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Just One Of Those Days

Alright...

Any lofty ideas I had for today are kaput. 

It's not been the worst day ever but it's just been rough. Things haven't been smooth since I left the house and I keep telling myself it will get better.

I think I'm going to change my tune.

I'm just going to accept that today isn't a great day. It's not going to smooth out and I just need to push through. And I also need to take care of myself with as much love and understanding as I can because, hell, I could do EVERYTHING RIGHT and it still wouldn't matter.

Today sucks.

I can't control the outside forces around me like other people and their reactions. I also can't have any control over what is handed to me and in what manner.

What I can work on is how I let it affect me. Whether or not I allow it to change my mood.

I can't control everything else but I can manage to work on me.

So I'll raise my nice long middle fingers up and flip this day the bird.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Ambrose was having a bad day  Andhe didn't care who knew it.

An Observation About Ponytails

I have long hair. This is new to me. I've always kept my hair short for one reason or another. Either for easy maintenance or just because my hair naturally curls and shorter means curlier.

But as of late, I've let it grow and it's now reaching the middle of my back. 

It's like I'm 10 years old again. I play with it, twist it around my fingers. I brush it and put it up into braids and buns and ponytails.

Hell, I've even worn it in pigtails...

What's funny is that I've never paid any attention to the girls at the gym and how they wear their hair when it's long until I grew mine out. Now I can't help but look and wonder, how do they do it?!

For example, my Zumba instructor has very long hair. I think it reaches her lower back if she were to wear it down. She's a fiesty little thing and dances every class like it's a true performance. It's why I love her and try not to miss her class. Her energy is infectious. 

And it doesn't hurt that she's cute as all get out.

But it boggles my mind that she can dance and sweat and get her samba on with her long ponytail draped down her back. HUH!?

This was fascinating to me. 

So last night I got to class and my hair was down. I put it up in a ponytail, about to wrap it up into a tight bun when I thought, Hummm....maybe I should just let it hang there.

Yeah...after an hour of swatting myself in the eye, getting strands caught in my mouth and eyelashes, not to mention the sweat that was dripping from the end that flew in all direction, I was done.

How do girls do it?! Is it easier if it's longer? 

I'll admit to even trying to jog with it. For about the first 1.5 miles I was feeling sexy with that long ponytail swishing behind me with each step. I could only image how I looked as I ran past, all athletic and swishy.

That was until it smacked my open eye and caused it to blur with tears and I had to stop to wipe them away. Ouch...

Girls with the ponytails that work out hard and still look good doing it, I commend you.

For now, I'll stick to wearing my hairs up!

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For What It's Worth

I've never been big on self-esteem. It's an old wound, one I haven't been able to stay healthy enough for long enough to heal but from a young age I've struggle with feeling that I was worth something.

That I was worth the time, worth the effort. That I was worth the fight.

This is old stuff. Stuff from my childhood. Stuff that comes up whenever I'm working at bettering myself.

I'm halfway to my goal, officially. And I realized, as the image in the mirror changes drastically with each pound down, that the lower I get, the more layers I'll be peeling off.

Layers that currently guard me. That have been put on in response to some losses I've suffered over the past 18 months. That have been built up around me to protect what little feelings of worth I have left.

I've lost friendships. I've lost relationships. I've let go of dreams and of future plans. So much lost in just a short year and a half.

And all of this, in my heart, boils down to not feeling worthy. That I wasn't worth any of those people and their love. That I wasn't worth sticking to the plans made with me. That I wasn't worth being honest with.

So here I am, the first layer shucked off. The layer I built around after the first heartache when I learned the true identity of a man I loved and lived with. When I was hurt and scared so badly by his choices, by his manipulation that I built a layer around me for protection. For comfort. I felt that I wasn't worthy of his honesty.

That layer wasn't even dried before I started another, one that is still fresh. Another love was ended when it was discovered that this wasn't where he wanted to be right now. And I wasn't worth the fight. We weren't worth the fight.

It wasn't until now that I realized, as I lose these layers, as I dig deeper for my healthiest version of myself, I'll have to paddle through some shit. I'll have to work my way through the tough stuff and deal with it.

And right now, my biggest fear is that when all is said and done, I will find underneath these layers what these other people saw. 

A girl not worth it. Not worth the fight, not worthy of honesty, not worth anything good.

I just hope, as I keep working and losing that what I'll find the strength to replace all this nastiness with my own self-love and my own sense of worth.

I hope to find me.

Be Careful What You Wish For....

For the better part of a year, I complained and struggled to lose the extra weight I've been carrying.

For a year I tried new things, failed a few times but I always came back, never really ready to give up all the way.

I think my mind got used to the fact that I wasn't able to lose and that something in my system was not balanced and keeping the weight on. Hormones or stress (or both) were my top suspects.

Then something changed and all the wishes I made that my weight would just start to drop, that the numbers would reflect all my hard work, that I could see the results in not just my endurance and my inches lost but also in my clothes and the scale, came true.

I guess I got used to complaining and got used to just working out not to see weight lost but to feel good because now that my wishes have come true, my brain is struggling to keep up. 

My body I playing catch up while my brain is asking "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!?"

This is the emotional side of weight loss. When your brain and your heart see what's happening and ask "Are we ready for this? Is this really what we want"?

It's easier to carry the weight. It's easier to have that extra inch of thickness to protect you. Its fun to have people say "wow, you look great! Are you losing weight?" But it's not fun to have people notice you've put all those hard-fought pounds back on,

Maybe, I'm struggling because I'm afraid to fail. Again.

