill you up, they just fill your arteries.

You can take the Low Rider but you'll end up with bugs in your teeth.

You can try to jump out of an airplane  but then you're just guessing where you'll land.

You cna walk but it will take a long time and along the way you'll question yourself and more often than not get led astray by tempting smells.

 The best way to get to Losertown is to grab some friends and jump in the HOV lane. You know you're all trying to get to the same place, you'll share the load, you know someone's always got their eyes on the prize, and there are plenty of friends to make the trip less boring and celebrate each pit stop.

Seems to me that MFP is just ripe for a carpool... ;) Have a great one!

I'm still very much in the processing stage of this information so pardon me if this blog post is a little, well... off.

My life has really been kind of on hold for more than a year. At least that's how it felt. I have been doing the best I could to manage life after an injury. And I've been cool with fate.  I figured somewhere there's a life lesson I should  be learning.

But the one thing out of all of this that has been my biggest stumbling block has been the uncertainty of my Taekwon-Do future. I MISS being able to stand on my own two feet and train with everyone else. And while I would NEVER ever complain about it, it was hard for me to swallow my pride and watch my TKD brother test for 3rd degree while I  had to sit on the sidelines.  Not that he didn't deserve it. He DID but it was still a bittersweet pill to take.

So for the last year and a half or so, I've  been concentrating on becoming a better academic student and teacher of TKD. I've thrown tons of ideas in the pot and fermented them (some of them turned into vinegar, others made the students whine)... and I've let go of my own goals in favor of helping my students reach theirs. Why? Because I love the art, I love my school, and I love teaching.

But there's always been a little part of me wishing I could still do it. And the reality is, in my own fairly small and insignificant way, I've tried. But no matter how many times I yell at it, or break down and cry and whine and moan, I cannot make my foot work. I can (and do) cheat a little and use the outside edge of my foot to carry me. But the minute I have to turn or pivot or balance on that foot, I'm never sure I'm not going to land on my keister.

And then today, one of my very BFFs who I own and run our school with who just happens to be my instructor called me and told me that I'mgoing to be testing for 3rd Dan (3rd degree black belt) in the not-too-distant future. I suspect she's lost her mind. Somewhere with my keys. But she says she is putting together a plan and I should just shut up and work out. (She said it nicer than that. She's ALWAYS nice. That's why we make such a good team.) She actually spoke with the Powers That Be that lead our National Organization and who are just amazing people and goodness gracious... they blessed this.

So it may not be pretty, or a "normal" test. I won't be doing multiple kicks in the air with a hand technique. Heck. I probably won't be able to actually do kicks because the bad foot on the ground means I fall down and the bad foot kicking means that I don't have good foot positioning.

My balance is kind of shot because of my wobbliness, so that may rule out a "real" self defense routine. Doesn't mean I couldn't defend myself if I had to... just that it would be extremely difficult to "show" good techniques. In a real life self defense situation, no one is judging your technique.

What I probably can do is come up with some awesome step sparring routines. I LOVE step sparring. It's the part of TKD where you get to invent and innovate and create for yourself a structured pattern of attacks and defenses.

I'm terrified. And speechless (which for me is saying A LOT). And not entirely certain that I'm not going to make a complete and total idiot out of myself. But when your instructor tells you to shut up and train, in this art, you do it.

That's all, folks.

So since I didn't get a chance to post any thoughts yesterday because I didn't really have any because they needed time to gel... ahem... I was pondering the notion of coming up with diets that never really caught on. Do NOT try these at home.

1. Eat Only What You Kill Okay, let's be fair. First of all, this would mean my diet would be limited to ants, a mouse, and if we stretch it to include "killed by property owned by me", perhaps the bird that chose my car windshield as its final resting place several years ago. Now, I know there are some hunters out there that will probaby disagree with me on this one, but I don't see this catching on for the general public.

2. Eat Only What You Grow The neighborhood I live in is a cross between Wisteria Lane and suburbia, circa 1964. So I don't exactly have a garden but I have been known to grow tomatoes on my deck. But I don't really want to live on tomatoes. I did get a couple of strawberries. But... ummmm.... yeah. I need more than just 2 foods. Especially when they're both red.

3. Eat Nothing Bigger Than Your Head Sure, it makes sense. Until you think about chocolate and potato chips. I have trouble managing the metric system and I need a tennis ball in my garage so I don't hit the kids' bikes. And you're going to trust MY eyeball of "Well hey, That uberlicious lemon cake is only as big as my chinny chin chins....

4. Eat Nothing You Would Own As A Pet I'm not a HUGE meat fan, but this one seems odd to me. I mean... Pepperidge Farms Goldfish I can see making off limits.... but I've never had to feed, water, or clean up poop after Doritos.

