2012asv's Blog

I'm a F*ing Warrior!

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 17:13:59 GMT

8 months ago I couldn't even run for 30 seconds without huffing and puffing. Man, I was SO out of shape... to be fair though i've never really been "in" shape. So I was really starting from scratch.

Last month a co worker showed me this link... it was for the Warrior Dash. We were talking about how crazy insane that was... and how she would never even consider something like this. At first I was on board with her. But the more I looked at it the more I thought why CAN'T I do this? Why the hell not?

Immediately aftering signing up I was regretting it and questioning my sanity. But I made a committment and I was going to stick to it. I worked out as hard as I could as long as I could until it was time to go.

Next thing I know it's October 27th. Day of the dash! God I was so excited and nervous! I was also extremely congested as I came down with a damn cold 2 days prior. I couldn't breath but I wasn't going to let that or anything else stop me. I was walking around with the biggest, cheesiest smile that I could NOT wipe off my face before I even started!!!

>>>At the starting line... i'm so anxious I can't stand still. We ran for about a mile before the frst obstacle... 2 mud pits. Being that I couldn't breath thru my nose I had to keep my mouth open during the whole ordeal. Mud is not tasty, btw. I'm also short so while everyone else is knee deep in the mud I was just about chest deep!

I made it, that was cool... then comes the scariest thing of all. Going down a steep hill and climbing up 3 walls- each progressively higher and harder than the last. Luckily I was on an empty stomach or I guarantee I would have puked! (From fear) I am so scared of hills and heights it's unbelievable. I would rather have run 100 miles than climb up that those walls. Then there were the cargo nets. The instability of these obstacles were frightening to say the least, esp with a bunch of big dudes wiggling around on it!... what do you know I fucking rocked it- Spider woman style! After that were the burning logs that I flew over that lead me to the ending obstacles.... which at that point were a piece of cake. Crawling under barbed wire in a massive mudpit and over more cargo nets.

I ran passed that finish line now having overcome almost all of my fears! I felt on top of the WORLD! I finished in about 45 mins. This was the top 25% of the 1400 women who did the dash JUST in my age group. Not bad.

Its not over yet... my next biggest obstacle was waiting for me after the finish line. Washing off the mud.... in freezing cold water. That was my only option. I sucked it up and did it. The whole experience was so emotionally overwhelming I couldn't speak. I was a warrior now.. no ifs, ands or butts about it. I completed the Warrior Dash with flying colors... 12 obstacles in 3 miles... didn't skip a single one and didn't stop!<<<

As I was walking away by myself- someone shouted out my name. Looked back and it was the peeps i was chatting with in line for pictures at the finish line. I suppose they took pity on the loner, lol! But, that sparked into 3 new friendships. 3 awesome people I would never have met otherwise... turned out they're tough mudders...and now I'm getting guidance on training from experienced mudders, who called me a diamond in the rough and address me as "Dash." I love it :)

Overall, this was literally one of the best days of my entire life. I will no longer doubt my stregnth... physically or mentally. I "am" a warrior. And I'm not going to stop here.... Now, I want to become a Spartan Warrior!

Here we go!!!!

Because I know better

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 16:40:56 GMT

It's only because I know better that I didn't flip out when i saw a three pound increase on the scale OVER NIGHT.

Sunday was my anniversary, and we ate a lot. Then we come home to find a lovely set up of flowers, cake, chicken egg rolls with dipping sauce, cookies and a fruit platter from my mom on the kitchen table. So of course, we ate again.

I was expecting to be up on Monday, but not 3 lbs. I ate a lot, but I did not consume anywhere near 10,000 calories. I hardly hit 2000. I knew it was the sodium overload from the 3 bowls of ministrone soup I had at Olive Garden. I was at ease- I knew this would drop off soon... and that it was not 3lbs of FAT!

I drank a million gallons of water and tea all day yesterday and this morning those 3 lbs were already completely gone! It is only because of all the information Ive learned over the past 7 months and all the experimenting with calories, food and macros that I've gotten to know my body so well.

Before, I remember freaking out when I saw increases on the scale like that. I remember feeling depressed that I was "set back" every time my scale went up. I remember feeling like giving up.... but because I know better I didn't. (And I'm SO glad)

Keep Calm and Carry On...

