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Let's Push Reset and Try This Again...

I wish could say that this weekend at my friend's wedding was a smashing success... but it wasn't. I had lots of fun! But I ate way too much crap...

First off, I decided to get the Mirena out on Friday and go back on the pill. It seems like that threw my body for a loop changing up the status quo and my mood was kind of all over the place. It seems to be better today, but I definitely just ate whatever the heck I wanted. It's already hard enough to eat better while traveling, so this didn't help. I don't want to make excuses for myself, I know it was bad and now I feel kind of gross for it. 

Anyway, hopefully as my body adjusts to the new normal I'll be OK. I wasn't really expecting to have that kind of reaction to having the Mirena out! But now that I'm back to my normal routine, I can focus on better decisions.

First off, I think I am going to try to work in running again into my routine. My biggest problem is the exercise asthma. It's INCREDIBLY hard for me to run for longer periods of time without stopping to walk. My heart rate easily hits 180 and then my lungs kind of crap out. So I'm planning just to go with intervals for now. Start small and work my way up. Even when I ran my 5Ks two years ago, I never ran the whole thing straight, I would take walking breaks. I'm not sure what the generally accepted "strategy" is, so if any runners who have any insight on this would like to chime in, I'd appreciate it! If I can even just run intervals for 10 minutes every time I go to the gym, it should help with my endurance levels.

I at least got my boyfriend to agree that we need to curb the bad eating together. This weekend we both enabled each other, but that has to stop. I told him how miserable I've been with this extra weight and that I need his help to fix it too.  He even admits he'd like to lose a few pounds too. It's kind of hard for him since he injured his finger, but we went for a walk last night for 45 minutes to get moving. It helped.

So, I really wanted to write a blog about how I conquered the wedding weekend and ate better and everything... but I can't. So I'm hitting the reset button and trying this again! I just registered for my Cornell 5 year reunion June 5-8th and I want to look as good as I possibly can for it! I have 2 1/2 months, so I can make some progress. Plus that's the start of summer, so it's even extra motivation. It frustrates me when I veer off track for no reason, I just really need to summon that willpower I had before to stick to my plan!

Fat Pants

I remember when I retired my "fat pants". I was dropping a pants size just about every other month it seemed like! I pretty much cleaned out my entire pants drawer and threw them in a giveaway bag, since of course I'd never need them again. That was just uder 4 years ago now. And every year since it seems like I've gone up a pants size! I maintained the 150s for the first year. Then it crept into hte 160s, but I was weight-lifting so my clothes still fit. Then it crept into the 170s and I upgraded to size 10 pants. Now, I'm sitting miserably in the 180s, hating myself for it, and I just had to buy size 14P! WTF! Those were the sizes that I threw in the giveaway bag! Why am I paying good money to buy them again!

I've just lost my mojo lately. I was SO happy before when I was skinnier, more confidence, didn't feel self-conscious about how I looked. And now, I'm completely back to how I was before, freaking out in the mirror and inwardly cursing myself for doing this. Why the hell was it so easy the first time around! I just set my mind to it and did it! Now, I can't get more than a few days without screwing up. I've tried a bunch of different things too, but my schedule got busy and I have class once a week. And then the food temptations come in and I end up eating out. I honestly want to go back to being a diet hermit. Life was easy! Workout 6 days a week, almost never eating out, and I was happy. I love my boyfriend, but I've got to figure out what needs to change since good food and execise goes to crap on the weekends with him. 

I have to go home to Jersey for a wedding and I honestly didn't even want to. I'd hate for people to see me like 25 pounds heavier than I want to be. I'm still 30 pounds less than my heightest weight, but it's not enough. I gave up running, basically I let the exercise asthma win on that one. Maybe I need to give it another go. It made me really push and challenge myself, and I was at my lighest when I ran. I also need to prioritize weight training again. I love my workout classes, but I think I need to spend some more time working out on my own. I can still manage at least 1 or 2 classes a week. 

Sometimes I really just wonder if I am one of those people who are completely screwed by genetics. No matter what I did before, I could never get under 147 lbs, and 141 and under is a healthy weight for my height (5'2.5") If I slack off even a little bit, the weight comes back SO easily. It's fighting a constant battle that I don't really have the energy to fight every single day. I know my metabolism is incredibly slow, it doesn't help. I wonder if my Mirena is messing with my weight, it definitely made my acne come back. But I like it over the pill, so I'm not sure what to do.

I hate writing about my "woe is me" attitude, since my blogs used to be so inspirational! I don't know what happened. I don't want to drag everyone else down, but I guess everyone needs a pep talk on occasion. I think I need to take a good hard look at what I've been eating, doing, and not doing. I know my food choices have been bad lately, I've been eating out too much. That can be fixed. I need to make working out a priority, and get back into my Saturday morning workouts and going out on walks with Randy on Sundays, now that it's warming up. And I need to stop being a pity party of one! I can beat myself up all I want but its not helping. It just makes me depressed about it. So, please do me a favor and help give me a good kick in the butt when I'm being bad or need some encouragement. I'm going to log ALL my food for a while, even on the weekends. I need to see what I've been doing. This weekend is gonna be hard because I have to travel to Jersey for a wedding, so Sunday will probably be a challenge. That can be my first test of not going nuts in a tricky situation. Travel food + open bar + sitting in a car. But, at least on my way home, I'll be sitting in my new (sort of) 2013 Nissan Sentra! Whoot!

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