So the last two months of my life have been pure hell. I worked really hard to continue my diet but my exercising fell to the wayside. After the first month passed, the second month added its own additional stresses and I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed one less thing to stress over and since I couldn't control what was happening around me, I controlled the one thing that was within my power: my diet.
They say that people with anorexia/bulimia use it as a method of control and I knew this intellectually from my years of study to be a counselor, but I never really understood emotionally. I considered my poor eating habits were "emotional" but I never took the time to see how I used that as a control mechanism vs soley a comfort mechanism. It isn't comforting to fall off the wagon after 40 pounds of blood, sweat, and tears. It isn't comforting to eat so much that your stomach hurts or you get sick from all the fat and grease. It isn't comforting to realize that you have failed in so many things. But it is something I used to control my surroundings. At least, it gave me a sense of some control. I had something that was mine to manipulate and change how I saw fit to do so. And by doing that, I allowed food to control me.
A week and a half ago I decided that I had given myself enough slack and since I couldn't control my situation I couldn't use it as an excuse to eat poorly. I jumped back on the bandwagon. The first day was torture. I had allowed myself to seek peace through poor food choices and the habit was strong. Unconciously, I nearly made the same poor eating habits. The one good thing is I am so darn stubborn I was able to catch myself.
The situation hasn't changed. I still don't have peace. I wrestle with my imperfections and my inabilities to succeed. But I have control over my diet and I am seeking peace through other means.
This isn't about perfection anymore. This isn't about how fast I can lose weight or if everything that I eat is diet approved. This is about seeking peace.
My peace is within me.