One Last Time

This isn't anything monumental. But for only the second time since I started here, I gained back a pound. SO.....

That means one of 2 things....I ate too much, or the lower reading was not a true reading.

Now I KNOW I didnt eat too much from Monday to Tuesday. :) My diary will attest to that.

Did I retain water? Dont think so...dont feel bloated. Everything feels the same.

Did the scale lie on Monday? No...scales dont lie...LOL!

So in conclusion, my body was just being a beyotch. And since the body is not like a roommate that you can ignore or close the door on, I just have to sit there and take it...LOL!

And here I was worried about losing too fast. Silly me! :D

We'll see what happens on Monday....

I am beginning to wish we didnt have a full, wall length mirror in the master bath. Everytime I get out of the shower, there I am....in all my glory. And I hate the way I look.

But, then, I get dressed, put on a pair of jean shorts and a close fitting tank top, look in the mirror again and think, "... geez, I look pretty good!"

So back and forth I go in my mind. I go from "this is going to take forever and I dont know if am I strong enough to be able to go the distance." to "I am doing really well and I like how I am starting to look and I am going to go the distance!"

One thing I have noticed....I use a bath sheet to dry myself after my shower because I always needed a BIG towel because regular sized ones didnt go around me. Well, the bath sheet is starting to go WAY around me...which pleases me. 

But I am anxious to be out of these bigger clothes and into some of the smaller ones. I know I am impatient about that. But with the cooler weather just around the corner, I am looking forward to wearing nice jeans and close fitting tops instead of the baggy jeans and loose shirts I have been wearing for years. And I am hoping that being thinner will mean fewer hot flashes and that I might even be able to wear sweaters again! Pretty sweaters...sexy sweaters. We hardly use the heat in the winter and I live in shorts and t-shirts inside because I am always HOT!

I joined a group here called "20 Pounds by Christmas". I fully intend to reach that goal. But then I still have another 20 pounds to lose after that. And I may have to lose even more depending on how I look.The last couple workouts were tough for me....I didnt want to bother. I pushed myself but how long can I keep that up? Or will I get a second wind and be ok?

Now I know there are people here who have a LOT more weight to lose than I do. Does having more weight to lose make their quest more difficult than mine? I don't think so. Collectively we all have the same problems and thoughts. However, I do admit when I see someone that says they weigh 150 and want to lose 30 pounds, all I can think is, "GEEZ....I wish I weighed 150!" But, to them, that 30 pounds is as much a millstone around their bellies as my 60 pounds. 

Today I saw the success story of a woman who has been on MFP for 2 years and just reached her goal. She looks fabulous! She looks like I want to look. And I go back and forth between thinking I will look like that one day and I will NEVER look that good. SHEESH! 

I know I am doing it. I feel the clothes fitting better. I know my b/f can see the physical change in me. He has actually started asking me if I have eaten my quota? He never bothered before. He likes what he is seeing and I know he wants me to succeed.

I want me to succeed even more. I simply cant fail. I am too afraid to.

But can I? May 21st, 2013 (my one year MFP anniversary) seems so far away right now.  Back and forth....

....unless you are waiting to get into one. :)

However, like the number on the scale, its JUST a number. We tend to get obsessed with numbers when it comes to our bodies. I guess its unavoidable...calories, carbs, sizes, BMR, TDEE, inches, minutes and distance, pounds, ounces...SHEESH!

But some of those numbers are necessary. Can't keep track of where we have been or where we are going without them. We are a society of numbers..we wouldnt have computers without them. Personally, however, I suck at math.

What size are you now? What size do you WANT to be?

Right now, if I want to be technical, I am a size 17...LOL! Somewhere between an 18 and a 16. Some 16's fit...some dont. Some 18's fit...some are too big. But what is interesting is that I was a size 16 when I weighed 170 pounds....a LONG time ago and 20 pounds less than I weigh now. So how come I am fitting into 16's when I weighed nearly 20 pounds more? 

