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Dread

Tomorrow... is not a day I want to face. It will mark one year since my friend went out for coffee, came home, loaded a gun, went to the garage... and shot himself. His wife and kids came home from school and found him. I hurt. My stomach is literally in knots. I cannot believe it's already been a year. The pain and shock is as fresh now as it was when I first heard. I was at school, and a mutual friend called and told me. Like a zombie, I walked back into the classroom, packed my stuff and walked out to my car. I just sat there for a minute before I started screaming. Then somehow I managed to drive an hour and a half home. I don't remember the drive, but I do remember pulling into my driveway and just sitting there. It had to be 45 minutes of me just sitting there with the engine off and the door open. As if by not going into the house, I could somehow avoid the reality of it.

I knew he was depressed. He had lost his half of a business he owned. The majority of his social life was tied up in it too. It was ugly. He went to court against his best friend to fight for the business. The night before the court date, he blew up my phone at 2:15 am. I knew he was panicking, and I was honestly afraid to answer the phone. I just cried. I didn't know what else to do. The following morning, I found a half drank beer (his type) sitting in front of my house. He had made those calls from the front of my house. I felt sick, and guilty... those feelings were amplified after he died. What if I had just answered the phone? I don't think I will ever stop asking myself that question. 

We had a lot in common. Both married since barely out of our teens. Both have 2 gorgeous, adoring kids. How could he do this to them? I know he loved them... how could he ever think they'd be better off without him here? I'm so angry at him, but I miss him too. I miss our crazy, late talks. I miss those times that what he was saying was so far out there, all I could muster for a response was a shake of my head, and an "Oh, Dave..." Once he got so drunk at my house that he fell into the mantle and found a porcelain angel broken beneath. I told him not to worry about it, but he picked up every piece. A few days later, he called me into his office and handed it to me. It was all glued together, all but one tiny piece. He told me he couldn't sleep one night, so he sat there and fixed it. I still choke up at the thought of this big guy sitting at his table late into the night gluing a delicate little angel together. I cherish that angel, and I cherished his friendship. I hope he knew that. 

I haven't visited his grave. I don't know what I am afraid of. I went to the funeral, but the burial was private. I think I need to go.  

19 votes + -

17 comments:

AmberJslimsAWAY wrote over 2 years:
I am so sorry that you're going through this and that you lost a good friend of yours.
LifeOnMars_ wrote over 2 years:
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I really don't have any other words. But I'm sending good thoughts your way. *hugs*
WhitneyAnnabelle wrote over 2 years:
I am so, so sorry. I don't know what else to say. I hope you find the solace you need. I know I'm some random stranger on the Internet, but I have been at that place of almost no return, and I am absolutely here if you just need some random person to talk with. My husband lost his best friend in high school to a self-inflicted gunshot wound. He was supposed to be at Nick's house when it happened. That was almost 10 years ago, and Nick still cries every time he hears certain songs. I actually lost an acquaintance a few days ago to the same thing; I can't imagine how I would feel if I had been any closer to him-- just knowing him and that he EXISTED is painful in itself. While the pain never goes away, all we can hope for is cherishing those loving memories and the comfort of the people around us who will help us through it all. Thinking of you.
JakinsandPeykins wrote over 2 years:
Gave me chills. It will be a hard day, but just a day, none the less. 24hrs. Go visit his grave. Stay in bed all day if you want to. I lost my mom in 06 and visiting her grave is still hard. It is almost like admitting she is gone. Just do everything in your own time.
DAM_Fine wrote over 2 years:
I think you do need to go. You need to go and sit and cry and yell and talk to him. Tell him just what you have told us. You need to yell at him and cry for him and let him know that even though he is gone, he is still loved and still remembered. You will find that it will be as though he is there listening, and it will bring some ease to the pain you feel. Do it, please, for your sake and just maybe, for his.
EmCarroll1990 wrote over 2 years:
Oh sweetie. I am so so sorry. You need to remember, nothing you could have done (like answering the call) would have made a difference, I'm sure he weighed the pros and cons many times before. Do whatever you need to do, and I think Deirdre's onto something there. You need some closure.

I lost a friend last year to a drug overdose, and granted it's not the same, but I am mad at him, and I miss him dearly. Self-inflicted deaths are the worse, you get mad, you get angry, and then you feel bad for having those thoughts, but it's normal. You need to grieve. You need to grieve hard.

I'm here if you need to vent.

xoxo.
CassieReannan wrote over 2 years:
I'm really sorry...
My fiances father died of suicide too. Depression. I know what it does to people, how much it hurts.
If you ever need someone I'll be here.
happypath101 wrote over 2 years:
My high school friend committed suicide. When was it? 23 years ago? She jumped off a bridge I drive over about once a week. I think of her every time. I pray for her parents every time. Every single time I drive over that bridge. I picture her dark hair in the water..... I'm sorry if that's tmi. I hope my sharing helps you. It hurts like hell. I'm glad you can express yourself here. You're not alone. You're not to blame.
ice1200s wrote over 2 years:
I feel for you. I wish there was something we all could do for you, but, of course, there isn't. This is a journey, however long it takes, that you just have to take. None of this is/was your fault. Even if you answered the phone, he, most likely, would have done the same thing the next day, or the next week. Suicide is a selfish act and you need to forgive him AND yourself. I hope God eases your pain soon. Ciao, Marc
MissJay75 wrote over 2 years:
I recently hit the milestone of the death of a very close friend as well. I found myself supressing my tears a lot because I didn't want to break down in front of my kids. The circumstances were different, but I understand your heartache and your feelings of guilt. Praying for comfort and healing for you, and for your friend's family.
swthrtsmrf wrote over 2 years:
I feel your pain. Went thru that in March. I lost my brother-in-law/best friend. All you can do is take it one day at a time. One step at a time. Try not to let the guilt get to you. If you let it, it will eat you alive. Maybe visiting his grave and talking to him there will help you. Talk it out to him. You would be amazed at how much that can help. Big hugs and prayers!
saynotofat wrote over 2 years:
I can so relate to you. Today would have been my only nephew's 26th birthday. But in July 2010, he took his own life by suicide with a gun, leaving two small children behind. My heart is broken and it still doesn't feel real. I miss him so very much.
kaileep87 wrote over 2 years:
The best advice I can give to you is to just talk. Talk to him now, whether or not you go to his grave, he will hear you. You cannot change what happened, and he knows and always has known you loved and cherished those times you had in this life together. Don't punch at yourself and do "what if's" for forever... it will only make everything worse. Stay close to his family, help them out, they need his best friend to be there for them. Helping them can help heal you.... Trust me.
a21smp wrote over 2 years:
I'm sorry for your loss and your heartache. I think it would be benificial for you to visit his grave. Lots of love and peace for you.
ScubaAmyMN wrote over 2 years:
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Perhaps your sharing will help someone else. I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.
wccngr wrote over 2 years:
As someone who also lost a best friend to sudden suicide - my heart goes out to you. If you need/want to talk with someone who's been there/going through the same things feel free to message me. <3
amandamay71 wrote over 2 years:
Suicide is such a horrible ending for all involved.. If only this and if only that..... Let yourself be free you were a beautiful friend... I hope that you find the courage to go to his grave and spea about how you are feeling... read aloud what ou have written here.... This might help you find the closure you need.. Hugs xx

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