5. Eat Everything As It Arrived From Nature Ahem. Dirt. Bugs. Ick. Need I say more?

6. Eat Only Processed Food  Well, actually... this is probably what did me in in the first place.

 Later... ;)

So, while this body of mine won't be donning a cape and tights anytime soon because I'm pretty sure those seams are not made with SuperStrength stitching because I don't want to show off... I was up very late last night giggling over the possible choices for "If I was a SuperHero". Enjoy and feel free to add your own.

1. SUPER METABOLISM WOMAN 

Costume: Envision one of those girdles really tight undergarments meant to squeeze all the fat in. Now add a cape, and the letters SMW to the back. Try to ignore the bulges around the edges of the costume.

Super Power: Able to metabolize any food at the speed of light. Watch me as I plow through piles of pizzas and wings and pasta and it burns right off me.

My Helpfulness: I save the people from eating the things that would make them gain weight.

My Nemesis: Chef Boyardee.

2. THE BLUE BAYOU

Costume: Imagine yards and yards and yards of tulle in a light blue color. And a veiled hat. Kinda like Princess Beatrice, only not quite as cool. And a runner's bib with the letters BB.

Super Power: Able to clear a table faster than you can finish 1/2 of a restaurant sized portion.

My Helpfulness: I give your body time to register it's full by removing the rest of the temptation and I run so fast (hence I blew by you-- get it?) you never see me disappear. PLUS you get a takehome meal for tomorrow.

My Nemesis: Heels that make it REALLY hard to run.

3. WANDERING WOMAN

Costume: Prep school attire with glasses askew. Bobby pins everywhere. Bobby socks. Think Katy Perry in Last Friday Night... before she was cool. WW is written on her arm. In henna ink. So she remembers her initials.

Super Power: Able to visit an all you can eat buffet and walk out with under 1000 calories to show for it due to my extremely superfast calorie calculation skills.

My Helpfulness: If you follow me and eat what I eat, you can survive a meal at Old Cholesterol Buffet and still lose this week.

My Nemesis: Time. In order to thoroughly evaluate and calculate every single caloric option available, I must program every option into my calculator and by the time I have done so, they've changed the food out.

4. THE CHEWER

Costume: Jeans and a t-shirt  that says "The Chewer - Yeah, I'd Eat That"

Super Power: Able to make each  bite of a meal last long enough to impact the space/time continuum.

My Helpfulness: Not onlydo I help everyone at the table slow down their eating, I'm also really good at whittling with my teeth and incredibly strong jawbone.

My Nemesis: The Dentist.

5. LADY LYCRA

Costume: Need I say more?

Super Power: Able to shift, squish, and squash myself into  a lycra warmup suit. While in a moving minivan. And without ending up with 15 extra chins.

My Helpfulness: Questionable. On the otherhand, I'm also really good at condensing things into smaller packages. Plus, once I'm in my suit, I can barely BREATHE, much less eat.

My Nemesis: The Seam Ripper.

Since I became an adult, I have encountered some of the most mysterious, confusing, and inexplicable things that leave me wondering....

 1. Pants that stop below underwear. Isn't the whole point of UNDERwear that it be worn UNDER? If your pants barely cover your tushie, what is there left to be under?

2. In a similar vein, THONGS. Not the kind you wear on your feet. Those are acceptable. I mean the kind that you could use as floss if you had teeth in your butt. WHAT is the point of those?

3. Teenagers. Need I say more?

4. Train stations are where trains stop... so what exactly are work stations meant to put an end to?

5. How did the Fool get any money to be parted from in the first place?

6. What holds a nonstick pan together if Teflon is so tough nothing will stick?

7. What the #1 pencil did wrong.

8. Before sliced bread... what was the best thing then?

9. What the nine things are that a stitch in time saves.

10. Why you need a garage door "opener" to close the garage door.

11. Why a TV is a "set" if you only get one.

12. What happens to the other sock in the dryer....

 13.  I think I used to have a photographic memory but I must have run out of film....

To Be Continued....

Response to my last blog post was SO outstanding... and many of you shared with me your experiences with people carelessly chomping on their own feet as they tried to ask needless, sometimes ridiculously obvious, and without a doubt STUPID questions. So the list of things NOT to ask continues....

14) Isn't it so hard to lose weight? (Now, to be fair... this one's a little tricky. When asked by another friend who is struggling with their weight as well, this is an empathetic question whose answer demands support. and hugs. When asked, however, by a 100 lb 5'6" Barbiekin after she turns down the last 1/3 of the oreo she started because she was "starving".... the appropriate answer is... I POOP things bigger than you, dear. And I weigh myself afterwards.)