We are the sad (or happy) victims of the fashion industry that wants to make us believe our obesity is not so bad. For the weight and shape I was back in the 70's, I wore a size 9/10. Today that same weight and shape is a 5/6.(I would have done ANYTHING back then to have been a size 6!)  I wear an 16/18 now.....back then I would have been more like a 22/24. Clothing sizes are no longer relevant except when you are picking them off the rack....and depending on the manufacturer, you can wear several different sizes at one time, like I am now. Its crazy! Does any of us REALLY know what size we are? How many times do you have to take at least 2 of the same garment into the fitting room because you dont know? :) 

I am at the point now that I just go through the clothes I own and try them on. If they fit, I wear them. If they dont, I put them away. I still buy SOME clothes but lately I have been buying things I know wont fit me now....because I know they will eventually and I am only looking to the future. Being a yo-yo dieter for so many years means I have several wardrobes, and clothes that still have the tags on them...never worn.  Its depressing, albeit motivating. I am surprised some of them havent disintegrated by now. I have had to toss some things where the elastic rotted. And donated others that are simply no longer in fashion.

But rather than wishing to be in a certain size, my one main goal and one that I hope to keep forever, is only wearing slacks with a waistband....no more elastic waists, except for workout clothes. Waistbands are a NSV in my book.  

Sizes. They are relative and only necessary when you are in the store. Be happy with your body...not your size. Its just a number. :)

I think I have always been a patient person. I remember when I was a young adult, I never minded waiting for things. Waiting in lines at Christmas time, waiting in lines at the movies, waiting for the right relationship. But the ONE thing I never wanted to wait for was losing weight. In my own defense, however, as much as I knew about losing weight (having done it so many times) I really didnt know anything. I thought, like a lot of people did, that the less you eat, the faster you will lose and get it over with. And when I would gain it back, I figured I was simply MEANT to be fat....it was genetic. My mother was heavy, my sister was heavy (till she was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid and lost 50 pounds in 60 days!), my grandmothers were heavy. All the girls were heavy and all the boys were thin....they took after my dad. The only thing I got from him was my height...both my mom and sis were shorter than me. How did I get so unlucky? Was I ever going to be thin forever instead of for a few months? Was there a way that would work for me? Or was I DOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!!??

In the back of my mind I could hear a voice saying, "If you want this weight off permanently, you have to take your time."  Being thin is SO important! But who wants to go slow when you cant stand how you look or feel? Its like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka...."I want it NOW!!!" Its an epidemic in society....instant gratification. Get it quick! Well, that might work for candy or Oompaloompas, but not for losing weight. You cant fight mother nature and she says that if you want to keep your lost weight off, you need to take it off SLOWLY. Fast off, fast on. That's how your body works and there is no changing that if you are prone to being obese like me. 

We are all in this together....no matter what our personal weight goals may be, our common goal is the same. If you have a LOT of weight to lose, it may feel like a daunting task you have no patience for. If you only have 20 pounds to lose you probably just want to get it over with. Well, in either case, you only have the rest of your life. Or, as my mother might say, "Here's your hat....What's your hurry?" 

So I am sitting here and my stomach is growling. Why would I feel compelled to write about this?

Because, for me, this is a new and rare feeling. Before I started losing weight, I never had feelings of hunger. Why? Because my stomach was always full. I ate because I loved food...not because I needed to eat. I told myself that I had to eat because I was hungry. The truth was I WANTED to eat because it gave me pleasure. And, of course, I mostly ate all the wrong things....and TOO much of them.

Years ago when I would try and starve myself to lose weight, I would get those hunger pains. But I told myself that I had plenty of fat reserves for my body to dip into and to ignore the pain till it went away, thinking I would be fine. Admit it now...how many of YOU used to be of the same opinion? ;) 

A certain obese politician, who shall remain nameIess for obvious reasons, made a comment related to his weight. He said something to the effect that you dont have to smoke or drink alcohol, but you DO have to eat. Well, that is true. But gluttony is not the same as eating to give your body energy to survive and be healthy. If you go into a restaurant and watch a thin person eat, they probably arent eating salad but they ARE pushing the plate away when they have had enough. They dont eat till they are stuffed...they eat till they are satisfied. How many overweight people do that?

The feeling of hunger isnt a pleasant feeling but its has a purpose....to let you know your body does need to eat. Even if you are overweight and get those feelings, you still need to eat. Our bodies work that way...you have to eat to lose PROPERLY. Now I cant eat 3000 calories and then exercise half of them off. Its not physically possible for me. The exercise, I mean. I could very EASILY eat 3000 calories a day....heck, I used to eat a plate of spaghetti and meat sauce that was easily 2/3rds of that for dinner. No wonder I never felt hungry.

So as I sit here eating my breakfast bar, I realize I now have no desire to stuff myself with food. I would rather let my body dictate what it needs to me. Its a lot smarter than I am.