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Your Last Sunset

I found myself wondering last night; a year ago, did you know that was your last sunset? Did you know that when you tucked in your precious kids, that was the last time? As I layed in bed last night next to my warm husband, all I could think was: a year ago was the last time your wife got to lay next to the love of her life. I thought about her a lot last night. Was she lying awake like I was? She had to be. How much planning went into what you did to them? Was your last morning, one year ago today, rushed? Getting everyone ready for the school day, did you take the time to really tell them you love them? Or was it a quick hug as they ran out the door? 

 I want to just be sad. I want to just remember you and the good times, but I can't right now. All I can think about is you sitting in the F*@king garage with a loaded gun, KNOWING that when they all get home at 3 and that garage door rolls up they have to see the mess you just made of their father and husband. I'm so furious, I can't stand it. I'm sorry that life got difficult, but that's life! You had loving, supportive parents. A wife who stuck by you through SO much and loved you. Kids who swear you hung the moon... Hell, even your In-Laws adored you!!  So you hit a rough patch. SO WHAT!? How many times did you tease me about letting life get me down at times? Acting like I was a big wuss, telling me to suck it up? I want to go back a year and yell at you. SCREAM at you to suck it up!!! This was not your only option. Everything would have been fine. You had so much more than most people will ever have. Your selfish act took away the safety and security of your family. The family that had your back, no matter what. They didn't deserve that. No one does. 

There's a memory of you that I use to help me dissolve the anger. I have a habit when people leave my home. I watch their car drive away until it disappears. I've done it for as long as I can remember. One night after a really good talk, you dropped me off. I don't recall why I needed a ride. I stood in my driveway to watch you leave. You walked to your truck and stopped, turned around, and quickly walked back to me in the driveway and bear hugged me. We weren't hugging friends, but that night you practically crushed me. Then without a word, walked back to your truck and drove away. Thank you for that hug. I wish you were here for one right now. Instead, I will go hold my Husband. I will crush him in my arms like it's our last, because you never know when it will be. I will love on my children until they are sick of it, and then I will love on them even more. Life, is a gift. Thank you for reminding me not to waste it.  

Dread

Tomorrow... is not a day I want to face. It will mark one year since my friend went out for coffee, came home, loaded a gun, went to the garage... and shot himself. His wife and kids came home from school and found him. I hurt. My stomach is literally in knots. I cannot believe it's already been a year. The pain and shock is as fresh now as it was when I first heard. I was at school, and a mutual friend called and told me. Like a zombie, I walked back into the classroom, packed my stuff and walked out to my car. I just sat there for a minute before I started screaming. Then somehow I managed to drive an hour and a half home. I don't remember the drive, but I do remember pulling into my driveway and just sitting there. It had to be 45 minutes of me just sitting there with the engine off and the door open. As if by not going into the house, I could somehow avoid the reality of it.

I knew he was depressed. He had lost his half of a business he owned. The majority of his social life was tied up in it too. It was ugly. He went to court against his best friend to fight for the business. The night before the court date, he blew up my phone at 2:15 am. I knew he was panicking, and I was honestly afraid to answer the phone. I just cried. I didn't know what else to do. The following morning, I found a half drank beer (his type) sitting in front of my house. He had made those calls from the front of my house. I felt sick, and guilty... those feelings were amplified after he died. What if I had just answered the phone? I don't think I will ever stop asking myself that question. 

We had a lot in common. Both married since barely out of our teens. Both have 2 gorgeous, adoring kids. How could he do this to them? I know he loved them... how could he ever think they'd be better off without him here? I'm so angry at him, but I miss him too. I miss our crazy, late talks. I miss those times that what he was saying was so far out there, all I could muster for a response was a shake of my head, and an "Oh, Dave..." Once he got so drunk at my house that he fell into the mantle and found a porcelain angel broken beneath. I told him not to worry about it, but he picked up every piece. A few days later, he called me into his office and handed it to me. It was all glued together, all but one tiny piece. He told me he couldn't sleep one night, so he sat there and fixed it. I still choke up at the thought of this big guy sitting at his table late into the night gluing a delicate little angel together. I cherish that angel, and I cherished his friendship. I hope he knew that. 

I haven't visited his grave. I don't know what I am afraid of. I went to the funeral, but the burial was private. I think I need to go.  

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