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Really? No, I mean Really?

My brother has brain cancer and so he is eating a very specific diet.  For support I am eating the same diet as he is, with the same restrictions.

I have lost 4 inches on my waist in three months.  Win.  And I am not going to say anything against it, and I am VERY HAPPY about it.

 So here is the emotionally difficult part of this process.  I look in the mirror as I get ready to shower.  I look fatter.  Why?  Because I have lost my weight in some areas more quickly than others.  I look worse.

I got myself to this point.  I am the one that ate all those meaningless calories and saved them, like treasure, all over my body.  I don't get to chose what order or at what proportion I lose all that poisonous fat.  

But even knowing that I am moving in the right direction, and there is no reason for negative feelings.  Man it can be soul crushing.  You think things like, "why would anyone want to be in my arms if they have to press up against that?"  Or "I would not be surprised if people were embarassed to be seen with me."

I know my friends are not so shallow.  But it is a challenge to overcome that negative self talk.  Partially because I don't know how it got there.  I am generally looking at the goal and measuring what I need to do to get there.  I am not one to sit around and wallow in a negative thought about myself.  But it caught me.

Good news, no emotional eating.  Just a sad day.  And knowing it is okay to be sad is a win in itself.


Rock on. 

Some Days

In "conversation" with a friend on MFP, she brought up that idea that she is still the same person as when she started. 

I was thinking about that and I think there is some truth to that and some bit of , well let's say it can be misleading.  For she is a confident, powerful, beautiful woman.  She has worked so very hard for all of that.  She has  the kind of physical beauty that can intimidate others.  She is a rock star!

I did really well, and then I had to make a few decisions.   I am currently getting up at 6 am and working until I go to bed around 9 pm M-F.  Most weekends are almost as full.  This is because I am working full time, trying to get a house sold, and starting a business.  I have put on a good deal of the weight I lost. 

So I am trying to get the diet right and figure out how to get workouts in. Meanwhile weeks disappear.  And even though the business is a lot more work, it energizes me and is what I would like to do as a profession if I can get it built up to that level.

So I am struggling.  And as such, I sometimes still feel like that guy that gets ignored by the girls because I am not small enough (and never will be even at ideal weight) to be a fashion diva.  That I am only sexy when a refridgerator needs moved.

Most days I care little of what anyone thinks of me.  I have done too many things, had way too many accoplishments that were important to me, and am too smart to give a flying......well I don't care what people think for the most part.  It is a beautiful thing.

But....Some days I am the new kid at school.  I am the guy that no one understands.  The guy that sits alone...pretty much everywhere.  Those are hard days. 

But I have found that although most of you are scattered across the planet, I am sitting alone only as long as I chose to (Because one of you is going to throw fruit at me, or let me know about the latest whatever....and because of that you have more value to me than you can know.).  I am not the only one struggling...And NIETHER ARE YOU.

My friend that is a rock star and all that is awesome still struggles.  I do too.  And that is okay.  If she can be a being of complete WOW, so can I.  Thus so can you.  

 And then we can do what we do every night Pinky.......


Ugly Win Again...


Cruising through news feed....I see some of you need to hear this...I know I do.


I love the ugly win.  Where you are on the verge of not working out, but instead you do the worst workout of your life.  WIN!  Or you start to eat a box of doughnuts and stop after the first one and give the rest away...okay after the second or even third one.....WIN! 

Sure, they are not ideal and not, let me say "not pretty" is a lie...they are UGLY.

But they are still wins.  They are small and may not seem like much, but they count double.  Because you did not do the bad thing and you did the good thing.  Or the more gooder thing.

So every time you have an ugly win, you automatically get Brute Love.

It is okay to feel angry, lonely, frustrated, defeated.  AS LONG AS THAT IS NOT YOUR LAST ACTION.  Do a burpee, pushup (on your knees counts), a couple jumping jacks.....that is an ugly win. (BTW it is okay to feel joy, to feel happy, and to feel loved too)


Listen, you get Brute love anyway...but you get extra when you push through that trial and get the ugly win.  We all fail from time to time, just don't make it a habit.  When you fall, get back up.

"Why do we fall Bruce?" ~ Thomas Wayne


Rock on!