15) Are you allowed to have _______ on this diet? (Let's see. First of all, why are you asking? Are you planning to forcibly shove it down my throat? If not, how about asking.... WOULD YOU LIKE.... some of my buttercoatedlard cookies? Cause whether or not I'm ALLOWED to have them is really up to me. Whether I want to depends on whether they are worth the calories. And those cookies, my friend, aren't worth much.)

16) Well if you REALLY want to lose weight, don't you know all you have to do is stop eating after 9? (After 9 what... pizzas? C'mon... I get home from WORK after 9. Glad to know you've got all the answers but that's not how my life works.)

17) Wouldn't it be better for your diet, dear, if you didn't eat_______? (perhaps since they called you dear, it was meant as a loving statement of concern. But then again, no. You DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY. My answer would be.... But I gave up cannibalism for ______ and I promised myself if I could only have one piece of ________ I wouldn't eat the next person who asked me a rude question. Do you REALLY want me not to have it?)

18) Can you even imagine how much better you're going to look after you've lost those extra 50 lbs? (And this answer assumes the question is NOT being asked by your closest friend who knows the true number of pounds that you are trying to lose and is cheering you on daily.... this is coming from perhaps a complete stranger at the grocery store who is suspiciously eying your basket as you are ringing out and surmising that because everything you are  buying looks relatively healthy.... Best answer is... Gee, I'm glad you think so but if I lose that much weight I'll risk my modelling contract. Then walk away. Quickly.)

19) Do you think you'd be thinner if you were a litte bit busier and didn't have time to eat? (well there you have it. I'm heavy because I was too BORED. With 2 kids and 3 jobs and a house. I finally see it now. I'm not overeating... I'm underutilized. To heck with the diet because ALL The people I know who work 80 hours a week all have time to be healthy and... oh wait. Yeah. That's right it DID have more to do with what I ate.)

20) How can you stand to be around so much food when you can't eat it? (Actually, it's not the food I can't stand to be around.... )

21) Have you ever had someone ask you something totally rude about your diet and then gone and eaten something that made you gain weight just because they offended you so much? (I've thought about it... but you're not worth it. This week I'll be losing some emotional baggage as well as weight.)

We CAN do this. Keep laughing and KEEP LOSING.

We've all got them. "Helpful" friends and family members. Some of them have never battled with weight because they are so naturally thin, others who fought and won because they did XYZ program, and then the clueless filterless few who would be best served duct tape with a side of staples on their lips because they don't take the time or don't have the ability to think through what they are saying.

So for all of you (US) and for all of them, I thought I'd make this handy dandy list of things no one should say to a person who is trying to lose weight if they don't want to be next on the menu... (one caveat here... SOME of these things have actually been overheard, others I TOTALLY made up... ALL are in good fun).

 1. Oh... you joined My Fitness Pal?? Isn't that just like facebook for the heavyset crowd? (NOTE: this is NOT one I heard... and at the risk of offending my new friends who don't know me that well yet, I did NOT use the phrase I originally came up with it. That one was much worse. I have an evil sense of humor.)

2. Did your last diet just not work? (No, it worked great... that's why I'm starting a new one.)

3. How long will you be sticking with it this time? (well, I was planning on forever but now that you mention it I guess i could be done?)

4. You know you could be thin if you just limited yourself to 1,000 calories a day and exercised nonstop. (Yup... And I'm also aware that you could be really injured if I stuck my fork in your eye.)

5. Do you REALLY think an online diet plan can work? (I did until right now. Thanks.)

6. How much weight do you have to lose? (And of course the requisite related questions like.... how much do you weigh and why do you weigh that much...) (I weigh more than my clothes allow.)

 7. Are you sure you're allowed to eat that on this diet? (Yup, as long as I enjoy it with unpleasant company, I'm just fine.)

8. How far along are you? And/or When is the baby due? (No good answer is possible here.)

9. But you already know how to eat healthy. You don't need a website in order to lose weight. Just a little willpower. (Well with an attitude like that, I'm sure that you are right. And this is me... exercising willpower.)

10. You don't need to lose weight. You look great to me. (While I'm flattered that you think I'm doing this for YOU and YOUR opinions, quite honestly, this one's not about you or what you think.)

11. Gee, you're lucky. I have to work so hard to put weight on. (Go eat a cheeseburger with fries. Somewhere else.)

12. I don't remember you as fat, just big boned.  (Funny, I don't remember you. At all.)

13. But can't you just go off your diet for ONE day? It's a celebration/wedding/funeral/barmitzvah/birthdayparty/graduation... (Look. You REALLY don't get this. This is MY CHOICE.  No one's making me do this. No food is forbidden. I just have to plan it. And I can't believe I'm even dignifying this conversation with an answer!)

That's all for today, folks... And if I've offended you or otherwise bothered you.... have a nice day.