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 18:24:13 GMT

Someone was walking around the office looking for chocolate yesterday. Apparently she was craving it?? lol

She makes her way to my office... I tell her, no I do not have ANY sort of chocolate or sweets today. I proceeded to explain to her that after a month of fasting, once that was over I became ravenous with sweets- especially chocolate. It was really bad. Although I didn't gain any weight from it, it was very unhealthy and it was actually quite discouraging and depressing to me how I couldn't control myself! So, after almost 2 weeks of sweets OVERLOAD I am enforcing strict disciplinary action on myself.One of those things is not to keep any sweet snacks in my home or office.

After I told her this, she says to me... go down to such and such supermarket down the street, they have these sugarfree cookies and this and that... going on and on about the vast selection of unhealthy foods disguised as "healthy" to the commoner.

I was baffled for a minute. After explaining my trouble with self control her solution was to just eat sugar free cookies instead. I told her, No... my problem is my willpower and I need to get a handle on that... I can't do that if I keep eating cookies, sugar free or not. I suppose I should have just kept quiet, but I didn't even think about it. I was so taken by her response I just blurted it out.

It is no surprise that she has been unsuccesfully fad dieting since the day I met her ~2 years ago. I hope she took somthing away from that conversation, other than where NOT to go to find junk food.

Am I losing it?

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 17:38:09 GMT

My husband wanted to take me to Vegas next month for our anniversary. He couldn't wait to tell me the news!!! Drum roll..........................................................................................

I was not the least bit excited about it! I could tell it sort of bummed him out and I felt awful about it, but I can't control my feelings. I was genuinely un-interested in spending a weekend in Vegas.

It might be because we don't get opportunities to "go away" very often and if I get only one change until next year.... I really don't want to spend it in Vegas. I MUST be nuts right? Who the heck wouldn't want to go to Vegas? Had this been 6 months ago I would have been jumping up and down and would have ran to my computer to see which DJ's were going to be out there that weekend and which club was going to be happening!! I would have ran to my closet to begin the "trial" outfits!!!

This time, however, the thought of spending the weekend in tight dresses and high heels walking around casino's and drinking all night, pretending to be interested in other ppl's bullshit, spending nights in super loud clubs with a bunch of crazy drunks around me, then being hung over and unable to hear due to my eardrums being blown out.... did not sound the least bit appealing.

I MUST BE CRAZY, RIGHT?!

I don't know when this happened but that doesn't sound fun to me anymore. Instead all I could think about was my desire to go hiking followed by spa treatment and wine tasting.... Napa!!! I don't think this has anything to do with "age". I honestly think that in the midst of my becoming healthy over the months, my preferences of activities and how I spend my time has adapted as well.

To be honest, I am still surprised with how UN-interested I am in Vegas. It is VERY un like me.... the me I was before I suppose. Am I losing it or what??

I lost a chair...

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 19:22:40 GMT

I'm going to share this story because a dear pal of mine experienced this today and is feeling shitty about it....

I'd like to preface the story by saying I am at my ultimate lowest weight since... well, ever. And had I not been I would have been sitting on the floor in the midst of a self loating pity party when this happened:

I was re-organizing the shelves/cabinets in my kitchen last week- apparently I couldn't think of anything better to do on a Saturday morning. To reach the top shelf I had to stand on the counter. Just standing on a chair wasn't enough (curse this height!) So I grabbed a chair in my kitchen. This is actually a fancy patio chair....(but it was very pretty and looked good inside my tiny kitchen) See where this is going???

Here is the scene: I am standing on the chair, my left foot is on the counter and just as I lift up with my right to get both feet on the counter... CRASH, BAM!! My right leg had gone throught the center of the chair which actually broke into several pieces. THE CHAIR BROKE INTO SEVERAL PIECES! I was >< this close to banging my head on the other counter so I was lucky in that respect. The fall was about oh, 3 feet. I fell so hard about 5 of my nails broke and I scraped my elbow. That was the worste of the injuries thank God.

This was an eye opening experience because had this happened to me before I lost weight I would have sat around feeling like shit and beating myself up for being so fat that I broke a chair. I would have dwelled on this for DAYS. While I'm still sad that my table +chair set is now incomplete, I'm thankful I didn't break my back- Amen.