No Drama

I looked at my last blog here.  Wow, I have not improved at all.  But I have figured a few things out.


I have 168 hours in a week.  Just like you or anyone.  That means I do not have time to do everything.  I have over extended myself by a lot.  So I am considering how to get through that which I am already obligated and then focus on things in order of priority.

In this same vein I have realized that if I work overtime, of which I now have the opportunity for quite a bit, I can pay for 2-3 hours of labor on other things.  Specifically the house I need to prepare to sell.

Stuff ties into that.  Literally all the stuff I own.  I have found, living between two houses, that I have a lot of stuff that I never look at and do not need.  Some of the hours I have will be dedicated to getting rid of things that I no longer need but simply have not gotten rid of.  Donate and dump.  All the clutter slows me down when I am trying to get things done.

Organization...or lack of it, is tied to those 168 hours.  During the donate and dump phase, I will be organizing as well.  I have already been making more concious choices to actually keep what organization I have and to clean up as I go.  Not always the best on those fronts, but working on it.

I have been working for a few years now on getting rid of pretense in my life.  I am not perfect at it, and I still work at and struggle with it.  But the more I reduce it, the less drama, the happier I am.  I have found myself saying things like, " I care about you, I am here for you, but I will not participate in hostile or negative activities with you.  If you want to be upset/angry/sad that is up to you.  I will look for a solution to the problem and move on."

That has reduced my Drama Lhama in size to about the size of a Drama cat.  I am happier.  

Now to prioitize the cooking and the exercise.  Because I am back up quite a bit...and I am not emotional about it.  Just trying to find the solution that I can stick with that works for me.  I am sure that will change throughout my life, but I will keep working at it.

Rock on and be an awesome you.

I guess that is good

Here I am, looking at the weight I have gained back.  Not happy about that, but it hits me that there is no emotional response this time....Yes this is not the first time I have gained back a loss.

I am looking at it as problem to be solved, a challenge to be over come.  I think that is progress.  I have had so much emotion tied to the weight, and in the past a serious gain sent me into a tail spin that added more weight.  But today I get up, drink my water, have some coffee, look at the plan for food for the day and exercise for the week.  Hunker down and do the work.

I know what happened.  It is not an excuse, it is just what happened.  Finishing up an accelerated degree, dealing with two houses (redoing both), as well as all the things a full time job with overtime and being involved with family will throw at you.  I lost that battle with weight as I was simply unable to do it all and maintain.  I did not find the time to cook as I was, and money was not what it had been with all the obligations of the houses and paying for school out of pocket.  So some of the staples during my big losses were no longer available.  I made poor choices and allowed some really crap eating because it was fast.

I can evaluate, adjust, and move forward.  The degree is done. 4.0 gpa.  One house will not get enough attention to sell it.  I am pushing the development of a small business in 2015, so I have to get the food straight and get the workouts in like I used to do them.  I want to lift, but I need to be flexible and do a body weight workout when I cannot lift.

So I am happy that I am not all emotional about the gain.  Not happy about the gain.  But I feel that I have moved forward.  I am not a failure, I am strong and capable.  I simply need to ensure I spend enough energy on my health.

So let's see where this goes.

Dude, I'm a train wreck.

I have been trying to encourage a number of people both here on MFP and in a few other forums that deal with health and exercise.  Some like what I say, and others are less than happy to read what I have to say.  But I only put my honest opinion.  Key word being opinion.


One of my friends thanked me today.  She is a lovely woman that struggles like we all do.  After reading her thanks, it dawned on me. 

I assume she knows I am a train wreck too.

After making a comment that was meant to encourage her, and it seems to, I decided to open my diary to my friends.......because I had closed it.......because I wasn't logging at all due to the tail spin I was in with food.  So I had to make it private so I would log honestly and actually see what is going on.....because just like her and a number of the people reading this.....I struggle.

 Sometimes I can relate to you most closely when I have no one telling me the things I am telling you.....because it is easier for me to believe in you than in my ability to carry on and do what I know I should be doing.  Sometimes believing in you helps me gain perspective on myself.

So thank you for accepting my encouragement, my congratulations, my view into your world.  Because, dude, I am a train wreck too.