I've lost the weight before. But I gained it all back. And now here I am, working out, logging my food, being active and I'm worried it's all for naught. That in the end, I'll let go, gain it back, be a disappointment again. That's I'll just end up right back where I started...

That I'm not really worth all the fight...sigh....

That I'm not worth it.

I guess, along with this leg of my weight loss journey, I have to work on my confidence and my self-worth.

Looks like I'm going to have to fight...for me. 

Tug of War

Have you ever played tug of war? You know, you're on one end and your opponent is on the other end of a long rope and the point is to pull the other team down?

It would seem that I've been in a tug of war with my body. For a year I worked and logged, fell off the wagon to get back up again and dust myself off. There was  A LOT of frustration and a lot of "Why isn't this working????" as I sluggishly worked off 11 lbs. 11 POUNDS! THAT was it! And I had a total of 30 to go. All seemed hopeless...

But I never gave up.

As I was tugging and fighting and cursing and even crying at times during this battle against myself, it would seem that my body decided to just let go.

Up went my opponent's hands and down I went. Literally.

In 3 weeks I've lost 5 lbs. 

Onto my butt I fell and now I'm a little confused. Why did it take so long? How long can this losing trend last? Have I done something differently and if so, what?! 

I don't want to lose this momentum but I'm pretty confident that a plateau may be around the corner.

So, like before, I won't give up! I'll keep at it.

I'll just keep tuggin'.

And I'll expect the unexpected. 

The Little Things

Some little things...

  • I got a lot of great news at my son's conference today at school. He's doing extremely well. All that stressing about homework and his behavior in class has slowly been lifted. And as it lifts, the weight is coming off.
  • My new jeans fit...but not really. They are actually too big and a little too long. Looks like I'll need to find a tailor to help make things fit better.
  • I bought a new sweater dress in preparation for those cooler days/nights and the upcoming holidays. I'm going to need to have it taken in.
  • I ran 2.2 miles in 28 minutes. My time is slowly getting better and my attitude about running has vastly improved.
  • My costume fits! The only area with a problem is the sleeves and that's because fair maidens back in the medevial times didn't pump iron, and I do :)
  • My dad asked me "How much weight have you lost?" and I told him "About 14 lbs." He gestured to his face and said "Well you can see it now."
  • I look forward to Monday and Tuesday when I have to do 50 crunches, lunges, squats, and jumping jacks and I have to hold planks. It's becoming my drug.
  • I've been getting looks and attention. Nice attention. And, instead of looking away or shyly hiding, I'm returning the smiles.
  • I no longer feel I need to hide myself. I'm not ashamed of my figure and my weight. I know it's a work in progress but what matters is that I'm working on it.

Autopilot

I don't feel like doing today. I didn't feel like doing yesterday, either. Or tomorrow for that matter. Let's just go ahead and said this week isn't looking bright and I'm ready for Saturday already.

I can't tell if it's mental, emotional, hormonal or all of the above.

Maybe it's one that's causing the rest.

Either way I feel cloudy. 

Even with all this negative energy circling me, I have to say I'm happy that MFP allows me the option to copy from other dates into my diary. 

I allows me to deal with the funk but not to lose sight of my end goal. Of my routine I've worked so hard to create.

Now to continue with my grumpiness.

Carry on...

Face In The Mirror

Recently, I got caught in front of the camera. An action that I've been finding myself doing more often. Pictures are never kind unless you own and can utilize photoshop. I can't so I've stayed away from the front of the camera whenever I could.

At a show to see Incubus in LA, my mom and I stopped to pose and capture the moment in a picture. When I posted it to my Facebook page, something bothered me about it. Something was wrong with it and I couldn't put my finger on it.

Not till today.

I'm apart of a challenge and on Mondays this month we are to do crunches/lunges/squats/jumping jacks, 50 of each. When I take a break at work, I make time to fit a few in so that by the end of the work day, all I have to do are my 50 crunches at home.

In the ladies break room in front of a long mirror, I do my squats and lunges, checking to make sure my form is correct. Today, as I stared at myself lunging and working out my thigh muscles, I couldn't help but get that niggling feel again. The same one I felt when I snapped that picture on the night of the concert.

Then it hit me. My face looks different. My cheekbones are more pronounced. My chin has more shape. My nose looks bigger and shaped differently. The skin around my mouth frames it more, like a parenthesis around anything I say.

All the sudden I got mixed signals. Apart of me was jumping for joy! My successful healthy eating and my workout plans have finally made a difference! My double chin is easier to hide and my skin is clearer from all that water I drink every day.

But another part of me is scared. I've been looking at this face for so long while carrying this extra weight that I had forgotten how defined my features were when I dropped a few pound. Suddenly I didn't recognize myself and I started to worry that the more I lost, the less of myself I'd know. 

What about other people? Would I be treated differently because I was thinner, because I was healthier? Would people like me more than before, when my cheeks were pudgy and my smile wasn't so defined by my laugh lines? What would I do with more attention? I don't like it in the first place...

So I got caught in a panic of what to do. How do I manage all the emotional changes as I watch the face in the mirror change? Because, it's going to change. I'm closer to the half way point in my journey than to the beginning and my logic tells me to expect more changes to come.

In the end, what other people think isn't nearly as important as what I think about myself. I guess then the real question is, will I be able to still like myself, love myself even, as I keep up this routine of healthy eating and regular exercise? Will I still be able to find me in the pictures I'll take?

How do I begin to cope with the changes I'll see in the mirror from here on out?

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