My Someday Box is Gone!

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 18:48:15 GMT

Over the years I was boxing away clothes that just did not fit me anymore. I accumilated a huge box clothes, ranging from shirts, pants, dresses, and skirts.

My husband kept telling me to get rid of them. He couldn't understand WHY on Earth I would keep clothing that I didn't or couldn't wear. I called it my "someday" box. It has sat in the garage for years. I've visited that box a couple times before only to be set in further disappointment and disguist to find that they still... did not fit.

Well, this last Saturday I decided it was now or never. I am at my lowest weight, and have kept it off- if these darn clothes don't fit me now... i'm getting rid of them!

Opened the box.... grabbed the first thing and put it on. IT FIT!?!! That had to be a fluke... tried on another, that fit also! The only thing I could say was, Oh my God! I got about half way through the box before I literally started shaking from shock and disbelief. Not only was everything fitting, some things were now TOO BIG! I had to take a DEEP breath to continue on the rest of the box...

I was in complete disbeleif. Every single piece of clothing I had saved, fit me once again- and looked better than I ever remember. I used to dress SO nicely... then as my weight went up, my self-esteem went down. I felt like I was too fat and didnt deserve nice clothes. This was the absolute best experience... better than shopping for new clothes.I realized why I never let go of that box... it was because getting rid of it was like giving up completely. SO glad I didn't!

Now, about 5-7 years later... I say this with absolute joy and pride...

I NO LONGER HAVE A "SOMEDAY" BOX! :D

Success can sneak up on you...

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 18:14:21 GMT

When I signed up for MFP, my intention was NOT to count calories- I couldn't even fathom that concept. It was mainly just to get an idea of how many calories were in the foods I was eating. Needless to say I found the site so easy to use and guided I just had to give this a try... why NOT?

"Ok, current weight- dont ask. Goal Weight. Oh my God... I don't even know. Never really thought about it other than, I'm fat... need to get un- fat." I put in a number that I thought was wayyy out there, that MAYBE someday if I'm lucky I'll reach it.

One little pound- hell one little OUNCE at a time I have reached that number! This number- that I thought was crazy!!! I have since re-adjusted my goal because I have a better idea now of where I need to be. I still have about 10 more lbs to go, but I have to say in light of my success I don't feel discouraged anymore. Sure, it may take another 6 months... but I CAN do it!

I never thought I could do this. I really didn't. My ticker says I've lost 16 lbs. It's hard to beleive, I didn't realize I was actually accomplishing something. So far, it has been one crazy ride... I've experimented with SO many things...

-30 Day Shred (great quick workout)

-P90x (love it! go tony horton!)

-Insanity (no comment- because I cant BREATHE!)

-Kickboxing - (loved it! Obtained my first injuries here...)

-RUNNING- (fell in love with)

-Yoga (whaat?)

-Zumba (no thank you)

-monkey bars (long time no see...)

-signed up for 2 races! (who woulda though!?)

........The exciting part is all the things I plan/hope to do!

I'm weak again!

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 16:38:47 GMT

I have not done any stregnth training in about 3 weeks. Shameful. I got so caught up in running that I completely put that off. Well, I paid the price.

Last night doing P90x- Chest and Arms.... my arms literally collapsed during a push up. And not just a quick drop either... my arms were struggling to stay up, shaking, shaking harder then BOOM- chest on the ground! This has NEVER happened to me before. I was so pissed, (at myself.) I've done this video several times and haven't struggled this much since Day 1.

I lost muscle.I know losing muscle mass is inevitable, but I lost more than I should have due to my own neglegence. HOWEVER... as I began thinking about this I was sort of happy- I realized that I am now able to recognize non-visual changes in my body. This is new for me. Would I have ever been able to recognize muscle loss vs fat loss before? Hell no! Did I even appreciate the difference before, or known what to do about it? No way!

Anyway, inspite of a bad thing, I feel happy becuase in the bigger picture I'm a step ahead! It's really great to "get to know" your body like this! Less guesswork, more purpose.

....Gotta love it.