Tail Spin

I can see it happening right now.  Right in front of my eyes and I am aware of it.  The problem is, what can I do?

This is NOT a "poor me" post.  This is me really trying to figure out what is going on, and if anyone else is out there going through this, you know you are not alone.  Because right now I am very alone.

So what is happening is that my life, like so many others, is going a bit sideways.  This is what has always happened in the past.  I get some good results....then slide back...then get some good results....and slide back.

I am, without a doubt, overextended.  I am working a full time job that has recently spun into pure overload.  Even with overtime all the time I cannot get all the work done.  My boss knows this and is working to get another person hired, but that could be 6 months to a year out.

I am going to school full time in an accelerated program for my Bachelor degree in Health and human services management.  I have hit the first few classes that require me to actually study and put in time on projects.

Before the opportunity for school showed up, I bought a second house that was forclosed and have been reworking it.  Due to school and work commitments it has been a year and a half in the process. 

So, I am paying two sets of household bills, water bills, taxes and insurance.  So I really need any overtime I get.  But I need the study time so when not working overtime I am doing the study for school.  And occasionally I get a little work done on the house.

The work on the house is at least very physical.  But my food is out of control.  Even if I do alright through the day, I eat too much in the evening.  I am not getting any sort of regular workouts.  All I want to do is sleep and escape. (yes mild depression as mentioned below.)

School is over in November.  But I can do a lot of damage to myself in three months.  I don't want that.

I have no illusions.  This is all about what is happening in my brain.  In the past I would ignore it until I had to move up a pant size, be disgusted with myself and then start over while hating myself for letting it happen.  This is a sincere effort to not let that happen.  But I am losing.  I think most people know that it takes you into a tail have a bad day, make bad choices, and then feel bad about the choices and yourself....which leads to starting a day where you already feel bad about yourself and your life and makes bad choices easier.....I am trying to break that.

There is no day that I cannot get a 15 minute HIIT workout in, only excuses.

There is no day that I cannot eat what I should.  I have prepared a ton of food and it is in the freezer, all I have to do is heat and eat.  Pack the lunch that is premade.  I do often get breakfast and lunch right, as listed above.  But I am eating out of lonliness, stress, and any number of other emotions, I am sure, at night.  (Read as mild depression due to over extending myself and feeling a bit overwhelmed.)

I do not have a good answer to this problem.  Certainly no easy to follow road map.  The only thing I know to do is to suck it up and attempt to change my view point. 

I am going to attempt to impersonate the person I would like to be for awhile and hope the real me gets there while I am doing that.  Because I cannot keep doing what I was doing.

I sincerely hope you are not facing this.  I wish better for you.  But for those that are, you are not alone.  Keep fighting and I will do the same.


Under the bar.....not

A lot of those that will read this know I have been doing stronglifts 5x5.

Last night I could not get myself under the bar.  I don't know what is going on with that.  I suspect it ties into the overextension of my time and energy in every other part of my life. I have been working a lot of overtime and homework from my college classes (going full time) has been more intense than in the past.  

So instead of skipping my workout, I did a HIIT workout with boxing as the focus. Compared to the last few weeks, this is a major win!  I have been considering mixing up my workouts for the next few months just to get my body doing some other things.  So I started last night.

I am coming to understand that I need some variety in my workouts.  Not something different every day, but over months I need some variety.  I develop a mental block after too many months of doing the same type of workout.  (To pursue the strength I want to develop  I am considering getting some strong man training equipment eventually.  This should allow me to mix it up and still work on strength.)

 My point is that I realized last night that I was not going to lift.  It just wasn't going to happen.  But I did do pushups, squats, and a lot of heavy bag work.  I didn't give up or let go of a workout as I figured that any workout was better than none. 

 I am worth the effort.  The effort may not be perfect, but I am worth the effort.

If you are reading this, you are worth the effort.  This is a long term thing.  Make the best choices, get some workout in and don't kid yourself.  Be brutally honest.  But know that you are worthy of love as you are and you are worth the effort.   Because I believe you are.  I believe we are worth the effort.  If you cannot see it, trust me for will get there.

Being Manly

I do not know why so many things in my life seem to run in threads, but they do.

