I found myself wondering last night; a year ago, did you know that was your last sunset? Did you know that when you tucked in your precious kids, that was the last time? As I layed in bed last night next to my warm husband, all I could think was: a year ago was the last time your wife got to lay next to the love of her life. I thought about her a lot last night. Was she lying awake like I was? She had to be. How much planning went into what you did to them? Was your last morning, one year ago today, rushed? Getting everyone ready for the school day, did you take the time to really tell them you love them? Or was it a quick hug as they ran out the door?
I want to just be sad. I want to just remember you and the good times, but I can't right now. All I can think about is you sitting in the F*@king garage with a loaded gun, KNOWING that when they all get home at 3 and that garage door rolls up they have to see the mess you just made of their father and husband. I'm so furious, I can't stand it. I'm sorry that life got difficult, but that's life! You had loving, supportive parents. A wife who stuck by you through SO much and loved you. Kids who swear you hung the moon... Hell, even your In-Laws adored you!! So you hit a rough patch. SO WHAT!? How many times did you tease me about letting life get me down at times? Acting like I was a big wuss, telling me to suck it up? I want to go back a year and yell at you. SCREAM at you to suck it up!!! This was not your only option. Everything would have been fine. You had so much more than most people will ever have. Your selfish act took away the safety and security of your family. The family that had your back, no matter what. They didn't deserve that. No one does.
There's a memory of you that I use to help me dissolve the anger. I have a habit when people leave my home. I watch their car drive away until it disappears. I've done it for as long as I can remember. One night after a really good talk, you dropped me off. I don't recall why I needed a ride. I stood in my driveway to watch you leave. You walked to your truck and stopped, turned around, and quickly walked back to me in the driveway and bear hugged me. We weren't hugging friends, but that night you practically crushed me. Then without a word, walked back to your truck and drove away. Thank you for that hug. I wish you were here for one right now. Instead, I will go hold my Husband. I will crush him in my arms like it's our last, because you never know when it will be. I will love on my children until they are sick of it, and then I will love on them even more. Life, is a gift. Thank you for reminding me not to waste it.