Why "I" am going to fast this year during Ramadan

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 19:31:29 GMT

I have been juggling with the idea of fasting this year.... I wanted to but then I didn't because of my past experiences with the Muslim community as a whole. Very uncomfortable and disheartening to say the least.

I was born and raised in a Muslim family. MY family liked to mix religion with culture along with their own biased opinions about the world and perhaps for that reason I was always completely confused about it all. For whatever reason, I did not end up being a religious person, by traditional definition.

I am not a traditional Muslim. I am actually more of an outsider to that whole community. Some would argue I'm not even a Muslim because I don't fit in the typical sterotypes of what a "normal" Muslim does..... Whatever. I have my beleifs, opinions, and I pray every single day... my way. I am not a "bad" person.

This whole "journey" of changing my lifestyle began with the intent of losing weight for my daughter's 4th birthday. Very quickly it became WAY bigger than that. I have began challenging myself physically, mentally and emotionally. I have changed so much inside and out. Amidst all that I have also been changing spiritualy. I desire peace within myself and within my life.

I have fasted many times in the past. But it was more to "belong" or fit in with everyone else on some remote level. (Which by the way didn't work) This year I am going to fast in the name of God in hopes to gain some sort internal peace and/or revelation. (Not to lose weight) Screw all those who pass judgment toward me for my choices- I no longer care about them. I am going to try my best because this is for ME, and everything I can gain to pass on to my daughter for a better life.

What does this mean? From sunrise to sunset each day:

No food or water
No swearing or indecent thoughts/ideas
No sex
No false talk or deeds (lieing, cheating, stealing, etc.)
The fasting person must be pleasant with good spirits

What is the purpose of fasting in Islam?

It teaches man the principle of sincere Love: because when he observes Fasting he does it out of deep love for God. And the man who loves God truly is a man who really knows what love is.
It equips man with a creative sense of hope and an optimistic outlook on life; because when he fasts he is hoping to please God and is seeking His Grace.
It imbues in man the genuine virtue of effective devotion, honest dedication and closeness to God; because when he fasts he does so for God and for His sake alone.
It cultivates in man a vigilant and sound conscience; because the fasting person keeps his fast in secret as well as in public. In fasting, especially, there is no mundane authority to check man's behavior or compel him to observe fasting. He keeps it to please God and satisfy his own conscience by being faithful in secret and in public. There is no better way to cultivate a sound conscience in man.
It indoctrinates man in patience and selflessness, as through fasting, he feels the pains of deprivation but he endures them patiently.
It is an effective lesson in applied moderation and willpower.
Fasting also provides man with a transparent soul, a clear mind and a light body.
It shows man a new way of wise savings and sound budgeting.
It enables man to master the art of Mature Adaptability. We can easily understand the point once we realize that fasting makes man change the entire course of his daily life.
It grounds man in discipline and healthy survival.
It originates in man the real spirit of social belonging, unity and brotherhood, of equality before God as well as before the law.
It is a Godly prescription for self-reassurance and self-control

It's me, your wife!

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 19:00:13 GMT

Last Christmas we took company pics. They're posted on the wall in the lobby... every time I pass by my pic- I get a little shiver down my spine. I loathe that picture, and the only thing I could have done to make it better that day was to not show up!

Last week I stopped and looked at it for a minute... thinking wtf Amber- how did you do that to yourself! Why! I ripped it down, scanned it and posted it up for a before/after comparison. I got an overwhelming amount of response and praise from my awesome MFP pals. I finally decided to share it with my husband. Oh. Boy. I have NEVER seen that look on his face ever before. It was a mixture of shock + disguist.... kind of like when you think you're passing by a sweater on the road but as you get closer you realize it's road kill swarming with flies. He was in COMPLETE denial of that photo...

"Uhg! What the... that's not you! I don't remember you looking like... you did NOT look like... is this YOU? No way, you didn't get that b-... did you really get THAT bi-(g)? Oh my gaw... No, it can't be... I just don't see you that way!"

So, that response was less than pleasant to say the least. I am still not quite sure how I feel about it?? I know he's not great with words so I won't hold it against him. It's just interesting to know that my husband sees me the way he WANTS to remember me. That's ok I suppose, considering that I am doing this for myself anyway.

Well... Onward and upward!!