The latest thread is about being manly.  I have a specific idea of what a man is or should be.  Not a male, but a man.  It is my contention that in our society we have a bunch of boys running around that are in thier mid 30's.  There are men that are so worried about political correctness that they are afraid to be a man.  Sorry, none of that business here.

Now before all the extremists flame me, and you know who you are, you should probably try and understand what I mean by being a man.  But let me explain this to those that want to flame me.  Go ahead, flame away.  I am a confident man that does not need your approval and I do not live by your distorted idea of what I should be.

A real man, in my opinion, is not the macho masogynist that is portrayed in the movies.  Let's get that out of the way.  A real man has no fear of strong women.  No matter how strong, good, awesome, or incredible I am it does not make anyone else inferior.  No matter how strong a woman is, or another man for that matter, it does not make me any takes nothing away from me.  People that are inferior make themselves that way through one psychosis or another.

A real man can make mistakes, own up to them, and correct what went wrong or at least attempt to fix it.  There is no shame in making a mistake.  Only in trying to hide or ignoring the problem is there any shame.

I take responsibility for myself and my people.  I, in this case, am fatter than I should be because of my actions.  I own that.  I am trying to correct the behavior that got me here.  I am not rich, but I am responsible.  Part of my contribution to society as a whole is being responsible.  I choose other charity and work, but at the very least I should be responsible.

I will not bend to views that state that I should be less so that others can compete.  That standards should be lowered so that it is "fair".  Life is not fair, men and women are different, and none of that should be a problem. We should celibrate the strengths of each individual and the differences that make it interesting.

I think that there is nothing wrong with being a real man.  Being reliable, dependable, strong, as well as compassionate.  It is part of what it is all about in my opinion.

I do not believe in limiting someone because they are male, female, gay, because of religion, or because of any such differences.  However, I know that not everyone can do every job, not everyone can be what they would like to be, not everyone can do the things they would like to do.  That is part of life.

I will continue to attempt to be the best man I can be.  No matter how much I accomplish, that will never take anything away from you.  I would like to see you be the best you can be.

Rock on.

Coming to terms with Brute......

I found myself saying these words to a woman I know.  Well let me tell you more about the woman.  She has faced many challenges in her life but she works out all the time and is in great physical shape.  Has never been overweight, and has had every excuse to give up on life and just sit....but...she looks at exercise as an escape and a savior....that said I said, "Even at my goal weight, I will never be as physically beautiful as you.  I will not be as aesthetically pleasing to look at, and I am okay with that.  I have the build of a warrior, not of Brad Pitt."

It was interesting because I realized that........yes I finally believe that.  They were not just words coming out of my mouth that sounded cool and as if I were in control.  Not that I would lie.  I knew intellectually that I do not have that body type and it is okay.  But I didn't really believe I would be okay with it.  Wow.  I DO NOT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE BRAD PITT OR SOME CALVIN KLEIN MODEL!  (side note: The irony of Brad Pitt commenting on the Calvin Klein models in Fight Club during the bus ride was not lost on me...) I do not know what my ideal weight will be, but I know it will be over 250 lbs.  I am a very large guy.  This makes a big difference in the numbers I deal with.  It makes it difficult to find many people like me...but that is okay, my friends list has a diverse wonderful group of people.

First I have to say, that all the people both online (you wonderful, diverse group) and in my day to day life that love me as fat as I am and have been have helped with that.  It is huge. It makes a big difference in accepting the physical being that is me.   

Part of this realization has come with the mirror.  Yes I still avoid it some days as it will depress me.  BUT, since I have been lifting I have noticed I am developing a shape...other than round.  Thus looking at what is becoming I have come to the following conclusions.

 I will never have a narrow waist.  My core will be thick.  

My legs are short for my height.  31" inseam @ 6'4" tall.

My beauty has never been in what people see physically, but what they see in the person I am.

I can lift Brad Pitt and whatever he is carrying....he can't do the same to me.....

I need to focus on what I used to focus on.  Doing the most I can with ME.  I used to never compare myself to others...I WAS AFRAID IT WOULD LIMIT MY GOALS.   And so I have let it creep in and it has limited my goals....but no longer.  I will compare where I am only to where I have been and where I want to be.

Go make a great day!

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